Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

That's the way to do it. Teflon shoulders.

I've built a sort of a barricade around myself. She is so unreasonable that her opinions no longer matter, IYSWIM. Doesn't stop me getting frustrated, but I rarely get upset anymore.

My darling aunty, my DMs big sister, is more mother to me than my own ever was. Anyway, she is getting on at 86, and continuously changing her will - writing people in and out for various transgressions. I just know that this will bite me in the arse as I am co-executor of the will and she has just written my sister out. I keep telling her to leave it to the cats home if necessary.

I just know that my sister and various other family members will somehow turn this around to be my fault.... sigh.

Argh, TheVastMajority, sounds as if you too need to construct a barricade. Mine is still a work in progress, but PickleMePopcorn is quite right here.

for anyone in need

More from me too. Sorry it’s so 💩. Here’s to building barricades.

Hi all.

I'm a bit of a lurker on this board but would now appreciate any advice you can offer.

MiL is 92 and in a nursing home. She had a bad stroke 5 years ago and has gradually been deteriorating since and it has now got to the point that she is so weak she cant stand or do anything other than lie in bed or get hoisted out into a wheel chair.
She is however, generally pretty good mentally so obviously is finding this incredibly frustrating and has become severely depressed. She is on anti-depressants but is still in a pretty bad state. She is getting increasingly nasty to the carers and to DH and his brother who between them visit almost every day. No one likes to visit any more and the carers are obviously finding it hard - she screams at them when they try and move her and tries to hit out (luckily as she is weak, this is fairly ineffectual). She was such a lovely woman before all this .

So, we wondered whether counselling might help. Has anyone made use of counselling services for elderly relatives? MiL would probably hate the idea to start with but I'm wondering whether having an independent person with time to talk to her, might be of benefit.

That is so difficult for you all!

I have no direct experience, but have you asked about increasing her pain relief? I know they can be reluctant because of side effects, but surely she needs it. It's a least worst option.

Hi shadow. That sounds really hard. Pain relief as pickle says couldn’t help- no experience of counselling in such a case but perhaps worth looking at the bacp website and contact some therapists? Or would someone just to visit and chat be of value? Crossroads/ age uk etc?
Could counsellinghelp your dh?

Thanks popcorn and sandwich (strange theme to the those nicknames!).
I've had an informal talk with a local counsellor and she sounds quite encouraging - certainly done that sort of work before.

It'll just be difficult convincing MiL to agree to it.

Would the counsellor be prepared to in for a “chat” first to see if mil is up to talk? A bit of subterfuge might help!!
How is everyone?
Monica, nota, always, yolo, needmoresleep, turismo, and everyone i’ve forgotten?
Latest from dm who I took for hosp appointment on Sunday and called this evening to take her out for another appt and tea tomorrow... “hello stranger”....... more Teflon please!!!!

She went a whole day with no contact from you?! How neglected she is!

Mine is very up and down, unsurprisingly. She's irritated with me because DH and me booked a holiday and sent her a link to see if she wanted to do the same one. She's cross because she doesn't. We booked it because it was cheap, on a date that we could manage around kids exams etc.

She needs an op at some point, but won't be able to manage on her own after it. I've said she can come and stay with us, and even have it done in our area. Something to look forward too!!!

Oh @picklemepopcorn - make sure you're well stocked with if she comes to stay!

Up and down here too. Is it awful I've not been to visit for almost a week (due to other circumstances) and this afternoon when I was free, I've chosen to sit in the sun...

I'll go tomorrow

I wanted to share 2 bits of good news. One that my DM has just been awarded the Attendance Allowance. A painstaking process to fill in but well worth it. Thanks I think especially to Needmoresleep 's info back in November as I didn't know it existed.
Two that my DF took my DM out to lunch in the sunshine at a pub yesterday. First time that they have been out on their own without help for about 6 mths.

Always that’s great news. I think this long cold dark winter has been really tough on the elderlies.
Pickle and Mum..... it’s hard isn’t it. But don’t feel guilty about sitting in the sun. Whatever we do will never be enough.

Oh that's lovely, always! I bet that will give them a bit of a confidence boost.

@alwaysonthepiste Snap - my notification from DWP came through today too!

I have read this part of the Forum backwards forwards and sideways and have had so much help with various issues over this last three months when things have been particularly tough.

My very elderly mum has narrowly missed shuffling off this mortal coil, after severe haematemesis, aspiration pneumonia, and then to cap it all, she caught the flu and ended up in an isolation ward, but after a spell in a reablement home she has now returned home.

Mum is 94, no longer very mobile and resigned to never setting foot outside again (we are fitting a French door in her living room so she can at least sit by the open door and totter into the garden accompanied)We have suggested a rollator- nope, we have even suggested a turn round the block in a wheelchair. NOPE.

I have set up her entire care package and have worked my blooming socks off to provide her with the care she needs and will tolerate.Polishes halo. I am one of four and two of us are visiting weekly at the moment, one maybe monthly if she can bear it and the eldest sister lives 5 mins away so calls in twice a week. All of my sisters have let me be as I have negotiated the care package and all three in their own way are very, very lovingly supportive of me, which is frankly a miracle since we have been fractious and full of factions since time immemorial.Mum is something of a narcissist.

Now to my question. Mum is reasonably OK to handle, she's very much back to "normal" which means she's somewhat belligerent and confrontational. She will argue black is white and cannot bear it if we disagree with her. So, same old same old.

Except yesterday I came across her "confabulating" very overtly. I had taken her dog to the vet's for a check up. Pup now gets daily walks because I told mum she couldn't have her back home unless she employed a dog walker and she complied. Pup is looking fabulous and is also having her daily meds now (mum was "forgetting" to renew her prescription which was making Pup very itchy scratchy. Mum's forgetting was very likely to do with the cost of Pup's meds. Mum behaves as if she is in penury. This could not be further from the truth)

So on the phone yesterday she said "I hope you told L(the vet) that I was walking Pup daily until the end of last year" Well mum, no I didn't because you haven't walked her daily for about 18 months. Cue panto style oh yes I did, oh no you didn't , OH YES I DID, no you blinking didn't.

Now all my reading round tells me I should have let her think what she wants so why oh why does that stick in my craw? Is it because I want her to be who she used to be? How has anyone dealt with this in their relationships with the deteriorating elderlies?

My DM rewrites history constantly. As does DSis, actually. I think it's a personality trait that just becomes more obvious with time. In my sister, it was a vague, wishful short of forgetfulness about any part of the past she didn't like. Now it's progressed to active rewriting.

My mum has always rewritten according to what suits her/makes her look good etc. I just answer very vaguely. 'Oh did you? I don't really remember.'

Infuriating.

You and your sibs are doing really well, and your mum is very lucky! Keep polishing that halo, it suits you!

I’m a lurker too.
I’ve started to grieve for the end that is coming to my mum. She’s declining with great dignity but every week brings more pain, more drug interactions, less mobility.
I’m an only child so don’t have siblings to share the care but she does live 5 minutes walk from me which is a blessing.

She did make me laugh this week. She texts every morning to let me know she made it through the night. One morning there was no text. I sent an exploratory ‘Hello?’
She replied with ‘I was so excited about the sunshine I forgot I was still alive.’

She used to be a cold, unemotional woman, she’s definitely mellowed thank goodness. It must be very draining to be nursing difficult people.

That's a lovely story, velvet bee!

I have had a tricky old relationship with mum over the years, mainly because I am Golden girl and when I married 20 years ago(2nd marriage at the ripe old age of 41) I had to loosen the hold she had on me. I only succeeded in disentangling about 8 years ago and mum is mad as a snake with my husband (and therapist!) as a consequence.

I love the barricade reference above. I am having to build mine high and toughen up. I live a three hundred mile round trip away, we have livestock and three cats whom we do not want to leave overnight so we plough weekly up and down the M6. I have already told mother that when the care plan is settled we will be coming monthly. She was apoplectic and actually made me quite ill as a consequence of the wailing and shouting (I have a long term illness exacerbated by stress)

I meant to say, yes Velvet bee that is such a sweet story. My mum is just delightful when she's ever so poorly, sweet and loving and gentle. When she's well she becomes much more her normal self...........
Thanks for the support Pickle. It feels good to be validated.

So I posted dad had broken his hip. This is on top of neuropathy and he hasn’t regained mobility. All very confusing - he and the physiotherapists on the ward kept saying he was walking but OT came to parents’ house for an access visit and she broke the news that he wasn’t walking at all. We were keen to get him home but they ended up concluding it would need a gantry ramp - mum hated that. Plus every day on the ward was making him more confused and miserable. So he went to a nursing home end of last week. I had felt for a while that he’s keen to be looked after. Had enough of struggling. He’s settling in well and looking better.

Now trying to figure out what to do for mum. She has advanced Alzheimer’s and pretty good physical health. She goes to a dementia day centre 5-6 days a week and that does her a ton of good.

We live very close and if necessary, me and Dd could move in with her but I’m not sure. Not keen to bring her to us as she deteriorates fast away from home. Carers offer a sleeping in service and her favourite carer is happy to do some shifts.

They were happily married 57 years

That is so sad.

My dad improved enormously on being admitted to full time care, albeit in a hospice. He liked being at home, but he needed the consistent care from professionals. I think he understood that, and was happy there.

I've no advice re your mum, except maybe try things and see? Perhaps stay over a couple of nights a week. I don't think I'd move in- it is quite exhausting and I would think you'd need your own space to recuperate.

Try and look at it positively, if you can. They've had a lovely long time together, your dad is being well looked after, etc.

Does anyone find the lonely elderly tend to want attention from people who won't give it? Mum always calls my sister or brother, and complains about the grandchildren not being attentive. She doesn't call me, she waits for me to call her.

I'm probably golden child, if there is one, I think she find me easiest to get along with. But it's my sister she hassles, and to a lesser extent my brother.

Velvet what a lovely story. Along- so sorry about your dad. Do you think he may regain mobility? Being looked after and feeling safe must help. I would strongly caution about moving in with dm...... see if you can get other care in place. You have your own life too.
Pickle- good to hear you are the golden child! Yes dm want attention from my v distant brother.... many of us on here are part of the furniture......