DH doesn't want children, what to do?

[Thornton77]

My Dh droped a bomb shell on monday night, he infromed me that de doesn't want to have children. We have been together for 9 years, and married for 3.5 years, we had decided to start trying for a baby this summer. So I amd shocked ot say the least.

i have asked for the reasons that he doesn't want children, some of them are, he doesn't see any benifits having childrem, finds childresn annoying, financial reasons, etc

I now have to decided what to do, stay or leave. I'm desparate to start a family and don't really have time on my side, but I love my husband so much. I have asked him to talk to male friends that have had children to see how they felt before having children

OMC, you will see that I said very clearly that I believe every child has a right to be a wanted child. And I am not suggesting in any way that the Op tricks her DH into having a child. However, he needs to understand that accidents (genuine accidents, not 'pretend' ones) can and do happen where pregnancy is concerned. Therefore, if he really does not want children at all, he need to be the person with responsibility for contraception as it seems to me that if a (genuine) accident did occur, he would blame the Op for it. If he absolutely wants no children, he should seriously consider having a vasectomy then there can be no ambiguity about the situation, either now or in the future.

'I cannot imagine being robbed of the chance to have children only to then see the man who did it start a family of his own.'

A person can only be robbed if they allow it but putting up with someone who says, 'Oh, next year.'

I agree he's within his rights to say he doesn't want children, but of course, that means the other party can leave.

I did because I felt the least I could give my child were two parents who really wanted him/her if at all possible.

It's not about who loves who more. It's about being fundamentally incompatible because there isn't really any way to compromise on this issue without someone becoming resentful.

I think you need to consider seperation with a view to divorce. Prehaps you should go to relate.

You cannot compromise on this issue and if he really does not want children then you will end up bitter.

Awful situation. You're both in the right, as it were. In your shoes I couldn't see any way out except to call it quits. Not fair to force someone into parenthood but wanting a child can eat you up inside.

Only you know your husband. How would he react if you just said 'darling the little blue line says we are having a baby'. If you think that this recent developmnt has come out of having cold feet, maybe having male friends who have had sleepless nights, can't go to football practice because of the kid, etc, etc, but the reality is that he would accept the fait acompli and go along with it then do D. It's what I did because I knew that if I discussed having kids with DH he would faff and fluff because he doesn't do change or make decisions very well. Two kids later . . .All is well.
However, I knew him like the back of my hand and knew he would love to have kids and really want them.
Part of me thinks go with Lynette's suggestion but then would he feel trapped and betrayed by you?
I think he needs to know the impact on his decision on you and your relationship. If the choice is no kids then no wife or kids and wife then he needs to decide which one he is going for. Having children isn't the be all and end all of life but the drive to have children is massive and he needs to understand that. If the drive for you to have children outweighs the positives in the relationship then you need to leave and start again or take a risk, get pregnant with him and have him possibly leave you and baby. If you do do the latter and he has specifically not agreed to a baby and has thought that you were using contraception then I'm not sure personally how moral it would be to then expect him to contribute to that baby's welfare if he then doesn't want to know.

You poor thing.

The problem is, it is easy to put into words the difficulties of having children (sleepless nights, costs etc) but it is hard to articulate the positives, which are so so much greater. I think you need to find out who he has been speaking to and what it is exactly that he is scared of. Do you have any friends with particularly cute and well behaved children that you could bump into?

I think it's most likely that he bumbled along sort of assuming that one day he'd have DC (because 'everyone does, don't they') while not being wild about the idea, and now the OP is getting very keen he's realised that he really doesn't want to be a father after all. This does not make him a bad person, though it does mean he has to accept that the OP might choose to end the relationship and find a man who does want children, without whining about it.

Spot on, solidgold. I'm still on good terms with my ex, but like the OPs husband, it was just one of those things. He was 34 when we divorced. But when we separated, 2 years before, it was because the relationship had broken down over this issue.

We dated others during this time, I mean, I moved out and got my own place.

It was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through, because neither of us is a bad person, it's just one of those things.

Again, he's now in his mod-40s, sterilised and childfree by choice.

I have three children. He and his wife, also childfree by choice, are fab. DH is fine with them, they often send gifts for the kids. They like kids, just didn't want any of their own.

I can add a slightly happier anecdote to this thread. When I met my now husband we were both around 27, into our careers and neither of us was interested in marriage or kids. After a few years, my views towards kids started to change. I had always said "never". I still found the idea quite frightening but something deep inside me was telling me to reproduce.

I told him I had changed my mind. He said he hadn't. After lots of tears, I ended the relationship. After a few weeks, he got in touch. He said he had given it a lot of thought and he did want kids but wasn't ready yet. I said that was fine. I didn't need to get pregnant tomorrow.

Fast forward a few more years and I have had to drag him into living together and kids don't seem imminent. I decide not to give him an ultimatum - I didn't want him to settle down with me because he had been blackmailed into it. I set a deadline in my head for him to make some show of commitment (either propose or say let's try for a baby). Two weeks before that deadline, he proposed.

We got hitched last year and started trying for a baby. The fly in the ointment is that it is taking a while. I am now 35, he is 36, so time is really ticking on.

So it is kind of a happy story although 4-5 years after he decided he did want kids one day, we still don't have a baby and my eggs are not exactly youthful at this point!

I hope it all works out for you OP, whatever you both decide.

My cousin chose divorce and a new start over her Dh when he didn't want children. She then married a much older divorced man who already had children, and had one ds with him. She divorced him when he said he didn't want more children. She remarried, and had 2 more children with the third DH and remains very happily married. So there is plenty of hope that you will find someone else, just watch out for men who already have a family, and follow your dream.

This is one of those times when you need to sit down and have a really honest conversation with yourself first. You need to look past the pain of splitting up, divorcing, moving on. You gotta let it fecking rip. I can tell you right now, if it's that you have to leave, it'll rip you up, especially if you have an otherwise good marriage. You need to decide, with counselling if you need it, what you need, and how, even if you don't get it, how to make peace with that.

Because you'll never be truly happy otherwise, and that's not doing anyone any favours otherwise.

You're 34-years-old, by my reckoning. You're a woman now. And you're at a crossroads. And there's no one, no one in the world besides you who can choose, and I can tell you, it's a lonely place.

But that there is light at the end of the tunnel, so long as you are true to yourself, however you have to get there.

He's not wrong and neither are you, and that's a painful place to be.

But it doesn't always have to be like that, if you act.

I know in my darkest hour, a book stumbled on me. It was Nuala O'Faolain's 'My Dream of You'. I kept thinking a line she wrote.

'Do the thing that's less passive. Do the active thing. There's more of the human in it.'

I think he is wrong. He has wasted years of the OP's fertility by pretending he wanted to have children.

No man who loved you would treat something so important to you with such careless disregard.

I would have no interest in maintaining a good relationship with a time-wasting bastard like this.

He suddenly realised he finds children annoying, the very summer they were meant to start TTC? Yeah right. He's a cock.

You need to find out 100% whether he is just having a wobby phase due to fears about money/freedom or whatever. If he is determined that's how he feels then you shoudl leave and the sooner the better. There is nothing at all to be gained out of trying to change his mind, or get PG by stealth and hope we will come around. That would be very dangerous and unfair on the child.

If you are quite sure that you cannot compromise on this then get out while you are still young enough to find someone else who does want a family. Don't be on here crying in a few years time because you waited and waited and now you are childless and too old, and he has left you anyway. Or because you got PG 'by accident' and your DH resents it. Just be strong and move on.

wobbly.

SheCutOffTheirTails: But the OP waited 8 years into the relationship before deciding to start TTC, as well. She could have pressed the issue harder sooner. And maybe he really didn't know how much he didn't want children until it came to the point - this is not uncommon.

DH was in your situation. He was in a relationship for several years and it was never a secret that he really wanted children. She told him that she would not have children out of wedlock so they got married. It turns out that what she actually meant was that she would never have children. They'd been married for a couple of years and had both had affairs when I met him. It was shambolic and painful. He describes them as living like brother and sister.

Shortly after we met he made the decision to leave her. He'd spent a decade of his life waiting for children and she'd been dishonest with him. It was a really difficult few years for him, walking away from his marriage, but the crucial thing is the knowledge of her deceit (and it was deceit - she owed it to him as her husband-to-be to be honest with herself about her feelings), as well as being denied the one thing he'd always dreamed of, completely undermined their relationship.

She remarried quickly - an older guy with no children - and now we have two beautiful DC. He's tired, poor, hard worked but happy :)

What you do with this situation all depends on your personality but he's pulled the rug from under the future you had planned together, hasn't he? He's been honest but let's face it, he should have done this thinking long before he married you. Even if he simply wasn't sure, he needed to make that clear to you before expecting you to commit yourself to him. "Winging it" isn't really OK.

Good luck, and I hope you find happiness soon :)

It's a sad fact that should OP stay with him but the relationship ends in a few years, she probably couldn't have kids with a new partner, but he could.

Also agree that the key, hard question is whether he doesn't, now, want kids at all or whether he just doesn't want them with you.

solid - so children only started to annoy him the very summer he finally had to come good on the promises of 9 years to have children with the OP?

Sure

Had he firmly promised her that, though? Or had they both just been bumbling along in the 'well we'll have DC at some point' sort of mindset that most mundanes people tend to have, without thinking it through.
There are women, as well, who expect that they will have DC at some point and imagine that some day they will actively want to have them - and then when a partner starts to insist that it's time to do so, there is this massive awful realisation that no, you don't want children, you don't want to become a parent, this is NOT the way you want your life to go.
ANd it is distressing for all concerned, but it's not intentional dishonesty.

SGB totally disagree, if you're going to marry someone you've an obligation to think through the possibilities for the future and be clear in your own mind about them - if all you can do is be clear that you are undecided then fair enough, but to allow your partner to make assumptions isn't right or fair. Both parties should have discussed this frankly - I can't imagine anyone getting married without discussing the issue of having DC.

As much as I want to blame this man, I do think you have a good point Solid. If he knew all along that he was vehemently against fatherhood, surely he would have been upfront about that, and not married the OP? I suspect he thought he might change as he got older, and now, in a mad panic, with the pressure to TTC from his iwfe, he has been forced to admit that he still isn't ready, and is unlikely to ever be.

I am another one who is wondering if he wants out of the relationship and thinks this is the easiest way to acheive it.

Well the OP says it was frequently discussed. And there was a pregnancy two years ago.

Doesn't sound like bumbling along to me. Sounds like she has always known she wanted children, and always been open and honest about it.

Bumbling along beside a woman like that, hoping it will never happen and making the right noises to keep her around is a shite way to treat someone.

If he wasn't 100% sure, he had an obligation to mention it.

He has served his own interests here at her (considerable) expense. That's not love.

But maybe she wasn't listening when he made his doubts known initially. People, particularly people who are keen to maintain a relationship, sometimes only hear what they want to hear, or even more ill-advisedly, believe that the other person will change his/her mind or can be made to change his/her mind.
It's a tough situation but putting all the blame on the man will not actually help the OP. Especially if she gets into the mindset that because he is to blame, it's actually OK for her to try and get PG against his wishes.

As we've only got one side of the story i think we have to take the OP at face value. Of course getting pregnant by him isn't the right thing to do.