For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Poppy04

It doesn’t sound silly at all, at any age. I’m just turned 40 and I’m married with two boys (age 7 nearly 8 and 10) and I wish I had a really close caring auntie or auntie and uncle who would be there for me now I’ve lost my Dad. I had a very close Auntie who died a few years ago very tragically and I her 60’s. I think it’s nice that you have your Auntie and Uncle to look out for you and to support you, and I sure the difference love you very much. You’re still their niece. xx

@iklboo

I'm so sorry you had such a hard day. Its never easy, but it is a step forward. (Admittedly doesn't feel like it though)

My mum didn't have a service either, other than the 20min one at the crem. She never wanted a service. We just had some sandwiches and tea/coffee etc after.

I'm also so sorry to hear about your cousin. It's seems a bit mean that you have been asked to look after your auntie so soon after you lost your mum though. I hope others there will help too xx

[quote LucyintheSky21]@Saz345

My Mum is the same as me, she’s carrying on each day because she’s waking up each day (if that makes sense) but for no other reason. She’s so low without my Dad and she’s struggling like I am, although I imagine it’s much harder for my mum as she was married to my Dad and lived with him for 47 years. She’s seeing her sister once a weekend will get together with a friend for a coffee, and she still spends lots of time with us. My oldest son still stays there on a night time, although he goes away with school on a two night residential next week, so it’ll be the first time my Mum has stayed over night on her own. My sister…. Where do I start? Nope, no change. She hasn’t spoken to me since the funeral. I sent her a letter about 4 weeks ago and still nothing. She has also very sadly not been much support to my mum. She hasn’t been to see her since just free the funeral as well. She rings my mum maybe once every 2-3 weeks but never talks about Dad. I’m finding it very strange and it’s very hurtful. I have lost my sister as well.
We still have to organise the stone for my Dad and that will be going down hopefully I August but me and mum putting our heads together trying to think of ‘wording’ for my Dad’s headstone… it’s just not something I ever thought I’d be doing anytime soon.
Some days I’m ok, some days I feel desperately low and cry a lot, this last two weeks I have felt very down about it. I just miss Dad so much. I just still can’t believe it’s happened. Do you still have that feeling of shock and disbelief? It scares me sometimes as I don’t feel like I’m ver further on from when it happened at the end of September.
When you say about feeling ‘something’, I do know what you mean, for a wile I get so numb and even at the funeral I was numb. I think that must just be shock and disbelief that it’s really happening. A few people have said to me, or keep saying counselling but I really don’t know how it would help me. I talk about Dad all day to my husband and the kids, we all talk about him but it just hurts to think too deeply. I have to stop myself. Xx[/quote]
Yes that makes total sense. We're still here so we have to go on kinda thing.

I'm so sorry your sister is being the way she is. I wish things were better for you. Well, I know it cant be 'better' but you know what I mean.

I wouldn't know where to start with a headstone either. I can imagine finding the exact words must be so hard to do. Mum wants to be scattered on a beach near where she grew up in Scotland, but I still haven't worked out the logistics yet.

I also feel bad that it's almost 8 months now and I've still not done it. Maybe can do it in may half term. Or summer holidays - but by that point it will have been a year.

How on earth has it been so long?!

@iklboo

I am so sorry too. What a difficult and heartbreaking day for you. You will be feeling very low and very lost. When we had Dad’s funeral, I felt the same as you but I found the day after even harder. It was overwhelming on the actual day of the funeral and watching my Dad be buried. The morning after I found really strange and I felt so so low.
I really feel for you having your cousin’s funeral on Friday, so soon after. And I agree with @Saz345 that it’s a lot to expect of you to look after your Auntie. You need time to look after you xx

@Saz345 - I really don't mind. I'm very close to my auntie - she's my mum's sister - and I'm like the daughter she never had. She was brilliant helping to look after mum, even after her son died and she stayed with me at mum's bedside until the end. It's the least I can do for her, I think.

@iklboo

Ah I see, its lovely that you're so close. And such a shame that you're both going through such a rough time. Hopefully you will able to help each other through xx

How is everyone this morning?

For some reason I have been feeling worse than ever the past week, although my mum died over 4 months ago. I feel constantly tearful, my stomach is in knots. I don’t know if it is the anti-depressants I am taking (Amitryptyline 25mg) making it worse or if I am on too low a dose/the wrong medication. I think the good weather we have been having makes it worse too, which sounds strange, but I think it is because it is making me think of all the things me and mum used to do in the spring/summer and which we will never do again. We did so much together and I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself now.

I feel like I am letting mum down by being like this. She would be furious that I am sat posting on here instead of being back at work and getting on with my life, but my job is stressful at the best of times and I couldn’t deal with it at the moment.

I also feel a lot of guilt regarding certain things.

I have had a few free short term counselling sessions, which didn’t help a great deal, but am thinking of paying privately to have it long term, which would give me more time to work through things. I felt I was just getting the bog standard advice they give to everyone at the short term sessions, e.g. try writing a letter to mum.

I feel I don’t know where my life is going now. I always thought I would have mum until I was close to retirement (don’t know why really, as there were never any guarantees).

I envy those of you who have the distraction of children etc or at least a partner. It has never been something I have wanted, but now I kind of regret it as I feel my life has no purpose and that I will never have that strong bond with anyone again.

I feel I just want to fast forward my life so that I am old and will soon be with her again (hopefully). I am seeing our vicar for some bereavement counselling tomorrow, so hoping that will make me feel a bit better.

Sorry for depressing everyone so early in the day, it just helps to talk on here with people who have been through the same thing.

Morning @Poppy04, sorry you’re not having a good day. I know exactly what you mean about feeling lost, it’s like the security of our world has just been taken. And I feel the guilt too, my dad was the most life-loving, humble, happy person and I’m just quite bitter and miserable. I’ve lost all sense of happiness.

You should definitely find private therapy, I had psychotherapy and found it really useful, I only stopped because I can’t fit it in around work. I hope talking to your vicar helps too, anything that could help a bit is worth trying.
Don’t apologise, that’s what this is for. I’m struggling today too. I keep waking up wanting to go to my dad and then being really sick when I realise I can’t, it’s been a few days. Sending you strength today.

@Poppy04

Not great today. I know how you feel, it’s 5 months for me (nearly 6 months) and I’ve felt worse this last 2 to 3 weeks. I think it’s shock to begin with, and then the dreaded realisation as time goes on of what’s happened. I feel very irritated and angry all the time over what’s happened. A very ‘fed up with life’ kind of feeling.
And I totally know what you mean about the weather. I was explaining this to my husband the other day, it’s like when I see outside that the weather is looking nice it gives me a glimmer of happiness, like a tickle inside that spring and summer is on its way. Normally that’s how I feel, I mean. But now I see the signs of the nice spring/summer weather coming and it makes me so angry and frustrated and sad that my Dad isn’t here to do the days out and the days at the seaside with us, and he lives to ride his motorbike on the warm summer days with his friends. Why has all of this been taken from him? It makes me feel so down and so angry that he’s had his life taken away from him when he wouldn’t have wanted to go yet.
As for having a distraction, yes having two school age children gives me something I have to keep going for and obviously life is busy with children and getting them to school and all the things they do, but don’t be fooled into thinking it takes away any of the pain and sadness, because it really doesn’t xx

@LucyintheSky21
I understand what you’re saying. I think it’s more that I wish I had other people in my life who care about me as much or almost as much as mum did. Once my dad has gone I probably won’t have that unless I happen to meet someone. I know I have my aunt and uncle close by and a few other family members, but I don’t think it is quite the same. I think both my mum and dad would have felt a bit better about things if I had a partner and/or children of my own. It is a bit late for children now, but maybe I will meet someone one day. I know my mum would have liked that.

Hi Everyone

Joining to offer support and for a bit of hand hold also. Seems a bit daft as it has been nearly 4 years since my DM died. I find Mothers Day so hard, not just for me but for my Dsis and DBro and also my DDad as we probably filter our feelings so as not to upset him more if that makes sense?

She died suddenly of a heart attack, she battled cancer for 10 years, and as silly as it sounds now, that was always our biggest worry and then out of the blue was taken from us.

It has been just about bearable over last two years as we had DGC but DSD has completely blocked us now and won't let us see them. Will have DS and his partner over and they will bring our other DGS and I know they feel that this is going to "cheer me up" and all will be well. I will be grateful to them for caring and coming but it won't stop the dark hole in my heart.

@finalpunt

Hi and welcome,

It’s baffling how life turns out sometimes isn’t it? My mum died from advanced bowel cancer 4 months ago aged 70. She had it for 2 years, but until then was perfectly fit and healthy. My dad on the other hand has had MS for the past 20 years (as well as other health problems now) and was expected to deteriorate, but he is now 83 and still seems to keep going. It never even entered our heads that mum would die before him.

@Poppy04

I understand what you’re saying, it’s really hard but kids aside, I am sure that you will meet someone and find someone if that’s what you want and when it’s the right time for you. Your mum is with you, remember that. I know it’s not a lot of comfort when we can’t physically see or hear them but I do feel my Dad is with me and around me and seeing what we’re all doing each day. I have to believe he’s by my side and with me.

Hi everyone I've been very absent but saw this and though I would share x

@LucyintheSky21 how are you getting on? This week has been so hard. A year ago today dad we were told he had “less than a week”. He didn’t text me again after that and just kept telling me how much he loves me and how proud he is of me. I want a duvet day and instead I have an 11 hour-ish day at work.
I agree the kids are great but they’re grieving too and I don’t feel like I’m giving enough.

@mrssunshinexxx

That’s lovely, and so very true. xx Thanks for sharing. How are you? What’s the situation like with you and your Dad now?
I’m still no contact with my sister, there’s no change there. xxx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Hi there, I’m not having the best week but I don’t feel any better or worse if that makes sense. How are you feeling today?
My oldest son went away yesterday on his first ever school residential for two nights, so that was strange and all he kept saying was that he wished he could tell my Dad all about it when he gets back. My son also really wanted to go camping with my Dad, just him and his Grandad this summer, and they were going to do that. Stuff like that, it just devastates me. So yesterday I saw my son off and after school I went with my youngest boy to mum’s house to have tea with her and he stayed over and came back this morning. My mum still needs someone there on a night, she hasn’t stayed a night on her own since what happened but my oldest stays normally. He’s back tomorrow.
I threw myself into doing the garden yesterday while my husband was at work and youngest at school/oldest at residential. If I do nothing or sit still and think about it and what’s happened I end up going down a trail of thought that will just put me in a very dark place, which I can’t bare.
I was watching my mum last night when we went for tea and she’s so sad to see. It made me think of what you’d said actually. Mum is not even half the person she was. She said ‘all these lovely warm days coming when I should be out with your dad somewhere’. I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard week, it must have been hard yesterday for you. And an 11 hour shift too. I’m food shopping today once I’ve taken my youngest to school. I don’t know about you but since it’s happened do you feel permanently tired and wiped out? I haven’t slept properly since it happened and I’m always awake through the early hours. I always feel tired and drained. I think it’s because my mind is always thinking about Dad and all that happened. It’s like I’m permanently trying to make sense of it but I can’t.
On the whole this week I’ve felt angry and very emotional. Like I can’t be bothered with anything and even the smallest tasks are a chore. Xx Let me know how you’re doing later on after your shift and sending you a hug xxx

Hi everyone,

It’s 6 months today (it was the 24th September) that my amazing Dad passed away. In fact, it was this time now that we were in the hospital told that me and my mum and sister had to say goodbye and at 3.19pm he was gone.
I’ve just been for a walk to clear my head before it’s time to head to school to pick up my son. I’ve just been thinking to myself that I don’t know how the months have rolled on since that day in September when I haven’t moved on from that day. I’m still there, if that makes sense. I’m still trying to process what happened that day but each day is rolling over to the next, each week rolls over to another week etc. Am I still in shock and also denial? I think I probably am.
How is everyone else doing today?

@LucyintheSky21 drowning in grief. My 2 girls keep me going. Oh the same I won't ever have a relationship with him ever again x

@mrssunshinexxx

Drowning in grief - I can relate to that one. But I’m so sorry about you and your Dad, that is such a shame and a really sad situation. Same as me with my sister, I don’t think we will ever talk again. Like you with your two girls, it’s my two boys I keep going for and my mum is so sad and lost and lonely without my Dad. Sending you a hug xx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - How are you tonight? Did you manage your long shift at work? You might still be working. Let me know how you’re doing. I’ve been torturing myself since I realised this afternoon that it’s 6 months since the day (24th March today/24th Sept it happened). Just want to scream tonight. xx

Hi all, I was on this thread a few years back when I lost my Dad. Thinking of those of you who have lost mums this weekend. I am dreading Father's day already.

Hi everyone. Today has been horrible, every time someone asked if I was ok I burst into tears. I didn’t go in on Monday and that really set me on a back foot so I’ve been playing catch-up all week. My boss clearly isn’t impressed with me daring to take a sick day so has been shitty with me all week. Luckily I have a couple of decent colleagues who came to my rescue but I’m just so over everything. @LucyintheSky21 like you say, I just want to sleep. If I could I would do the school run and sleep till I do it again. And the dates, six months since…../ a year since…. It’s just so sad and it’s annoying me that the world isn’t stopping.
@mrssunshinexxx drowning in grief is exactly it, its all I live and breathe.

It’s so sad to read everyone’s pain but the support for each other is amazing, I really am grateful to you all.

Hi @Sailorsusan

How do you cope with it? It’s been six months since I lost my Dad. Does it get any easier?

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - I’m so sorry it’s been such a difficult day for you. And a difficult week. I think sometimes even though people mean well, when they keep asking if you’re ok it does just set you off. I think your boss should be a lot more understanding though, given the circumstances. Do you work full time or part time? I was going to say, is there any scope for cutting your hours down to something more manageable for the place you’re in at the moment, or is that not possible?
I took a career break after having my second child and haven’t gone back to work yet. When things like this happen, I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing not being at work to add a distraction. But at the same time, I know it’s hard to do your job properly when you feel so low.
I too am really grateful to you and to everyone on here who takes the time to read what I say and to respond and be supportive. It helps to know I’m not alone on this road, even though a lot of the time it does feel like I am.
Are you working tomorrow? My oldest son comes home from residential tomorrow so I am looking forward to seeing him and hearing his stories, but I’m filled with sadness that he won’t be able to tell my Dad. xx