Uber barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion

[bananafish81]

Thread 1 here

Welcome all to the barren ghetto, elite squad 9th battalion. Sgt banana reporting for duty.

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, at the end of the road after multiple failures, the 9th battalion isn't for you.
   

1. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place
   

1. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice
   

1. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon
   

1. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.
   

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone.

[Mrsfw]

Tired Am so sorry you are feeling like this, IVF with multiple failures is a hard journey. Please never think that you need to feel positive for it to work. It’s OK to feel thoroughly shit and negative. Positivity has nothing to do with it and a completely normal feeling when you are faced with childlessness. Take care xx

[TiredAndIrrational]

Thanks Mrsfw. I dealt with a rough week in a mature and adult fashion last night - by getting absolutely trashed on cheap prosecco!

Back on the healthy wagon today though - feeling a bit ashamed of myself.

[Beanzy1985]

@Mrsfw that’s how all responsible grown ups deal with grown up problems

@DLouise2004 what sort of things were on your application in the end? Did you have to give your referees?

[Mrsfw]

@Beanzy1985 I don’t understand what you mean by that. Did I say something wrong?

[Beanzy1985]

@Mrsfw not at all! I meant it as a joke but now I’ve read it back it sounds a bit sarcastic. No nastiness intended, I was just meaning that is how I cope as a responsible adult

[Mrsfw]

Oh phew!!!! I was really worried I’d upset someone. 😊 Thanks for clarifying xx

[DLouise2004]

Hi @Beanzy1985 on app form it asked about addresses for last 10 years, work, how much we earnt, what our house was like and then asked for 3 referees x

[Beanzy1985]

@DLouise2004 have you had a home visit yet?

(Sorry everyone for all the adoption chat!)

[houseofrabbits]

I haven't read the full thread but have read the rules so I hope I stick to them in posting this.

I'm uber barren, aged 26 with premature ovarian failure and no viable eggs. Eligible for one round of donor egg IVF on the NHS but have got BIL and SIL going through multiple miscarriages and we've (DH and I) decided IVF just is not for us. I'm not sure I could cope with miscarriages.

We've decided to adopt, currently in the process of buying a bigger house so will start adoption process in the next year or so. Been researching adoption for years so we are as ready as we can be. Terrified we won't get approved though (but not really sure why) and end up back at square one.

I was coping with pregnant people okay....however I still find 'sudden announcements' somewhat distressing, cue quick exit from staff room when colleague proudly announced her pregnancy (I am happy for her, really!) a couple of weeks ago and bursting into tears at Facebook birth announcement of old uni acquaintance.

I also don't cope very well with people who don't want to have children (but potentially have perfectly good eggs).....I know this is completely unreasonable of me and I never ever share this thought with anyone obviously (hoping this is a safe space I can share this thought here, apologies if I have offended anyone.)

[Beanzy1985]

Hi @houseofrabbits eve all had a vent here so feel free to continue. I feel like having children is 100% an individual feeling, and I do understand why someone would choose not to. But, I understand your view point on that when I so desperately want to be a mother.

I also understand your fear of being told you can’t adopt. All the emotional outlay that is required, for a board of strangers to potentially say you aren’t a good enough person to be a parent is kinda hard and scary to deal with. I’m sure that’s where having a good social worker comes into play.

Deciding not to go down the route of ivf also makes sense. It’s a tough process, and miscarriages are f*cking sht. But that is totally an individual choice that only you and your OH can make together as a unit.

[DLouise2004]

Hi @houseofrabbits I completely get where you are coming from re not going for ivf - it is one hell of a rollercoaster. Welcome to this group - be as honest as you like here! We all in the same boat!

@Beanzy1985 no home visit yet - we have to wait 5 days to understand if registration been accepted and then they tell us next steps which I have been told is a day and a half if training, obtaining references and I think will be a home visit. So scared they are going to find something which means we can't progress but trying to stay positive! Reading a lot as well - although I think I am driving my husband mental taking about it so much! X

[houseofrabbits]

@Beanzy1985 thank you for understanding. I absolutely agree having children is an individual decision and I logically understand why people might choose not to, but emotionally it's difficult.

@DLouise2004 that's interesting you are choosing to adopt. I look forward to hearing about your journey.

[DLouise2004]

Thanks @houseofrabbits - am excited but also very scared! X

[DLouise2004]

Literally everywhere I go today people have baby on board badges in their coats - talk about rubbing it in! X

[bluemoonchances]

Hello fellow Uber Barrens... hi new people! I've been quiet for a couple of weeks as I found myself getting far to angry at total strangers on the AIBU pages and so decided I needed to step away from mumsnet for a while lol!

But I'm back now and still Barren!

Just read back on what I've missed Beanzy I do not know how you held yourself back from give colleague 2 a sharp punch in the throat!

[Beanzy1985]

@bluemoonchances I just called her every bad word I could think of under my breath

[bluemoonchances]

FFS think the girls who sits next to me at work is preg. She keeps mentioning being hormonal and saying she can't drink etc. She's not in next week one morning for a doctors appointment. I've not worked in this office long so don't know her very well.
I really cannot be arsed with this.

[Beanzy1985]

@bluemoonchances it’s always tough when the preggo doesn’t know your back story. The few times in my experience where they’ve found out it’s been more uncomfortable for them. You get the “oh, sorry, shouldn’t have said that” and the “I know you can’t carry a child of your own but look at me!” (Slight exaggeration on that one) type of comments.

[bluemoonchances]

Phew she's not preg! I was over analysing! I'm such a mean person being glad someone is not pregnant

[houseofrabbits]

@DLouise2004 I hate those baby on board badges! They come across as so smug.....which I know isn't at all intentional.

[DLouise2004]

They really do @houseofrabbits - especially when people have no bump! X

[Beanzy1985]

@bluemoonchances just a big lunch heavy on the carbs?

[DuchyDuke]

Having a chat with people about how a friend’s husband isn’t very involved with his kids (he’s a grade A arse) and got told bluntly how I’d understand the truth when I have kids. The person who made this comment has form for crap like this so I ignored but I got so bloody angry. Like it takes childbirth to realise what an arse someone is!

[Starryeyes1984]

I'm glad I found this group. Some of these posts have made me smile in what has otherwise been one of the crappiest days of my life. I was up at 2am playing a solo game bananagrams with words that summed up my feelings about being 33 and barren. Isolated was up there. Just TTC was shitty and lonely enough but now I have the joys of spending the next 10 or so years watching my friends and family create and grow their families while I go through early menopause. Very isolating. Nice to know there's at least one safe judgment free space out there!

[bananafish81]

Greetings barrens

Although I don't post much any more, I do read this thread and am wishing you well. Depressingly I copied and pasted the 'rules' from the previous thread, in which I mentioned my 'next cycle' - which of course never happened, as I had bloody 7 cancelled cycles and then reached the end of the road with treatment, so there never got to be one last go. Sigh.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know about an event I'm volunteering at, which might be interesting / relevant

It's called Fertility Fest and it's the world's first arts festival dedicated to fertility, infertility, and the science of making babies. There's going to be 150 artists and fertility experts in a week long programme of events, discussion and debate, held at the Bush Theatre in Hammersmith, from 8th-13th May

The three key aims of the events are:

• To improve understanding of the emotional journey of people who struggle to conceive, and we want there to be better patient care and outcomes for everyone, whatever their fertility story, and however it ends
  
• To improve the level of public discourse about reproductive science - what it can and cannot do, and how it's affecting the way the human race can be made
  
• To improve fertility education - young people need to learn more than how 'not to get pregnant'; they deserve a more rounded and robust understanding of human fertility so they have the best chance of creating the familities they want in the future - with or without children, with or without reproductive science
  
  Some of the participants include:
  
  Clinicians: incl. Prof Simon Fishel, Prof Lesley Regan, Prof Adam Balen, Mr Anil Gudi, Prof Geeta Nargund, Dr James Nicopoullos, as well as other clinicians from CRGH, Lister, London Women's Clinic, Andrology Solutions, Newcastle Fertility Center, amongst others.
  
  Representatives from organisations including the RCOG, HFEA and Wellcome Institute (incl HFEA Chair Sally Cheshire)
  
  Clinical researchers in reproductive medicine from UCL (Prof Joyce Harper) and charities such as Fertility Network UK and Chana
  
  As well as a host of artists, writers, film-makers, former and current patients, campaigners and more
  
  I attended the previous Fertility Fest in 2016 (2 days after the EC of my third cycle - I was frantically checking my phone during the sessions as I was waiting for the day 2 update from the embryology lab, and having just had 28 eggs retrieved, I remember resembling a beach ball!) and it was a fantastic event, so can highly recommend it to anyone for whom these issues strike a chord.
  
  The Fertility Fight Club sessions are also going to be streamed live on Facebook!
  
  If anyone does fancy coming along and wants to say hello, please do PM me :)
  
  (hoping MN don't think this is some kind of commercial spam, I'm not selling anything, just want to let you all know about the event in case it's of interest)