Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.
   

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place
   

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice
   

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon
   

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.
   

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

[Wouldswopmycat]

Hi all - @bananafish81 thanks for directing me onto this new thread. Not sure how active all you guys are right now but it has been a great comfort to me to read through this and the previous thread you all had.

My shit show: I'm 38, been trying since I was 32. First round of IVF at Guys, got pregnant with (the first) fresh embryo transfer then had a silent miscarriage at 12 weeks. Found out at the 12 week scan which seriously scarred my husband and I - the cruelty of this situation. Because I had got pregnant first time with IVF I stupidly assumed that was bad luck and it would work. What a dick! We went through another 3 embryo transfers there, it didn't. This year we made the decision to give it one last go at CRGH - fuelled by their success rates and them telling us we had a 70% chance of getting pregnant and keeping it. I've been on a sabbatical from work since last September, so really this was our last go in a lot of senses. They made us do ICSI, pre genetic screening (we only got two eggs, put one embryo in for pre genetic screening and it came back as a healthy embryo), intralipid IV, endometrial scratch and biopsy for NK cells......embryo transfer went well then low and behold - this didn't work either. I'm now on my 5th miscarriage and have truly lost all hope and faith. To do IVF again is impossible as I would give up what little sanity I've got left - that, and we have spent our entire savings now on this round at CRGH.

(For anyone thinking of CRGH - we thought they were very good but we were told repeatedly by our particular recurrent miscarriage consultant there it would work - can't wait to hear what she has to say to us tomorrow. If you're thinking of going to a new clinic I would highly recommend them in terms of clinical care, even though it didn't pan out for us).

We can't believe that after 6 years this is where we are, a sentiment that I know you all completely understand. Certain family have been disgustingly behaved in our last round and I just feel exhausted, fucking angry and in total shock about where we are. Everyone wanks on about kids being a strain on your marriage - try not having any, and losing baby after baby! FFS. It feels like the year is a never ending reminder. Anniversary of losing baby straight after my birthday in March. Mother's Day putting the boot in. October baby loss awareness week and due date. Now Christmas. It is so unbearably hard now being the last couple standing so to speak on the kid front. Tired of having to exude the strength of superwoman just going through life with everyone knowing about this.

I'm sure I've added nothing new to this thread but my own personal meanings above, but I wish I'd discovered you all a lot earlier. Wishing everyone the absolute best xxx PS @botanica I recommend taking a sabbatical, there is a limit, and while we went balls deep on this (going down to one salary, me losing my mind practically at home, becoming a born again fucking housewife ,doing two lots of IVF) at least we can say we gave it our best team shot.

[Wouldswopmycat]

*personal bleatings, not meanings!

[PurpleDaisies]

How’s everyone’s getting on with Christmas round the corner? I absolutely hate this time of year. I just want to close the curtains and wait until it’s jamuary again.

[PygmyHippoBob]

Delurking to congratulate bananafish on her Women’s Hour appearance on Monday.

[TammySwanson]

@PurpleDaisies I'm with you on that. Had a total meltdown last night seemingly out of the blue. I hate this time of year and the focus on family, children, and all those fucking Xmas cards from people with 5,000 kids who swore they never wanted any and in any case only met their partners a few years ago. Add to that that this is the time of the year of my first miscarriage 5 years ago (and if our last IVF hadn't ended in miscarriage then it would have been our first as parents) and it's all suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. The gateway group I was attending has disbanded as the leader has moved away (it was really only her and me that went regularly anyway) and I have no one, apart from DH, to talk to IRL. I think I'll have to find another group in another town in the New Year.

On the plus side, me and DH are going away this year to a country that doesn't really do Christmas so will try and ignore everything as best we can. I kind of hate this is what it's come to though (and also hate that my parents are pretty much ignoring Christmas too, I feel like I've let them down in so many ways).

Anyway, hugs to whoever needs them. Remember, if you are struggling then you are not alone. Be kind to yourself and indulge and pamper yourself in whatever way you see fit.

[BadlyAgedMemes]

I can't think on which other username I might have talked about my uber barrenness before, so this one will have to do. I'm not caught up on the thread, but will read once I find my composure.

I feel like I've been hit with a barren mallet tonight, and there's nothing else to do but to ride it out once again. It's been more than 16 years of this shit now, and I'm despairing at the thought that it'll never go away properly.

We haven't been having any further treatments for a while now, because my mental health has been fragile, and well, you need to draw the line somewhere, right? But I feel like my brain is just not catching up with me. Every single day I notice thoughts pop into my head about "if/when we have kids", and every time have to tell myself, no, stop it, that won't happen. Using a place like MN might not be the best place, I guess, but if an active forum like this exists without any mention of parenthood, I've not come across it.

I'm having counselling, talking with DH, trying to engage with my interests, spending time with friends (luckily my closest ones are either childless or have grown up children), taking my anti-depressants, doing yoga, you name it. Some days I'm totally fine and not thinking of it at all. Other nights are just so shit. I just can't seem to find or think of anything that I'd want or really wish for as much as I wanted a child, so in comparison nothing else feels like a good replacement goal...

This time of year isn't helpful, like Tammy and Purple mention. I'm not too bothered by seeing other families spend their time. The thing that gets me every year is remembering all the things I used to think I'd want to do with my own. I didn't always have the greatest childhood myself, so I'd done a lot of imagining what fun times I'd have with my own ones to make their childhood a happier time. DH and I have made it our own tradition to spend the holidays just the two of us (after a surprisingly painful Christmas with family when my DB's children were babies and toddlers), but quite a bit of it is spent sampling various booze and playing computer games, and not doing anything very Christmassy.

[elasticfantastic]

So just saw that DH has googled the weight I need to be to have a good shot at the ivf again (I've put a lot of weight on over the years of comfort eating and need to lose about 3 stone), so now I've gone from thinking we're both on the same page where we had agreed that children are not in our future, to knowing that he secretly wants me to try again. Urgh. I can't have another MC. I just can't face it.

(I'm a regular poster but had a NC a few weeks ago)

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Another fucking awful AIBU thread going on right now full of sweeping generalisations about how childless people lead superficial lives amd don't know love and all the other fucking awful comments that we get. All because so,e arsehole decided to do a bit of stirring.

[Loveglee]

Generalisations and the most awful smugness I’ve ever heard, Leigh :-(

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

That entire thread, well apart from a few exceptions, feels like a bingo card for barrens.

[PurpleDaisies]

I missed that thread. Thank goodness.

Are the spammers back? Noticed quite a few deleted posts again.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Stay away from it purple. It's horrible.

[wonder101]

I need this place today. I feel so alone. And jus so sad.

My husband has 3 children from a previous relationship. So he absolutely does not get this😭.

I feel everywhere I turn there is a bump or baby😫

[EarlGreyT]

Just revived this thread to say that there are some right arseholes on that AIBU thread tonight. I am so angry.

I hope everyone here is ok.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

There certainly are. It just shows how we are expected to celebrate pregnancy and babies even if it is to the detriment of our own mental health. Fuck that. My husband DIED because we couldn't have a child. How is that not worse than any level difficulty experienced in pregnancy and childbirth (where both mother and baby survive and recover of course). It's like he and his feelings don't count.

[EarlGreyT]

@Leighhalfpennysthigh
I’m so sorry for the lack of responses to the heartbreak and pain you so eloquently expressed which you received on that thread. When I last looked, you’d almost universally been ignored by posters on that thread. I feel like some arseholes out there are made so uncomfortable by infertile women (as their entire being is their children) that it’s just easier to ignore us and pretend our feelings don’t exist.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

@EarlGreyT thank you. I constantly feel as if I'm battling against preconceptions and to be able to grief for the children I wanted but didn't have. It's true that we are seen as less than parents and less worthy of consideration and empathy.

[Waiting4mumhood]

Hello. Can I join? We have pretty conclusive infertility: hubby is azoospermic and even following ball surgery last summer (what a champ!) there are categorically no sperm. Horribly unfair as he's the best human I know so evolution really f*ed up there. I am low on eggs for my age and we've failed our free ivf round (using donor, got 2 eggs 1 mature, led to 1 embryo, 3dt, didn't take). We're having another pop in the summer. We think. Probably. Possibly. Or not. I'm 33 btw.

[elasticfantastic]

Hi @Waiting4mumhood welcome to the club!

It's been a bit quiet round here recently, but I'm sure you've seen from reading the thread that it's a great bunch of ladies, and the perfect place to really say what's on your mind knowing you won't get judged or cheer-leadered (I think I just made up a word there!)

We have also decided not to try ICSI again. We've drawn our line in the sand and are embracing our barreness! We are considering getting a dog! 😆

[Whyborn78]

Hi Bananafish81 just wondered if you were still on this forum?

[FingersXssd83]

Ooh can I join? Third IVF cycle failed this week so very much looking at a childless future so it would be good to connect with ladies in a similar position away from the excitement of the IVD threads 🙄

[uberbarrensclub]

Hi Why it's Banana here but rebranded!

It's been a barren-tastic week - took part in a photoshoot for a photographer mate's project exploring women's relationships with our cycles & our bodies and she posted a concept sketch called Uber Barren; then on Weds an article in Metro was published about my work and why I'm trying to reclaim the word 'barren', and then this afternoon I was live on Sky News debunking the myth of the selfish career woman who left it too late to have children, and more about reclaiming barren! Sending lots of love to everyone and hoping I can do our barren ghetto elite squad proud :)

[Whyborn78]

Oh so glad this group is still going... just what I need xxx