Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

[OneOutOneIn]

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

This thread has brought so much back to mind. I had forgotten the "pain in the chest and shallow breathing" thing which made me think I had a heart problem.
If it is any comfort to those still suffering in the acute stage it is possible to get past it. I am now happy with a lovely man who is good for me and adores me. There aren't the adrenaline highs of the " will he won't he?" or the agonising over possible fantasy reconciliations but equally I am certain I am loved by a good kind reliable man. The kind of love we have is totally different, I want to say "wholesome" but the sex is very rude
My LO was married and cheating with me, and he went back to his DW to try to repair his marriage. I am glad we didn't break up his family over this.
I managed to deal with letting him go by telling myself if I truly loved him I would want him to be happy with his DW and his DC and have a good life without me.

I think of limerance almost as being in love with being in love. It is really something that is governed by and addiction to the intensity of feeling that's involved, and not the actual love object. However, people with limerance can sometimes recognise that they don't love the actual person but an idealised version of them. Yet this doesn't seem to break the spell, partly because it's not really about the object at all. I think it's often a displacement of issues to do with rejection and abandonment and commitment, but also wider life dissatisfactions which the person seeks to escape in an imaginative world. The trouble is that the fantasy is hugely disruptive, and actually prevents the person from experiencing more grounded forms of happiness and togetherness, or making changes to the things that are often very wrong in their lives.

It is very, very different from a reciprocated passion between two adults, in the sense that unrequitedness is very much a part of the dynamic. Crucially, it is always very much a fantasy - and moves that might turn it into a reality quickly generate feelings of unease.

brokenhearted55a He sounds horrendous. Seems to be a running theme on this thread. On a positive note we all eventually see them for what they are. Admittedly, it doesn't change your feelings in the immediate sense as otherwise there'd be no such thing as limerence. It's just been a week. Remember when it had just been a day? and that day became a few days and now a week? soon it will be a month and then a few months and why not even a year?

By the way,
I went nuts in that I was upset when he told me he met someone. ..so much for the year. But now regret it as made me look undignified.

I was on a thread once and remember someone saying that she thought "dignity above all else" is bullshit. Your emotions are valid and better get them out than leave them to fester inside. Looking back I regret the things I didn't say, not the things I did.

Reading this is like reading about my entire relationship history.

I've read around the theory behind it a bit and I'm fairly sure the reason I'm like this is due to my mother leaving at age 16, and my father getting into another relationship v quickly. This coincided with my first relationships, which I now realise were marred by the 'insecure attachment' I had developed as a result of feeling abandoned by my parents.

Problem is, I ended up marrying the object of my most powerful limerence. It had all the hallmarks, amazing connection, but he had a gf. They broke up but then he kept me at arms length, but with just enough of a carrot dangled to keep me there. Went through an awful few years, had an abortion which was traumatic. After that he decided he liked me and we got together properly, I was so ecstatic I ignored all the red flags. Things moved quickly and we had DD. problem is the limerence ended and the reality has hit me.

I feel pretty trapped right now, although working towards leaving.

However, in the meantime I've developed another limerent attachment to a work colleague.

It's mad, I KNOW it's not real and in my head I'm ascribing all these amazing attributes to him that I have no idea if they exist, but it's so powerful. I feel like I'm living two lives, my real one which I'm plodding along in, and the fantasy life in my head which is constantly playing. I feel like I'm going mad!

I thought limerence was the totally normal bit of the start of a relationship when you are madly infatuated with someone and think about them all the time. So surely pretty much everyone has been like this?

We worked together so every day, which made it worse! But it would be like, we'd see each other, have a lovely night, he'd ask to see me again the following evening. Then during the day freak out say it was too much and he didn't want to see me.

Then go out with his mates and snog another girl.

Every time I tried to have enough and date someone else he'd get really jealous and then tell me he liked me. I WISH I'd seen it for what it was at the time (and listened to my friends!) but I was obsessed, I thought that it was meant to be as I'd never had a connection like this before and if I could only make him realise!

I wouldn't let it give you hope, it's not a good thing because it's not real. I've been ian relationship with someone who is not right for me, and although we've had good times he has a lot of faults that ultimately will probably be the end of us.

I wish I'd had more self esteem and got together with someone in a calmer way, based on mutual respect and slowly getting to know one another. I can't look back on our early relationship with affection as it brings back all those awful feelings of desperation, elation, lack of control etc.

Even if you got together, one day the scales would fall from your eyes and you would find it hard to love someone who has treated you this way, ultimately any relationship that starts this way is doomed to fail

I think I am very prone to limerence and have experianced it repeatedly since I have been in my teens with various men over the years. I am not sure what causes it. Worst one is with a man I met in my early 20's I was obsessed with him, stalked him online for 15 years really. I can't say I am even really over it now totally, I still think of him even though I haven't seen him for 14 years. I also was limerent with a minor celebrity a few years ago, he was a bit older than me, on telly in the early 90's and I emailed him and he responed, wanted to meet I guess we had a kind of relationship but it wasn't healthy at all. I think I am over him now. I feel my behaviour comes from low self esteem, I have been in therapy a few times but I never actually spoke about the above behaviour I was too ashamed.

Looking back I am lucky nobody ever called the police on me, I guess most of the men I acted this way to were single and happy to take what I was offering to an extent. One man a lecturer was married, I think I terrified him, I feel so bad that I upset him like that.

I rarely meet new people now and often hope I have out grown such behaviour but now and again I do meet a man and often if they show me the slightest attention or I feel a connection with them I fall in love with them instantly.

Its a very sad state of affairs.

"I thought limerence was the totally normal bit of the start of a relationship when you are madly infatuated with someone and think about them all the time. So surely pretty much everyone has been like this?"

I've always thought this, or else we would all just get together with anyone that seemed reasonably 'nice'. All the women I've had relationships with, I've had a bit of a mad crush on at first; otherwise it's just friendship if you don't fancy them.

This limerance thing sounds awful though.

Has anyone seen that film I mentioned upthread?

Yes I have experienced this a few times, including now, although I have it a little bit under control now. It's horrible. It's the intrusive thoughts that are the worst thing, and it's so hard to resist getting caught up in fantasy, imagining when I will next see them, what I will say etc. I am on a long-term quest to find a way to not be like this. And therapy doesn't really help me because I have a tendency to develop painfully strong feelings for the therapist.

I relate to so much of what's been written.

I had fairly normal, healthy relationships before and after the guy I've written about here. I've been in love a couple of times, and no, it was nothing like this. Thankfully.

Looking back, apart from barely recognising myself, I feel as if I lost those years of my life. I was so obsessed with him, unable to do much else apart from spend my time thinking about him, analysing everything he did and said. What a waste of precious time. I used to look forward to time on my own, away from work, friends and family, so I could play soppy music and just sit around thinking of him

Also relate very strongly to the part about them doing just enough to win you back.
The final time I told him I was done, I was prepared for more of his games and manipulation. Previous times I'd always fallen for it and gone back.
I remember him once telling me about how women always fell for him, and at the time I thought he was a tosser, but later I realised he was using the same techniques on them. Push-pull, mixed signals.
I lost friends during that time, and I didn't perform well at work. Like I said, wasted years.
And once again, years after I last saw him, thinking of him is physically affecting me. Butterflies and my heart is pounding.

I thought limerence was the totally normal bit of the start of a relationship when you are madly infatuated with someone and think about them all the time. So surely pretty much everyone has been like this?"

Neolara - it's not the same. It's difficult to explain if you haven't experienced it - but the check list above has it about right. One feature is MASSIVELY intrusive thinking. So for example in a "normal" relationship at the start when you are infatuated, you may find that he's on your mind a lot of the time and you from time to time gaze off into the distance thinking (eg) how perfect his abs are. But if you have urgent work to do, you can get on with it and focus. By contrast, limerence is such that even if you have something urgent to do or something of greater importance, that you still can't focus or concentrate. The instrusion of the limerent object of your thoughts is constant. Eg. you could be delivering a eulogy at your best friend's funeral who died tragically young and still not really be properly engaged because he's always on your mind. The thoughts of the limerent object are THAT intrusive. It is very distructive.

Has anyone seen that film I mentioned upthread?

No bitoffun but I noted it to track down.

I can't say I am even really over it now totally, I still think of him even though I haven't seen him for 14 years.

Lovemadsad This is my greatest fear. I'm several years in, no contact for over a year (ie. direct communcation from me, he's contacted me but I've not responded). I still think of him every day. I know this is pathetic for all sorts of reasons.

And I hate myself for feeling like this. I really hate myself. It's disgusting and stupid. The only saving grace is that I've stuck to no contact.

was so obsessed with him, unable to do much else apart from spend my time thinking about him, analysing everything he did and said. What a waste of precious time. I used to look forward to time on my own, away from work, friends and family, so I could play soppy music and just sit around thinking of him

Neolara this post from Senada is a good illustration of the point I was making about the difference between honeymoon period/infatuation at the start of a normal relationship.

Limerence affects your life fundamentally and makes you non-functioning. Another symptom is preferring fantasising about the Limerent Object or re-running in your mind encounters you had with them (last date, last phone call etc etc) over other activity. The only other activity that would trump that is being with them or going to where they might be.

I lost friends during that time, and I didn't perform well at work. Like I said, wasted years.
And once again, years after I last saw him, thinking of him is physically affecting me. Butterflies and my heart is pounding.

Senada - I identify with a lot of this - especially didn't perform well at work. It's like I was on minimal level of functioning because THE GREAT GOD was more important.

It really is a type of mental disorder.

That's it exactly, Self, a minimal level of functioning.
I only did the absolute necessities in life, the rest of my time, as much as possible, was spent thinking about him.

I kept a (private) blog at the time. I started it about 6 months after I met him and continued it after I went NC, and up until a year ago. I've looked at it from time to time in the past few months. It's actually embarassing to read. I sound deranged.

I hear you Senada - probably because it was deranged thinking. The most deranged part of it is that typically (Certainly in my case), the Limerant Godlike Creature isn't merely a man with feet of clay. He's actually made totally of excrement and is cruel and nasty. Wanting that is deranged. But can't help it.

He's actually made totally of excrement and is cruel and nasty.

Oh yes, mine was a twunt of the highest order. He actually admitted to me that he plays games with everyone.