Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

687 replies

aliasforthis2 · 01/10/2011 21:27

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 00:09

Thanks for the site, I will take a look x

OP posts:
Ellefabulosa · 02/10/2011 00:11

My husband is a really wonderful man and father. I know for certain he has never and would never have sex with a prostitute. I couldn't comment on other men but I can tell you I trust my husband even more than I would trust myself - he is really the best kind of humanbeing and I count my blessings to have him - so not all men are scum of the earth op.

RedRubyBlue · 02/10/2011 00:12

alias

You did something I could not do and I have spoken to my lovely DP out it a few minutes ago. He knows one or two guys but that is it.

I read the book 'Call Me Elizabeth' and didn't believe much of it. I worked in healthcare and treated working girls at the real top end of the market and they were totally stunning (charged £3000 for a weekend in 1991) and they told me tales of what was expected for the money.

There is not enough money in the world to go through that sort of treatment.

Hope you are okay now and well done for a brave post.

M0naLisa · 02/10/2011 00:18

My ex either slept with one or had oral from one as i got clamydia(SP) from him.

Diffnamediffname · 02/10/2011 00:26

Test

Diffnamediffname · 02/10/2011 00:28

I'd have been in the absolutely 100% sure my husband, and no man I knew, ever would.
Until I found out that he had, many times.
Now I feel like I have no idea. Sad

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2011 00:37

No, DH hasn't and wouldn't and can't/doesn't watch porn anymore since I made asked him to watch Hardcore with me.

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2011 00:37

I'm so sorry OP. I wish you the best of luck.

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 00:45

Sad for you diffnameddiffname. x I hope you are OK now?

£3000 a weekend in 1991!! blimey!! Honestly, I never made all that much money in prostitution. 50% went to the agency, some to tax etc and a lot of the bookings were half hours only, as is the way things are going nowadays. I'd have to have seen at least 4+ customers a day to make decent money. But it was sooo mentally exhausting worrying for my safety all the time. I usually just signed out of work for the night when I'd made enough to cover living expenses and debts and that's it. I did make good money the first 6 months or so until I started dreading it.

OP posts:
Diffnamediffname · 02/10/2011 01:00

Test

Diffnamediffname · 02/10/2011 01:00

Yes, alias, I really am, I wasn't, but I am. Bless you, my pain is nothing, I imagine, to yours Smile
the choices he made were nothing to do with me, as I don't share kerry's view that it was because 'he wasn't getting it at home' or whatever.
And he totally chose to believe the whole happy hooker thing, still shit, but I don't think at least that he deliberately wanted tobe an abusive bastard. I think he was prob one of the blokes who thought that he was nice and considerate, and he has been shocked, I think, at what he's discovered since.
But just by using, because that's what it is, prostitutes, he was being an abusive bastard, and he never chose to look under the surface, because he didn't want to know.
Be strong and loving to yourself, all the best to you

Mumcentreplus · 02/10/2011 01:03

Ok..so i asked my DH...he says he hasn't..but he knows many men who have...the kind of work he was involved with does give a skewed average to the amount of men who have visited prostitutes..he worked mainly in clubs/clubland counting all the men he knows he would say about 50% have visited a prostitute, but guys who are not involved in the world he worked he would say 1 3rd of men ...and usually because of a particular occasion ie special birthday,stag night...

garlicslutty · 02/10/2011 01:15

Ugh ... special birthday, stag night, graduation: bit of self-indulgence; buy a woman. What an attitude.

MeMySonAndI · 02/10/2011 01:24

No man I have ever met have used a prostitute, or better said, none has told me about it. I have no idea or way to know.

Mumcentreplus · 02/10/2011 01:29

Yep garlic...just like that special bottle of champagne

AKissIsNotAContract · 02/10/2011 01:59

My mum has a friend who divorced her husband when he was caught kerb crawling. He was offered a course as an alternative to prosecution which is designed to educate men about the realities of prostitution.

I don't know of anyone else who has used prostitutes.

I hope you get over your experience Op. I think you are very brave for talking about it and I'm pleased that people here are being supportive towards you.

theoldtrout01876 · 02/10/2011 02:09

Exh did 1 of the many reasons hes an ex TBH

moonferret · 02/10/2011 02:16

I'm a (single) man with a very inadequate sex life. But I have never and will never use prostitutes/escorts/whatever you want to call them, for the following reasons.

  1. I can't imagine sex being enjoyable with the knowledge that your "partner" is only there as you are paying them.
  2. I would have to be absolutely certain that the woman was doing it totally of her own free will and not because she was being forced or had no other options. It would be almost impossible to get that assurance.
  3. I don't like sex with condoms, and would quite frankly rather not bother. There is no way I'd have sex with a prostitute without one, or expect her to with me.
  4. It would reduce my respect for women even more than it already is.
  5. It isn't responsible to "encourage" a trade in which people "earn" £300+ an hour for selling their bodies, when hard working people (of both sexes) work for £6 an hour.
  6. There are risks of being scammed (without recourse!) or attacked by people connected with the prostitute.
  7. It can also cause you to lose your reputation even when behaving legally.
  8. There are STI risks, even with condoms.
  9. I live in a non urban area where there are hardly any in any case!
  10. I have something called self-respect.

There are other reasons, but I thought I'd limit it to 10!

I don't know anyone who admits to using prostitutes either, other than on holidays to Amsterdam where they think it is OK as it's "accepted" that you can pick them out of a shop window!

CheerfulYank · 02/10/2011 02:37

What's up with number 4, moonferret ?

moonferret · 02/10/2011 02:42

I like to keep respect for all people as far as I can. A complete lack of respect for half of the adult population isn't an ideal state of affairs.

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 03:08
  1. It isn't responsible to "encourage" a trade in which people "earn" £300+ an hour for selling their bodies, when hard working people (of both sexes) work for £6 an hour.

I don't think that any money is too much for selling what I sold. £300+ an hour is not enough, £3000 an hour is not enough. And for what it's worth, £300 an hour is very very rare. It's £100 - £120 or less for the customer but only £50-£60 for the worker after agency fees / brothel cut / rent etc. And believe me, you "earn" every penny.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 02/10/2011 03:08

I meant "even more than it already is." What do you mean?

butterflybee · 02/10/2011 03:26

I heard someone from the Poppy Project (which works with trafficked women) say that research shows 1 in 10 men are johns, and most of these have wives or girlfriends. That is a lot, and they said the difference tends to be around entitlement and negative attitude towards women.

OP - that does also mean that 9 out of 10 don't.

garlicslutty · 02/10/2011 03:45

they said the difference tends to be around entitlement and negative attitude towards women - exactly the same as with abusive partners.

Once you've learned to 'hear' it, it's astounding how comfortable such men are with expressing their unpleasant attitude to women. (Helpful, too, it tells you which ones to keep at arm's length!)

I would have guessed at more than 1/10 although your figures might only relate to the domestic market. A lot of brits go abroad for hookers.

Supporting your last line, butterfly - a lot don't!!

moonferret · 02/10/2011 03:57

CheerfulYank If you can't understand what I meant, I can't be bothered explaining it!

And aliasforthis2 if any amount of money isn't enough, why didn't you either a) refuse to do it or b) do it for £10 an hour on the basis that you could never earn enough for "selling what you sold", so why try?

And even if you are right about the "real" figure being "£50-£60" an hour, my point still stands.

Swipe left for the next trending thread