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Original poster

DH doesn't want children, what to do?

96 replies

Thornton77 · 25/08/2011 19:10

My Dh droped a bomb shell on monday night, he infromed me that de doesn't want to have children. We have been together for 9 years, and married for 3.5 years, we had decided to start trying for a baby this summer. So I amd shocked ot say the least.

i have asked for the reasons that he doesn't want children, some of them are, he doesn't see any benifits having childrem, finds childresn annoying, financial reasons, etc

I now have to decided what to do, stay or leave. I'm desparate to start a family and don't really have time on my side, but I love my husband so much. I have asked him to talk to male friends that have had children to see how they felt before having children

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 25/08/2011 21:21

I think that long term, if you do want children and you stay with him and don't have them you will end up hating him.

smelli · 25/08/2011 21:51

I know 2 women this happened to. It is incredibly shitty . What is even more shitty is in both cases the men now have children with other people. One of the women does and one of the women doesn't.

He must know that after 9 years, this admission is likely to end your relationship. But he has said it anyway. I guess you've got to ask yourself why?

LemonDifficult · 25/08/2011 21:56

Lynette's D) isn't a bad way to go. Be clear that if he chooses to have sex with you then he's opting in to the baby making process and you consider him on board.

Maryz · 25/08/2011 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 25/08/2011 21:59

That's also a possibility - I don't want children really means I don't want children with you.

All the more reason for a lot of really honest talking.

OurPlanetNeptune · 25/08/2011 22:21

ShoutyHamster said what I would like to so much more eloquently than I could. Unless you can really reconcile yourself with never, ever having children, you will grow to hate him.

DuelingFanjo · 25/08/2011 22:25

in my experience it is better to leave while you still have the chance to have children with someone else.

NonnoMum · 25/08/2011 22:33

How old are you, OP?

lachesis · 25/08/2011 22:38

I think ShoutyHam put it well, too. I didn't hang around, and I was younger than you are now.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 00:33

Because everyone grows up being told they will marry&breed, it can be quite hard for people to work out that, actually, they don't want to become parents, so it isn't necessarily a case of him having led the OP on for nine years. And it definitely isn't wrong to wish to remain childfree rather than to go along with a partner's wish for parenthood and regret it horribly afterwards.
If he is a wonderful partner in every other respect then it is worth giving counselling a try - if nothing else, it may enable you to appreciate each other's position and therefore separate on friendly terms.

heleninahandcart · 26/08/2011 14:52

I would go with Lynette's option D. I'm not sure its 'right' either, but although he can change his mind, I also don't think its 'right' for him to remove the goalposts which were a fundamental part of your marriage. Its not that he can't, its that he has decided he doesn't want to.

solidgoldbrass · 26/08/2011 15:10

But he does have a right to refuse to have DC if he has decided he doesn't want to have DC. If he doesn't want to become a father, the OP trying to trick him into parenthood is profoundly unethical and it would serve her absolutely right if he dumped her should she become pregnant.
Also, Lynette's plan is profoundly insulting to men to suggest that they are all so utterly dick-driven that they will have sex with a woman who is desperate to be impregnated - the OP's H might simply refuse to have sex with her and/or go and get himself a vasectomy which he also has a right to do.
It's upsetting for her to face the choice between a relationship with this man and the possibility of becoming a parenthood, but it's a choice she has to make. She doesn't get to change the course of his life against his wishes, without his consent, just to get her own way.

sayithowitis · 26/08/2011 15:57

SGB is correct when she says he is within his rights to refuse to have children, or to go and have a vasectomy without OPs consent etc. However, I think this situation is a bit different from the 'my DH doesn't want any more babies'/'my DH has never wanted babies how can I change his mind?' type of posts we see on here so often. This time he has (seemingly) been happy to plan a family with the OP and has now, suddenly changed his mind.

Either he has been thinking about this for some time, and therefore, IMO, should have voiced his concerns to the OP before this, rather than just announcing it as a fait accompli, or, if he really has decided overnight that he no longer wants children, i would wonder why? Because his reasons do not ring true in that case.

I have never believed it right to give an ultimatum such as the one suggested by Lynette, as I truly believe that every child has a right to be wanted by both parents. But in this case, I am afraid I would be telling him that if he is so set against a family, then from now on, contraception is his responsibility and if he chooses to continue a sexual relationship , he needs to be aware of the possible consequences.

My own feeling is that there is more to this and if I were the OP, I would be digging around to see whether there is anything else at the root of it. I think it is particularly cruel to tell Op of his decision at a point when they were about to begin ttc, especially as he must be aware of how desperate she is for a family, having seen how she was affected by her MC.

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2011 16:25

sayithowitis
I am afraid I would be telling him that if he is so set against a family, then from now on, contraception is his responsibility and if he chooses to continue a sexual relationship , he needs to be aware of the possible consequences.

Right, a possibly unwanted child. That'll help.

I'm really sorry for the OP; I think as said upthread her choice is him, or kids.

BonnieLassie · 26/08/2011 16:25

What does the OP want more, children or her husband?

TheOriginalFAB · 26/08/2011 16:38

He isn't the only man you could be with in your life but he is your only chance of a child if you stay and that chance appears to be zero Sad.

minipie · 26/08/2011 16:49

"i have asked for the reasons that he doesn't want children, some of them are, he doesn't see any benifits having childrem, finds childresn annoying, financial reasons, etc"

But he has only just realised this? Hmm

If you had never discussed having children, I could see how maybe he could only just have realised this. But you have been discussing it off and on for years.

I would be not only furious (and very sad of course) but also rather suspicious. What has happened to make him suddenly realise all the (very obvious) downsides of having DC?

I think you need more explanation, OP.

LydiaWickham · 26/08/2011 16:50

I've been wondering, this over night not wanting children, might be more to do with wanting to end this relationship, for most woman, particularly ones in OPs situation, this would be the end of the relationship, it's a way out without having to say "I don't love you".

rainbowinthesky · 26/08/2011 16:53

Doesnt seem like you have much of a choice. Sad. I agree with others who say you need to leave whilst you still have a chance to have children.

minipie · 26/08/2011 16:55

Mmm that is what I'm wondering Lydia. Or at least, it is a suggestion that he doesn't want to be tied down to this relationship.

To test to tell whether this is the case - ask him if he would be willing to get a vasectomy. If not... well, that rather suggests his view is "don't want children with you" or "keeping my options open" rather than "don't want children at all"...

rainbowinthesky · 26/08/2011 16:56

I think Lydia is right and minipie's suggestion is a good idea.

Valetude · 26/08/2011 16:59

(You cannot, CANNOT try and inveigle him into impregnating you and then give him an ultimatum. That's no way to suggest treating anybody.)

I think whatever you had is over, isn't it? You want children, he said he did now doesn't. That's not great. That's a massive wall in between you. You could look at the reasons (deep fear based on childhood trauma, fear of watching birth? having an affair? just doesn't want them?) and I am sure you will. At the same time, make sure you don't hang on and make it too late for yourself.

YaMaYaMa · 26/08/2011 17:04

What Maryz and smellie have put has made me feel ill. I cannot imagine being robbed of the chance to have children only to then see the man who did it start a family of his own. I cannot explain the strength of feeling I have about it, it's taken me by surprise.

sittinginthesun · 26/08/2011 17:07

I know someone who was in this position. She left, met someone else, and now has a little boy.

If has to be a joint decision. He has to take you into account too. To me, it would seem that he doesn't care about YOU.

I would seriously think about leaving.

Quodlibet · 26/08/2011 17:08

OP, you say you'd decided to try for a baby this summer. One possibility is that he's always been happy with the theoretical future children, but as it comes up to the time of turning theoretical future children into actual real live children he's baulked.
As others said upthread, he's totally within his rights to decide he doesn't want children and that's far more responsible than not confronting that fact and having them anyway, but he also has a responsibility to you and your fertility. If he's only just worked this out then that's unfortunate but you both need to deal quickly and decisively with that information. We only get a limited number of fertile years which I think a lot of men fail to comprehend. Make sure he's not going to waste any more of yours if you know you want a family.

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