Caring for elderly relatives? Pop in for support, a hand hold, advice, whatever you need.

[picklemepopcorn]

Carrying on from previous thread, IF I can work out how to link...

Come and offload your worries and frustration here, and share your experience and hard won wisdom with the rest of us!

I've posted before, and have been amazed (I shouldn't be though) at how many other people have been going through the same as me.
My mother fell six months ago, fracture, hospital, bed blocked, home carers etc etc, desperately clutching onto independence etc etc.
She finally said she wanted to go into a new care home nearby and is very happy.
I've now got POA and I'm selling her house to pay for the care fees. I had no idea how complicated it is to sort out the finance aspect of POA with the bank etc. And solicitors charge £45 to stamp and sign 15 sheets of paper!
💐💐 and 🍸🍸to all.

Thank you for your responses.
On balance I really should count my blessings in fairness. It’s not a crime to be old and I am in good health. So many people deal on a daily basis with huge difficulties. In essence it is probably my guilt that causes me to write. When mum goes will my grief be for her or for myself at feeling a sense of relief? I really don’t want her to go into a home and the delaying of that for as long as possible should be (and is) the main priority) Men should be tougher about these things but well I’m not!
I have two excellent grown up children whom I love dearly and am loved in return. Reading my own words back on here and your comments help me to put things in perspective. Thank you for reading my ramblings.

Hi @turismo if your mum can manage while you are out at work, then she can manage while you go out dancing. You mustn't put your life on hold because of her inability to interact with the world, otherwise this could go on for the next 10-20 years. Make the change now while you still can.

My mum refused to go back to a couple of day centres I lined up for her, so I told her that was that. If she refused to cooperate with things that got her out of the house without reliance on me, that she could stay at home 24/7, but that I wasn't going to hear a word of complaint. Tough love, but I was exhausted.

Have you claimed Attendance Allowance? Being able to use that to pay for someone else to do some of the chores like the garden made a real difference to me.

this is so wrong: I have THREE nights off!!! and I am practically dancing with glee. Going away with DH to see DD2 at her lovely seaside uni town, we will eat, drink, be merry and do touristy stuff and I wont have to be NICE!!
In other news, she phoned up DWP today to ask about extra allowances "now that I no longer drive, have to take taxis, have carers and am housebound" They were all very nice to her, but I fear there will be no extra money for a really rather well-off old lady.

Turismo: yes you cant put your life on hold and nota has a really good point about her managing while you go to work. even if you used eg attendance allowance for a 'babysitter' once or twice a week if your brother couldnt step up twice it would give you some breathing space.

Turismo- who says men should be tough? And hope you take the advice here. You have a right to be happy.
Yolo- enjoy!!!!! And don’t feel guilty. Consider it essential Teflon maintenance.

Thank you for taking the time to read and to reply.
I don’t find domestic chores a challenge or boring. It’s just the where is this going thoughts all the time and the associated frustration. I have put the relevant monies in place and we are fortunate financially. It is very kind of you to write and I think that I must manage myself and my inner self to manage the situation in a better manner.

Thank you and mumsnet too for allowing me to put my thoughts and insecurities into writing. What an old whimp I must appear!

Turismo you are not a wimp! Just voicing what so many of us feel. No wimps here but lots of competent, successful, people who are finding the world of dealing with elderlies challenging beyond anything they have ever dealt with- and knowing that decline is inevitable. And here we can rage, complain and share the frustrations and pain of caring, and the fear,obligation and guilt that comes with it. Do not forget you deserve joy and happiness too.b

Turismo, don't forget that you will have been grieving for the person your mother was for quite a while.

So when she passes it is fine to feel relief, both for you and her, and also pride that you rose to the challenge of caring. Many many people don't manage to. And to finally celebrate the person she was.

Old age is hard. Make time and space for yourself and get help where you can.

Thank you for your very kind replies. My best wishes.

Morning everybody! I'm off to spend a week with Mum tomorrow, to help her sort out Dad's affairs. She's doing remarkably well, learning how to be independent.

I prescribe relaxing massages for everyone, and plentiful cups of tea. Self care underpins everything else.

Pickle, can I slip a good supply of and plus a hefty supply of Teflon for the shouldersinto your bag? Take care.

Wonderful, thank you. You've been peeking at my packing, haven't you? Seen my survival stash of crisps and chocolate?

My ears are ringing. I've been with her from 10am until now, in the car or in a shop. She hasn't stopped talking the entire time.

Time to crack open that

thanks sandwich. Hic. Night all!

Well, it's all going as expected here. I've been told off for not telling her things I told her and also emailed to her. Apparently she couldn't possibly be expected to know because she hadn't opened the emails and was stressed when I told her. She isn't interested in my query about how I'm supposed to know what she hasn't read/listened to?

Thanks for the Teflon (and the gin) Sandwich- boy is it gett8ng some use!

pickle you are a bloody hero - did you say you are there for a week? you did, didn't you... I can cope with max 45 mins of DM most nights of the week (unless I am away) and then have to leave and have 3 cigs on the 2 min walk home. Big respec' girl, keep on the whatever gets you through the night (and day).

Extra supplies pickle on their way! seriously can you escape for a bit for a coffee/ walk? You’re definitely in line for that look after yourself.

Dad fell yesterday and fractured his hip. He hadn’t been great for the last week and we were kind of waiting for something to happen. He’s in hospital - surgery tomorrow

Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s. They were together at lunch club when he fell and I do think it’s merciful she has forgotten the specifics . Carers and lunch club all being lovely and stepping up with offers of help. Mum went to evening classes all her life and did yoga till her mid-70s. She’s got in her head that the lunch club is an exercise class so she’s very up for keeping on going while he’s away

We know the council OT team already so I’ve emailed to ask if they would come and review the house in preparation for his discharge. No idea if their protocols allow for that but seems worth a go.

Grateful for any other experience

Along- I’m sorry, as you say it’s waiting for the next thing.
So glad the carers are stepping up- as you say, trying to keep routine for your Mum is vital. No info re OT- except I have always found them really responsive and helpful, especially If it means that your dad can be discharged. Is there a discharge team you can speak to at the hospital? Good luck.

It sounds as though you have everything in hand, Along. It's good your mum appreciates routine, and wants to keep up her usual activity. It makes it easier for everyone, I think, because more people are involved that way.

As for me, well, yes we escaped yesterday afternoon for a short walk and half a pint. Much appreciated.

Thanks for the supplies and the sympathy! All gratefully received!

I've seen my mum two weekends in a row. She was rude but happy. The day she stops her barbed comments will be the day I know she has gone. Still another small deterioration. She can now barely sign her name. Its slow, really slow, as she has been living with disabling memory loss for a decade, but we are losing her. The saddest is that she does not know her grandchildren so cannot take pleasure in the progress they are making towards their own independent futures.

Glad to hear about the walk and half pickle!
Needmoresleep, that’s so hard but as you say she is still herself in some ways. I hope you are having treats for you too.
Along, hope things are going as well as possible.
We are currently on holiday but still have arrangements to make for dm..... and breathe!!

how is everyone doing? sending all strength. just back from DM, fuck it's like talking to eeyore... she'd spent 3 hours trying to do a waitrose online shop and failed; I spent 30 mins reloading and then she decided not to bother, she will get Andy the Taxi to take her tomorrow (good luck Andy). My nephew offered to visit for day over easter with wife and baby - she told him no because traffic/day trippers would be awful (but complains of loneliness). THEN she announced that my SIL has to have chemo again. Which is awful, but kind of up there above the failed waitrose shop?? And clearly she has my darling SIL in her grave already when in fact that may not be the case.... for us all.