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Original poster

Would this lack of honesty annoy you?

82 replies

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 16:29

Dh and I have been together a long time but things have gone down hill in the last 18 months as he appears to have had a mid life crisis. He has taken up a hobby which seems to take priority over his family - out several times a week,always messaging people on FB, spending hours doing stuff which is hobby related. He has not worked for several years and only wants to do work related to his hobbies and interests which obviously limits his options. I am getting really fed up with funding this lifestyle when I work all hours to pay the bills. If I complain he says that I am just 'jealous' because I have no friends or hobbies Hmm.

He goes out every Sunday until around 4.30 usually. Today he has called to say that he may be around an hour or so later and to sort dinner out for myself and dc. I asked why and he said it was because he got there a bit later today. I know that the club packs up at a certain time and when I pointed this out he admitted that the club was packing up but that he was going to a friend's house for tea and a chat Hmm. What annoys me is that he initially wouldn't be honest about why he was going to be late. Also, being an hour late doesn't affect our dinner time so why say that?

A while ago he injured himself and ended up on crutches for several months. He told me that he had tripped up at a garage whilst getting petrol but it later transpired that it was his hobby that had caused the injury. There are lots of other little things where he hasn't been honest and I now never know whether to believe him or not. Have considered divorce but he has nowhere to go and can't support himself financially and I can't afford to buy him out in any case Sad.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 19:05

op, definitely take legal advice

it could be a problem that he has somehow manoevred himself into being "primary carer" for the dc while you go out to work

ilivehappilyeverafter · 31/05/2015 19:07

Hi reallyhackedoff, I have never posted before but read your thread and registered just to let you know I have been there with one of these arseholes. Put up with it till one day I came home after working all day (he didn't work at this point, and had no interest in getting another job) and nothing had been done, there he was lying flat out on the sofa watching TV. That night I decided enough was enough, next day while he was out I collected all his stuff and told him by phone it was all over. The amazing relief that it was finally over was amazing. He plead, he cried, and promised all sorts, but I knew none of it would ever happen. He even harrassed me but I never buckled. I flourished after, and I'm sure you will too in every aspect of your life. Just visualise going round the house packing his stuff up and how glad you will be to see the back of him. I'm by no means the strongest person, but I was just determined he would take no more from me or lower my self esteem any more than he already had. Stay strong x

Wristy · 31/05/2015 19:09

WTAF??? You're paying for a car you can't drive? That means you're paying for insurance, MOTs, servicing, repairs and maintenance, not to mention fuel. Think how much better off you would be if you got rid, because lets be honest as far as you're concerned it's just a bloody expensive paperweight!

Sell it, this week. Surely the money you saved there could go towards buying him out, no? Given that you've paid all this time what would you actually owe him?

Can't one of his thousands of friends lend him a sofa to sleep on?

jennyperru · 31/05/2015 19:13

"It's just a bloody expensive paperweight". Wristy that made me laugh out loud! But you're right, that's exactly what it is.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2015 19:14

STOP giving him money. Get your wages diverted to your own account and have the debits for the bills paid out of that. No more car insurance or petrol money.

See a solicitor and file for divorce. You don't have to be living separately to do this and then there's no grounds for him to accuse you of financial abuse.

You may not have to buy him out if the kids are still living there.

Get rid of this cocklodger.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 31/05/2015 19:18

I would remove any money you have for joint purposes, joint accounts or credit cards etc and then buy food as you need it for you and DC. Sell the car and cancel the insurance - even if you are planning to learn to drive, as that will always be 'his' car

are you in the same room at the moment? do you have a spare room? move his crap in there (once you have sorted the joint monies and cards etc) and stop giving him any money!

PoppyBlossom · 31/05/2015 19:25

Do you own your home or do you have a mortgage?

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 31/05/2015 19:44

"The house is jointly owned so he won't leave without me buying out his share of the assets"
mortgage i'd say

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2015 19:54

If you kick him out now it will be cheaper than if you kick him out in ten years' time. He wouldn't necessarily be entitled to 50% if you have your child who needs to live with you. If you do it now you can remortgage (it will still be cheaper for you than having that deadweight) - if you wait a few years your chances of remortgaging will be limited.

Get to a solicitor - he's taking the piss out of you.

038THETA · 31/05/2015 20:06

the 'man with all consuming hobby' seems to be increasingly a 'thing' just lately...or is it my imagination?

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 20:22

Thanks so much for all your comments. It helps that other people can see how unreasonable this is.

ilivehappilyeverafter Thanks. Yes,I came home one day to find his breakfast bowl still on the side. He hadn't put it away because I hadn't phoned to tip him off that him I was on my way home!

House is jointly owned. For the last 4 years I have been paying the mortgage,all bills, credit cards (mine and his), car expenses etc.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/05/2015 20:41

STOP PAYING OFF HIS BLOODY CREDIT CARD! If it's not in your name it's not your debt. Having letters from the credit-card owner should prompt him into action if nothing else does.

Fuck's sake, get rid. Soon.

Every mortgage payment you make is more of the equity that will go into his pocket. For doing nothing more than lying on the sofa all bloody day long.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2015 20:54

See a solicitor.

And stop all your wages going into the pot. Set up an account tomorrow to have everything diverted.

Then tell him, you are through. No more subsidising him. If he wants money for his hobby, his credit card paid or his car paid, he needs to find it from somewhere else.

Get rid. He's cocklodging.

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 21:04

He says that his contribution has been giving me lifts over all the years we have been together. That is all he can really say. He has done some odd jobs/DIY in the past but in the last few years (when he has actually had the time to do improvements to the house) nothing has been done.

What really annoys me is that if his friends call and want something done he will instantly rush to help them. If I ask for anything it will get done when he decides to do so. There are a lot of rows between him and ds as ds has no respect for him and can be very rude. It would be an easier life if they were apart really. Dh says that I never stick up for him or take his side on anything but a lot of the time I don't agree with what he says or does. I will start planning on how to get rid.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/05/2015 21:12

I hope you do get rid, soon.

Meanwhile, maybe hint that you are quitting your job and it's time you get a hobby and friends and he gets to work?

expatinscotland · 31/05/2015 21:19

Stop subsidising him. No more money for him at all. He's an emotionally abusive twat.

See the solicitor first to find out what you need to do to divorce him, then cut off the gravy train.

If your son is old enough, he can decide whom he'd like to live with.

If your husband wants luxuries like money for hobbies and to run a car, he can get a job. He can hit up all his lovely friends. He has all bill paid as it is.

chickenfuckingpox · 31/05/2015 21:19

how old is your child? im concerned he is the main caregiver and would be able to keep the house and claim spousal support because of this

Justusemyname · 31/05/2015 21:23

He says you should be higher up at work = wants more money

You have no friends = belittling you so you're too down trodden to even dare to divorce him.

He's a controlling, abusive, very clever man.

Stop wasting your life with this twat.

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 21:49

Ds is a strapping 6 foot teenager who doesn't want him living here either.I think he would be hard pushed to argue that he is the main care giver although he is at home during school holidays when I am working. Don't know if that would make a difference.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/05/2015 21:54

If your son doesn't want to live with him and he's a teenager nobody will force him to.

It is possible that you might be asked for spousal maintenance, as he's not working.
However, I think you should then argue that there is no reason other than his laziness for him not to work. If he hasn't worked for the last 4 years and your son is a teenager, surely he didn't stay at home to take care of him. It sounds like he doesn't even do housework.

Gorgonzolacherry · 31/05/2015 22:04

Go see a lawyer. Line up all your (financial and legal) ducks. Then kick the fucker out! He sounds CHRONIC. You deserve better. Much much much better. And you will possibly have more money as you won't be paying for a third child!

Gorgonzolacherry · 31/05/2015 22:05

And he's totally abusive as others have pointed out. Saying you have no friends and no hobbies. Fuck off.

chickenfuckingpox · 31/05/2015 22:08

line up your friends for support he could claim you are abusive and dependent on him and that's why he hasn't worked you might be accused of not letting him work (as done to a friend of mine he claimed she was emotionally abusing him)

Wristy · 31/05/2015 22:12

You pay his credit card too?? Good god this man doesn't know he's living! YY to all the previous posters- to the solicitor you must go. Good luck and good riddance! Xx

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 22:53

good god, you have been an absolute mug

get this sorted, and start tomorrow

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