HELP - Office Affair

[Lostmymind01]

I am seeking advice how to get over my infatuation of a close work colleague.
I am with a long term partner and before Christmas I had a brief sexual affair with a married mum of 2 with whom I work closely with. We are both happy in our relationships but it seemed a little bored of the sex, and we had a chemistry and it was unbelievably exciting. It only lasted a few months and both agreed that it needed to end.
Since we returned to work, she has gone very quiet with me, and explained how it made her realise what she had to lose and made things better for her marriage.
I know its wrong on all levels, and don't need the patronising comments. But I have returned to work and feel like I am going cold turkey from a drug. We are still friendly etc. but things just aren't the same on the friendship level. I need practical advice on how to get over it, as I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.
Please Help

You have put your partner second while you try to work this out and I don't think that's fair. She has no idea what you have done.
I think she deserves to know so she can make the decision to stay or not - you really shouldn't get your time to get over the affair and then return to her as a consolation prize. She deserves to be someone's first priority.

I think you're pining for whats missing from your relationship. Probably just the excitement.i Do feel sorry for your partner. Personally I would want to know that my other half has had intimacy both emotional and sexual with another woman and they are still pining. Yes you probably did the right thing to break it off but it seems it was more her decision. Now you need to fill this black hole as it's abit like heartbreak so either try to reconnect with your partner and no one can be happily married and embark on an affair as I think you're kidding yourself. If it's a drunken fling and deep regret but this sounds like an emotional afffair which is hard to kick off now it's ended.

'Book a holiday or think about something you could do to get the spark back in your relationship (should u wish to continue or consider splitting)'

Why should someone who has had a sexual affair outside of their relationship ultimately be able to decide if the original relationship continues or not...? The partner is the one who has been wronged in all of this, she should be allowed to decide if she can get over it with a holiday or not

It's affecting your relationship, really!

Perhaps your poor DP should be given the chance to decide if she wants a cheat for a partner.

Don't you respect or care for them enough to let them make that choice?

AutumnRose - let me ask you a question; how would you feel if your significant other sat you down and explained that they had been sustaining an affair with a married woman, that they really miss her and were almost pining for her still but because that now wasn't a viable connection they've realised the grass isn't greener and want to stay with you?
Since when is it even ok to sleep about to establish that the grass isn't greener. Talk about having your cake and eating it!!

I agree LottieL. I am finding the largely uncritical acceptance of OPs cheating quite strange given how OW and cheating wives generally get treated on mumsnet.

Today 07:00 Lostmymind01

So basically I need to get a grip and stop being naive thinking we can carry being good friends before anything happened?
I find it difficult as there was a gap from the first time and it happening again and we remained close

Yep. There's really no other option.

I cheated. 6 months mostly EA, then meeting up. It was the WORST thing I have ever done in my entire life. I went through the initial flounce when we ended it, then missing him, then trying the whole 'let's just be friends'. It was bollocks, just delaying the inevitable. We weren't and never will be friends, just two idiots sharing sordid messages. With a bit of luck we should never darken each other's paths again, but even if it was to happen I would ignore him. He is nothing to me, a big bloody mistake that wasn't worth the resulting headfuck, that's all. Now I honestly don't give a toss whether he thinks about me, misses me, or whether he thinks im a complete bitch.

And believe me I know how hard the 'friendship' is to walk away from. We messaged constantly, I woke up to 'good morning gorgeous' messages, had messages as he went to bed. Looking back it was just utterly ridiculous. We're talking hundreds a day, and we both worked! I won't lie, I missed the attention but came to realise that attention was inappropriate and in the end what was a really missing out on? A married bloke with a kid sneaking around all in the name of wank fodder. Bleurgh.

See the whole episode for what it was. A potentially devastating affair which could hurt several people. Nothing romantic or exciting about that once you actually open your eyes.

Oh come off it AutumnCherry.

I feel the need to clarify that this wasn't "testing if the grass was greener" it was purely a sex thing. There's a sexual chemistry, we knew it, and knew it would be explosive, and we stupidly acted on it. We discussed that we were not looking to leave our partners and so deluded ourselves that somehow that made it ok (we know it's not), but because of that we saw it as being safe to do it in a way!!
I have no intention of telling my partner because I don't want to lose her. Yes I'm a coward, an idiot and whatever else you want to call me. If I knew I was going to feel like I do, believe me I wouldn't of started anything. I'm just after advice how to get over it, and have to say that in the main this thread has helped me. So thank you

Sometimes decent people make shite decisions (ready for the pitchforks here).
You screwed up, badly.
You werent looking for a way out and it sounds like the friendship was really more like an emotional affair (which is why yourr missing it more than sex. Its about intimacy, which can exist even if neither party expresses it).
Your punnishment is going through all of this alone.
Focus on your own relationship and try to reignite whatever was missing. It will be tough and youll feel rubbish but thats the price you pay.

I think that you need to focus on your own relationship here. Do you think that you respect your partner? Do you see her as your equal? It doesn´t sound like it. You make a decision about having sex with another woman without considering how she would feel about it, you decide that it is going to be okay because it is only sexual, you decide you don´t want to end the relationship with her, you decide that you are now only going to be good friends with this woman after screwing around. Where is your partner´s thoughts and feelings in all this? Why do you get to decide everything that is going to happen? Also with this woman you have had the affair with, why aren´t you listening to her desire not to have contact with you? Again, you want to decide how she is going to behave and feel about this situation? I think you need to have a long, hard look at some of your own attitudes here and ask why do you think these things and if they are reasonable (btw, they aren´t).

Bloody hell! Mumsnet is getting soft in its old age! I bet by 8pm tonight this thread is complete carnage!!

**User - I agree. Im already ready for the pitchforks.
Sadly there are quite a few people on Mumsnet who are more bothered about being all perfect-high-and-mighty with their judgey comments than actually giving advice to people in crap situations.

Perhaps you'd be happier on a different forum if you don't like how this one works, Autumn. The OP is a self indulgent cheat and any woman posting the same would get very short shrift. Mumsnet does not like OW and cheating wives.

It's all well and good propping people up with false 'there there love' bullshit but when an OP posts something like:
'I am really struggling, and its affecting my relationship, sleep, etc.'
After -they- had a sexual affair with someone else, all of my sympathy goes out of the window because it certainly doesn't seem like he's wracked with guilt or remorse because he's betrayed his partner, rather he's worried about the physical impact it's having on him not to have this other woman on tap now.

Maisy - 'actually giving advice to people in crap situations' - crap situations they have manufactured themselves by cheating on their partner, and feeling sorry for themselves now the affair is over because they're not getting their end away. I'm not judging this individual, I don't care why he did it but I'm not picking up on anything from him that suggests he feels genuine remorse for what he's done. He seems self absorbed.

Last week I asked for advice as was having relationship issues and it helped immensely to put things into perspective.I have been in this posters position but didn't cross over into anything sexual until we were single. It never worked as often it's just a fantasy and not sustainable. Most definitely you're right asking for clarity and I think it was emotional so that's why you are hurt. I'm sure you feel enough guilt without people posting the obvious. No ones slapping you on the back and saying well done , you feel awful and want to explore why. People do cheat, I've emotionally cheated if you can call it that but it made me question my own relationship and I left my husband.Lifes too short to be miserable but do the right thing by your partner.After a few years of dealing with divorce I often think I could have worked it out. Leaving isn't always the answer. Your partner should know. Let her decide if the relationship is irreparable as you can't keep this secret. It will come out someday and it will be worse. What do you want to happen or is it just difficult dealing with the emptiness?

Thank you Lottie for your sensible post. I was wondering if I'd entered a parallel universe