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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

DH doesn't want children, what to do?

96 replies

Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 19:10

My Dh droped a bomb shell on monday night, he infromed me that de doesn't want to have children. We have been together for 9 years, and married for 3.5 years, we had decided to start trying for a baby this summer. So I amd shocked ot say the least.

i have asked for the reasons that he doesn't want children, some of them are, he doesn't see any benifits having childrem, finds childresn annoying, financial reasons, etc

I now have to decided what to do, stay or leave. I'm desparate to start a family and don't really have time on my side, but I love my husband so much. I have asked him to talk to male friends that have had children to see how they felt before having children

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Gay40 · 25/08/2011 19:29

So, after 9 years of saying he wanted to have children with you, he has suddenly changed his mind?

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OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 25/08/2011 19:35

Presumably you discussed this before marrying and he indicated he wanted children? Has he just changed his mind?

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RitaMorgan · 25/08/2011 19:38

I would leave and not waste any more fertile years with him.

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MooncupGoddess · 25/08/2011 19:38

How much had you discussed this before? Assuming your previous decision to start trying in the summer (ie now) was a joint one, this is a seriously twattish thing of him to say.

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crazyhead · 25/08/2011 19:44

Are you sure he is certain about what he's saying?

If so, and that was me, I would want to know right now about when he made this decision. If he has been lying to you over those 9 years, he isn't the man you thought he was in my opinion. It is a cruel and breathtakingly selfish thing to do.

If it was a 'wobble' I'd perhaps give him a month or so to talk to friends as you say, and clarify that he is convinced about his feelings.

If he was crystal clear, I'd then feel justified in prioritising myself as much as I wanted - I'd perhaps perhaps ask him to make arrangements to move out for three months in order to be away from him and have time to think.

I think you should do whatever you need to in order to make the right decision for yourself - and if he's an ounce of decency in his body he'll help you.

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Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 19:52

We had discussed this when went we first got together, and a lot throughout the last 9 years, I knew that i have always wanted a family. i wouldn't of married him if I knew that he didn't want children

He has said that he has been thinking about it recently and realises that he doesn't want children.

I feel very torn on what to do.

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MooncupGoddess · 25/08/2011 19:55

Does he appreciate he has thrown your world into turmoil? and that he might lose you?

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Cleverything · 25/08/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

discrete · 25/08/2011 19:59

You have to ask yourself if you really love him if you feel that way.

If he turned out to be infertile and unable to adopt, would you leave him?

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Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 20:00

I knows that I'm thinking about what to do, Cleverything I think you might be right, a season with relate can't do any harm

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TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 25/08/2011 20:03

Thing is, he is not being unreasonable to have decided that he doesn't want children. Even if he used to think he did. It is a massive thing, bringing a person into the world and it's not something you should do lightly, or to please someone else. Also, people are allowed to change their mind. He's clearly given it a lot of thought.

However, you are not being unreasonable to want children. At all.

You have to choose.

Do you want him, or children, more?

If you stay with him, you must do so without any resentment, or it will never work.

If having children is non-negotiable for you and you would never have married him if you had known this was not in your future, then you know what you have to do.

I think you need to talk. A lot.

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Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 20:05

discrete, I see what your saying, I wouldn't leave him if he was infertile or unable to adopt. i just don't want to spend the next few years in a relationship and end up hating him, and then it will be too late. I also can't see myself being with anyone else at this point.

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TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 25/08/2011 20:06

Discrete - I can see where you are coming from, but it's a little bit different I think. Both wanting children but being unable to have them is one thing. But one person wanting them and the other not is totally different.

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Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 20:14

Thank you TheMagnificentBathykolpian, I agree with what you are saying,we have spent every night this week talking about it. I'm just hoping that this is him just having serious cold feet, but deep down i think this is how he actually feel and will not change his mind.

In regards to "Do you want him, or children, more?" I had a MC coming up to 2 years a go (unplanned pregnncy) and have found it hard to deal with and has made me want children even more than I did proir to the MC

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YummyHoney · 25/08/2011 20:17

Open a bottle of champagne and celebrate.

You can have a lovely, indulgent life; go out whenever you want, wherever you want and if you don't feel well you can put yourself to bed, for as long as you want.

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discrete · 25/08/2011 20:19

But is it really? What if one of you can't and both have different views as to how far you would go in the pursuit of pg - you both agree to be off contraception, but whereas one party would be up for all sorts of treatment the other wasn't. Where would that fall?

In the end, you have to ask yourself whether you would rather have a relationship with him and no children, or children and no relationship with him.

IMO if your decision would be the latter, then maybe he's not the right person to have children with in any case.

Having children is a MASSIVE deal, and both parties have to be totally wanting to do it - otherwise you are setting yourself up for years of resentment every time you are having a bad time because of the dc.

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TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 25/08/2011 20:25

It's an awful situation to be in, Thornton. Does he know the strength of your feeling on this - ie that you are seriously considering whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who does not ever want children? Because I think he needs to fully understand that.

I think, discrete, well, just my opinion, it's the - what's the word? finality? of it (is that even a word?) I NEVER want children. It's not happening. It's so different from we want children, let's see what happens, or there's a problem - what are we going to do about it. It's a full stop. It's a straight no. I don't know where you'd go from that.

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NLatlarge · 25/08/2011 20:25

I would leave him. I think the chances of you deciding 'oh it's fine I don't want kids' are very small and continuing a marriage with that sort of resentment at the heart of it is a non-starter. There is a huge difference between wanting kids and not being able to have them and facing that as a couple (though it also breaks many,many couples) and being in the situation where you are where one party refuses to try.

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lachesis · 25/08/2011 20:28

I left a marriage because my ex decided he never wanted any children. We separated, but went to counselling, mediation, etc. but ultimately, after 2 years, he was unchanged (and in his mid-30s), so we divorced.

I suggest you get to counselling. If he won't go, go on your own.

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discrete · 25/08/2011 20:31

I don't know, I guess I've been on the other side. I said I didn't want dc, and dh said that although he did, he loved me and would rather have me and no dc than have dc. He had fertility issues, and if we wanted them we would have needed treatment, so we had to take the decision fairly early in the relationship.

As it happens, ten years later I started to think maybe I would consider adopting after all and (bizarrely) got pg soon after. Knowing that dh wanted me as a partner and not just a parent for his dc was what made it possible for me to face the (very overwhelming for me) prospect of having a baby.

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hairylights · 25/08/2011 20:32

If having chikdren is a must for you, leave him. Don't waste your most fertile years hoping he'll change his mind (like I did). I left at forty one after 15 years. I am blessed to be pregnant at 43, but I understand I am very very lucky to still be fertile. I have had problems with pregnancies - I won't go into the details. But in retrospect I should have left a long time ago over precicely this issue.

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lachesis · 25/08/2011 20:34

'If he turned out to be infertile and unable to adopt, would you leave him?'

That's not the same thing at all. That's having tried, and moving on from the trying's not being successful. This is not trying for children at all.

I left behind everything I ever knew just for the idea of one day having children. But I knew already, if it didn't work out - I turned out to be infertile, say, or re-married and we were found to be inftertile after trying, that I could make peace with that.

I couldn't make peace with never trying at all.

But this all came out during lots of counselling. It made it easier, too, for us to divorce amicably.

10 years on, he has been sterilised, childfree by choice, and is married to a woman who was also sterilised, before she met him, and childfree by choice.

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ColdSancerre · 25/08/2011 20:35

How was he about your previous pregnancy and how did he react to your mc (sorry about that btw, poor you)?

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LynetteScavo · 25/08/2011 20:40

So the choices are,A) stay with him and have no children.

B) Leave him and have a child on your own. (With a donor)

C) Leave him and have a child with someone else (there is a risk this may not happen)

D) Tell him quite clearly you want a baby, and continue to have sex with him. I bet you anything he doesn't not want children enough to wear a condom. He can then choose to stay or go. (Leaving you would be not much different to having a baby with a donor, except you would know who the father is exactly).

I may have missed some choices...but if I'm honest I would do D. I'm not saying it is the right thing to do, or what you should do, but it's what I would do.

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ShoutyHamster · 25/08/2011 21:18

I do not think it is really possible to genuinely get past this, if you do want children. It is so fundamental a desire that I think the potential sense of great loss into the future - the affecting of everything you do, every aspect of your life - even if you are able to 'make your peace' with it now, I think the risk of future resentment and regret that you did not leave is so great that I would probably advise you to cut your losses. I think few marriages can survive that kind of sacrifice.

Don't hang around, either. Not just because time is not on your side - be decisive so that you get a quicker straight answer from him. It's probably an agonising situation for him too - it isn't wrong for him not to want children, and he will not want to lose you - so don't be distracted by two, three years more of half-hearted counselling/talking/nothing changing, because that might well happen in an attempt to keep you there whilst nature takes its course and time passes.

If you consider it 'too late' to meet someone else and get to the having children stage in good time, then there is donor sperm. I know that sounds a bit drastic perhaps but it's so, so much better than rushing into a relationship out of desperation for a baby. If you split with him, give good thought to going it alone. Tell him you're considering that, too - it'll give him a sense of just how serious you are. No room for 'Ooh, she'll never leave...she'll never meet someone else now...'

Good luck.