Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH doesn't want children, what to do?

96 replies

Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 19:10

My Dh droped a bomb shell on monday night, he infromed me that de doesn't want to have children. We have been together for 9 years, and married for 3.5 years, we had decided to start trying for a baby this summer. So I amd shocked ot say the least.

i have asked for the reasons that he doesn't want children, some of them are, he doesn't see any benifits having childrem, finds childresn annoying, financial reasons, etc

I now have to decided what to do, stay or leave. I'm desparate to start a family and don't really have time on my side, but I love my husband so much. I have asked him to talk to male friends that have had children to see how they felt before having children

OP posts:

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/08/2011 11:05

She can't "get pregnant against his wishes", if he fucks her without a condom and she gets pregnant, that's on him.

Anyway, I advised her to leave him. Who would want a child with a selfish dick like him? I'd take my chance with donor sperm.

The one good thing about this thread is that this useless git won't be passing on his inadequate genes.

tadpoles · 27/08/2011 11:55

I would strongly consider that the (not particularly well veiled) message here is - I don't want to have children with you. By changing his mind on this issue and by being so dogmatic about it, he must realise that this might be enough to make you finish the relationship. He must have considered this possibility.
There are an awful lot of men out there who are quite ambivalent about children but, they meet the right woman and hey presto! they realise that having children comes with the package so that's what they do.

He is being very selfish I think. I wonder what would happen if you said that you feel mislead and you are going to have to reconsider the relationship?

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2011 12:28

It's tough when only one partner wants children but that doesn't mean that wanting children is 'right' and not wanting them is 'wrong'. It's perfectly all right to be childfree. More people should think it through before having children IMO - it;s like heteromonogamy, you get told all the time that everyone wants it and it's what proper grown ups do, so unless you are smart, lucky and exposed to a decent range of opinions, you can find yourself a married parent and hating every minute of it, which is not fair to anyone else.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/08/2011 12:53

Not wanting children, or even not being sure you want children, but allowing a woman who does definitely want children to think you want children with her is wrong.

She made her position clear, he's waited until the 11th hour to speak his mind.

That is shit.

And being a "mundane" is no excuse for waiting 9 years before having a little think about whether you actually want to do the things you're promising.

PercyPigPie · 27/08/2011 13:51

Any news OP? Have you managed to speak about this again?

michglas · 27/08/2011 13:54

Maybe he did want children in that he liked the idea of having children, but now he has changed his mind. That does not make him a selfish dick or know or whatever else you lot are calling him. If I was having to decide whether i wanted children now, even if i wanted them in the past, I would seriously question whether i would want to bring children into the world that we live in today.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 27/08/2011 14:34

It does make him a selfish dick.

He owed it to the woman he claimed to love to think this through years ago.

"I like the idea of children, but I'm not going to give it any serious thought" is an inadequate response when you are with a woman who has always, definitely wanted children.

RedHotPokers · 27/08/2011 18:16

I'm afraid I'm another voice saying I also know TWO women who were in this exact same position. They both ended up splitting up with their H's, and within 5 years both ExH's had children with other women.

Also one of my v close friends wanted a 2nd DC and was stalled and stalled by her H who apparently wasn't ready for another DC yet. Shortly after, he walked out on her and moved in with a woman who had five kids!!!

OP - sorry to be sounding negative, but I really think you need to get to the bottom of whether this is an actual issue HE has, or whether it has something to do with your relationship.

FellatioNelson · 28/08/2011 17:18

SGB sorry if this a slight hijack, but it is kind of relevant, about doing a complete u-turn for a new partner, but do you think you would EVER find yourself married/co-habiting and wanting to stay faithful? Do you think there is a tiny bit of you that just hasn't met 'the right one' yet? Or have you tried, with a perfectly lovely and suitable man, and failed dismally because it just isn't within you to give up that part of your life?

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 21:40

FN: No. Never. I do not want a couple-relationship. I do not want to be bothered with feeding a man's ego and washing his socks and all the rest of it. I like to keep my life mine.

Original poster

Thornton77 · 04/09/2011 12:49

Just to up date you all. after a lot of talking, crying and arguing, DH has moved out for 2 weeks this weekend, so tat he can think about want he really wants, to talk to other people about this situation, I think is is just worried not that is is meant to be happening. It as been a tough couple of weeks, and he knows that I come as a package, and if he doesn't want children that it is over. even though it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done, I just have to do it, I'll will only grow to hate him!

OP posts:

Maryz · 04/09/2011 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Thornton77 · 04/09/2011 13:12

thank you, Maryz

OP posts:

Gay40 · 04/09/2011 14:07

I was in a similar postion in a past life. ExP started off wanting children then changed her mind. I was then put in the position of choosing between her and children - the decision was on the horizon when we broke up over something else unrelated.
However, we both know I would have chosen children over her.

Original poster

Thornton77 · 18/09/2011 22:41

just to update you all. I seperated from my husband on friday night. I now have to get my live together, I feel like my life has fallen apart. Not sure what to do now. all my friends are married and starting to have kids, that should me me!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2011 22:44

You've done the right thing, Thornton. You wouldn't have been happy otherwise.

Best of luck with the rest of your life. Believe me, it won't be long until you feel happy again.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 18/09/2011 22:57

So sorry Thornton :( There is no room for compromise on the baby issue. You've done the right thing, painful as it is. I wish you luck x

Seabright · 18/09/2011 22:58

Think about yourself, OP. What you want and how you want it. Are you stable enough financially to have a child alone? Do you want to get dating again?

I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but if your time is limited, start thinking. Good luck

Original poster

Thornton77 · 19/09/2011 21:46

think i might start a blog! single again at 34, the trials of dating! work friends are wanting to put me on mysinglefriend.com!

OP posts:

cazzybabs · 19/09/2011 21:52

good luck OP - I wish you well!

BetweenAClockAndAHardPlace · 31/08/2018 08:43

Thornton77, this is me right now! 33, married 10 years and my husband is now questioning whether or not he wants kids! I've given him until the end of the year to decide.

How did you make it through?

Flip

1 2 3 4