Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

hey all just checking in having not seen DM since Sat, when girls and took round flowers and a card. Girls both home from uni, she couldnt be bothered with them. Didnt go yesterday as had ALL inlaws for lunch for Mothers Day. Also tricky as perfect SIL and her perfect children are apples of PIL's eyes, while we are not....

however I have a few nights off coming up - Weds I'm away for work, then next week DH and I are spending 2 nights in DD2's uni town and then I'm away for work again the following Sat. The nights off are what keep me sane!!

too many comments for me to respond to, but I do know how you all feel! The outside world sees a charming old lady, we see the demands and the moans and the problems...

waiting for my copy of The Selfish Pig to arrive, 2nd hand from amazon.

Well my plans of visiting my mum with my boys in their holidays may have to go on hold because Although I have shaken off the worst of my cough with antibiotics I seem to have managed to crack a rib.
Have been told no heavy lifting for at least a month (ha tell that to the toddler) and to take it easy (hahahahaha ow! Laughing hurts)
No way I can drive 600miles on my own with the kids and heft all the crap that I need to take with us for a visit.
Glad I hadn't told mum we were coming as it would have cause as sorts of problems as she really can't cope with plans changing.

oh shit wonky that sounds painful. oth, it does at least mean that you dont have to do that long trip and she will have to manage with local support.

Wonky- sorry to hear about your rib. But it makes the decision for you,doesn’t it? Take care.
Yolo- sorry you weren’t appreciated. And giving up zimmer for lent..... i’m speechless.....

I know it is hard. You may have to accept his autonomy, just as the professionals do.

I spoke to my parents many years ago about when they would want me to intervene if they weren't looking after themselves properly. I got a proper roasting. Never, basically. We'd looked around a bungalow (for sale) which clearly had an elderly owner and was not in a good way. They were adamant that they were adults, would make their own choices, 'we had to stand by and watch when you lived in student hovels' etc.

I ran away......literally.

DM was finally settled and her admin under control. We booked a big and last family holiday which turned out to be a disaster. DD had a serious accident and had to be helicopter evacuated, whilst DH ended up in intensive care. About three months later, rather than return home after visiting DM, and on the spur of the moment, I checked into a cheap hotel, read books, went for long walks along the beach, ate nice food and simply did what I wanted. After about five days DD phoned asking for me to come home, which I did. It was so nice not to be on call.

I've not had to do it again, though often make time to read or do nothing. I am lucky though as DC were late teens and are now at University.

I must be the first to consider the Riviera Hotel off-season as a sanctuary. I negotiated them down to £35per night!

Needmoresleep I've contemplated that too, although as Rockcliffe Hall & spa is just a few miles a way I thought I'd put it on DHs credit card and be damned! It's got close a few times recently.

I think if they are determined to do things no matter how unsuitable they are, if they have mental capacity- you have to let them. Yes it's frustrating but there are limits to what you can do and sometimes you'll reach them. DHs grandfather was like this, we stopped him driving because that could harm others but otherwise had to leave him to his less than wise decisions.

That is really Important actually.

They need to understand that it isn't possible for you to be available at all times.

I was on our local TV news prog tonight, to do with my charity. Visited DM beforehand, wearing the same outfit I had been filmed in, which she said was very nice. Email recieved post broadcast: she didnt see me - I watched the same prog she did and was highly visible. Clearly didnt recognise her own daughter!!!

Bahhhhumbug I think you need to step back and let your husband and the other children take over. It doesn't sound fair on you.

Mum had a fall today with me and is back in hospital. I think she needs a care home. She has been out of hospital less than a week and just seems to yo-yo in and out.

Another one who’d like to run away, although I won’t. We’re back to the suicide threats and horrible outbursts but (as always) obstinate refusal to speak to the GP or do anything else that might change her life for the better.

I don't know how you all tolerate it! and anything else that might make you feel bette4!

Mum said today that she can't wait for the carers to stop coming as she doesn't like having visitors everyday.
I tried to explain that they would probably be coming forever but she didn't really get it and I didn't have the heart to push it.

Sorry to hear about all the struggles. It is so hard. With the carers, I always say until you get better, which helps. Not worth fighting.
and to everyone.

Oh dear, wonky. 'Till you're better' is a good phrase, Sandwich. And 'just a bit longer'. 'Let's think about that later' is one I use a lot too.

for breakfast. Yum!

I really feel now that something has to change. But what? My counsellor says that I can’t change my mother’s behaviour, but I can change my response to it, but that means living with the constant suicide threats, complaints and personal attacks. What to do?

Wear earplugs? Tune it out? You can't make her happy so there is no point trying. Spend your time, effort and attention to something which does make you happy!

What contact do you have with her? Phone? Face to face?

Pickle is right- try and block it out, don’t react/ respond- and protect yourself. Try to apply the Teflon to the shoulders. And do things you enjoy.

Hello. This is my first post so I apologise if I am in the wrong place. I also apologise if from this point on I appear to be a selfish, heartless, whinging person. But at least this gives me an opportunity to write my honest feelings. They may not be right but they are real.
I am a 55 year old male. After 30 years of marriage I live with my mother and am managing her through ever declining health, whilst working.
She is just about mobile, but weak and housebound and has deteriorated in the last year having had 2 falls. We have carers 3 times daily and I get her up,put her to bed and spend all my free time with her. She sleeps most of the day in a reclining chair. If I go away there is always a problem, so now I don’t. My employers are understanding about my necessity for starting later. When help has been needed from the ambulance service, hospital, social services and district nurses they have all been absolutely marvellous. I have a brother locally who helps. I am therefore fortunate.
But it is all so frustrating. Mum doesn’t listen to advice to help her. When her mobility declined she wouldn’t listen (and doesn’t now) to advice to help her. She is absent minded now but I can’t help feeling that she has allowed, for want of a better word, herself to sit and not take an interest in anything. I get little response if I ask her anything and there is just an atmosphere nowadays. I cannot motivate her mentally and it is hard for her to stay awake. Hugely, hugely, hugely, selfishly I feel that my own life at 55 is coming to a halt. I am blessed with good health and love to dance and walk and run. I would like to be able to meet somebody and to treat them beautifully. It may be the odd meal or evening out, but I know this is not possible now. I dread returning home from work to be confronted by this tired shell of my once vivacious mother ( although never an easy person)
I hate the reality of the fact that what I really hope is that she will peacefully fall asleep.
I cannot blame the reader for being shocked at my heartlessness or for thinking that I am just sorry for myself. I just write this because I know they are my true feelings.
Thank you if you have read this far.

Hello, Turismo. I’m a relative newbie here but I’d say don’t be apologetic, as all of us here will find something in your post to which to relate.

You’re right, it is very dispiriting to feel that one is trying to improve the situation of someone who don’t do anything to improve that situation for themselves. Of course, nobody is compelled to accept advice, but when constructive suggestions are brushed aside for no obvious good reason it is frustrating. My technique is not to offer suggestions but, when a problem is mentioned, just to ask “what are you going to do about that?”

Is there anything you can do to carve out some time for yourself? If your mother can’t be left in the house alone, could your brother (or a carer) sit in for an evening (or more) a week so that you can go out? I know it sounds trite, but taking up a hobby or joining a club might be a good way of broadening your social circle. It isn’t selfish to want some escape from the domestic drudgery.

Monica is right!

Sometimes I think we have to get to a point of being miserable before we realise we can't go on that way.

Do a bit of research, find a dance class or other activity you would enjoy. Book your brother to cover you an evening a week.

Let your mum switch off, if that is what she wants. Personally, I think it's ok to be tired and absent minded and withdraw from the world as we age. If her personality has always been very extroverted, she may not know how to be now she has less energy.

We always say here, pace yourself!

Turismo so sorry to read your story. Glad you found this place to say the unsayable.you must have a life for yourself.
Have you got all the financial help you are entitled to? Support from the local carers group? Respitecare? Strongly reccomended needmoresleep suggested read of the selfish pigs guide to caring.
You cannot change your dm. You can only change yourself, and you deserve happiness.