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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would this lack of honesty annoy you?

82 replies

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 16:29

Dh and I have been together a long time but things have gone down hill in the last 18 months as he appears to have had a mid life crisis. He has taken up a hobby which seems to take priority over his family - out several times a week,always messaging people on FB, spending hours doing stuff which is hobby related. He has not worked for several years and only wants to do work related to his hobbies and interests which obviously limits his options. I am getting really fed up with funding this lifestyle when I work all hours to pay the bills. If I complain he says that I am just 'jealous' because I have no friends or hobbies .

He goes out every Sunday until around 4.30 usually. Today he has called to say that he may be around an hour or so later and to sort dinner out for myself and dc. I asked why and he said it was because he got there a bit later today. I know that the club packs up at a certain time and when I pointed this out he admitted that the club was packing up but that he was going to a friend's house for tea and a chat . What annoys me is that he initially wouldn't be honest about why he was going to be late. Also, being an hour late doesn't affect our dinner time so why say that?

A while ago he injured himself and ended up on crutches for several months. He told me that he had tripped up at a garage whilst getting petrol but it later transpired that it was his hobby that had caused the injury. There are lots of other little things where he hasn't been honest and I now never know whether to believe him or not. Have considered divorce but he has nowhere to go and can't support himself financially and I can't afford to buy him out in any case .

OP posts:

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ALaughAMinute · 31/05/2015 16:34

Yes, his lack of honesty would annoy me. Is he working? Why can't he support himself financially?

How old is your DC? If you split you should be allowed to stay in the house until your DC is 18.

PeppermintCrayon · 31/05/2015 16:36

The lack of honesty would annoy me, yes, but I would be more concerned by someone sponging off me while telling me I am jealous. He is being an absolute arse.

Have considered divorce but he has nowhere to go and can't support himself financially

Tough shit. This is his problem, not yours.

ALaughAMinute · 31/05/2015 16:36

Sorry just noticed that you said he hasn't worked for several years. Why?

PeppermintCrayon · 31/05/2015 16:37

I mean tough shit to him not you :flowers:

VodkaJelly · 31/05/2015 16:37

Yes it would annoy me very much. I would also stop supporting him financially to force him to work. Just keep your money, pay for the bills and if he wants to do his hobby then he has to pay for it.

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 16:38

No, he's not working and has no income at all other than what I give him which isn't a lot. Things are very tight financially so he needs to be earning but there seems no urgency. Dc is 15.

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Skiptonlass · 31/05/2015 16:39

Why isn't he working?

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 16:40

Really he tells you you are jealous? Why are you finding his hobbies he needs to man up get a job and contribute. I'd never keep a man especially one that brings nothing to the table

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 16:41

Kick him out and claim tax credits

Elllimam · 31/05/2015 16:41

I also would stop paying for his hobby.

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 16:41

He can sign on

StaceyAndTracey · 31/05/2015 16:42

" Have considered divorce but he has nowhere to go and can't support himself financially and I can't afford to buy him out in any case "

I don't understand this . If he's unemployed, surely you are paying the mortgage alone right now. So if you are supporting two adults and kids, why couldnt you afford to support yourself and the kids ? And you won't have to pay for his expensive hobby.

If he's a single unemployed man he will get benefits just like everyone else . He can rent somewhere to live .

You don't necessarily have to buy him out now, if you have the children living with you .

DirectorOfBetter · 31/05/2015 16:42

What is he currently bringing to your marriage and family? What is he taking from it? You might be better off without him if those don't stack up over a period of time.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 31/05/2015 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlternativeTentacles · 31/05/2015 16:44

You might find having nowhere to live and no money to live on focuses his mind somewhat. At the moment he is behaving like a kept man.

Personally I think he is taking the piss out of you.

ALaughAMinute · 31/05/2015 16:46

I can't believe you're paying for his hobby when he's not making an effort to find a job. Does he do the housework and shopping?

To be honest I wouldn't have any respect for a man who didn't want to work. If I was in your position I would kick him out and tell him to find a job and pay for himself!

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 16:48

not just the lack of honesty but the cocklodging would make me end this relationship

what exactly is in if for you ?

you are just the convenient workhorse and domestic drudge

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 16:55

He used to do more housework and does it now if I 'nag' him. He usually will do things 'in his own time' rather than when I ask. The house is jointly owned so he won't leave without me buying out his share of the assets.

I have been paying all the bills for around 4 years now. At first he had to stay at home as a carer because dc has SN and we had lots of school issues. As dc is older this is not such a big problem and he could have sought work at least 2 years ago. He has had depression and health issues so this might be a factor but this hasn't stopped his hobbies.

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SugarOnTop · 31/05/2015 16:57

I am getting really fed up with funding this lifestyle when I work all hours to pay the bills.......there seems no urgency

why would he have a sense of urgency or anything else when he's got muggins (you) doing all the hard work and paying for everything?! why on earth have you allowed him to behave like this? STOP giving him money for anything - especially his hobbies - it's only when it actually affects him personally that he is going to start taking notice.

as for where would he live post separation/divorce - well, that's for him to figure out by getting off his lazy arse and getting a job!

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 17:02

If I stop giving him money won't that leave me open to being accused of being 'financially abusive'? I pay petrol, car tax insurance etc but don't drive and we rarely go out as a family. He uses the car for his hobbies and seeing his mates. I'm being taken for a mug aren't I?

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AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 17:03

yup

bittapitta · 31/05/2015 17:07

It's not "emotionally abusive" to say: we, as a family, cannot afford your hobby right now. Just tell him today was the last straw. A hobby isn't like a job or studying.

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RedDwarfPosse · 31/05/2015 17:08

D'ya know what, if that was me I WOULD be jealous!! Not a bad life for him is it?! He sponges your earnings, takes life easy, has hobbies and friends, socialises while you work all the hours with no time for the things he enjoys... you're damn right I'd be jealous!! What a selfish knob. No wonder you're considering divorce - a move u should make if it's how u seriously feel. And he'll just have to grow a pair and learn to look after himself... He is a grown man and u are not his mother

strawberry01 · 31/05/2015 17:08

get rid of the car and stop giving him money. Only buy him what he needs eg food and toiletries. Any complaints just say "sorry can't afford it" and repeat.

To be honest I would leave him.

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 17:21

I had a friend call me the other evening. Dc has just told me that dh was annoyed about it and said that I had no friends and perhaps it was the 'queen of the fairies' who was calling! He however is always on the phone to his mates . If I say anything I get told I'm crazy, not right in the head or menopausal.

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