I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.
Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.
I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.
Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....
Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.
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DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester
wavesandsmiles · 01/05/2013 11:50
Delurking to say how awesome you are. You are doing so wonderfully, love - it won't always be this hard.
I can't believe how much you've accomplished - children, house, lodgers, getting rid of Twunt and toxic mum - despite your illness. You're a super star!
So glad you're reaching out in real life and hope you find lots of help and friendship from non-toxic people. We're all bowled over by you and we're all rooting for you. Little acrobat will have cyber-aunties all over the world. 
Waves, can I just echo what pointything said. My DD is 6 weeks old tomorrow (blimey that's gone fast) and it hasn't been as bad this time round buoy will have your lovely DCs to help out and acrobat will fit in around your lives, which for you will include not feeling or being sick and eating tons of food 
Thinking of you x
Fabulous email, no prevarication or emotion so she can say she didn't understand just cold hard facts! Hope it puts her in her place.
DCs will play up it's what kids do especially ones escaping from the tyranny of twunt, it's normal.
Well done with the GTT bloody horrible thing at best of times.
You can do this acrobat will just fit in around you and the DC he has no choice. You're right to plan ahead now, especially
Work out who is going to have DC when you're in hospital, make sure they know what the plan , are often the unknown can make them act out as they are scared but can't articulate what of. Involving them in planning might help.
Get your RL support in place so everyone knows what's going to happen ?and remember YOU ARE AMAZING!!
Hi waves I hadn't seen this thread til this morning but am keeping up with your journey on the AN thread. Can I echo everyone here, you're amazingly strong and will manage just fine when the acrobat arrives. We're all here and it sounds like you're building some true RL support too. Take care of yourself 
Thank you all. It is hard to believe that I am being strong when it feels like I am clinging on my by fingernails, and simply surviving each day.
I need to now start making lists. A list of general regular chores around the house, so that I can encourage the DCs to help out with things on a regular, more certain basis, and also so in the case of me being too unwell or distracted with acrobat's arrival, I can have some help. A list of contingency plans for when I go into labour, and a list of help I think I may need in the first few weeks with acrobat. Last thing I really want is to be playing hostess with a newborn, but realistically I am going to need help.
It feels so sad though, that I am having to make all these plans.... it really isn't how it is meant to be is it. Even though it may be (is) for the best, it still takes me by surprise sometimes, when I get completely overwhelmed by the feelings of loss, and sorrow, and, I suppose, surprise. As well as anger. That is certainly starting to emerge. Selfishness, utter, utter selfishness of a man to see me marry him, trust him, give up all my security in selling my house, plan for and make a baby, then turn into a total TWUNT when I needed his support the most.
He has left me to sort out my DCs (who he professed to love so much he was going to adopt them) alone, sort out lodgers in order to pay the mortgage, cope with daily hospital visits and this hideous, incapacitating vomiting and nausea, buying/sourcing everything for acrobat, sort out childcare for my return to work, and the list goes on and on and on.
His most helpful idea (from weeks ago) is that I can "just downsize". He has completely ignored the fact that moving is VERY expensive (but then I paid for all the buying and selling costs last year) and that I won't be able to afford anything other than a tiny flat with no parking in the wrong school catchment area if I did. And the last thing I want to do is end up in a place that is not suitable for me and the DCs. But then, he has no concept of the reality of this all, given that I funded everything with this place, and because he is the NRP to his boys, he can move around where he wants without any concern about disrupting their education. Selfish twunt.
Head is spinning again, too many thoughts, I think I am going to be sick 
Hurry up July!
By the way - I told the family support workers at the children's centre I work at your (anonymous) story & they & the NCT breast feeding counsellors are collecting goodies for me to send you. A big parcel will be coming your way. They all wish they could support you in RL so your local equivalents will be happy to.
there are more kind, considerate people around than you know waves.
midwife what a fantastic thing to do.
waves YOU and the DC will be fine, because you will make it fine. While this isnt what you envisaged, it is the harsh reality. Twunt will never ever stand on his own two feet while he has women running around doing everything for him.
Get angry, but dont let this bring you down. Hormones will be playing havoc at the moment and once Acrobat is born you will get on with things, because you have to. Dont expect twunt to be anything other than his selfish self.
I wish we were closer too. You are having a horrible day and twunt is being his real self. 
Looking back is not good for your health, mentally or physically. As the saying goes - there is no future in the past.
He is a prize prick - for everything he has said and done in the past and his newest revelation. You really must not hanker after a life with him - there is no reason to, he has told you he doesnt love you. You need to dig deep, find some self esteem and respect yourself enough not to contact him again. He is relishing in twisting the knife, surely you dont want to have someone in your and the kiddies lives who is so fucking callous?
Please contact some RL people, your volunteer, your friends, neighbours and get them to help you.
I can understand how you feel - it must be really tough honey 
One thing I wanted to say is that I doubt he ever really did "love you so much". He just played a part like an actor. If he had of course he wouldn't have treated you like this. It's not that he fell out of love with you because he never did. I'm sorry. He conned you.
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Hi Waves, sorry you're feeling so terrible
Excellent email to your toxic mother, I'll never forget her running your foot over in temper! She'd be doing you a favour if she decides to sulk for 30 years!
Shame you texted twunt again and his answer Twunt finally texted back saying he doesn't love me, feels absolutely fine with himself because he won't let guilt rule him anymore, and it's not his fault I am ill. shows who he really is, how he really feels and why we call him a twunt.
PLEASE try to remember his brutality and cruelty when you next think about how you'd like him there to hug you, take off the pressure etc. I don't know how you're going to do it, but you have to move on now and take life from the present day instead of keeping that one little foot in the past. The past, where delusion ruled. The past, which was not as rosy as your imagination lets you think it was. The past, which was full of promises.
Onward, Waves! You are in charge of your own life now and it will be whatever you make it. If he was with you, he'd be causing even more grief than he is now. Really. I think getting rid of your mother's toxic voice in your ear will help you to stop feeling so worthless that you think this twunt would actually improve things. Chuck your rose-tinted specs in the bin and look forward instead of back.
Have you printed out all your threads yet? And highlighted the positives and negatives in different colours? Think this would be a most useful exercise at this point.
I do hope you feel better soon
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