Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

Oh Yolo, that sounds familiar!
I'm home now, slightly sooner than planned, but we'd done all we needed. Nightmare meeting with the accountant, where mum bent her ear about anything and everything...

Long story short, she's got loads of money and should let my husband get on with organising dad's estate instead of second guessing everything he does getting third and fourth opinions, and generally arguing the toss.

phew. Thank you. Nightmare journey on the motorway, too. Very nearly pulled into a hotel and gave up.

glad you are home safe pickle, and glad sooner than planned (for your sanity). hope you can have a lovely peaceful easter long w/e

Not doing great here, DM still in hospital (over 2 months now), still delirious (I get a new name whenever I visit now), pretty much immobile, not eaten in a month, refusing meds and drinks, infections etc etc etc...

Just gets worse whenever I see her, can't see any light at the end of this tunnel right now

Sorry to hear that Lello we are here when you need us.

Try and factor in some self care in amoungst your hospital visits.

So sorry lello. That must be so hard.
Pickle- sounds exasperating. Hi nota and yolo- patience is very much required in this game, along with gin.

Using telecare to keep an eye on mum. We have a couple of motion detectors dotted around the house and the idea is to watch for patterns and judge when to phone or visit . It’s worked fairly well these last few days while dad is in hospital.

lello along that sounds so incredibly stressful. big love to you and yours, and all of us dealing with this.

Lovely lunch today. DD went and got mum and we had the wood burner going and all we could do to make a nice atmosphere. She’s over 10 years into Alzheimer’s and it amazes me she’s doing so well. Dad being in hospital seems to have brought strength out in her.

I did big roast and she ate loads and loads. She’s 87, small and looks frail but happily packs the food away.

Then I walked home with her. Met one of my neighbours on the way and Mum kept up great conversation - doubt the neighbour picked up on dementia. Carer came and we had a big old chat.

Those are lovely times to cherish, along. The telecare sounds great- how much longer will your Dad be in hospital?

Lello, that must be very hard.

Along that’s lovely. Memories for you to cherish. How is everyone doing?
Lello, thinking of you.monica, wonky, needmoresleep, nota, and anyone i’ve Missed, how are you?

I only have a positive update to share. My dm, having decided as a family that we should stop giving her one of the newer heart drugs that she had been prescribed since September, has made an incredible improvement. From taking up to 1/2 hr to help her up the stairs, she’s now like Usain Bolt! She’s joining in conversations, started knitting and reading again. Totally amazing.
Hope that you and yours are all having better times. 💐🍰

Its hard. Dad is pretty sick in hospital. Mum’s dementia means we have to explain it to her every day

We have 3 1hr carer visits per day. The agency are fab and it’s largely done by 3 carers we know very well

I’ve taken an attorney decision to pay DD2 to help out a bit more. Seeing mum onto the day centre transport and being there when she comes back

Always, that is great news! Drugs can be such complex things. MIL had severe health issues for years that were caused as much by the interaction of the drugs as the initial condition.

Long it is hard. At least you have a successful, working support system.

My mum seems to be making a real effort. I don't know if someone has had a word with her. She seems to be taking responsibility for her relationships, rather than expecting everyone else to do the running.

Great to hear positive stories. I do th8nk it’s been a long hard winter for the elderlies and us- and some signs of spring do help.
Along that’s good that you have a good system.

I need to vent. My mum and I have never had the best relationship, and whilst I do things out of obligation, I am really at the end of my tether with her. She is suspicious of me, and thinks that I take control of things without informing her. For example, I took her to have some skin cancer removed a few weeks ago. The district nurses have been coming out to dress the wound, and she 'found out' today that it had been cancer. Except she didn't just find out, she went to multiple medical appointments etc which I took her to. But each time the district nurse tells her this she gets upset and blames me for keeping this from her. She is rude to me, and rude to me about my husband (eg for going over to put up a new washing line for her). She tells me how lovely her carers are to her, how lovely the district nurse is to her, etc. The person that isn't lovely to her is me. I just don't have it in me.

I'm tired, I'm sick of having the deal with everything for her and just get criticism. I was trying to put a picture up for her today i her tiny bathroom, she was stood right behind me criticising the way I was doing it. I had to stop in the end before I lost my rag. I'm 54, have a responsible job, and she never stops letting me know how cack handed she thinks I am at everything.

@notaflyingmonkey I have no answer - you and me have the same mother!

I have had to get my mine into a residential setting recently (long story, fall, hospital, dementia, unable to return home) and I'm trying so hard to do the right thing. To everyone else, she presents as "a joy" "so lovely" "absolute pleasure" and masks her illnesses very well. But to me, she tells me I have decided her end, I am going behind her back to keep her locked up, I am spending her money, I am stopping her doing everything and anything! She may be well enough to move to some sort of assisted living (waiting assessment) and i am continuously on the phone/emails etc trying to seek alternatives for her. I don't sleep because of the anxiety about it all, I feel guilt and so ill about it all.

It's so bloody hard! to you as try too.

Thank you @mumisaworry for being kind. And yes, I think we have the same mother. My biggest concern at the moment is the toll of it all on my mental and physical health, and my fear that she will outlive me.

May I pop in here and rant? My mother has end stage cancer - multiple mets and looking at a couple of weeks. They live in a foreign country with no NHS equivalent and no medical insurance. The cancer treatments have pretty much bankrupted them. ANyway, last week she fell in night and hurt her leg - pulled a muscle or groin strain or something. Nothing broken.

Dsis is over there and advocating, on the advice of the osteopath (not the GP) , arnica and cannabis oil for pain relief. ANd dad wants her on dandelion tea because hes read somewhere that its a cure for cancer. SHe is 76.

Ive suggested a course of leeches and some snake oil. Or maybe codeine, morphine, diclophenic - you know, something scientific from the 21st century.

Im thousands of miles away and mum is in acute pain when moved. Im thinking, given that she sleeps 21 hours a day, that they should stop moving her in and out of bed and leave her be. make her comfy and warm and just let her rest.

Its so frustrating.

Dad decided that the hospice, which can take up to 3 weeks to process details, was going to take too long so never sent in the forms. He is elderly and cannot lift mum. He's getting a night nurse in next week, but no idea how he thinks he will cope with her in the daytime.

I want to scream in frustration because neither of them seem to want to accept that she is dying and they should do everything they can to keep her comfortable and maintain her dignity.

Hi nota and Mum- and sorry to hear your story Vast. It is so hard to sit on your hands and watch these things unfold and feel helpless. Rant away.
Nota and Mum...... I hear you!! Having had a week away- interrupted by texts from one carer on non urgent stuff I felt no escape at all. On return, numerous jobs/ appointments and as for the £&#@#@ bins....... dB visited her yesterday, left her with no milk, so had to do shopping and visit today... tv was on the blink, they did something.... tv now #£&@ so had to visit again with dh and will need to replace it tomoz..... and there are more tasks to do this week....... argh.... plus v little gratitude to me but dB is goldenballs......

I hear you - Dsis is goldenchild, can do no wrong, knows everything and nothing. SHe is into homeopathy and wont let mum have voltarol because of drug interactions she read on the internet. My DD is a pharm assistant and suggested different drugs but oh no, my totally unqualified Dsis knows best. Have they consulted the GP? Nope....

I take the view that mum is weeks from death and so whatever she needs wont cause any more harm than the cancer that will kill her very soon.

Now apparently I have upset the golden child. My bad. So she is badmouthing me left right and centre. I'm kind of done with it all. I was NC with my family for years, and only recently went over to help after the diagnosis. Now Im wondering why I bothered.

Nota, mum and Sandwich! How can we all share a mother?! Mine is so frustrating, control freak but actually needs assistance. She is improving though, so I shouldn't complain. I think without having my dad to complain to, she's beginning to actually think about what she does.

Vast, that must be inuriating. I had similar. DB worrying about the effect of too many steroids, mum withholding painkillers because 'he doesn't look like he's in pain' etc. I could only keep telling myself that the outcome was unavoidable, however fast and loose they played with his drugs, so it didn't really matter.

Vast, just let them get on with it. Your mum chose to allow this situation to arise by indulging DSis and DH. You can't fight against everybody.

I hear you all... it's all so bloody draining isnt it?

Went to see DM tonight (didnt go last night as friends staying). She is planning to pay upfront for her funeral, as she doesnt want me and DB seeing her go to a pauper's grave(!). Anyway, having previously said she didnt want to be buried by the Co-op, she now thinks they could be a good option as "they advertise in the Royal Navy magazine".

Hello, everyone. Someone was kind enough to ask how I was doing. Not well, frankly. I’ve been unwell recently and now my mother is trying to involve me in the blazing row she’s had with sibling’s partner. She’s making accusations and threats which, if she carries them out, will probably mean that relationships will never recover. I’m too tired to weep.

Best wishes to all those going through their own struggles.

Monica

I got both barrels a couple of years ago, when DM said I was disloyal for not backing them up in an entirely unnecessary fall out with my DSis. I worked really hard at maintaining a relationship with both, but apparently I should have cut DSis and family off.

You can't win. So please yourself!

Thank you for the . I love !

She did momentarily turn her ire on me - by deliberately distorting what I’d said - but I dusted off my Teflon shoulders again.