How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

I am 100% certain that my husband has never had any sexual contact with a prostitute,and that he would never ever consider it.I feel as certain as I can be that my Dad and brother also fall into that bracket.Out of my general circle the only one I know who has is a gay man who used a male prostitute abroad.

I should add, he is the only one I know. My dad, my husband, has never ever visited one. I think most men would never dream of it!

Kerry, you've bought all the old myths there.
Very few clients are so hideous they couldn't get a girlfriend! They're just blokes like the ones you meet every day.
Very few use services because they "can't get it at home." They're getting at home as well.
People become prostitutes for all sorts of reasons.

Absolutely sure that dh has not, nor my dad, and would be very surprised if my brothers had either. It's that sense of entitlement you talked about, I really think it is a minority- and a pretty nasty minority- of men that have that.

Women like the OP don't "do this to themselves" kerry, what a strange thing to say.

alias, I'm so sorry that you've been through such terrible experiences and hope you can find the support you need to help you. Do you know about the Scarlet Centre? It's London based but I wonder if they'd be able to put you in touch with similar support services where you are (if you're not in London)? Or try your nearest rape crisis centre? You've probably done that already - sorry if I'm suggesting the obvious.

Yeah, I got the original counselling from the local GUM clinic / rape crisis people.

I finally realized I'd had enough when I could only force myself to go to work when the food had ran out in the cupboards, I became obsessed with budgeting and money saving knowing what I'd have to do to get the next money and I did not spend a lot as I was acutely aware that any misfortune in my looks (for example an unsightly eye infection) would mean I couldn't work and theres no sick pay obviously. The budgeting and saving I've learned was one skill I am actually thankful for. I'd registered for tax as self-employed escort when I started (yes you can actually do that) and I ended up owing them hundreds when the last year I couldn't face going into work. I realised I'd be better off in a minimum wage job if I couldn't face doing that kind of work with all the fees to the agency and their premises rent I'd end up owing out if I did not work. I started getting panic attacks and bad dreams and the final straw came when I started getting urges to drink before I went in (and I've never been a big drinker at all in general I'm almost teetotal).

I did seek help from the sex work project and they helped me to exit and i feel much happier. However I'm struggling with the sort of after-effects.

kerry, stop boasting about your man. The look of the "perpetrator" has nothing to do with it. Not only ugly man do this you know.

My exb who did was one heck of a good looking lush young man. He needed extra large rubber especially imported by our local GU clinic. I kid you not.

My DP has used one. I asked him early on. I didn't care.

I thought about doing the same myself when I was single.

I'd say a lot of blokes have/would, but just wouldn't admit it.

I don't think it has anything to do with 'he could get it for free'

i mean look at hugh grant, at the height of his youth fame and attractiveness paid for a sex act

Oh, weirdly my fella is gorgeous, clean and young. Go figure!

yeah, but Hugh Grant is/was butt ugly

I think the op is well aware what kind of bed she has made....

Yeah I'm pretty sure I do have PTSD. The counsellor did mention it vaguely as did the ladies at the project place. I did like the counsellor - it was person-centered counselling as far as I know but I know from other working girls I know that they can only provide the standard 12 weeks to everyone because new assault and rape cases come through all the time and there's only one lady there 1 short day a week. They said many women in prostitution don't feel the damage until after they leave and then it hits them, like PTSD.

Yeh, Hugh Grant is a fucking horror show, let's be honest!

Your post at 22:39 is disgusting, Kerry.

OP has PTSD. Soldiers returning from Afghanistan have that. They signed up to the forces knowing what might happen, do they deserve such little sympathy as well? They made their own bed, as you might say.

Kerry, that is possibly the vilest post I have read in all my years on Mumsnet.

I know three men who have paid for sex (none of them are DH, one of them is an ex, the others mates who both did it in Amsterdam as it's the 'done thing', one of them was taken there by their father to lose his virginity). Most of my friends/people I know are men, so three is not a large number!

I know one woman who uses escorts quite often (she's mid 50's & cba with relationships).

I know one person who is a sex worker; one is a young gay male who still works occasionally (when money is tight).

Good luck in your recovery OP. x

I'm sorry to hear how badly you're suffering, but you are not to blame for this. It's a shame that the project seemed so under funded, as I don't think 12 weeks is sufficient, going on what you've said. Is there chance of a further referral if you're still suffering?

What are you doing on this thread, Kerry? Did you join it just to have a pop?

There's AIBU for that.

You are so out of order kerrymumbles.

Reading some research about this might help balance your opinions here, and reduce your anger:

www.prostitutionresearch.com/ProsViolPosttrauStress.html