Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.
   

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place
   

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice
   

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon
   

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.
   

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

[Mrsfw]

Hi Banana,

Thanks for the link, sounds like a really interesting event to be a part of, anc that’s very good of you to be helping at it. I will have a read through properly and let you know.

I’m glad you are still here though 😘(selfishly!) Hope you are OK, am really sorry to hear your last cycle didn’t go ahead and that you are making progress with your surrogacy search.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. We had the classic pity card in the post this week from SIL after specifically saying pls just text us with the news we were expecting. It was the usual ‘this will be hard for you...’ news. URGH. Onwards.

I’m back to the states in 2 months for attempt #9... xx

[DLouise2004]

Hey guys hope you are all good. Had the dreaded conversation with the ex today about the reference we need from him for the adoption. He sent a nice message back but also quite pitying and made me feel quite crap x

[DLouise2004]

Fact: if you have a phobia of seeing pregnant people being in ikea at the weekend is not the right place to be!

[auditqueen]

When is Ikea the place to be!!,

[TammySwanson]

Waves to everyone

Thanks for posting that banana, sounds interesting but I don't think I'm up for going this year (maybe next year?). It certainly would be nice to meet someone from this thread irl. Hope you have fun volunteering. Is fun the right word? Not sure..

I'm just pootling along at the moment. I did have a stupid angry moment when me and DH were shopping for a new washing machine. I had NO IDEA that so many washing machine have a 'BABY CLOTHES' or 'ALL BABY' setting on the dial until that day. Is it a new thing? It is just a 60 degree wash but apparently that's not the sort of information you need to know, all you need to know is that if you have baby then you use the BABY setting on the dial and everyone else who doesn't have a baby can go fuck themselves. Anyway, DH did not notice this and was saying why not this one, why not that one, I was going er... no I don't like it, over and over because I didn't want to admit, like a loon, that I didn't want a washing machine that made me feel like a complete fucking failure every time I used it and stared at the dial. Eventually I came clean (no pun intended!) and he agreed it was a stupid thing to have on a dial and we just decided our current washing machine would be good for a bit longer and forgot about the whole thing.

[TiredAndIrrational]

Oh Tammy I can relate to that feeling - it's like we're excluded from a special club

My cousin posted on Facebook today about how she's so proud of herself for "achieving" six months of breastfeeding. Oh FUCK OFF. You're LUCKY. That's all. LUCKY.

[TiredAndIrrational]

PS I love that we can vent our deepest darkest thoughts in here! Still feel like a terrible person though

[auditqueen]

Since when is feeding a baby an achievement?

I got told at lunchtime today, by a friend who has 3 children, pregnant again and is well aware of my, albeit distant struggles, that not having children has made me bitter and her kids are too scared to talk to me. I was then informed that my partner will probably go off and find someone less miserable because being around me is like being around a dark cloud and I can suck the joy out of any happy situation. All for changing to subject to something other than pregnancy, scans, breastfeeding and how having children is the most fulfilling thing a woman can do......

Another one off the Christmas card list.

[TrinaN]

Hi everyone and I hope you don't mind me joining you - I think I have finally found the board for me!

In my heart I would lve to think I am not quite in the uber barren squad, but in my head this is where I belong.

We have been ttc for 4 1/2 long years. Hopefully we will be having our first round of IVF later this year (just need to lose a bit more weight first), but after this long with not even the flicker of a BFP I am not sure it will ever happen.

I am glad it is not just me resenting pregnant people. My sister-in-law has just become a 'grandmother' (her partner's daughter has had a baby) and all I hear about is the baby. I feel really bad that I can't stand hearing about the baby or seeing pictures of it. I know I am just jealous that she tried for a month or two and got pregnant and I have been trying for years with nothing.

[TiredAndIrrational]

Hi Trina - you can be as resentful as you like in here, no judgement

I think I'm about to take my resentment to the next level. My two best friends are newly pregnant and I'm in a donor egg IVF cycle, with embryo transfer at the end of the month. It won't work, I know it won't. And I don't know how I'm going to cope. I am EXHAUSTED from being happy for other people. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep a brave face on.

[TrinaN]

Hi Tired and thank you for the welcome.

It is exhausting being happy for others. I would love to say to stay positive for the ET, but will just say good luck.

This whole ttc baby thing is just so unfair and doesn't help when people around you get pregnant, especially if they fall pregnant quickly and easily.

I have family events with my ILs this weekend and know that there is going to be lots of talk about the new baby. I feel terrible but I just don't want to hear it. I always dread any gathering where people may use the 'when are you going to have a baby' or 'your turn next'. I am not and no it is not! Problem is I am still in the stage of being asked things like that and bursting into tears which would serve them right.

One thing I hate is those who try and keep your spirits up when you just don't want it or who like to give 'helpful advice'.

One of DH's friends said that if we are not getting pregnant we need to have more sex and have sex every day - like I have time and can be bothered with that!

My favourite recently was a friend who is going through infertility as well (male factor). They have told MIL of the issues and she had said that it is okay and can have some of his cousin's sperm and no-one else needs to know but at least the baby will look like their family! That one has had me laughing for days.

[TiredAndIrrational]

Hi Trina - How did the weekend go?

I'm a bit low just now - had an endometrial thickness scan on Friday and my lining is only 6mm, which is too low for a successful transfer. It needs to thicken up sharpish as my embryo transfer will be in a week's time but my body just loves to screw me over so I feel like it's not going to happen.

[bluemoonchances]

Hi fellow barrens!

Just popped in for a quick Aaaaaarrrrghhhhh !!!

That's better! Feeling very Barren today. Have done my first pregnancy test for this month and obvs it's negative. Like they always are. After almost 8 years you'd think I'd have grown out of testing every month in the days leading up to AF. It's like an addiction. I do this to myself every month. I'm a fucking idiot.

Anyway. Hope you're all hanging in there! Cheerio! X

[DLouise2004]

Hi guys I just wondered how everyone was? We have just finished stage one if the adoption process so hoping to go down that route but still tough when everyone around us is falling pregnant x

[Fee6]

Hi. This is the first time I have posted on the thread. I hope you are all doing ok. Any advice on how to get through a bbq with three other couples all have kids under 2 year, and my husband and I have been told this week we have no chance of natural conception and IVF is unlikely. I have to leave the house in an hour and am not sure how to get through it.

[bluemoonchances]

Hi Fee

My advice is wine, and lots of it!

And when they're tired and playing up later trying to convince yourself 'thank god I dodged that bullet" even though it's really killing you

And when someone tells you that "you're lucky that you don't have to deal with this" when the kids are behaving like monsters later, look them square in the eye and say "that's funny because I don't feel very lucky"

The have another glass of wine! Xx

[Fee6]

Well I am home, bottle of bubbles all to my self, I managed not to break down in front of everyone. Rather diffrent now I am sat in my bathroom alone. I have helped watch kids, talk about breastfeeding, discussed what are the best day care options and finally what are the best holidays with kids. I have no experience in any of these subjects and feel completely useless.... My friends are lovely and I am sure they don't mean it but I feel like I am just watching from the sidelines. Take care everyone.

[DLouise2004]

Yesterday I spent a lovely day at a spa but the main topics of conversation were breast fedding/pumping, giving birth and weight gain after a baby. Just joyful x

[Fee6]

Sorry your spa day was a bit flat. How is the adoption project coming along? Were all here supporting you.

[DLouise2004]

Thanks @Fee6 we just waiting to hear whether we have passed stage 1 so fingers crossed! X

[DLouise2004]

Thanks @Fee6 we just waiting to hear whether we have passed stage 1 so fingers crossed! X

[fourpawswhite]

Off current chat slightly, but banana and stealth If you are still reading here and anyone else I didn't see because of my rage, once again I bow down to your rational calmness and reasoned responses in the face of absolute shit in AIBU. That thread is , excuse me, fucking outrageous and I could not have even formulated a response.

Both of you and the others echoing what you are saying are inspirations and amazing people.

I am so sorry I can't ever seem to convey myself in support of you at the time but I have blocked that thread and wanted to put somewhere that your comments do not go unnoticed and that some people really need to fuck right off.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj.

[fourpawswhite]

And Louise, apologies for changing subject. Fingers crossed for you from here and hope all goes well.

[EarlGreyT]

I have delurked to say exactly the same thing fourpaws. That fucking thread. Infertility bingo tastic. Arrrrgggghhhhhhh.

There are some real shits out there. I don’t understand why some people hate infertile women so much and seem to have a real vendetta against us. Some of the posters are quite frankly as thick as mince though.

Well done bananas (fish and stealth!), purple and mrsfw. I am too wound up and angry to contribute anything meaningful to the “debate”.

[bluemoonchances]

Are you guys talking about the ivf on nhs thread? I felt that I should have a massive rant on it but just couldn't bring myself to be there for the fight. It made me too angry to even rant! Does that even make sense?!