Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.
   

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place
   

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice
   

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon
   

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.
   

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

[auditqueen]

Feeling particularly bitter and twisted at the moment.

[bluemoonchances]

Ok, I'm going to sound like a cow (again! Sorry, this place is my only place to safely vent! I'm not a cow most of the time I promise!!)
Threads about people wondering if they're pregnant. "AF is due tomorrow my boobs are sore, am I pregnant?" "AF 2 days late, feel sick and am tired, could I be pregnant?" Etc. JUST TAKE A F*ING TEST AND YOU'LL KNOW!!!
Glad I got that off my chest!

Happy Easter fellow Uber Barrens!

[Beanzy1985]

Oh wow, I never thought I’d find a safe place and BOOM here it is!

[bluemoonchances]

Pull up a chair Beanzy!

[Beanzy1985]

it’s nice knowing there’s somewhere I can say things like “I’m so happy for you that you’ve managed to achieve in 2 months the one thing DH and I failed to do in 5 years” and “no, my time won’t come....no off you fuck”

[bluemoonchances]

Exactly! I'm feeling very low at the minute as I am literally the only one of my friends who is Barren. Even all of my friends who did struggle to conceive for like 2 minutes are now pregnant. I feel very lonely even though I have lots of friends. So I'm finding that I have pretty much zero patience with people and overwhelmingly want to tell most people to F**k Off!

[TiredAndIrrational]

I'm consumed with jealousy today. I went to see my newly-pregnant close friend. I want to be supportive and sympathetic to the nausea and tiredness she's experiencing but inside I'm screaming "I would give fucking ANYTHING to be you right now!"

It's incredibly unfair of me because they've had their own struggles - it's an IVF baby. But this in itself enraged me - they're having their treatment on the NHS, and it's been (relatively) easy for them to get to this point, whereas we have to go private because the NHS can't offer donor eggs.

I can't get out of my negative mindset. I almost feel like my friend being pregnant reduces my chances of getting pregnant. Which is ludicrous. But it's fuelling my self-hatred which makes me feel like I'll never have a baby because I don't deserve one.

[DLouise2004]

Sounds like a tough situation @TiredAndIrrational - is never easy seeing someone who is pregnant I don't think

We were out with friends and kids today and felt a little on edge as questions about us looking into adoption cane thick and fast. We want to be open with people but o hate the pitying looks. It really does feel like everyone thinks poor them they are not going to see what their children would look like or be a proper parent x

[bluemoonchances]

I totally get where you're coming from Tired. Xx
Dlou people who ask if you've considered adopting should be shot immediately on the spot. As anyone ever said to a pregnant woman "oh you're pregnant! Why didn't you adopt? There are lots of kids who you could give a home to..." Yet when you're Barren people can't understand why you may not want to adopt. Adoption isn't a second prize for infertile people!
All credit to the amazing people who do chose to adopt, they're better people than me!

[DLouise2004]

So we are going to adopt @bluemoonchances and have been open about that but everyone does still see it as second choice. I just wish people could feel happy for us but the pitying looks say it all x

[bluemoonchances]

You are an amazing person Dlou, as I said , I think people who chose to adopt are amazing. We've had long conversations about it but it's just not what we want to do. But if I say that to people I then feel like. Have to defend myself as to why as an infertile woman I don't want to adopt. It makes me very mad that people who are able have successful pregnancies don't get this interrogation.
Good luck to you, I hope you feel you can come on here for support through your journey xx

[Catinthecorner]

Can I join please? There are literally seven different things stopping me getting pregnant and while we are trying ivf I’m not hopeful. I feel this is exactly the place I need to call home right now. Somewhere I can be honest about how shit it is and avoid fucking baby dust

[DLouise2004]

Thanks @bluemoonchances - I feel like it is going to be a long journey so would love all of your support. I still have a lot of moments of sadness and doubt that we have done enough to have our own child but stoping treatment for us has lifted such a huge weight x

[DLouise2004]

Hi @Catinthecorner welcome - this is a great group to let out frustration and chat about how hard this situation is. I really hope the treatment works for you though - what stage are you at? X

[Beanzy1985]

@DLouise2004 I couldn’t agree more. I ended up having the fear every month that we would miscarry again, or my period would come like normal. I just couldn’t live like that anymore. We had already discussed adoption early on as we have always wanted to have children, it took Mr Beanz to look into it on his own to get it started. IVF took such a toll on my body that I was nearly rushed in for emergency surgery.

[DLouise2004]

Thanks @beaYeah it is traumatic and life changing and all of the other millions of emotions that are stocked up in there. Our friends have been good but I just hate the feeling sorry for us element - we are ok just doing things a different way in the end x

[DLouise2004]

Sorry realised it sent message without me knowing @Beanzy1985 !

[Catinthecorner]

@DLouise2004 thank you. We’re actually not too far in but our odds are...not good. I had uterine surgery last year and we start ivf in the summer. I think people think they are being kind with all the ‘think positive’ and what have you but the reality is ivf probably won’t work and if it does it would be a high risk pregnancy and I’m unlikely to make it to term. I’m tired of helping over people not feel uncomfortable about something that is happening to us not them.

[Catinthecorner]

*other

[DLouise2004]

Sorry to hear that @Catinthecorner - it's hard - you want to almost shake them and tell them to be realistic but I guess in a nice way they are trying to be hopeful for you. Sounds like you have been through the mill already x

[madvixen]

Hello,

May I come in? Thank you for pointing out the thread bluemoonchances, I'm more than a little low tonight and reading through other people's posts really helped. It's nice to know I'm not alone

[bluemoonchances]

Hello Madvixen, welcome! Every time you need to vent... these ladies get it! No bullshit platitudes, just fellow people who get it... so never feel bad for feeling bad again! X

[Mrsfw]

Hi ladies, hope you are all hanging in there and welcome to Madvixen. One thing that’s made me chuckle recently is that I’ve realised people now talk about TTC in terms of a month being a ‘cycle’. (Is this a new thing or has it just passed me by????) To me a cycle was always a cycle or round of IVF treatment eg 3-4 months long.
As in I was saying to someone I couldn’t believe how they had the strength to go through 13 ‘cycles’ when I’m on my knees at 8. Except they meant ‘months’. Oh well, I’m on cycle 61 then in that case. Hmm. Awkward end of convo.

[EarlGreyT]

mrsfw. I don’t think it’s a new thing, but be also made the same mistake and to me a cycle was always a cycle of IVF with the TWW being the 2 weeks from egg collection to doing a pregnancy test.

The people talking about cycles meaning a menstrual cycle as opposed to an IVF cycle also talk about the TWW as the 2 weeks between ovulation and their period/being able to do a PT. It blew my mind when I realised this.

[Mrsfw]

Indeed EarlGrey, it felt oddly competitive. Besides feeling totally stupid that this had somehow passed me by despite being a veteran.