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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone know much about limerence or ever experienced it?

669 replies

OneOutOneIn · 29/06/2015 19:26

It's something I've been reading about recently as I suspect I'm experiencing it with a particular evasive ex but I wonder if the truth is just to get a grip?

OP posts:
Senada · 03/07/2015 00:03

Flowers Broken

brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 00:04

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brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 00:06

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brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 01:00

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Underbeneathsies · 03/07/2015 01:40

Sounds like Twilight!

I was always told never marry the man you have the most mind blowing sex with- just enjoy the sex and move on, as you are unhinged with him, and I agree.

Flowers to everyone who is unhinged at the moment.

kleaninryd · 03/07/2015 03:21

I have experiances this intensely with a guy I met in my early twenties. I never even noticed him at first but he started paying a bit of attention to me flirting and so on and I totally fell for him so hard. I was so sexually attracted to him my whole body felt like a beacon around him. It truly was a kind of madness. It was the usual story lots of mixed messages, him coming on strong then ignoring me it went on for about a year before we lost touch. I was so obsessed with him I used to day dream about cleaning his toilet. Sad truth is I think if I had been more "normal" he might have actually been more interested. I am ashamed to say he is still often on my mind, I know where he lives and stuff which is a bit shady.

It is actually reassuring to read that others have felt the same, I used to marvel at women who could keep their cool in regards to love but perhaps most just hide it better than I do?

brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 10:18

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ladyfromvenus · 03/07/2015 13:49

This is an interesting thread with some wise comments. I'm sure a lot of us are learning and being helped to know we are not alone with our feelings especially on the bad days.

It seems to be the dishonest and cruel behaving men who are the cause of this anguish and even though we know this deep down, the feelings are so powerful. Some of these men are so charismatic that it's hard to take in what they are doing, not sure whether it's conscious and they do it on purpose.

MadeMan · 03/07/2015 13:59

Does limerence only affect people that have had relationships with the limerent object person, or could somebody be affected purely by not having had any relationship with them; like fancying someone from afar, but not really seeing them much?

Everyone who's posted here so far seems to have had some kind of initial relationship with them.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 03/07/2015 14:12

I think possibly it doesn't get to an advanced stage MadeMan without some form of interaction. As others have posted above, its the interactions that keep it going, without that it would just fizzle out I guess Confused (that has happened to me before)

MadeMan · 03/07/2015 14:23

So more like a snog at a party and then being blanked afterwards would set it off then?

brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 14:27

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CheersMedea · 03/07/2015 14:37

Mademan

Does limerence only affect people that have had relationships with the limerent object person, or could somebody be affected purely by not having had any relationship with them; like fancying someone from afar, but not really seeing them much?

This thread is really interesting.

I think proper limerence requires a degree of interaction/some kind of "relationship" with the person - even if that is just a one night stand or casual sex.

If there is no relationship then that is erotomania which is true delusion.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotomania

DarylDixonsDarlin · 03/07/2015 14:38

Yes IME that's enough to get it started - or indeed less than that! But I think the more interactions the person has, it deepens, ifyswim.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 03/07/2015 14:40

Does the relationship need to be physical tho Cheers? I didn't think it did. I will have a read of the erotomania link shortly.

CheersMedea · 03/07/2015 15:08

I'm no expert on this Daryl! My guess is as good as yours!

My guess would be that limerence needs some kind of real life "relationshippy type" interaction - as opposed to total fantasy. May not need to be sexual but dates of some kind or similar.

If there is no "relationship interaction" then that is a delusion = erotomania.

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 03/07/2015 15:11

This thread has really hit me thinking and wondering about how easy it would be for me to get back into my limerance. Mine was my teacher- from the time I was 11. Sexual relationship with him from the time I was 14/15 and it went on until I was in my early 20s. Nearly ten years out of it now and I loathe him but the sex and sexual attraction was incredible... Like nothing I've ever experienced since. Not so much that the sex was brilliant, although it was, but no more brilliant than with my now husband, but I was obsessed with him. And I think he was obsessed with me- I think we were equally limerant for some years. We would have these mad fights and these mad arguments that were just as powerful as the sex. Despite the fact that I can't stand him or what he did to me now, I know that I would still find him sexy and charming were we ever in a social situation again. I would absolutely never put myself in such a position though because I do think it was a form of madness and it would be too easy to get back into the insanity.

Weasel113 · 03/07/2015 15:29

One of the most interesting posts I have read for a long time. Yes to having suffered this....it screwed me up and made me bitter for years. It was 20 years ago and I am trying to think of how deeply I felt. Not being able to be with her was on a par with trying to get over said person's death. Wondering about what might have been. I remember the emotional pain of it. I never knew the reason I felt like I did back then until now. You live and you learn. Bizarrely, I believe she suffered from the same thing regarding me....I think:)

BitOfFun · 03/07/2015 15:42

Madness? That sounds more like abuse- the guy should be prosecuted Shock

themostinterestinglife · 03/07/2015 15:43

I'm just coming out a limerant episode...it's been 3 years and so difficult. I know I am fine if we are completely no contact, and am nearly fine if he sends a work-related email (we are colleagues), but have to be deliberately abrupt with him when we have to meet in person (probably to the point of rudeness, but necessary for the sake of my sanity...)

Has anyone been able to identify why this has happened to them when it has? In my case I'm pretty sure it is to do with abandonment/attachment issues as it has coincided with a period of severely poor mental health. Now that I am better, stronger and have my sense of self worth and self esteem back again, my terrible obsession and stalking of him is ending.

MadeMan · 03/07/2015 15:58

When I was younger I had quite a crush on a young woman who then rejected me when I asked her out and I kind of pined after her for a good few months afterwards, but I wouldn't say that was limerence; just that feeling of wanting what you can't have and being disappointed.

MadeMan · 03/07/2015 16:01

I was also a bit of an unfriendly arsehole towards her after she rejected me whenever I saw her, but I couldn't be nice and just friends with her.

brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 16:05

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ElectraCute · 03/07/2015 16:24

I've experienced it once. The only thing that stopped it was getting together with my dp, with whom I have an extremely balanced, calm and delightfully non-obsessive relationship Grin

It went on for years, however. It was absolutely awful. I'd been with him for three years, first love. I actually ended it, but became completely obsessed with getting back together, for years and years afterwards. He was actually a very nice guy, not at all an evil git, but I'd hurt him and he didn't want anything to do with me (understandably, as I'd behaved v badly at the end). And that just fuelled it until I was in this state of madness.

I spent hours and hours internet stalking him. Every time I got on a tube I'd check up and down the carriage wondering if he was on it! I'd plan trips to places I thought he might be (thankfully I never actually went on them). I used to hang around our old flat, just walking around and around, thinking about him. I'd cry and cry and cry, and obsess, and go to bed every night and lie there conjuring up scenarios where we'd meet. And I'd dream about him a LOT, which was horrible. Just on my mind, all the time. Literally all the time.

It did fade a little, but it didn't really go away until I met dp. Even now, I do think about him quite a lot but it's just 'oh, yeah, him' rather than the awful obsessive weirdness of before.

I do think it's a genuine mental health issue. I did feel as if I had lost my mind - I knew I was behaving oddly but I just couldn't stop it. I hated being that way and am so pleased that I feel 'normal' again. It did all escalate at a time where I had lots of other crappy stuff going on and I have often thought that these obsessive thoughts and fantasies were a bit of an 'escape', almost a safe place I could go to, even if it made me feel bad in the long run. Like an addiction.

brokenhearted55a · 03/07/2015 17:31

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