Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

(670 Posts)
OneOutOneIn Mon 29-Jun-15 19:26:06

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

derxa Mon 29-Jun-15 19:30:55

Limerence is very powerful when it gets a grip. I have experienced it a few times and it is a form of hormonal madness. Good luck in getting yourself sorted out.

Earthbound Mon 29-Jun-15 19:39:55

I had it once in my early twenties after a brief relationship ended baldly. I had (just) enough common sense to not actually do anything stalkerish but I was utterly obsessed with him. He occupied a good deal of head space for quite a long time.

It is horrible. As derxa says, it is a kind of madness. I had enough self awareness to realise that what I was feeling was irrational! obsessive and unhealthy but not enough to snap out of it. I was also too embarrassed to tell anyone how I felt which meant that I didn't have people who cared about me to talk sense into me. Time and physical distance cured me in the end. You have to be ruthless and just cut them out of your life.

Somedizzywhore1804 Mon 29-Jun-15 19:48:20

Fuck. I think I've had this. But never heard of it before. Just googled and definitely think I've had it and it's to do with attachment theory. Does anyone know any more?

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 19:51:10

I had it in my teens after my first "real" relationship ended after 2 years. I stalked him and his new gf for months, I was lucky not to be arrested, looking back.

The fact that he kept sleeping with me "for old times sake" didn't help, obviously hmm

I told him a load of lies to try to get his attention and love, including making out that he'd got me pregnant and I'd had a miscarriage, amongst other horrible things. I am truly ashamed of what I became during that time. It was like a psychotic episode. I felt like anything I did or said, if I got him back, it was justified.

Then I had a bereavement and it just seemed to be like a bucket of cold water over me. I was able to move on.

Unfortunately the relationship models I learned as a child were very unhealthy and I had very little sense of boundaries. I was also spoonfed romantic tearjerkers and the idea that "if you love someone then it's meant to be and you have to pursue them to the point of death", people dying of broken hearts, and especially the notion that "if you just love him enough, he'll love you back eventually."

I have had plenty of sexual crushes since then, and I've been fannystruck over a new bloke a time or two, but I've never felt anything remotely like that obsession again, thank god.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Mon 29-Jun-15 20:31:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somedizzywhore1804 Mon 29-Jun-15 20:36:51

whatyouseeiswhatyouget YES I totally recognise that "got no choice" thing.... How have I never heard of this? Just googled and it says can be connected to OCD- I have OCD!!!

Earthbound Mon 29-Jun-15 20:39:04

I also think it should be more widely talked about whatyousee. I spent years thinking that what I experienced was simply an intense crush. I think it was on MN that I first came across the term and I remember being a bit shocked that it was actually a 'thing' that happened to other people as well.

akaWisey Mon 29-Jun-15 20:43:07

Not me personally but my ex husband experienced it with an OW. He used to phone her and if he couldn't get hold of her he'd just keep ringing and ringing and ringing, texting.....until he got hold of her. I know this because I found his mobile phone record grin. When she was doing her masters he did loads of the research for her, I mean he was MAD for her. Quite bonkers really.

Anyway it was him who introduced me to limerence when I found out about them. it was his way of trying to make it alright grin. Honestly you couldn't make it up, but he tried.

He was such a twat.

BeetlebumShesAGun Mon 29-Jun-15 20:51:20

Thanks to this thread I have realised I have had this!

While at uni I became completely, totally and utterly obsessed with this guy. He was quite into me when we first met, despite the fact he had a girlfriend (I know, I'm sorry). I just remember not being able to tear myself away from his side, and when we finally got together, he wasn't interested any more. By that point though we had formed a close friendship group so we would see each other all the time. His halls bedroom was across the street from my kitchen so I would sit in the kitchen for hours watching, when I saw the light go on I would immediately text and ring until he got back to me.

He was a charming bastard and he did keep me on a tight hook but some of the things I did to try and keep him make me genuinely ashamed now.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 29-Jun-15 21:11:21

Oh god!
Yes I had this as an 18yo. It was horrific. I attempted suicide.

I have a really really unhealthy attitude to relashionships I think. I simply don't know how to act.

I think I'm experiencing it at the mo tbh. sad
I've been looking for councillors to help me stop obsessing.

OneOutOneIn Mon 29-Jun-15 21:16:02

Thanks all for not telling me to just get a grip.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget What became of your first husband?

Earthbound I'm the same, except that it's really taking a hold of me which makes me think that I should just get a grip. Especially as I seem to be fine in everyday life.

DarylDixonsDarlin Mon 29-Jun-15 21:18:00

I had never heard the word until now. I've just googled and read the basic wiki definition of it - it felt a bit like someone was reading my mind sad

OneOutOneIn Mon 29-Jun-15 21:20:24

akaWisey
Anyway it was him who introduced me to limerence when I found out about them.... He was such a twat

Did his obsession therefore lead to your divorce? When he 'kindly' explained his limerence to you did you just decide to call time there and then?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Mon 29-Jun-15 21:21:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChilliAndMint Mon 29-Jun-15 21:28:39

Is it not another term for a crush?

akaWisey Mon 29-Jun-15 21:32:05

Yes we divorced, eventually, because he preferred limerence to a real life marriage with a woman who he didn't have to virtually stalk chase. For my part I didn't care what it was called, but I was shocked at the lengths he went to, to have contact with her.

I think it was quite an addictive experience for him and as he'd had a gambling problem at university and was drink dependent I suppose it was only a matter of time before he needed something else.

See? Told you he was a twat grin

OneOutOneIn Mon 29-Jun-15 21:36:00

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Did you have DC with husband 1? And have you both since been able to rebuild a bridge or been able to communicate again?

Does husband 2 care about his DCs? How do you feel about it all if you could go back and change things?

I was the subject of my university-love's limerence but we were so so young I just moved on and it didn't occur to me that it was limerence.

But recently, or actually for the past 3 years, having wondered so much about my ex makes me think maybe it's payback for my cruelty or maybe it's just a case of time.

I thought there is more to limerence than time because limerence implies that you still are affected after x amount of years. It's not the same as just breaking up with someone and just going your own separate ways. if that makes sense?

brokenhearted55a Mon 29-Jun-15 21:40:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneOutOneIn Mon 29-Jun-15 21:41:15

akaWisey wine to you! Clearly a twat but did she just pop out of no-where? As where was she when you were both in the honeymoon period or indeed engaged etc?

Earthbound Mon 29-Jun-15 21:42:48

I don't think it's just a crush. It sounds mad to say it, but my limerence-fuelled reaction to the end of that brief relationship when I was 21 affected me far more than the break up of my marriage when I was 35.

UterusUterusGhali Mon 29-Jun-15 21:43:40

I'd say it goes waaaay beyond a crush, chilli.

I've crushed on guys plenty of times. This was/is more like a madness. It's not benign.
I can control it much better now I'm older.

The wiki page is pretty good.
I was reading saying "shit, that's me!" Every paragraph.

BlankXpression Mon 29-Jun-15 21:47:57

Yes, experienced it once. It was horrible, almost like having a mental breakdown. I was functioning on the surface, nobody else knew... but I was utterly obsessed and not very well inside. It lasted for 2.5 years after the (brief) relationship ended, and was hellish. It felt very much like any other unhealthy, destructive addiction, to be honest.

I had therapy, but to be honest, only time/no contact/distraction eventually eased it.

I had never experienced anything like it before...or since (thank God). I am a reasonably intelligent, sane woman with a fairly healthy relationship history. No real idea to this day why I became such a compete mess over a man, but I have an inkling he was actually quite an abusive man who fucked with my head on some level. His abusive/narcissistic behaviour somehow triggered some needy, obsessional, desperate part of me...so possibly something to do with attachment, yes.

ChilliAndMint Mon 29-Jun-15 21:48:09

Oh yes, I can definitely relate to that. Made me quite sick, a crush that I couldn't shake off, think it's quite common.

akaWisey Mon 29-Jun-15 21:50:24

No, he was her lecturer (I know, I know) so it had time to 'build' as it were until she graduated and then he got her a job with him.....they even started their phd's together at the same institution hmm

Your post about time - well by coincidence the woman he left me for (yep, he did) was his first love from university. I think he had the same limerence type thing with her too, but really I just think of it as an affair because y'know there are some things that you just can't dress up to make them more.....interesting than they really are!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now