Would this lack of honesty annoy you?

[reallyhackedoff]

Dh and I have been together a long time but things have gone down hill in the last 18 months as he appears to have had a mid life crisis. He has taken up a hobby which seems to take priority over his family - out several times a week,always messaging people on FB, spending hours doing stuff which is hobby related. He has not worked for several years and only wants to do work related to his hobbies and interests which obviously limits his options. I am getting really fed up with funding this lifestyle when I work all hours to pay the bills. If I complain he says that I am just 'jealous' because I have no friends or hobbies .

He goes out every Sunday until around 4.30 usually. Today he has called to say that he may be around an hour or so later and to sort dinner out for myself and dc. I asked why and he said it was because he got there a bit later today. I know that the club packs up at a certain time and when I pointed this out he admitted that the club was packing up but that he was going to a friend's house for tea and a chat . What annoys me is that he initially wouldn't be honest about why he was going to be late. Also, being an hour late doesn't affect our dinner time so why say that?

A while ago he injured himself and ended up on crutches for several months. He told me that he had tripped up at a garage whilst getting petrol but it later transpired that it was his hobby that had caused the injury. There are lots of other little things where he hasn't been honest and I now never know whether to believe him or not. Have considered divorce but he has nowhere to go and can't support himself financially and I can't afford to buy him out in any case .

My mouth looks like this

I think that you have sleep walked into this, and the alarm is now ringing.

Monday tomorrow, always a good day for a fresh start. Legal advice as soon as possible.

When he goes to his precious hobby, pack him a bag, leave it on the step and get the lock changed.

It's not legally right, as it's his house too, but he wouldn't sue over it unless he was mad, and it makes your point, plus draws a line in the sand.

I had a bf once who moved out. Still had a key, but I'm damned if anyone would move out on me and then come and go as they wish. So I locked the front door from the inside, put the bolt across and left they key in it so it couldn't be opened from the front. And I took to using the back door. Which he didn't have a key for. I hadn't done anything wrong......
Lo but he did try to get in when I wasn't there, cheeky git, and called me to find our where I was. I took my time coming home.

the hobby - cycling by any chance?

No, it's not cycling.
Well I haven't been to see a solicitor yet as I have absolutely no time off until the school hol's.

He tried to be extra helpful for a while, doing jobs around the house etc. He has also just got a job (related to his hobby) and I now keep hearing how hard it is, how many hours he works and how he is too tired to do anything (except if he wants to go out with his mates or do things that he wants to do).

I have said that once he's got a couple of weeks wages we need to sort out what his contribution toward the bills would be. Bearing in mind that almost all my salary goes on the bills he has said that he will contribute 'what he can afford'. He has previously said that as there is a lot of overtime available he will be 'raking it in' so it will be interesting to see what he offers. He also said that he will change his bank account so I can't see what he gets.

There have been several rows and I am just 'nit picking' apparently. He says he has done all that I required and it's not good enough so he 'wants out'. I have gone 'all weird and pathetic' apparently. I support ds too much and not him. He says he will go if I give him 'x amount' but I won't be able to raise that sort of money easily. I suggested he stay at a friends but he refuses to do this.

To cap it all he and ds had a major row where I had to stand in the middle to stop them coming to blows. He said some dreadful things to ds because he had been 'pushed too far by him' and ds was really upset. Ds later called Childline for support and also told school who have logged it too. I just don't know what to do.

This sounds miserable. What do you want to happen? You sound like you want to leave, do you? My friend, a solicitor, says she is amazed not at the small things that people split up over, but the amount of crap they will put up with before they do - and it sounds like you've had a great big pile! Depending where you are, if you wanted out now, it might be worth speaking to your Council about housing. If he is being abusive to you or your DC, and will not leave the house, they might consider you as homeless and house you if you want to leave him. If you do pay him money to leave, make sure its done through legal channels and he signs the house over to you. Don't just go on his word.

A lot of mumsnetters here are getting very angry on your behalf. Me too. AND your DS - no wonder he has no respect for this cocklodger when he sees how shittily he's treating his mum.

I'm just wondering when you're going to start getting angry.

I am angry but probably anxious and depressed too. He has a knack of twisting things to make it look like my fault and often denies saying things. If I want to speak about important things such as money he claims we've already sorted things out and walks away rather than chat as he doesn't want 'a row'. I am also sick of him wagging his finger at me or ds when he's annoyed about something
I hear him complaining about me to his family and friends and I'm sure they all believe that I am to blame for much of this. I don't to be the one to leave as ds doesn't cope with change too well.