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Original poster

Would this lack of honesty annoy you?

82 replies

reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 16:29

Dh and I have been together a long time but things have gone down hill in the last 18 months as he appears to have had a mid life crisis. He has taken up a hobby which seems to take priority over his family - out several times a week,always messaging people on FB, spending hours doing stuff which is hobby related. He has not worked for several years and only wants to do work related to his hobbies and interests which obviously limits his options. I am getting really fed up with funding this lifestyle when I work all hours to pay the bills. If I complain he says that I am just 'jealous' because I have no friends or hobbies Hmm.

He goes out every Sunday until around 4.30 usually. Today he has called to say that he may be around an hour or so later and to sort dinner out for myself and dc. I asked why and he said it was because he got there a bit later today. I know that the club packs up at a certain time and when I pointed this out he admitted that the club was packing up but that he was going to a friend's house for tea and a chat Hmm. What annoys me is that he initially wouldn't be honest about why he was going to be late. Also, being an hour late doesn't affect our dinner time so why say that?

A while ago he injured himself and ended up on crutches for several months. He told me that he had tripped up at a garage whilst getting petrol but it later transpired that it was his hobby that had caused the injury. There are lots of other little things where he hasn't been honest and I now never know whether to believe him or not. Have considered divorce but he has nowhere to go and can't support himself financially and I can't afford to buy him out in any case Sad.

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 31/05/2015 17:38

So not only is he lazy and not pulling his weight he is belittling you in front of the DC. Angry

I think you need to get angry OP and at the very least he needs to know he's out on his arse if he doesn't shape up. Life's too short for this shit.

ineedabodytransplant · 31/05/2015 17:43

AAGH!! Wrote a long post and lost it. Damn.

reallyhackedoff, you are funding a real cocklodger there who doesn't even have the decency to appreciate what you're doing for him.

Many people's partners don't/can't work for various reasons. Being a lazy-arsed bastard doesn't count.

If YOU don't need the car, get rid. Let the fucker walk to his hobby, see how much fun he finds that. If he won't work then stop any 'pocket money'. He's not a child. Get the lowlife earning his food and lodging.

We'd all love to be able to do sweet FA or whatever we wanted without having to worry about money. But that isn't reality (unless your a fucking member of the royal family Angry)

Real life means you earn your keep. Whether by working or raising a family.

Get rid of the freeloader. You're life will improve beyond belief.

Good luck

Isetan · 31/05/2015 17:48

As for financial abuse, what's stops him from claiming income support, oh yeah the requirement that he actively looks for work. You've indulged this man baby for far too long and it's time to stop, Christ what an entitled prick.

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 17:53

I know you're all right but I can't see how to get rid without having the finances to do so.

He often says that I spoil my ds when I spend money on him and I should be using the money on bills etc but I don't want ds to go without things that make him happy. I don't spend a lot in any case. Oh, he has also said a few times that I should be a lot further up in my job and that I should be earning more money by now.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 31/05/2015 17:56

I can't see how to get rid

You end it. He has a choice. Either he stays and you and the kids go; or you stay and he goes. 24 hours to decide.

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 18:00

But he will refuse to go and I won't leave as I've paid for most things.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 31/05/2015 18:03

Oh, he has also said a few times that I should be a lot further up in my job and that I should be earning more money by now.

Good God.

You don't have to buy him out you can sell the house and split the proceeds.

Fairenuff · 31/05/2015 18:04

Because of his attitude towards you, I would cut him off. Tell him it's over and you want to separate. Even if he doesn't leave the house, what is he going to live off?

WyrdByrd · 31/05/2015 18:07

Wow he is a proper piss-taker isn't he?

If money is tight, either his hobby has to go or he has to get off his arse and start earning a living. I suffer from depression - it has never stopped me working or contributing to our family practically or financially, and tbh it helps to have something to get your head around other than yourself for the most part.

I would also suggest you see a solicitor regarding where you stand legally if you do choose to kick him into touch, then at least if he doesn't start pulling his weight and treating you with more respect (and in all honesty I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you) then you can get the ball rolling and send him packing.

ineedabodytransplant · 31/05/2015 18:07

Don't you just love it when someone who doesn't earn a penny criticises your lack of career promotion?

Sponging bastard.

Come on Mumsnet, let's find out how reallyhackedoff can get this lowlife out of her life once and for all.

canweseethebunnies · 31/05/2015 18:08

It would only be financial abuse if you were stopping him from going out and getting a job or he was stuck at home with small children.

FenellaFellorick · 31/05/2015 18:11

And if you stay you'll pay for another 30 years.
At some point you have to consider stopping throwing good money after bad.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/05/2015 18:27

He doesn't work but you're paying for a car that you can't drive? FUCK THAT!

He's a lazy and entitled arsehole who's taking the piss out of you big-time, and has been for four, long years.

He gets a job or slings his hook. To be honest, if he was mine I wouldn't want him if he was employed full-time anyway.

Under the circs I'd be having a really long, hard think about splitting up and selling the house and being shot of him for good.

Do you really want to be shackled to this piss-taking cocklodger for the rest of your life?

I'm really, REALLY angry on your behalf.

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 18:34

He calls it the family car yet we rarely go out.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 31/05/2015 18:36

I won't leave as I've paid for most things

Well, only you can decide but I'd be prepared to take that risk to get out.

If the things are more important to you then perhaps you need to stay.

You should be in control here - not him.

File for divorce, sleep in separate rooms and then sell up and split the proceeds. That is another option.

Sell the car, cancel the insurance, stop funding his habits and hobbies, and see where that goes.

sadwidow28 · 31/05/2015 18:40

Have you written about this before?

If not, there is someone on MN in exactly the same situation.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/05/2015 18:43

Tell him you've got to sell the car because you can't afford to run it any longer. He gets to run it if he earns to money to finance it, otherwise it has to go.

ineedabodytransplant · 31/05/2015 18:43

reallyhackedoff,

if he has no money and nowhere to go if you split.....tough shit. That's his problem not yours.

Stop worrying about him, he's managed ok so far. You're living proof of that. These bastards always land on their feet (at someone else's expense , of course).

He doesn't seem to give you or your dc a thought. He's a sponger, nothing more. Worthless to you and a total waste of oxygen and skin.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2015 18:44

ineed is right, listen to him

Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 18:48

No,not written about this before. He is now on a rant asking what's wrong with me because I have said that I won't keep funding him. He says that he in fact costs nothing Hmm. I am in the wrong for not liking him having friends and hobbies. If he didn't have them he would go crazy etc etc

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyhackedoff · 31/05/2015 18:50

Apparently 'everyone' (his family and friends) think I am in the wrong. sod them all. Ds and I would be happier on our own anyway.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 31/05/2015 18:52

If he costs nothing why is he ranting about you not funding him.
If he costs nothing hand him nothing.
How can he both cost nothing and want money?

pocketsaviour · 31/05/2015 18:56

Make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow. In fact make several, with several firms, for the free half hour. Ask them where you stand, taking into account his shitty "not leaving the house" attitude.

IANAL but my instinctive reaction is that the house gets sold and you split the equity, with slightly more going to you as you have DC with you. If there's enough equity you buy yourself a new place; if there's isn't, you rent. Shouldn't be a problem since you're employed.

Not so for him, of course, as most private landlords won't touch housing benefit. Oh dear, sucks to be a lazy arse wanker, doesn't it?

goddessofsmallthings · 31/05/2015 18:59

he has also said a few times that I should be a lot further up in my job

Shock So the idle fucker he gets to comment on your career too, does he?

Either learn to drive or sell the car - if you're not planning to learn anytime soon simply save your money and cancel the insurance. If you have a driveway or garage, declare it off road and save on roadtax too.

If he wants to indulge in his 'hobby' < dreads to think what it is > he can get himself a job.

The rest of the country is subject to austerity measures - time to apply them to your household and, with luck, he'll find another sucker get on his bike and pedal off into the sunset.

Jeez, honey, you don't need M printed on your forehead while he's taking you for such a mug. Methinks 'tis time for a radical change on your part.

jennyperru · 31/05/2015 19:01

Definitely stop financing the car. No more money for petrol and tell him once the tax, insurance and mot run out they won't be renewed. Use the money you save to see a solicitor for advice on how to get rid of him - he's just a drain on your life and you and your dc would be so much better off.

Could he go home to his family, seeing they all think he's so marvellous?