DH said, DH left, waves is still being sick but into the third timester

[wavesandsmiles]

I haven't been around here for a while, as I was worried that twunt was reading MN to find out what my thoughts/plans were. He may very well still be doing that, but he's gone now, and my new mission is to reach out for as much support as possible (trying to see it as a sign of strength to ask for help rather than a sign of failure), so here I am.

Back in January DH (hitherto referred to as twunt), told me I had to fix the marriage etc, then within days I found out he'd been texting OW to say our marriage was over, researching late abortions etc. This was when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I'm now 27 weeks pregnant, and still have hyperemesis, necessitating almost daily visits to hospital for IV meds and fluids. Twunt left just over a month ago, and I now have lodgers in, which is helping with the mortgage.

I'm trying to be strong for my DCs, but at times it all gets rather overwhelming....especially as it is not really that long to go until my little acrobat makes an appearance. Before then I am on a twunt detox, and am trying to have no contact with him whatsoever. My DCs are being very good (most of the time), despite having to cope with their step dad (who planned to adopt them) just disappearing, and me being so ill all the time. But it is obviously challenging for them.

Terrified of the summer when acrobat arrives and the inevitably of facing up to a form of contact with the utter shite who left me in this predicament - our baby was wanted, and planned for. Lots of other practicalities to consider too, and considering investing in a diary so that I can put things onto paper rather than leave things spinning around in my head....

Anyway, I'm back, and hoping that there will be some virtual hands to hold as I continue to battle the hyperemesis, hormones and general challenges of the final trimester, and the impact of the not so "D" H's departure.

So sorry you're having such a crap day. Would your lovely neighbour just be able to take the kids for an hour to play with hers? I'm liking the fb idea too - just put out that you're continually being sick and would really appreciate some help with the kids, just a couple of hours here and there - I'm sure lots of your friends would leap in to help. They may not know what to SAY, but give them an opportunity to DO something useful for you.

I'm with others. I feel that you have stalled in your move forward as you have paused to spend a few days looking back. Time now honey to shut that chapter, and move on. Looking back won't help now. It's actually hindering you, pulling you down. Get through today, and then look forward. Small steps, one day at a time. But keep looking forward. And I know that what is ahead is what is terrifying you, but capture that thought that you had before of this summer, Acrobat born, NO MORE SICKNESS, soaking in the sunshine, eating your gorgeous ice-creams. That will be your reality in just a few weeks time.

Sorry, waffling on now and you just want to go and rest. Well done Midwife - lovely idea

Lost you for a while, best wishes waves, you are 10 times the person your ex will ever be. In love with himself, more like. So many supporters on here, all willing you on.

themidwife that is a lovely thing to do.

It's a new day, and hoping today will be a better one. Off to hospital earlyish I hope for a change, then a quieter day with the DCs back at school.

My doula emailed me last night, suggesting that, as a way of moving forwards, I write a letter to my future self. My biggest fear is that my birth experience and early weeks with acrobat are hampered by the feelings of disappointment and anger. But as she says, I am grieving right now, for the loss of my relationship, and for the loss of my health to some extent. And anger is a natural part of the grieving process. I don't really know where to start with the letter, or what to say in it though.

I am disappointed. That is the overwhelming feeling. Disappointed in myself for trusting twunt, and for giving him so much of myself, for giving up the security of my life "before" and setting myself on the path that I am now on. Disappointed in him, for being so utterly selfish, and emotionally immature (incompetent?). His sister texted me yesterday saying "he just wants to be on his own, but she is sure he will support me when the baby arrives, he is an awesome dad" Anyway, I emailed him later to say that given his feelings, I want absolutely no contact going forwards, other than for him to confirm if he will agree a written maintenance arrangement without making me go to court for it.

There will not be any happy endings as far as he is concerned. Much as a crave for the happy ending I thought he promised, it won't be with him. It is doubly sad, because I never had a happy family life - TM is largely accountable for that, and having cut her out, it is a stark reminder of how alone I actually am in all of this.

He will not be "supporting me when the baby arrives", he will be staying away from the safe nest that I am going to try to build up over the next few weeks, and as for seeing the baby, well, that is something else to consider. But it won't be here, he won't be taking my acrobat away until breastfeeding is truly established and in some sort of routine, so we will be meeting at a neutral place, maybe a local cafe, and the times of that will be arranged to suit me and acrobat, so he will have to accept that those times may need to change. Whilst you may think I am planning a bit too far ahead, I need to know what will be happening, rather than be railroaded into positions I am uncomfortable with in the days and weeks following acrobat's birth, when I am most vulnerable.

I do worry that it will be hard on DS and DD if twunt decides to play the great dad role. With their dad being entirely absent, anytime that twunt takes acrobat off, not only will they be being separated from their baby brother, they will be reminded that they don't have a dad.....

So many worries, and feelings, and emotions. All coloured by the fact that I am being so, SO sick.

Waves you may not have had a happy family life in the past, but your little family (children) that surround you now are your present and your future. It is up to you and to them to make your current and future family life happy. You can and do do that. Your great kids are testament to it. Embrace what you have and enjoy your family now. You don't need a fake like Twunt to make that complete - it already is.

Sounds like you have found a perceptive and astute woman as your doula, waves.

You have every right looking back to feel disappointed and let down. Not saying that Twunt won't exceed expectations and somehow step up and provide your baby with some kind of paternal input, but it's going to be sporadic at best.

Bluntly your two older children have got along so far without a reliable dad figure. By the time Twunt may offer your DC3 the sort of relationship they've missed out on, they'll be old enough to have the measure of him and realise (if they haven't already) that when he did have the chance to play 'the dad role' to them, he threw it away in his haste to play the reluctant husband.

One thing to bear in mind: when acrobat arrives, you will no longer be being sick!

You have shown you have incredible resource, and there is no reason why that resource won't be as apparent as always once acrobat arrives. You will have one debilitating symptom completely vanish, you won't have one foot nailed to the floor.

Your mother is, indeed, a toxic bitch. She ran over your foot with the car ffs (when you were arriving at hospital for treatment FFS!!) - imo you don't need to explain why she can no longer be in your lives.

It is no wonder you married a toxic shit when you have been schooled in toxicity from the off

However, one thing stood out to in your drafted email reply to vile, vile vile twunt:

I need you to revert back to the person I was when I married you

Do you see the 'I' where there should be a 'you'? It may have been an inadvertent slip, but it says a lot, no? He is not you, and you are not him. YOur mother is not you, and you are not her. You aren't one person. You can step away from these people, you don't have to secure their agreement.

I hope that isn't too complicated with all you are coping with. Please bear in mind that you have extraordinary personal resource (as I said above) and try not to project forward, worrying about how you'll cope. You may be half dead at the moment but you are making your way through each day, and doing an extraordinary job in horrible circumstances.

You were not wrong to give yourself to him - you were normal and human. It is he (and her) who is not normal is, in fact, a toxic shit/bitch.

Sending you strength and love and support (in spades) xxxx

Waves - despite your current disappointment, which is entirely understandable, look at the positives you have achieved while being vilely sick every day - an achievement for me would have been getting out of bed in your position.
? You have taken the bull by the horns and ejected him from your family home
? you have organised your home into 3 separate living areas, and advertised for, interviewed for and acquired 2 lodgers.
? you have managed to keep going with looking after your 2 DC
? You have kicked your toxic mother into touch
? you have managed to even go into work, despite everything
? you are growing a healthy little boy who is going to bring you such snuffly joy when he is out and you don't feel sick any more

You are a Titan! Please turn your face away from the darkness of your past, look toward the brightness of your future with your little family of you and the 3 DC - it's Going To Be Fab. xx

Totally agree ^^ you can look ahead to better times regardless of Twunt + Witch muttering on the sidelines.

I agree with others up thread. Look forward, you have done some amazing things whilst being very ill! Dont put yourself down.

Morning everyone....I feel totally crap today! Took the DCs to their swimming lesson first thing, and spent the whole time in the loos being sick. Swimming pools smell dreadful. BUT I am very proud as DD got her 50m badge and DS got his 100m badge. Acid reflux is now causing me utter agony, and I have decided I hate being pregnant. I hate, hate, hate it.

My consultant is getting me to try just the oral meds for a week, although going up to the ward on Monday and Friday to have my urine tested, and have IV fluids if the dehydration has kicked in again.

Today my plan (having done the list of household chores) is to start writing my diary in the beautiful journal that arrived (thank you to whichever lovely viper sent that from the wishlist) and write a letter to my future self as my doula suggested.

DS has popped round the neighbour's to play with nerf guns, and DD has just finished tidying her room. So a quiet time ahead for me. Hopefully we won't need to leave the house again as I don't think I can face much more than lying on the sofa. But that is ok, just getting through today in one piece will count as surviving, won't it.

yes it will - getting through the day minus all the chores is good too. You are doing so well, you dont give yourself enough credit. Enjoy writing in your journal.

I survived today, although ended up doing loads more than intended due to an electrical problem which required me to empty my biggest bookcase and move it, and then ,when the problem turned out to have nothing at all to do with the socket behind it, have to move it and reload it. So, I didn't get to do anything much else at all.

Loud house this afternoon too - both lodgers have people staying, and they took over the kitchen to have a meal together. Is it ok to say that I don't really "enjoy" having to share the house all the time, and race the children through bath time to ensure it is free for lodger 2, and always do the dishes immediately so they aren't cluttering the kitchen? It's an added pressure, but necessary.

Off to bed soon, feeling tired and a bit sad. But I am off to a friend's tomorrow afternoon so the DCs can play, and we can natter. I told her what twunt said about things, and she text me back saying she thinks I am amazing to be managing so well and that "DH = idiot + twat"

Which makes him a twidiot I guess.

It must be hard - I couldn't cope with sharing my house like that. I'm so sorry that twidiot put you in the position where you have to in the first place !!

I like 'twidiot', I think it could catch on.

And waves, PLEASE stop putting yourself down if you possibly can, the whole world (well, MN), is telling you that you are superwoman. Believe it.

You must be exhausted waves.
Hope you get some rest, and have a good day with your friend tomorrow.

-- Twidiot, I like that...

Im sticking with twunt - because he isnt an idiot, he is a calculated fucker who knows exactly what he is doing!

waves rest as much as you can, and have a lovely time with your friend today.

I would struggle to share my house, but understand that it has to be done for now.

hope you have a good day today at your friend's waves and that it lifts your mood a bit.

you are doing amazingly to cope with people in your house. I'm not that ill now and my family came round to help yesterday and even that I struggled with at times as I just wanted peace and quiet and to sit and not move! I hope the lodger's visitors go soon.

God he is a twidiot and a twunt!

I'm glad I found this thread as I followed your last one and posted on it a bit as well. It's awful he's still managing to cause you pain and suffering, and I hate him for that even though I don't know you, I do know that it's an awful situation for you and it's Not Your Fault and you Don't Deserve To Be In It.

Hope you having a day with a few nice moments in it xxx

Please try to keep focused on :

• you won't feel sick forever!

although I bet it's hard to remember that. It's SO hard to keep going and struggle through awful times when you are ill. You've done an amazing job even just getting to here, but remember you are going to feel better soon, and it will become just that bit easier cos you're body will be behaving itself again - be helping you not falling apart.

• you won't be alone forever, but it's better to be alone than with cruel people who attack you emotionally all the time.

I can hear the strength of your loneliness coming through, and it's really horrible for you. But you've done the right thing, two really awful influences on you are now distanced. You are protecting yourself against them which is really really good. Well done! You won't remain alone forever though, you'll find friends and lovely people gradually come into your life, and in a few years your life will not feel like this anymore. Try to think of this as the dark before dawn...

I really feel for you, and totally understand about how it feels when the person closest to you abandons you when you are suck and need him most (I became disabled and h the wanker left me with a tiny baby, huge debt and v v ill).

I'll never forget the horror and misery of that, and the unreality of it all - its so so wrong that it feels like it almost cannot be true. And then you have to cope with everything, whilst feeling at your absolute worst. And people say youre being strong and id be thinking 'no im not, i have NO Choice but to keep existing!'. I hated being called strong for a while there, but now, I do feel quite proud of being strong through that, and understand that just surviving, that's strong and something to be proud of in itself.

And now I'd rather know what he is like than still be carrying on deluded and not able to rebuild my life cos I was still living a lie. I hope some day you'll be able to say the same about yours too.

Hope you and DCs are having a nice time with your pal and her family, waves. I know it's economic necessity that put you in the role of landlady, but quite reassuring sometimes to have other adult company around, hope they are pleasant types who clear up after themselves.

Glad you came through your traumatic time and can send waves a positive message, DoubleLife.

Waves, it IS hard to share the house and kitchen - but your lodgers aren't going to have a meltdown if you don't do all your washing up immediately.
Do you have a dishwasher? If not, may I recommend you get one as soon as you are able to? It does make a huge difference in terms of washing up/kitchen "stress".

I have lived both as a lodger and a landlady to lodgers and washing up can become a bone of contention from both sides! It may be an idea to have a rota, depending on how much each person is contributing to the washing up creation (but the dishwasher is still the most important thing) - or you may all have to do the washing up immediately so that you all feel the same pain - or you can relax a little, if you have enough in the way of cooking pans and crockery etc. and not feel pressured to do everything immediately.

In the end it's YOUR house, even if it is also their living space - if you need to leave the washing up until the next day or whatever sometimes, then so be it. They might even do it for you. :)

Re. the bathroom/bathtimes - what is the scenario here? I seem to remember that one of the lodgers has an ensuite, is that correct? Because when the baby comes you may need more ad hoc access to the bathroom yourself, in which case some other arrangement may become necessary for lodger 2 - is this possible?

In the end, you may have to discuss options with the lodgers - they both seemed like nice people when you took them in, so I expect they will be reasonable - just be open about your needs as much as theirs and see if you can come to a reasonable compromise.

I also prefer to stick to Twunt, btw. He might also be an idiot, but he's still a twunt first and foremost.

I always worry that when waves goes 'offline' she has had contact from twunt/toxic bitch. And then gets back into the cycle of what ifs.

waves I second a dishwasher, it makes life so much easier.

I think your lodgers will be amenable to some flexibility, its about living together and making it work, everyone has their foibles and you have to work round each other. Do you have an en suite? And for the record, your DC wont stink if they arent bathed EVERY evening. I used to bath both mine every single day, until someone told me that my kids werent dirty urchins working down the coal mine.

Jax even dirty urchins working down the coal mine only used to get baths once a week . I agree though - every couple of days is plenty.

I also worry about T/TB continually knocking Waves off her path of detox. Too much to hope that they will respect her wish to stay out of her life.

Waves - here's hoping you had a good day yesterday with your friend and the DC's had a fun time playing.

Ok, maybe I should relax on bath frequencies a bit....

I'm here, been struck down with hideous cold that DS and DD have passed onto me. No contact with T and only contact with TB was to ask her (by text) to return the DCs swim bags and spare uniforms. She hasn't replied yet.

I'm still wobbly and what-ify, but trying ever so hard to remember that I am not the one in the wrong here, and that although things feel so wrong, that things will end up ok. The loneliness is pretty crushing. I have taken to going to bed at the same time as the DCs just to avoid the being alone feeling in the evenings.

My next big challenge is to arrange emergency childcare for the DCs in case I have to be admitted to hospital for any reason, or when I have the baby. Having had a quick look at the delivery rooms this morning whilst I was up there, I am really a lot more keen on the idea of a homebirth. Especially as the midwife showing me around said that it was likely I'd need continuous monitoring because of my baby measuring so small. That really is the last thing I want.

Oh, and the children and I had a lovely couple of hours playing with my friend and her children yesterday.

Plodding on, every day is a little closer to acrobat's arrival, when I will feel so much better physically of course.

about the lonelines, waves. At least you are getting planty of sleep! And you can always come on here in the evenings.

You are doing so well. I hope you get emergency care sorted, maybe a friend can step in?

waves hope you are doing ok today. I find having the tv on in the evening helps stop the house feeling too empty, but depends if you can tolerate noise. I know what you mean though, I struggle all day with ds and find myself counting down tiill bed time, then when he is asleep I just want to wake him up so I have company!

glad you had a nice time with your friend

if you do have to give birth in hospital, what I did last time was take in a few 'props' to look at to relax me so I wasn't only looking at hospital walls and equipment. one thing I remember I took was the super gorgeous pramsuit I had bought for ds it was all white and fluffy and I looked at it and thought about the baby that would be wearing it.

you are doing brilliantly and one day you will look back at this time and feel so proud of how you coped.