Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.
   

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place
   

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice
   

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon
   

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.
   

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

[auditqueen]

Crappy thread again in AIBU. A slightly different situation as the poster is single and childless and an Uber barren, but still the usual calls of "why don't you just adopt/foster". From people who gave birth to their own offspring.

[Beanzy1985]

Interesting conversation today at work that I thought about going back on an apologising about and then changed my mind.
Colleague 1 (who is a long time friend who knows about the barrenness): “How’s the adoption stuff going?”
Me: ...don’t even get the chance to finish taking in a breath
Colleague 2 who is a nosey you know what: “why are you wanting to adopt, don’t you want kids?!”
Colleague 1 and I look at each other....
Me: “well, obviously”
Colleague 2: “then why don’t you just have one”
Me:.....
Me:.....
Me:.....
Me:.....“quick biology lesson for you, love. It’s not as simple as wanting one, or mummy and daddy loving each other so much that they magically make a baby. Some of us aren’t able to pop them out of their fannies like it’s going out of fashion”
Colleague 2:......
Colleague 2:......
Colleague 2:......
Colleague 2:......“yeah, but if you adopt they aren’t really yours”
Colleague 1 then grabbed me by the arm and led me away before I told her exactly where to stick her obtrusive comments.

Maybe I shouldn’t have risen to it but people are either really nosey or just don’t seem to understand that it’s not an easy thing for everyone and that for some of us it’s a very sore subject. I will openly discuss it with those that I feel I can, with everyone else I feel like I have to protect their feelings with comments like “oh, you know, it’ll happen when it happens”. No. It won’t always happen. But I’m ok with that now. But I’m not ok with anyone else having to come to terms with that because life is so unfair and cruel sometimes.

Sorry. Ranting/being oversensitive today.

[DLouise2004]

Urgh @Beanzy1985 I feel your pain- people just do not get it - they just see them as yours or not yours and that's just wrong. You dealt with it perfectly I think! Did she not even apologise?!

On a side note adoption registration form winging its way to us and should have it tomorrow. And so another rollercoaster starts! X

[Beanzy1985]

@DLouise2004 that’s so exciting! We’ve got our meeting tomorrow night so I think we can collect our pack then. Let me know what it’s like and we can compare notes 😉

[DLouise2004]

Absolutely @Beanzy1985 - will keep you posted on what it says! Let me know how the meeting goes! X

[DLouise2004]

Had the ultimate of blows tonight - absolute arse of an ex announced tonight on a group what's app that him and the cowbag that he got together with literally the day we split up are having a baby. Whilst we havent been vocal with that group loads on what has been going on with us they all know there have been struggles so to then continue to chat about said announcement and all of their baby woes for the last hour or so with me and my hubby on there has made me livid. A couple text me saying they were sorry that things were like this and things weren't working out for us so must be hard but almost make me so angry that they pity us. We are now the only people in the group without children. Have cried my eyes out and feel better but feel like is one step forward 300 back. All positivity has been zapped x

[Beanzy1985]

Oh @DLouise2004. That really sucks. Always feels like someone has booted you in the stomach full pelt.

[DLouise2004]

I literally feel quite sick @Beanzy1985 if I could get away with not going in to work again then I would. Feel like I am grieving all over again x

[Beanzy1985]

@DLouise2004 maybe it’s worth taking time away from the chat for a while and regroup? You’ve made a decision on your next step, that needs to be your focus. Just think about the stretch marks you’ll be avoiding.

[DLouise2004]

Thanks @Beanzy1985 yeah have muted the chat - if I could I would leave it but you can't leave without notifying everyone so I thought that may not go down well as ex would see it as a snub. I am feeling a little better but do feel like I have taken a few steps back - I just hate feeling like this x

[TipsNotHacks]

Thought I'd check in after a while off social media/internet etc. Sorry to hear you're all struggling so much. I think this stuff becomes so 'normal' that you get used to constantly living this life. I manage well generally in the sense that I continue to go to work, do my best, etc (that is the limit of my ambitions right now, I can't manage a social life on top of this). My question is: have any of you reached the stage where you think the situation has become 'critical'. My this I mean wondering if you can even see the year out if your situation doesn't change?

[Beanzy1985]

@TipsNotHacks what do you mean by “seeing the year out”. Are you ok? Chat to us.

[TipsNotHacks]

Brandy, thank you. That sounded ominous. I'm not suicidal but I do wonder if I might be eventually. Just finding it difficult to muster any motivation to move forward. I feel stuck in a cycle of working a stressful job (but not unbearable by any means) , weekend --- work drudgery, weekend. Just relentless isn't it.

[TipsNotHacks]

Brandy, Beanzy 🤦‍♀️

[DLouise2004]

Sorry @TipsNotHacks that things are getting a bit tough. It isn't an easy journey and can relate that sometimes it feels a bit like Groundhog Day. Do you have any support around you? Where are you in your journey? X

[TipsNotHacks]

Thanks Louise. Yes, I'm lucky that I have support from husband and parents but tend to keep out of the way of friends these days. Multiple IVF's (failed the last one earlier this year), only cause is PCOS. How are you doing today?

[DLouise2004]

Sorry to hear that @TipsNotHacks - what are you thinking re next steps? Are you done? What have consultants said?

Feeling a little better tonight - hubby back from work trip and we just completed adoption registration forms so feeling a little more positive x

[TipsNotHacks]

Thinking of pulling out all the stops and doing our fifth cycle at ARCG - it's eye wateringly expensive but I've been completely seduced by their success rates.

That's an encouraging first step, I know of course that adoption is not an easy path either. Do you mind me asking how much treatment you had before reaching the decision to pursue adoption? I really hope the process runs as smoothly as possible for you. X

[DLouise2004]

Of course not @TipsNotHacks - we had 4 cycles before we decided enough was enough. If was too much of an emotional rollercoaster for us - if am honest us miscarrying on the 1st cycle at 11 weeks broke us a little bit and each cycle after that our hearts weren't in it as much. It has been an Uber tough decision and we may still aren't even there yet in terms of accepting we won't have our own children but we felt for the sake of our sanity and relationship enough was enough. Since we made the decision I feel like I am me again and my works isnt governed by drugs and not being able to plan.

I have heard ARGC is meant to be good - how much are we talking? X

[TipsNotHacks]

Louise, I know we all hate the platitudes, but I admire your courage. I totally relate to the feelings you have about reaching the end of the road - we're 70% there ourselves to be honest and I expect this will be our last attempt.

A lot - initial quote comes in at about £20k give or take a couple of grand either side 😱😱😱 it's a great big carrot being dangled in front of our faces at the moment and we've decided to use our savings and not move house as planned (not that we ever moved on from our first house. Everything went on IVF).

Do you have an idea of how long the adoption process may take take? X

[DLouise2004]

Wow that is a lot @TipsNotHacks but if it puts your mind at rest that you did absolutely everything you could then it is worth it. When do you think you will start?

The adoption process timeline can be different for different areas and people but we have been told to expect it to be a year to 18 months. Just popped the registration papers in the post so now wait 5 days to check they happy to progress us x

[Beanzy1985]

I seriously admire you both, DH and I only went through 1 round before we realised we couldn’t do it again. I got quite poorly during the cycle from the hormones and then went into shock after the retrieval due to them not managing my sedative correctly. I asked for them to delay implantation whilst I healed but they wouldn’t wait (NHS funded) and it then failed. We’ve since had additional noninvasive treatment mainly for DH and have had a miscarriage and I just couldn’t do it again. Adoption was very much a subject that was discussed from early in our journey and the more we’ve talked about it the more we feel like it is the right fit for us to be parents. But, if that doesn’t go to plan then I am not afraid to spend the rest of my life with just my husband to care for

But, I’ve just come back from such an infuriating afternoon. It was a baby shower for one of the girls at work which can sometimes be quite hard on the heart and today started off lovely but they’ve all left me with a really sour taste in my mouth. Conversation started along the lines of “so will you/won’t you have kids” type questions directed at everyone. I was last in line to be interrogated and gave a very political answer of “it’ll happen when it happens” which we all know is bullshit. Someone then said “well, if anyone ever struggles you can just have ivf and take the easy road”. I almost choked on my cucumber sandwich! Then someone said that “a friend of a friend” decided not to “bother” trying and thought they’d “just adopt” but were turned down because of enter whatever reason you want as I stopped listening by this point which led everyone else around the table to say that they don’t have the child’s best interests at heart and only want kids to stay with their druggie parents. Queue me getting up on my soap box and off I went on a rant. I had to excuse myself and left very abruptly because I realised they just would never understand my news when I tell them my plan.

[DLouise2004]

OMG @Beanzy1985 I actually can't believe they were talking like that although it didn't surprise me. Fertile people just don't get this journey at all. When I have spoken to people about treatment or adoption I have questions like. 'Well if you can afford it why wouldn't you do another round' or 'well I don't see the problem with adoption it's a quick and easy way to getting a child' - it has taken all my strength not to punch them in the mouth!

I hear where you are coming from re the treatment though - in all honest we were done after our first frozen cycle (2nd cycle) / this miscarriage had hit us hard and we lost all positivity about the process. Once you have lost it it's hard to get it back. We only did the 3rd and 4th because they were placed in our lap - the nhs said they would fund us after all (we paid for the 1st two cycles) so we kind of thought we don't want any regret let's do it. It was hard and probably a bit of a mistake as the nhs weren't near as good as our private hospital had been.

I don't get why people think ivf is a sure bet - if they looked at the stats it is clear that a lot of people don't want away with a baby so why can't people be sensitive about that fact?

I just hope we actually get accepted to go through the adoption process - I worry constantly about something coming up that means they don't think we would make great parents x

[fourpawswhite]

Delurking to offer a handhold tips. I get that feeling of despair and no end, I really do. As others have said keep talking here, I know that in my darkest times that really has got me through.

I just had to step away from my keyboard before I lost the plot at a thread in active. I did reply but very restrained so as not to be, well banned. Thread is in pregnancy but op moaning about her entire pregnancy being ruined because she was told the gender at a twenty week scan. Jesus Christ. Even sat in the quiet room reserved for people who have had bad news. It's been a while since I've been so angry about well anything really.

Lots of people also annoyed so hopefully will be removed. I just don't understand these fertile people. Where is the empathy.

Thinking of you all.

[TiredAndIrrational]

I'm so full of bitterness and bile today. Which is disappointing because I managed to get myself into a reasonably positive frame of mind for a few days; but I seem to have relapsed into the mean, moody bad place again.

I totally resent my pregnant friend, which is incredibly unfair and I hate myself for it. I'm so sick and tired of being the supportive friend, I'm tired of pretending I'm fine and philosophical about the whole thing. IT'S NOT FAIR. What did I do to deserve this?! When can I buy beautiful little presents for my own baby instead of for other people's baby showers, christenings, first birthdays . . . ?

We're having donor egg IVF abroad at the end of May and I know with every cell and fibre of my being that it's not going to work. How could it, when I'm so full of negativity?

Sorry. Totally self-absorbed. But I'm glad I can come here and let this out.