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Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

(304 Posts)
bananafish81 Sun 11-Mar-18 13:12:22

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

2. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

3. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

4. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

5. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

BiggerBoatNeeded Sun 11-Mar-18 13:20:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TipsNotHacks Sun 11-Mar-18 13:53:34

Hear, hear.

Thanks banana.

fourpawswhite Sun 11-Mar-18 14:15:00

Thanks banana. Is it sad I quite enjoyed rereading the rules....

Hello everyone, old and new. Sorry you find yourself here Louise and agree entirely re having a name. Awful place to be but couldn't find nicer people anywhere else.

Following on from last thread.......OMFG. I have spent the last hour filling up kindle with books because I don't think I can look at active threads today. Oh my kids got me chocolate and I said no chocolate, oh I got a typed card and I want a hand written card, oh MFG.

I knew it would be bad but is it just me or is it fully worse this year. angry

In other news I posted before about the sweet girl from work who is pregnant who had a missed miscarriage last year. Her being pregnant terrifies me because well anyone being pregnant terrifies me. Anyway the door just went and it was a flower delivery from her. It's funny because she only knows a wee but about me and I am her senior but I just thought, wow, there are some kind people that exist out with this thread.

No other news here. Still waiting on Coventry appointment and still miserable. Have booked all my holidays this year and paid for them though. Just to mess with my mindwink

TipsNotHacks Sun 11-Mar-18 14:19:04

Fourpaws- I have been v surprised at the small number of people who have come through for me and 'got it'. Aside from my own family, they are the people who I'd have considered friends but not close ones. It has meant the world to me. I don't expect anything off anyone but my god, do I appreciate it when they do. What a beautiful gesture, she must be a lovely person.

DLouise2004 Sun 11-Mar-18 14:48:46

So today is also my birthday so have deleted my Facebook app so I can't see all the smuggos talking about Mother's Day and can try and enjoy my day!

Still trying to come to terms with my non bio childless future - feel like my brain is almost shutting it out - so may look at whether I need to be talking to a counsellor. This weekend we told my family that all cycle had failed and it was unlikely we were doing anymore. They have actually really supportive but I think my parents had quite a bit of sadness in their eyes. Man all this is not easy x

TammySwanson Sun 11-Mar-18 16:08:17

Well happy birthday DLouise. Sorry that you're here but glad you found us, and also sorry that your birthday is today of all days (but I guess it won't coincide again for a while, thankfully).

fourpaws> That was really thoughtful of your colleague.

DLouise2004 Sun 11-Mar-18 16:21:17

Thanks guys - I agree about people surprising you - some of my close friends have been absolutely terrible and others who I don't see as much have been amazing. I guess it's a convo that some people just can't relate to or want to talk about. My single friends/friends without children have been a lifeline as well x

hoping2018 Sun 11-Mar-18 16:36:12

Love this and joining - age 32 no children and been told 5-10% chance per cycle (just failed cycle 1) so figuring were in for a long road or a road ending in a dead end.

Fed up of fucking pregnant people!!! Particularly fed up today!!

Next step is waiting for my husbands sperm to return form denmark(!) to find out if he has high dna fragmentation - if so he gets needles in his testicles - at least it won't just be me going through the physical pain?!

PurpleDaisies Sun 11-Mar-18 17:35:30

Checking into the best club absolutely nobody actually wants to be in.

I’m pretending today doesn’t exist. It’s sort of working.

TammySwanson Sun 11-Mar-18 17:57:00

Ugh, spammer on the recurring miscarriage thread again. Please everyone report.

BiggerBoatNeeded Sun 11-Mar-18 18:14:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TammySwanson Sun 11-Mar-18 18:17:59

They've taken to posting vague, meaningless crap about improving fertility on this board, before moving to the surrogacy board and posting on there. I think they must bookmark threads because they keep going back to the same threads over and over and over. I guess maybe they think their amazing insight into fertility (hormone imbalance! organic food! don't drink or take drugs! some other obvious thing! lots of bollocks!) will propel people to message them or something? And then they can tell them all about the magic surrogacy clinic. I agree it's getting weird though.

bluemoonchances Sun 11-Mar-18 22:43:21


I'm an Uber barren! TTC almost 8 yrs, had 6 MC. Can't be arsed to go into all the details at the mo.

I dip in and out of mumsnet so I have been on a similar thread about a year ago and I remember your username bananafish so I'm sorry to find you still in this boat.

So, hi everyone! My latest thing that I've been doing to keep myself occupied is booking hotels in random locations and buggering off for nights away with DH just because we can! Can't do that with kids tying you down i keep telling myself!....

PericardiumOne Mon 12-Mar-18 11:01:24

<tiptoes in shyly>

Hello, may I join in? 5 years TTC, 1 MC, pretty much gave up hope. Have had beyond fantastic support in Mumsnet while TTC but I don't want to burden the still hopeful group with my intermittent sadness. Most days are fine, but I did find Mother's day taxing, particularly with the "proud mum to X, Y and Z" and the cake at my local fitness studio "for Mums".

DLouise2004 Mon 12-Mar-18 11:14:21

Did anyone else find the messaging around Mother's Day really annoying. Kept on seeing posts around 'happy Mother's Day to the should be, could be and would be mums' - made me feel quite angry! X

TammySwanson Mon 12-Mar-18 17:08:09

Welcome PericardiumOne and bluemoon. Sorry you find yourselves here.

I managed to avoid a lot of the mother's day messages/boasting etc by a) not being on social media in any major way, b) not having a social life offline either. The only real wince moment was when we were leaving the restaurant which we had taken my mother to and the waiter made a point of wishing us both a Happy Mother's Day. Note to people: if you don't know someone and they don't have children with them then maybe don't wish them a Happy Mother's (or Father's) Day.

bluemoonchances Tue 13-Mar-18 15:17:09

Just received a whatsapp pic of a scan photo with their happy news. I assume Fuck Off is not an appropriate response?!

DLouise2004 Tue 13-Mar-18 15:53:47

Ha! @bluemoonchances it really sucks doesn't it x

auditqueen Tue 13-Mar-18 18:33:44

I usually lurk on these threads as I'm not really in the same situation because I have known I'm infertile from a very early age (having gone through radiotherapy and chemotherapy at a young age). That didn't stop me having all the intrusive, horrific tests though just in case and because people kept telling me that about miracle babies. My then husband believed them all and pushed me into exploring IVF - when we were told at the initial consultation that our chances were practically zero. This was over 20 years ago, so may be now would be different, but unfortunately it was too late for my marriage and he went off and found someone who was young, slim and fertile.

I tend to hide behind the "I don't like babies"mantra to hide the fact that I envy the people who have them easily, the people who went through IVF etc and had their miracle baby and so on. Over the years I've told a few people about the situation and got the usual: just relax, get drunk, just adopt/foster, give IVF a go even though I basically have no viable eggs and even if it happened, my uterus isn't in great condition either or various reasons.

People treat me like a freak - mid 40's and no kids. I have a good career that I love and a fab partner (who has no desire for anymore kids) and despite what some people think I can't just to "pop one out" like they did at 43.

Thanks if you've read this. I'll go back to lurking now.

TipsNotHacks Tue 13-Mar-18 19:08:45

Auditqueen, feel free to continue posting, this thread and the ladies in it are truly fantastic. I felt such sadness reading your thread. It. Ever ceases to amaze me how everyone chucks out those cliche's. I think it's because they can't be bothered to even think about something so horrible as yearning for a baby but it really hurts doesn't it. I've been open with everyone - there is to be NO talk of "stay positive" and all the associated bollocks. If you aren't interested in supporting me by treating me like a human being (I really expect very little from people) then stay out of my life is the very hostile message I've conveyed.

TipsNotHacks Tue 13-Mar-18 19:09:45

And welcome to the new posters, sorry you find yourselves here. I know it's perverse, but it's such a comfort to hear from others in the same boat. I just feel more lonely as the months roll by.

TipsNotHacks Tue 13-Mar-18 19:21:40

And auditqueen, I hope your health is ok these days. What an ordeal at such a young age.

auditqueen Tue 13-Mar-18 20:03:58

Thank you Tips. I'm fine now and have had a long time to readjust my life and I'm ok with it being as it is. Getting to 40 also helped me, a psychological line was drawn under anything reproductive. The worst time was my 30's as that was the decade when all my friends and family were having baby after baby and I was getting more and more pushed out.

Some people are such absolute arseholes to us barren ones aren't they.

bluemoonchances Tue 13-Mar-18 23:00:27

Hello all! Auditqueen don't feel you need to lurk! It's a totally shit situation and you've been through and are going through. That's why these threads are great for us Uber barrens, a safe place to say what we really think! I spent the first 3 years of TTC doing the fake smile, 'I don't like kids' (to be fair I don't like most kids but it doesn't stop me wanting one!grin) and "I'm a career girl" bullshit, but after my third MC I just started telling people straight. I can't have kids . It soon shuts people up and makes them more considerate!

I'm fast approaching 40 and mentally I'm preparing for that to be my move on line too, so I'm glad to hear from you that it helped. X

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