For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Saz345

My Mum is the same as me, she’s carrying on each day because she’s waking up each day (if that makes sense) but for no other reason. She’s so low without my Dad and she’s struggling like I am, although I imagine it’s much harder for my mum as she was married to my Dad and lived with him for 47 years. She’s seeing her sister once a weekend will get together with a friend for a coffee, and she still spends lots of time with us. My oldest son still stays there on a night time, although he goes away with school on a two night residential next week, so it’ll be the first time my Mum has stayed over night on her own. My sister…. Where do I start? Nope, no change. She hasn’t spoken to me since the funeral. I sent her a letter about 4 weeks ago and still nothing. She has also very sadly not been much support to my mum. She hasn’t been to see her since just free the funeral as well. She rings my mum maybe once every 2-3 weeks but never talks about Dad. I’m finding it very strange and it’s very hurtful. I have lost my sister as well.
We still have to organise the stone for my Dad and that will be going down hopefully I August but me and mum putting our heads together trying to think of ‘wording’ for my Dad’s headstone… it’s just not something I ever thought I’d be doing anytime soon.
Some days I’m ok, some days I feel desperately low and cry a lot, this last two weeks I have felt very down about it. I just miss Dad so much. I just still can’t believe it’s happened. Do you still have that feeling of shock and disbelief? It scares me sometimes as I don’t feel like I’m ver further on from when it happened at the end of September.
When you say about feeling ‘something’, I do know what you mean, for a wile I get so numb and even at the funeral I was numb. I think that must just be shock and disbelief that it’s really happening. A few people have said to me, or keep saying counselling but I really don’t know how it would help me. I talk about Dad all day to my husband and the kids, we all talk about him but it just hurts to think too deeply. I have to stop myself. Xx

Hi everyone, sorry to read so much more sadness.

@LucyintheSky21 I still read your posts and feel like I could have written them. I’ve been shopping for dads grave too, I went blank when asked what I want written on it. I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to plan a grave, I want to go to his house and see his face light up when his grandkids run to him, I want him to see him lovingly cuddle my mum even after 47 years together. It’s so so sad.
This week is our “anniversary”; I don’t know how we’ve got here. I have a week of this time last year dad - and I sat together and he got told he was terminal/ went downhill overnight/ stopped eating/ spoke his last words/ had a priest round after which I screamed into pillows until I exhausted myself.
Grief is such a physical and mental pain, my heart has never felt pain like it. Sending hugs and strength to you all.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Good morning, how are you holding up with everything? Some days I do feel like posting on here but stop myself because I think that I must sound like a stuck record at times. I don’t seem to have moved on at all with how I feel. I still feel the deep sadness, I still feel in total shock at losing my Dad and I still pretend to myself that he’s still here and come back soon.
What day is your anniversary? I think when something happens like this it tarnishes all the special occasions. It’s like Mother’s Day, which I know might sound strange. I’m feeling low about that even though my Mum is here for it, but because we’re going for a meal just the ‘five’ of us and without my Dad. We went for a walk yesterday to a park and took my mum and it’s so so strange without my Dad walking with us. I can’t get used to it or accept it. I feel like I need him to come back so badly for all of us. All the things you say too resonate with me too. When we go to my mum and Dad’s house on a weekend the boys would run to my Dad and he’s be so happy to see them both.
Re the stone, my mum and I met with the undertaker and he has ordered the stone. We only got as far as choosing the colour and if upright or not and the colour of the writing, but we can’t even bare to talk about the wording. If I bring it up with my mum, she can’t bare to talk about it. My sister still isn’t talking to me. It’s just such a strange and awful life without my Dad, and I can’t get used to it, and I don’t want to. My husband’s mum and Dad are celebrating their 50th year wedding anniversary this summer and I feel so angry that my mum and dad got so close and then to take Dad from us at 47 years of marriage for my mum and dad. It’s breaking us as a family him not being there. We try to stick together with my mum, but the whole or the gap is so big and not fill-able xx The physical screams into your pillow I can also resonate with. You could be me xx

@LucyintheSky21 I know what you mean about feeling like a broken record, every day is Groundhog Day and we are reliving it all over again. And yes, life is quite frankly shit without them. Dads anniversary is on Sunday and this morning I woke up at the time that he died and haven’t been able to settle, I have a feeling this will be all week. Like you say, Mother’s Day there will be a big hole. Dad would always tell me how lucky my sister and I were to have a mum like ours (not that my sister ever understood that) and how proud he was of me and the mum that I became. Even last year when Mother’s Day was the week before and he was literally on his death bed, he made sure I got her a card and flowers and a gift. He was so kind and thoughtful. It sounds horrible to say but a part of mum left when dad did. She’s aged ten years and is a shell of the happy, bubbly lady she was. She’s now frail and skinny and I hate that I can’t make her better. I hope today is a better day for you. I’ve typed that sentence and changed it three times; I want to wish you a good day, a peaceful one that you’re not hurting but I know that can’t happen at the moment ☹️

Reading through everyone comments. Helps me to know that the feelings I have are normal. I lost my dad 14 months ago. He went down hill very quickly. We were unfortunately unable to visit him for his last few months if his life due to covid restrictions . Which is sad but try and say to myself I didn’t do anything wrong. My mum just about coping in her own home she got support from carers and me visiting 3 times a week. I am trying to cope the best I can.
As time goes on it is becoming easier. You begin to function better. Look forward to your life. Appreciate the simple things. I found I didn’t have much energy as mentally had drained me. Didn’t help as 12 months before my mother in law had died. My husband decided that we should move. Dad went into hospital 2 days before we moved. I moved in with mum. That was a dark time looking back. But now gradually I feel more like myself. Best thing I did was join a sports club , walking group recently. Do think excersize and getting out helps. We all grieve in our own way. I think it wil hit me more when my mum goes.
Early in I could only think of dad how he was at the end. But know I slowly remember him as he was. At first I found it hard to look at a photo. As time goes by it becomes easier. They still with us looking over us.
Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect to much early on. Take one day at a time.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - Thank you for your kind words, I’m just actually on the way to the cemetery to sit and talk to my Dad. I’ve been going every Monday on my own while my two boys are at school. It’s the most surreal experience though, sitting and looking at a mound of soil and talking down to it to have a conversation with my Dad. It’s not something that brings me comfort yet, I don’t know if it ever will. Even when the stone is down, will it ever feel like it’s really happened? I can’t explain it, I saw my Dad that day on Friday 24th September, not even 6 months ago and I held his hand with my mum and sister and we watched him go. I type the words even now and I still don’t believe it’s happened. I feel like I was playing a part in a film or a soap and that it wasn’t really my Dad. My Dad was meant to be here for years to come.
What you just said in your last message about your mum. It’s a shame we can’t get them together for a coffee. My mum is a shell of her former self as well. We went out yesterday to a park not too far away with my mum and my husband and my two boys and me and my husband said this yesterday when we came back, that mum is not even half the person she was. She is like she’s missing a part of herself. Walking round with us at the park and she should have my Dad by her side. It kills me. I’m so angry he’s not here and he’s been taken. Will the anger ever go? My mum’s bday is in June and it’s her 70th, that’s meant to be a special bday and how can it be anything other than shit without Dad? It can’t be. What you said is right, my mum like yours has aged too. I watched her walking in the park yesterday and I felt that. She seems to walk slower. She’s lost. A part of her died that day too. It’s just so unfair he’s not here. It’s brutally unfair and it makes no sense.
I’m not far from the cemetery where I’ll sit for a while and tell Dad all the things we’ve been doing and how crap it all is without him. My oldest son goes on his first residential on Weds with school for two night and my Dad would have been really excited for him.
I wish you a better day as well. How often do you see your mum? What’s the situation with your sister, I remember you saying something about her not stepping up like you have and that it has all been left to you. Is it still like that? I remember because I was thinking how similar our situations are. Our mum’s and dad’s being married 47 years etc. My sister hasn’t spoken to me or my two boys since the night of the funeral and has gone no contact with us. At a time like this.
I wish I could take the pain from my mum like you say and make her better but we won’t ever be better. xx

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted on here for a while, although I have been following the thread.

It is just over 4 months now since I lost my 70 year old mum to bowel cancer.

@LucyintheSky21 - my parents were also married for 47 years, so must have got married the same year. My dad is much older than mum (83), but has various health problems so I worry about losing him constantly now too. I have never left home or had my own family so once he has gone I will be alone apart from a few extended family members. I feel similar to a partner or a young child who has lost their mum in some ways as I was so dependent on her and still lived with her. I foolishly rejected other friendships as I was so confident I would have her until I was quite old myself.

I have tried various things to try and help me - counselling, anti-depressants etc, but nothing really has. Some days are slightly less bad than others, but I have been feeling very anxious the last few days. I have made an appointment to see the local vicar in the hope that this will at least give me some comfort that I will see mum again. Has anyone else done this?

I have still not managed to get back to work, which I know mum would have been disappointed about and her biggest worry was what would happen to me, which I feel guilty about. The problem is my job is very stressful (although manageable while mum was here). I have been desperately searching for something to make me feel better and have considered all sorts - volunteering, moving back to mum’s home time where I also spent my childhood and would be closer to mum’s family, going away on holiday, and I still can’t come up with an answer. I know people say it is just time that helps, but it is hard to see at the moment. I didn’t think I would be facing this for another 15-20 years.

Sorry, that should say “mum’s home town”

@Poppy04

So sorry for you losing your Mum. It’s 5 months for me since Iost my Dad, well will be 6 months soon on the 24th of the month. And yes, our parents will have been married the same year. 1974 my mum and Dad got married, so it’ll be the same year as your mum and Dad. Like you losing your mum at only 70, Dad was 75. I too thought we’d have another maybe 15 years of life left with my Dad. Life is cruel and unfair.
In answer to your question, I’m not religious and haven’t been to see anyone like that. I do however believe that my Dad is with me and I feel very much like he’s still here with us, if that makes sense. And I 100% feel that we will be together again.
It is very tough going for you as well because you lived with your mum and must have been very close. Do you have much support in real life, other family members and what about friends? How is your Dad coping? It is very early days for us, the first two years I’ve heard are the hardest although I don’t believe you ever get over it. I think you carry the pain with you but I imagine that you learn to cope with it better. That’s what I’ve read anyway and what I’ve heard. I’ve just been to the cemetery to sit and talk to my Dad. I do this once a week. I can’t suggest anything that might help because I haven’t had any counselling or been to the doctor for anti-depressants. I’ve tried to avoid it so far. When I’m feeling very low I tend to take myself out for a walk. I wouldn’t worry about rushing back to work if you don’t feel ready. Is it something you could try but then if you feel you’re not ready, put back a bit?

@LucyintheSky

We have a few family members who live close by, who have been very good and I have recently been in contact with my cousin, who I lost touch with over the years. We plan to meet up when I feel ready. Yes my mum and I were very close (dad says too close) so I never really felt the need for other friendships/relationships, so feel I am paying the price now as I feel very lonely. Even my mum used to say “I won’t be here forever” and thought I should make more effort with people, but I just used to brush it off. As I said, I expected I would have her until my late 50s/60s, which I suppose was naive, as her own mum died at 72. For some reason I always thought she would take after her dad, who was 88 when he died (I think she did too).

My dad isn’t coping very well either, but bottles it up and gets angry with me a lot of the time when I cry, but I know this is because he is also so worried that I won’t be able to cope when he has gone.

I am going to try and go out walking more now the weather is getting better (my counsellor suggested it).

I will have to make a decision about work before too much longer. I get the impression they are getting fed up with me now.

@Poppy04 -

Whereabouts are you if you don’t mind me asking? The reason I ask is because I have mentioned a few times on here about how lovely it would be to have a meet up group for those of us on here who it is possible to and who would like to. I just thought if people didn’t live too far away that a meet up for a coffee and to talk through what we are all going through would have been a really good thing, as we are all going through the same. Geographically it probably wouldn’t work, I just thought it was a nice idea. I am very close to my mum and have always been, and I’m her main support now. I have a sister who has been zero support and seems to have gone very distant with my mum, and isn’t speaking to me at all. I do have a husband though and two boys who help because I have no choice but to carry on for them. The friends I have are good, but I don’t think unless they are friends who have been through the same or lost someone close like mum or dad that they really understand. I have some friends who barely mention it now to me, it’s like it was 5/6 months ago now and I should be over it. And obviously this isn’t the case, if anything it does get harder I’m finding.
I am 40 and I too expected to be in my 50’s when I lost either mum or Dad. It’s so very hard. I try to get out for a walk whenever I feel really low about Dad. It doesn’t make me feel good but it takes the edge off things if I’m just stuck in the house so I do it to get some fresh air and some exercise and just to clear my head really. Also reading is a good distraction. Someone on here recommended a good book actually, I’ll try and look back on the posts and see what it was.

@LucyintheSky21

I am in Newcastle (not sure how far that is from you). We used to live down south near Watford (where mum is from), but moved up here 30 years ago for dad’s work. I have been wondering recently whether I would feel better moving back down there to be closer to mum’s remaining family etc. Dad’s family up here have been very good, but obviously didn’t have the same closeness to mum as her family. It wouldn’t really be feasible though. Dad says that even if he could be persuaded to move (he would have to come with me as he would never manage alone) it wouldn’t be the same now - the town has changed, most people we knew have died or moved on with their lives etc. Maybe I would still feel the same down there anyway. I think I am just desperately trying to look for something that will make me feel better, but as people have said, it probably really is just time and learning to live with it rather than get over it.

18 months for me today since Mum died?

How is that even possible.

I waved my 9yo off on his 4 day school trip too. Bit of an emotional day!

@Poppy04

I’m in Leeds. I’d be happy to meet up with anyone on here if anyone wanted to and if it was possible. We’re all going through the same, unfortunately and it’s only us who are going through it that can understand it and relate to how we are each feeling.
I agree that moving away probably isn’t the answer. I think there are no answers. I think it’s just that in time or as time goes on that we ‘get more used’ to carrying it around or more used to coping with it. You can’t ever get over losing your mum or Dad. I know I’ll never get over losing my Dad or be ok with it. Learning to live with it, as you say is probably the right way of wording it.
I’ve been at the cemetery today and I’m taking to my Dad all the while thinking, how can my Dad actually be here? How can it actually be?

@Crunchymum -

How are you feeling today? I bet 18 months has flown by and I bet it feels like only yesterday that it happened? It’s like the days go on without them but nothing feels the same, the heartache etc is all still the same. I’m not as far on as you but as I’m approaching six months at the end of this month since we lost Dad, I just keep asking myself how have we survived 6 months without him. So I imagine that when I get to 12 or 18 months that it’ll still feel the same.
Has your 9 year old gone on residential? My son is just turned 10 and he goes on Weds but it’s for two nights. xx

@123tigger

Hi there, how are you doing? Your feelings are normal. It helps me too to read peoples posts on here and realise that a lot of what people say about how they’re feeling is just how I’m feeling too. We’re all in this awful place together, unfortunately. That sounded awful, but you know what I mean.
Does it feel like 14 months ago for you? The reason I ask is because I’m approaching 6 months at the end of March and I can’t believe it’s been nearly six months since I’ve seen my Dad. It feels like a few weeks ago. I don’t know if it’s because of the shock of what happened for me or the sudden unexpectedness of it that I can’t seem to accept or believe it’s happened. Like you put in your post, I too believe that my Dad is still with us. I believe he’s by my side and that he can see us and the things we do. I tell my two boys that and that it’s just we can’t see or hear him. I do hope that is true xx

@Poppy04

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted on here for a while, although I have been following the thread.

It is just over 4 months now since I lost my 70 year old mum to bowel cancer.

@LucyintheSky21 - my parents were also married for 47 years, so must have got married the same year. My dad is much older than mum (83), but has various health problems so I worry about losing him constantly now too. I have never left home or had my own family so once he has gone I will be alone apart from a few extended family members. I feel similar to a partner or a young child who has lost their mum in some ways as I was so dependent on her and still lived with her. I foolishly rejected other friendships as I was so confident I would have her until I was quite old myself.

I have tried various things to try and help me - counselling, anti-depressants etc, but nothing really has. Some days are slightly less bad than others, but I have been feeling very anxious the last few days. I have made an appointment to see the local vicar in the hope that this will at least give me some comfort that I will see mum again. Has anyone else done this?

I have still not managed to get back to work, which I know mum would have been disappointed about and her biggest worry was what would happen to me, which I feel guilty about. The problem is my job is very stressful (although manageable while mum was here). I have been desperately searching for something to make me feel better and have considered all sorts - volunteering, moving back to mum’s home time where I also spent my childhood and would be closer to mum’s family, going away on holiday, and I still can’t come up with an answer. I know people say it is just time that helps, but it is hard to see at the moment. I didn’t think I would be facing this for another 15-20 years.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I did speak to my priest a bit and I found it quite comforting having my questions answered. I think believing in heaven and that I’ll be with dad again is something I need to believe because the alternative is just unbearable.

@Crunchymum isn’t it crazy how time flies even though it’s standing still. I hope your little one has a wonderful time.

@LucyintheSky21 I must have not pressed send on my reply to you so if it does come up twice then apologies. I hope you start finding comfort in the cemetery, it’s become my peaceful place and one of the few places I feel genuinely calm and feel dads presence. I’m also now becoming familiar with other grieving families whose relatives are buried near dad and there’s a real sense of compassion and empathy, it’s heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.
Yes, similar situation with my sister. She’s a narcissist who married one. My mum can no kinder provide childcare so has become useless to them. They haven’t seen her in months, it’s so so sad because my mum desperately misses my nephew. It her birthday this week too. I see her most days around work so my oldest is taking her for lunch and DH, youngest and I will go in the evening but the truth is she’d probably prefer she hadn’t survived without him (I’ve often heard “it should have been me to leave, not him) so it all seems futile. Have you decided what you might do for her birthday? It seems mad celebrating but you feel you should, so many mixed emotions.

Thank you ladies, I sometimes feel a bit guilty moaning so much when I should be offering you guys support and hope.

@LucyintheSky21 yes my DC1 is off for a 4 day / 4 night residential.

I was so bloody proud of him today but it's all tinged with mum.... My SIL said the same to me today (we have DC the same age) my mum would have been all over this - reassuring me DC will be fine, telling me about when I went on my trips 35 years ago, making me feel better but understanding me. She would just know instinctively how to do all of that.

I saw my dad today and he didn't even realise it was today my PFB went away (he'd been told loads but I guess the date didn't register) I often joke with my dad and tell him he is such a crap mum

Tomorrow is a new day though. As much as I miss my mum the grief isn't as relentless as it was. I know a period of feeling less sad will follow days like this.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - thank you, I’m glad to hear you felt a bit better after talking to the priest. Hopefully I will too. I also feel I need to believe this too. My mum always thought there was “something” after death, so hopefully this is true.

@Motheranddaughteroftwo; @LucyintheSky21 - your mums sound similar to how my dad is now. He felt he should have gone first because he was so much older and even said when mum was first diagnosed “it should have been me, I would have taken her place”. I feel he now just wants to stay around long enough to “see me settled” as he says, but sometimes I think he would also prefer to be with mum, as he is struggling increasingly with his health problems and now has his grief and my grief to deal with.

I feel jealous (unfairly) of people my age and older who still have at least 1 and often 2 healthy parents. I’m only 42 and feel at least 10 years too young to be dealing with this yet.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Gosh, is your sister actually mine? My sister hasn’t supported mum at all. I really thought when this happened that my sister and I would have come together to support my mum and her very close, but that’s not been the case. My sister seems to have become very jealous that I spent more time with my mum and Dad than her and she resents me for it. The reality is that she chose to move with her partner and their 4 children about six years ago. So I am only 5 mins drive away from my mum and dad’s house. She is an hour and a half away. But we stuck together when it first happened for about a week and then the day after the funeral I got a barrage of nasty text messages from my sister saying that she never wants to see me or my two children ever again because we ‘consumed’ my mum and dad’s time. It’s very sad as my two boys have lost such a big part of their lives losing my Dad and now it’s like they have also lost their one and only auntie and four cousins. Like you mum, my mum also hasn’t seen my sister for months. It’s heartbreaking really. Is it your mum’s birthday this week? I haven’t given it a thought to be honest about my mum’s bday. Like you say, like everything you say, it’s just me. Mum doesn’t want to be here without my Dad. She’s just plodding on because she keeps waking up each day. That’s awful but it’s how it is. Her life was my Dad.
I sat at the cemetery today and I’ve been going once a week. Like you said, I’m hoping it becomes the same for me but at the moment I can’t feel it’s a place of comfort. I just can’t make peace with what’s happened. I strongly believe like you that I will be with my Dad again because also like you said, the alternative is just too much to bare and I cannot. Cannot think that I won’t see and be with my Dad again. I miss him terribly xx

@Crunchymum - You do not moan. Please don’t ever say or think that. Just coming on here to post anything is supportive. It really helps to hear and listen to how others feel and how others are coping. I feel like I’m always sounding the same when I come on here, but the truth is that I haven’t really felt any different since the day I lost my Dad. There’s not been a lot of change for me in terms of how I’m actually feeling. I feel numb a lot of the time and still in shock and disbelief.
I hope your son enjoys his residential. Is it his first one? My oldest son (just turned 10) goes on Weds but did two nights and it’s his first ever time away with school. My Dad would have been all over this too, he’d have been so excited for my son going. When my oldest som got home from school today there was a package waiting for him. I’d ordered him a model Titantic (a not too big one) because he built a huge one with my Dad that had over 3000 pieces and took forever for them to build together. Anyway, my son has been asking if I could find him a smaller model to have a go at building. He opened it today after school and he’s happy it came but he said it won’t be the same not building it as painting it with Dad. So he said when it’s built and finished can he take it to the cemetery to show my Dad. It’s things like that which break me again xx

@Poppy04

Your poor Dad. The problem is that you just never think it’ll be your mum or Dad do you? I also know the feeling, I hate people who are my age (40) and older who still have both parents fit healthy and very much alive. It was two days after my 40th birthday that my Dad went. Honestly though, I feel like it’s not even true. Even as I type this with my phone, I can’t believe I won’t see my Dad this summer etc. I’m scared it’s going to hit me one day and that it’ll be like a car crash. My mum never wanted to be left without my Dad, she won’t ever get used to it. I’ve read before about people losing a parent and then not long after, the other one dies of a broken heart. I worry that will be my mum. She just wants to be with my Dad.
I feel the same most days but my feelings always fluctuate between deep desperation sadness and anger that this has happened. He was such a bloody amazing man. Why has he been taken from all of us? I could scream so loud and out loud when I think of it xx

@LucyintheSky21 - yes I have heard that often happens and in fact my mum thought it was quite likely to. I think she was torn between not wanting me to have the burden of caring for him and not wanting me to be alone. I think this is why she asked my aunt and uncle, who live nearby to “look after me” (which I know sounds a bit silly at my age). I suppose I am lucky I will still have some sort of parental figures I can turn to (they are in their 70s themselves, but reasonably healthy at the moment), but it’s not the same as your parents is it? They don’t love me in the way they love their own kids and I couldn’t expect them to.

Hard day today. Mum was cremated this morning. She had a direct cremation so there is no funeral service, they'll bring her home to me in a few days. We're going to scatter her ashes on her birthday, like we did with dad. So I'm feeling pretty low & lost today. Her wake is on Easter Sunday.

My cousin's funeral is this Friday. Apparently he's deteriorated too badly to be seen, but Auntie wants to anyway. I really, really don't think she should but she thinks it can't be any worse than finding him when he'd hanged himself. Her oldest has asked me to take care of her on the day because he's a pall bearer and his wife doesn't get on with her.