HELP - Office Affair

[Lostmymind01]

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

Well, there is a 'rule book' to the extent that if you don't want to be a betraying cheat, you don't betray and cheat.

Plus of course 'don't shit on your own doorstep' (or office in this case)

You cannot get out of the consequences of those. And that's not because it's what MN says. It's because that's how think invariably end up.

You can't recast what you've dine onto something benign or inadvertent. You chose cheat by shag around in the workplace. You now have to live with the consequences of that.

Seeking a new job is a good option.

Counselling to decide what you want to do with regard to your partner might be helpful. Right now, all your actions (this hankering for someone else, your head being full of someone else and posting about your cheating relationship not your actual partner) all suggest that you want out. But you need to think carefully about that in RL (hence suggestion of a counsellor) and then really mean what you do.

Ok so let's get this right. The best advice is to tell my partner and let her decide if we can work through this or not?
Yes
Should OW tell her partner too?
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

For the record, WE decided to end things, but I didn't legislate for feeling like I do.
So if you'd known how hand wringingly terrible you would feel, you maybe would've carried on?

Whilst OW does seem stronger, she does have lapses of suggestive calls and texts when drunk which doesn't help.
Block her number. Or if it's a work number, turn it off outside working hours.

There are many on here having a real go even though I already know I'm in the wrong and deserve everything I get. But does having a go really help?
You don't seem to know you are in the wrong. You are entirely focused on your feelings.

This is the real world, these things happen. There is no rule book to follow in these situations and no standard answers, hence why mistakenly I came on here to seek advice
These things don't "just happen". That's bollocks. You didn't think you were mistaken when it was mainly people being all look after the poor dear - ish. But even Autumn has lost faith. What does that tell you about your responses?

You have to take some positive clear action to show that this is permanently behind you. At the moment, you've conveniently left the door wide open for another 'drunken mistake'. If you want to ensure that you don't 'accidentally' find yourself back in bed with this temptress, do something to put permanent distance between you. Leave your job, delete her number - she is no longer your friend and never can be again. This pathetic hankering over how things used to be, has to stop - you can't have that because you fucked it up. Life doesn't have an undo button.

Whether she tells her partner is irrelevant to you.

You have betrayed your partner - she would be devastated to know that but she deserves to know that you cannot be trusted so she can decide if she wants to live with that. You will obviously never give her that but can you imagine how much worse that would be if she finds out - and then discovers that you are still mates with this woman? And these things do have a nasty habit of coming back to bite you on the arse.

There is a real answer. Don't shag another woman.

MyWineTime -spot on .Youre mad if you think your partner won't find out, you have to do the right thing. I think you are at the stage before that though where your confused how you feel. I also think a narcissist wouldn't be asking for advice. Narcissists do feel they can have anything they want without worrying about people's feelings so maybe abit but I was involved with someone that had true narcisstic personality disorder. He targeted me with love bombing and flattery and sex was amazing - not like normal couples sex and then dropped me and moved on and I had the same empty obsessive feeling, so what I'm saying is that when you get into this sort of relationship you and your partner will never be the same. You will be hankering after this other woman who has calmly walked away. Definitely leave your partner as something was obviously missing. She will never trust you again if you own up. I've been there and it just becomes intolerable.

I think you are confusing 'having a go' with offering you advice you don't want to read. Personally I am not particularly concerned about what you decide to do but I am offering you what I think might be good advice from your wife's POV - and let's face it if you want to stay married that is the most important thing isn't it?

Stop thinking about 'we' regarding you and OW - there only 'we' which must remain is you and your wife. And while there is such a big lie between there isn't even that 'we'. Who cares about OW's marriage - you certainly shouldn't.

It was not a mistake to post here - you've had advice. What else were you looking for? We understand you are in pain, and I am sorry about that, there are many forum that will listen to your story, sympathise and allow you to wallow, but this isn't one of them. Take the advice, or leave it but it was not a mistake to ask for it.

Yes, telling your partner is the best advice you are going to get. It's not her fault you cheated. How about doing the decent thing for once?

You know what, I do agree with you all, I really do. I have listened to all of the advice and different views, and it's changed how I'm looking at the situation.

It isn't my business if OW tells her husband, but it is my business if he's wanting to make an issue with me, so I think I would need to know if that happens

This is the real world, these things happen. There is no rule book to follow in these situations and no standard answers, hence why mistakenly I came on here to seek advice

OP, if you are bold enough to have an affair with a work colleague who is married with small kids and you yourself in a relationship then you need to take what advice is on offer; you a least seem to be developing a conscience now which is progress!

These things don't just happen, you make them happen.

OP - you have no right to know if the OWs husband might make an issue with you. If she "warns" you, that is still you and her colluding.

Unless you have reason to fear he will physically assault you or commit some other crime that harms you, how OW's H might react is not your business.

It isn't my business if OW tells her husband, but it is my business if he's wanting to make an issue with me, so I think I would need to know if that happens
You wouldn't need to know anything in advance. She was unfaithful to her husband, if she chooses to tell him or he finds out and he decides to contact you (or your partner) about it - tough! That's a direct consequence of both of your actions. You have no rights over what other people do with information about them.

You say you have taken everything on board, but you continue to look at this from every angle about how it affects you.
You've lost your lover,
you've lost your friend,
you don't want your partner to find out because of what would happen to you,
you don't want to change your job because you like it,
you don't want the OW to tell anyone because of the backlash towards you,
you want to know how to stop feeling guilty because it's difficult for you to live with.
You, You, You, You, You!

I wonder how your partner feels about the relationship she is currently in, that is based on a lie, on misplaced trust, on a belief that the relationship is good. She's been exposed to a high risk of an STI. She is being taken for a mug because her partner is so selfish that he cannot see beyond his own dick.

If you can't be honest with her, be honest with yourself - why were you so easily tempted? What's missing from your relationship? What need did you need to fulfil? How are you going to prevent it from happening again - whether with her or with someone else? If you can live with this lie forever, what does that say about you and the future of your relationship?

You should have nothing further to do with OW and therefore if she chooses to tell her DH, that's also nothing to do with you. You may have no warning. If he were to confront you, then you'd have to deal with it as an adult.

The way people deal with feelings is either by re-framing them:

So I'd suggest:

You realise your OW is not as nice person a person as you think she is.
You imagine her shagging her DH whilst also giving you sloppy seconds
You imagine her on the toilet, or giving birth (real life things that real-life partners of women with children see)

and/or you do any of the practical things that have been suggested

I do not know how old you are, but you sound young. Too young to mess with someone who has a family.

Just to say, Op is not married - long -term partner

If you really want to get over the infatuation, you can. My friend advised me to put aside ten minutes each day to think about the subject and then absolutely refuse to dwell on it any further. Distract yourself with little things (find something green in the room, recite a poem) or big things (something to make a more constructive and wholesome life like yoga or art classes).

Work on YOURSELF. This was not a good situation for you, your work colleague, her partner, or your partner. It needs to be broken and put behind you - but you can't do that if you're allowing yourself to hold onto it and analyse and pick at it. Put your house in order and make life better.

Soren

That's good advice

Thank you, NotYoda

It's really hard to change habits and adding the hormone buzz of infatuation into the mix makes it even harder, but it's possible, OP. You just have to decide what life you want and be determined to make it happen.

... and bit more humane than mine. OP has irritated me with his spectacular lack of insight

Lack of insight and lack of any compassion for his partner.

I liked your advice, NotYoda!! It was very practical and effective! We are expert advice givers *high-fives

That's good advice and to the point about your question' how do I get over this infatuation' the other part telling your partner etc is obvious and you don't need to be told BUT you can't be friends with the work colleague. I'm in a relationship where I suspected he was getting close to a work colleague.My intuition kicked in and I snooped, texts back and forth, nothing sexual but really flirty and too friendly, oversharing , flattery etc I felt really uncomfortable and I wouldn't of cared if he had a work friend male or female but it was all done behind my back. Until I looked at his phone I was completely in the dark and wasn't even aware he knew this person and therefore if you have any respect left for your partner you must cut this woman out of your life and be stronger. The fact she's got kids and a husband and has bailed before things got too real shows that she's very selfish. I can't understand why you would want a friendship with her unless you were hoping something will happen again.

Its obviously not so obvious to OP and he did need to be told that if he had a shred of decency he would tell his partner. But do carry on pandering to the feelings of a selfish narcissistic cheat.

Spot on Autumn