How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

it's not surprising that you have PTSD after years of being regularly assaulted, raped and subjected to cruel and derogatory treatment (as MaryW said: torture). No-one deserves or asks for that.

Kerry, op is struggling. This is in Relationships. Not Aibu. Please show some sense (though I doubt it is possible.) Go write a story or something.

It's the other women's husbands who abused and hurt the OP just because they had a bit of spare cash in their pockets and she needed to eat that are the problem, KerryMumbles.

your 22:39:25 post, Kerry.

but the other one is not much better.

You clearly don't know much about PTSD.

And you think the fact someone chooses this job makes it ok for her to be raped. There are no words for how disgusted I am by your attitude.

I had an ex that had been with prostitutes but wasn't really into it...I also had a couple of friends who did whenever they could afford to. They didn't have a problem with it, but another friend I had went to a massage parlour once and didn't like it at all....
As others have said, I hope you manage to get the counseling you need and move forward.

I dont think the point is that it is OK because she got paid for it.

I think most of the posters here are not condoning the profession the op left, but trying to help her come to terms with it. She hersefl struggles with it and feels bad. Why make it worse? It is not like she is prancing about proud!

kerrymumbles-step away from the thread now. nasty. I think you are still stinging that you did not get the reaction you wanted from your stealth boasting thread earlier. Please stop telling everyone how young and gorgeous your man is

Plus saying "you accomodate all his needs" sexually makes you sound a bit like a prostitute no?

Please stop using the word whore on this thread.

Kerry, I thought you were leaving. You have basically blamed the OP for sexual assault, which is not appropriate in the slightest. If you cannot offer genuine support to the OP, please refrain from posting, as I do not feel it's helpful for her to read such comments.

The men who use prostituted women are far more to blame for any damage to their relationships or marriages than women who feel they need the money so badly to do this. To look at it otherwise is completely the wrong way round.

"i honestly don't know how any woman could do this to herself..."

erm financial hardship, with no family or friends to help out and in a new area.
It does not matter, but I did not go into it thinking I would have to deal with this. I had no idea of what was to come. and when I found out I told myself that I could "toughen up" and use them as much as they used me etc, which resonates with what someone else has said - that when the man she knew realised that he was being 'used' in the financial sense by the regular prostitute he had and the whole transaction is skewed, he felt sadness. The using works both ways but if you think about it, a man who has been conditioned to believe that paying for sex is a good idea cannot afford to visit prostitutes all the time so he won't feel "used up" as fast as the prostitute who has to deal with it day in day out multiple times. And the type of man who reflects and feels about this is not the 'nasty' type who will abuse the prostitutes, steal the money back, bruise her etc - those types never reflect.

kerry-I am not going to engage with you as you clearly have issues of your own-perhaps related to your much younger man and your own insecurities? Whatever. Your attitude on this thread is not helpful.

I was not suggesting you are a prostitute btw but the way you worded your post made it sound like you ]are prepared to do things sexually for your toy boy to hang on to him?-no maybe it was just the way I read it.

I've reported your post kerry. Please take it elsewhere, ok? you obviously have no understanding of the complexities involved.

Compassion is underrated.

OP I'm so sorry this thread is being trampled on. Please know that most of us hear you.

Please alias, don't engage. You do not need to justify yourself.

Glossing over your frankly vile and word-for-word Daily Mail post above, to answer your question why would he pay for something he can get for free?

I dunno, why dont you ask Hugh Grant? At the time he was caught he could have shagged almost any woman in the western world. Who did he get a BJ from? A street walker.

Only he knows why he did it, but the fact the remains that without paying customers, prostitutes wouldnt exist. So perhaps you should reserve your bile for the men that buy they services and not aim it at the desperate and often coerced women who offer them. I am sure that of the prostitues in this country alone, the vast majority arent doing it out of choice.

excuse typos, too many to mention

I reserve my anger for the cheating scumbag men, kerry, who see women as nothing more than objects to put their cocks in.

Not for the women who are subjecting themselves to shame, humiliation and the very real threat of injury or death just to pay the bills.

But you carry on judging up there from your ivory tower, please.

I am as certain as I can be that my DH, my dad and my brother have never done this. They all see women as people and my DH has said on several occasions that he is completely turned off by the idea of a woman pretending to enjoy sex with him. For him, the desire has to be mutual.

The reason DH and I have discussed this so many times is because a friend of his does sleep with prostitutes, here and abroad. DH says each to their own but he really doesn't understand the appeal.

OP, please try not to engage with, or read, kerrymumbles posts. You do not need to justify yourself. You do not need to read abusive messages. You do not need to answer her.

Yes, Kerry, I have just seen your other posts. Please get off my thread. I did not start this for sympathy - I don't need sympathy and I am one of the very lucky ones who had the strength and wherewithal to get out of prostitution. I started it for perspective.

By the way, you saying I am disgusting for continuing when I realized what it was really like is like saying to a victim of domestic violence "you are disgusting for not leaving him. You deserve no sympathy because you chose to stay with him instead of calling women's aid and getting out (which is usually always possible in the same way that leaving prostitution is usually always possible) ..."