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Affected by Dementia? We have a new Talk topic specifically for Dementia, please do pop over and take a lookVisit the Dementia Talk topic

Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

(791 Posts)
picklemepopcorn Tue 06-Mar-18 12:42:35

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

picklemepopcorn Tue 06-Mar-18 12:45:12

Borrowing sandwiches words from last time...

"Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing? "

picklemepopcorn Tue 06-Mar-18 12:45:50

And a link to the old thread.

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you needhttp://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/2895100-Caring-for-elderly-parents-Drop-in-for-support-hand-holding-and-whatever-you-need

I'm just showing off, now!

Lellochip Tue 06-Mar-18 12:56:31

Thanks pickle flowers

yolofish Tue 06-Mar-18 13:29:18

ooh pickle it works clever you!

picklemepopcorn Tue 06-Mar-18 15:57:47

On my iPad, us8ng the app, one of the options if you swipe the thread title is 'share'. Then 'copy', then paste in the comment. Feeling proud...

yolofish Tue 06-Mar-18 18:27:10

you should pickle coz even your explanation is beyond me...!

dadsaworry Tue 06-Mar-18 18:34:29

Thanks for new thread @picklemepopcorn Got a feeling I'm going to need it!
Finding it all a bit hard right now, so will be in need of hand holding.
Here to hold hands for others too thankswineenvycakegin

WorriedAndTired Tue 06-Mar-18 19:06:56

Thanks pickle
Any chance of an elderly parent swap? I think DF behaves better for others. And I’m now accustomed to grumpy old men. grin

yolofish Tue 06-Mar-18 19:20:23

2nd night of experiment with DM:how long to ask after me/us? well, readers, I left after 25 mins and still nothing about me. oth, DD2 is obvosly clearly homesick and I am a cruel mother for letting her be at uni (FYI she is homesick, but she knows its her choice to stay blah blah)

Lellochip Tue 06-Mar-18 19:47:54

Handholds all round for those who need em! I've been arguing with my DM tonight but on the whole it's a good thing she's now suitably improved from her infection to actually argue with. Just need to convince her that eating is actually rather important, and maybe she should try it hmm

MoreCheerfulMonica Tue 06-Mar-18 21:15:45

Hello everyone. Shall we welcome the new thread with some cake and wine?

picklemepopcorn Tue 06-Mar-18 22:26:53

Great idea, Monica!

thesandwich Tue 06-Mar-18 22:39:29

Off I go off to have a jolly night out and you’ve all moved! Great to see a shiny new treat filled thread- 🥇to Pickle!
Sorry to hear about the ungrateful self obsessed elderlies. It seems to be par for the course. Whereas to others they can seem charming...
But to the long suffering daughters.......
yolo sorry to hear about your dd. This term can be a really tough one.

Alonglongway Wed 07-Mar-18 01:02:52

We’re hanging in

Fantastic carers - they just had CQC inspection and I was delighted to get a call from the inspector so I could sing their praises

Mum hasn’t been to day centre all last week because of the snow and I’ve been worrying about her. I get to see the carers notes via their app and she’s been in bed a lot. She gets up for me but I can’t go every day. Between me and my brother we visit every day, but he has a trickier relationship with her, though he’s fine with dad.

Anyhow I went along this morning, determined to get her to day centre. No problem. She was delighted to go and got herself organised with no difficulty. After she’d gone, dad told me she’d been very agitated last night, phoning me to come and get her and packing a bag. Thing is, I had no calls last night. We moved to be near mum and dad and the new owners took landline at the previous house. I wonder what messages she left - gosh.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 07-Mar-18 01:37:58

I'm struggling with my Mil atm. Did the whole 'chosen one' routine with my late mum and dad for the last six or so years of their lives and it was exhausting. Now it seems l am the 'chosen one' again as the only dil who's semi retired and lives nearby. I have siblings and Sils but on both occasions its all on me.
I have started to really resent dmil and have to make myself go round there. Since she had a bad fall (from being stubborn and not waiting for me to help her out my car) and then refusing all help from various agencies l got in touch with (thinking l would do it all clearly) when she ended up almost completely immobile and therefore incontinent as a result of this fall. I refused to the shock horror of her, my DH and the rest of the in law s to help with her personal care but did absolutely everything else. But still lm a madam and lazy and so on to the rest of the family now. I feel so angry with her still even though she's recovered now but l can't seem to shake off this feeling of just not wanting go round.
,,

Namechanger124 Wed 07-Mar-18 02:01:12

hi everyone, I wasn't on the old thread but I care for my dad (although hes not actually that old) but he does have MS that affects his balance and his memory/logic so he behaves like an old man! Hope you don't mind me joining as I could do with lots of hand holding.
Its hard work having someone so dependant on you, especially when you also have to deal with life. Ive struggled this week, I feel like I just want to run away!

picklemepopcorn Wed 07-Mar-18 06:17:45

Hello name changer, yes, welcome! That does sound hard. Nothing else stops, to let you deal with it one th8ng at a t8me, does it!

Bahhumbug- I'm not surprised you are fed up! That is awful! What does DH say about it?

Sandwich, I'm so glad you're back! It doesn't feel right without you!

Longway, that sounds like a great set up with the carers.

brewbrewbrewbrewbrew to start the day. I'm meeting a friend today. I haven't seen her for a year, because I've been so absorbed in looking after m7m and dad. So breakfast at spoons, then a potter round the shops. I know how to live....!

wonkylegs Wed 07-Mar-18 11:36:14

well done for sorting out the new thread
Bahhumbug - that sounds rough, I get the angry bit
Pickle - its important to remember we are people too, enjoy meeting your friend

Mums free care visits / assessment started on Monday and yesterday she had already managed to cause a drama. Panicked call from SS carer that mum had taken 2 days worth of meds on one day and they were worried about an overdose. Mums fine (i suspect she didn't even take 2 she probably took out one dose got distracted and put them down and then got another lot) but they have now got her a meds safe and have decided that they can give her her meds. Previously they said that they could only remind her to take them.
They have also managed to magic up a second visit a day to make sure she has some dinner in the evening (again previously 'impossible')
Her private home help that we had organised before SS involvement is still taking her to her groups and coming in for tea & jigsaws phoned me today and he said he will email me a photo of the SS assessment book so far - mum has been on top form as i think having different people come in and last weeks drama with the heating has thrown her so she's getting lots of stuff confused and failed to make the carer a cup of tea (one of their assessments) so all the things that we had said before but no-one was listening!

picklemepopcorn Wed 07-Mar-18 15:33:31

That good news, sort of, wonky!

They wouldn't give dad his medicine, which would have been helpful as mum could get confused. Interesting what they can suddenly do, isn't it.

thesandwich Wed 07-Mar-18 20:52:54

Hello all. So sorry to hear the stories.... this is all so hard.
Pickle Glad you missed me! Glad to hear you are making an effort to do fun things. Vital self care.
Hi baa and name... sorry you have to join us. Rant away. And do put yourselves up the list- really important.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 07-Mar-18 22:20:19

Thanks everyone, DH is sympathetic to a point as he saw me very close to a nervous breakdown with my father in particular so he does get that l am at saturation point with demanding awkwrd to the bone , seemingly never satisfied older relatives but l think even he thinks l am being a bit unreasonable now and ought to just go back to how l was. I always got on really well with her and went round most days but she just peed me off so much and l just feel like lve been pushed over my limit and don't want to go back.
What happened was she asked me take her to an eye appt. She won't listen to what the docs tell her and wont have a cataract operation which is all that could help her (v. stubborn) But still she wants to go every year and be told same thing and then not take their advice. So after this wasted exercise we get outside and l help her walk to my car and leave her on passenger side telling her to wait till l go to drivers side (central locking fob broken) and open the car and then come back round to her. But oh no... as soon as she hears that click she's getting in so starts sliding backwards (quite high veh) and me trying reach across to grab her but she still slid out. She later told my bil when he asked where l was that l was sat on my arse in drivers seat and just left her to it. I only ended up in drivers seat trying to grab her as l wouldn't have got round car in time to catch her.
Then a nurse and porter happened pull up in car space next to us and the nurse checked her over and her and the porter helped get her up (Mil is big lady) The porter then went get a wheelchair as the nurse said she needed checking over as her leg had bent right under her. She grumpily told the porter 'You needn't have bothered' and insisted she just wanted go home.
So she insists on us stopping on way home to get her a crepe bandage at chemist's a d then moans lve got her the wrong one.
I get her home and she announces she has had an accident so l help her to the loo.
We then had week of her being completely unable weight bear and having accidents and having run round doing everything for her 24/7 before l insisted my DH make his mother an appt at the docs and take her there.
The doc organised an xray immediately and said badly sprained etc but no fracture and he organised physio, occy health to visit her and continence nurse visit (been slightly incontinent for years before fall) and an assessment for some home help to help her have a bath/shower etc.
After a few weeks none of these agencies appeared and she was running us ragged so on enquiring at gps were told she'd cancelled them all when they'd phoned her.
I just feel like l. Ight as well bang my head against a brick wall and she makes life as difficult as humanely possible for us (me in particular). She is very controlling l've noticed lately too which l really dislike.

picklemepopcorn Wed 07-Mar-18 22:37:49

Oh humbug, she's made it easy for you there!

Clearly you aren't up to providing the specialist care she needs, as she was injured in your care. What a terrible responsibility. What if it were to happen again? How would you live with yourself. I bet you are struggling to sleep at night, worrying about it. If you worry yourself into your sickbed, you won't be any use to anyone, even in an emergency.

You must never take her out on your own again, as it clearly needs two people to support her and help her should she fall. You can't possibly be responsible for her medical appointments as you've misunderstood on previous visits. After all, you thought that MiL had declined a cataract op and that there was no other treatment.

It's a terrible shame, but she's deteriorated beyond your ability to help.

thanks

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 08-Mar-18 00:15:16

Oh pickle that is so clever. I have already said to DH actually that l don't want to take her anywhere else in my car as she is a liability and he has kind of brushed it off. But next time lm asked take her somewhere (and there will be a next time) lm going to say just that to him and, /or her what you said. He will have to have a day off work or something if he's that worried about her getting a lift. She could actually get picked up by a transport ambulance if she asked the hospital but oh no she'd rather l took her. But seriously we have a very high car and a very low one do neither suitable for her get in or out of safely.

notaflyingmonkey Thu 08-Mar-18 20:06:09

Thanks for the new thread, and wine brew cake flowers for us all.

DM has one remaining friend, having driven all the others away with her rudeness. Her only friend also has dementia and also had a stroke, so I pick her up and take her to visit once a month or so and then leave them to it while I do DMs chores.

However DM's latest obessions is how much she hates this friends husband who she hardly actually knows. Every time i go over to visit, I know it is a matter of time before she launches into how awful he is (he's not) or how useless he is (he's in his 90s and has dibilitating cancer). I try not to engage in the rants, but god help me I know it is just a question of time before she says all this to her friend...

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