How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.


I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

[toddlerama]

My dad and my DH I can say with utter conviction would never have used prostitutes. However, I'm sure some would say that I can't know that. I'm so so sorry about your experience, but some men are naturally protective of women and don't want to 'take' in that way.

[Hassled]

None of the men in my life have. I don't know anyone who has.

I don't think this will help you though - you badly need more counselling. I wish I knew who you should be referred to. But this has really fucked up your view of men - I understand why, completely, but they're absolutely not all bastards.

[Kayano]

My ex, DH and father would never use a
Prostitute. Well ex might now a days but he never did when we were together

My friends DH cheated on her a lot of times and it has since come to light he saw a prostitute on a lads holiday

[RandomMess]

All the men I know well enough to "know" whether they have or not, haven't used prostitutes and those I've discussed it with have said they would absolutely not pay for it - sort of if there's no connection there (ie attraction/chemistry) then they're not interested.

I'm glad you've been able to walk away from that lifestyle, sounds absolutely horrific

[aliasforthis2]

I am really trying my absolute hardest to convince myself that my own perception is skewed (which I know it is). I don't mind if someone posts "yes my DH did in past" or "yes my ex did". Most men won't tell but I'm sure a lot of people have discussed it with their OHs and can be pretty sure that the men in their lives are against it.

I want to live a happy life and not be all bitter and angry, and maybe forge a trusting relationship but I'm struggling here )-:

It was specialist sex work counselling I went for but the project only funds 12 weeks max as it's usually the same type of crisis counselling reserved for rape victims. You cannot get more, and I can't afford privately.

[LeBOF]

Nobody has that I've known, bar one, and he's in prison now for assaulting them/attempted murder. And i've "known" a fair few.

[purplepidjinawoollytangle]

I asked my DP your question. He knows many men, as one of his (and my) hobbies is cars and he regularly works at car shows which are pretty male dominated.

He can think of one person, a friend of his brother's. And that was a one-off thing in Amsterdam on a stag weekend.

Get yourself back to the doctor and demand better service. It has taken me three attempts at therapy (PTSD) before they have given me more than the basic. Also, try your local library for self-help books to boost your self-esteem.

I'm spectacularly ignorant about these things, but could you contact Women's Aid or Rape Crisis for counselling and support? You have been sexually and physically abused for a prolonged period. They may not be able to help you themselves but hopefully will be able to refer you on to support?

[aliasforthis2]

I meant to say "Most men won't tell but I'm sure a lot of people have discussed it with their OHs and can be pretty sure that the men in their lives are against it. OR have had an ex do it or a friend's partner.

[kunahero]

Alias, First well done for turning you life around, you should be proud for getting out of such a harmful 'industry' Its a shame that your previous experience has coloured your views on 'all men'.
I am a man and in a brillian long relaionship. I have been single and in a shitty relationship where dw wasnt faithful at all throughout our marraige but i alwyas forgave her.... til the last time. ANy way back to the point in all this time and since I was sexually active I have never once, thought about using, used or wanted to use the services of a prostitute/escort.
As far as I know none of my male pals have ever used them either. While I can only speak for a very small section of the male community it is not something we sould do.
So yes there are plenty of good men out there who would not and will not use prostitutes/escorts.
I hope that you can get through this and find yourself in a happy loving honest relationship soon.
Good Luck.

[Onemorning]

Hello OP

I'm 40, and I've only known one man in my acquaintance who visited prostitutes, and it wasn't something he admitted openly. As I understand it, he used to go on 'binges' every few months and have sex with several prostitutes in a night.

An ex of mine said that in Vegas he phoned for a call girl to come to his room but bottled at the last moment. I can believe it, because he was a massive consumer of porn and had odd attitudes towards women (note the ex).

I've never known any other men - including my DH and exH - who have or I think would go to prostitutes. I think because they like women as people, not just as convenient 'things' to have sex with. If I found out my husband was going to prostitutes I would leave him, because I think it's an appalling way to treat another human being.

I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences, I can't imagine how horrible it must have been. Good luck with your recovery x

[ColdTruth]

Well it's not like most men who do use prostitutes are going to blaring out that fact specially not to women.

[aliasforthis2]

Wow LeBOF You mean in prison for assaulting prostitutes?

I did report some guys via third-party reporting to the police for things like trying to strange me and leaving bruises or doing anal against my will. The workers who take the reports were great but I never heard anything more of it. I shudder to think that a few in particular are probably still out there.

[LeBOF]

Yup. Proper psycho. And I dumped him for being too drippy.

[UterusUterusGhali]

My DH has never used a prostitute. I believe him 100% He could never treat a woman that way. He says the thought turns his stomach.

I have a feeling one ex did, and I couldn't comment on my Dad. (He used to be in the forces.)

Do you think you would tell any new partner what you did? Personally, while I think if I were desperate I would consider sex work, I would hate to have a partner who had made use of one.

Twelve weeks is pathetic.

[pink4ever]

Yes I have known a couple of men who have used prostititues.

[Waltraut]

I'm as close to 100% sure as I can be that dp hasn't. I've never heard any male friends boasting about it but I'm a woman so they wouldn't have. DP has never in his life had a conversation with other men about prostitutes.

The closest I can think of is a friend of a friend went to London for a night in a hotel with her boyfriend, and the doorman got them a prostitute for a threesome.

[madonnawhore]

I am as certain as I can be that neither my dad or my brother ever have or ever would use prostitutes. They are both a pair of total softies and I think the thought would horrify them.

When I was 21 I went out with an older guy (33) who told me he had used a prostitute while working abroad once. As I'm about to type this I can imagine all your eyebrows shooting upwards like, 'yeah, right!' but he was a genuinely nice person. He had incredibly low self esteem. Serious issues with a crap dad and being adopted at quite an old age, etc. Honestly. He was stupid to do what he did. But he was lovely.

He was single when he was working abroad with a colleague in a city that has a well known red light district. They went out for dinner and got trashed on booze and his colleague suggested they get a couple of prostitutes to come to their hotel rooms.

Buoyed by drink and bravado, my ex agreed and then he and his colleague went back to their hotel rooms to wait for the girls they'd booked.

Then my ex said as he was waiting he started to sober up and realise what a bad idea it was. The girl arrived and he said she was very lovely and professional. They started to have sex but he said he couldn't keep it up and it just felt all wrong. So he paid her for the full amount of time but didn't finish the deed and told her to go.

He said afterwards he felt like a total twat and has never done anything like that since.

(We broke up for reasons totally unrelated to this story).

Don't know if that helps or not OP?

Also, have you ever heard of this project: from Johns
from working girls

You might find some useful insights in these?

[garlicslutty]

Both my ex-husbands did. The first one lied about it. The second said he couldn't really say why - as in, he claimed he didn't know; not that his reason was too awful to state. One of my brothers is a regular user when overseas. I don't know whether he visits domestic services as well - perhaps not, as overseas they are they type who play girlfriend.

I worked in an 'expense-account' industry where the majority of men used prostitutes and related services like lapdancers.

It's very, very normal for sex workers to feel as you do about men. You've seen pretty much nothing but the using side of men, in detail, for years.

For quite a long time, I also normalised this aspect of male behaviour though I never worked as a hooker. Because I was un-shocked by it and, more or less, considered it normal for men, I ended up with partners who matched my expectations. I have since realised that I developed this attitude because I was brought up by a man who despised women. Even if your upbringing wasn't like that, your time on the game has done the same job on your psyche - it seems 'obvious' that men see women as things to be used, have no respect for them, and women may as well play along with it because there's no real choice.

The good news, alias, is that not all men ARE like that! There are loads of men who see women as people, respect women like they respect themselves, and are revolted by the idea of using other people as sex toys.

It's very important to learn proper respect for yourself, ime, and for other women, before worrying about where the nice men are. If you still see yourself as a sex toy (or have the belief system that feeds this view) then those values will always find you out.

You could probably do worse than read Caitlin Moran's "How to be a Woman". If it resonates for you, check out some other mainstream feminist books as well. And please get yourself on an assertiveness course. Good luck!

[Waltraut]

Oh I've just remembered my stepfather did, abroad, lots. He was a sailor.

[cleanteeth]

My DP has never and would never use a prostitute. Neither would my Dad or BIL. Honestly, not all men are like that. A lot of men are kind and respectful and need some sort of chemistry and attraction to be built up before anything happens. I know there are a lot of men that do see women as pieces of meat but its a small majority.

Well done on getting away from prostitution, it cant have been easy. That was a really strong thing you did and you should remember that. I dont know what advice to give though, sorry :(

[Ayoop]

I know for certain my DH never has or would. It isn't his style at all. He came home early from a colleague's stag night in Amsterdam because they trawled the Red Night District on the first day and he found it very, very sad.

I don't think any of the guys I have dated previously have, but I can't be 100% sure. There is one ex who I think has probably had dodgy little scenarios with strippers (seedy one night stands, possibly drugs involved etc), as he worked in that industry. I don't know if he would ever have paid for sex, though.

I wouldn't put it past a lot of men, to be honest. I am a suspicious cow . But look, you need to get perspective and I think therapy and probably staying single for a while is the way to go for you.

Good luck. I hope you can recover from the horrible experiences you have had. I can't imagine having sex with creepy, smelly old strangers, and I am not surprised it has affected the way you see men

[afishcalledmummy]

My DH's former friends used to see prostitutes quite often and would often swing by brothels in whichever European city they were having a stag do in (and the groom was expected to partake of services). They were quite unashamed in their use of prostitutes but also of their treatment of women in general - taking them to hotels rather than home, calling cabs for them that would pick them up after sex and other delightful behaviours. We don't see them anymore as they are a misogynistic group of bastards. The lack of respect they showed all women was frankly disturbing.

DH has told me that he went along with it on one of the stag weekends and spent the time giving the girl a massage. I might sound incredibly naive but I do believe him on that - his friends behaved so badly that it was considered abnormal for him to decline and he is and always will be a peacekeeper. He said he was quite saddened by the whole experience. I hope that would be encouraging to someone who has worked in the industry - that it upsets some people who see the reality of it.

Twelve weeks of counselling really isn't a lot, so please don't feel that there's something wrong with you still struggling. Time is a great healer and it is early days for you. There are some nice men out there - plenty of women have been in a cycle of abusive relationships and have found men who respect them after a number of abusive partners - that shows that people who have been damaged by people who have mistreated them can heal.

[ElderberrySyrup]

The majority of the men in my life haven't and wouldn't.
My dad once came back from an exhibition held at the NEC all shocked by the fact that there had been women going around the stalls giving the men their business cards.
My 2 brothers and dh wouldn't, and I can say that with absolute conviction.
Out of about 10 boyfriends pre-dh, probably 7 definitely wouldn't, 2 I could imagine might but probably didn't, one did before he met me.
He was 21 and wanted to lose his virginity and lost it with a prostitute on a trip to Amsterdam. He was very naive (American, quite religious upbringing). When he told me about it it turned out he had absolutely no idea about trafficking and after he'd got into his head the fact that it was possible she didn't actually want to be doing the job, he was really ashamed and worried; he had genuinely believed that she had enjoyed it. As I say, very naive, I think he just bought into the happy hooker myth.

I'm really sorry you've had these experiences. Most men are not like that, I promise you; you've done a job that has brought you into contact with the worst of them.
Wishing you all the best for your continuing recovery from all the horrible traumatic stuff you have been through. xxxx

[fortyplus]

Hi aliasforthis2
I've got quite a few male friends. Most take the view that they wouldn't want to have sex with someone who'd do it with anyone for money. (Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt)

I do know a couple of blokes who've admitted using prostitutes. One said he did it on a business trip to Amsterdam - more or less for a dare. He was with some American colleagues and he said he can't remember the sex but he can clearly remember the look on their faces when he came back out... so he more or less did it to be funny
The other guy said he'd go to prostitutes sometimes but would chat to them and try to be nice. Apparently he used some for a while who ended up letting him have sex without a condom because they trusted him enough that he was only going to them. At least that's what he told me, but that was years ago and frankly he was rather a strange man.
I hope you can move on from this

[pinkteddy]

aliasforthis2 have you contacted your local sexual health clinic? Lots of them have psychology/counselling services attached. Some clinics even have projects/services attached that work with sex workers to help them exit prostitution. You may find you can get some more NHS counselling via that route. I hope you can get the help you need.