For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@iklboo - my dad was 74 too. It’s devastating. I feel like my Dad was robbed of his life. He was such a big family man and through his life did so much for everyone. Life is so bloody cruel and unfair and unkind. But they say, they take the best. And they do! xx

Another day, another 25 black bags. Counting up, we probably filled over 100 with rubbish, non-recyclables etc. Finally all done with those (I think). DH & DS will come at weekend to choose which of dad's tools & the Lego my folks had for DS they want and we'll box other stuff up for storage.

The charity took quite a bit of the white goods, crockery, pots, pans & stuff but the beds, washing machine & a fridge were too old so I'm looking at a house clearance for the rest apart from the stuff going in storage. Then it should be clear.

Estate agents coming tomorrow to do the pics & walk through video ready for putting it on the market. I. Am. Knackered.

@iklboo
I'm not surprised. It's physically exhausting but emotionally worse, I think. You're doing great.

How’s everyone holding up? I’m not feeling good at all this week. Been a lot of tears and just feeling in such a state of disbelief that my Dad isn’t here. My oldest son (10) I can tell is really feeling it, he seems so disinterested in things at the moment and is really missing doing things he used to do with his grandad on a weekend. I just hate it without Dad x I hope everyone is ok

@LucyintheSky21 sorry you haven't been having a good week sending you a virtual hug.

We finally got the results of my mums post mortem today, turns out it was a pulmonary embolism. Doesn't make things any easier, but I guess we can move another step forward now. I'm also relieved (that's not the right word, but I can't think at the moment) that my dad feels more at peace as he was convinced he had passed something on to my mum, or that there was something he could've done to save her. Sorry for rambling, just another emotional day

@MissC07 - Thank you for the hug. Sending you one back, it sounds like it’s been emotional for you today. How is your Dad coping? My mum is so lonely without my Dad and she misses him so much. Seeing her pain as well as feeling mine is just too much. I really feel like it’s 5 months on and it’s harder than it was two weeks after it happened. I just wish we could turn the clocks back to a time when we had more time with them.

@LucyintheSky21 He's doing a lot better than I thought he would be at the moment although it could be the shock, he's at least talking a lot to me and my brother which which is good as I thought he'd bottle everything up. I worry about how lonely my dad is so much, I'm going round to his house nearly every day just so he isn't on his own. But I'm exhausting myself out, which I know sounds so selfish but I think I'm trying to be strong for too many people and not looking after myself.

@MissC07

Doesn’t sound selfish. Your situation is the same as mine. I feel permanently exhausted from it too. I’m doing everything for my mum like you are for your Dad. It is very hard and it is tiring, plus I haven’t slept since the day it happened.

Hi,

How are you all doing?

I know I've been away a while, been incredibly busy with the kids and DH being signed off for weeks and trying to work my own stuff out etc. Life doesn't just stop does it...

Anyway, I hope you don't mind me popping in/out - i just wanted to check in with you and see how you're doing. I know it's tough going for a lot of people right now.

I finally started my counselling sessions last month, and it's nothing like I thought it would be. I am finding it beneficial though. I've been numb for so long that I've found it hard to express anything for ages.

Having someone I can just blurt stuff out to is actually really helpful. Saying things out loud is so much harder (and 'real') for some reason.

The main positive at the moment is that I'm starting to remember my mum as my mum again, rather than just the the last couple of years with the dementia onset and those awful last days. It's emotional, but almost a relief to feel something that I 'should' feel. If that makes sense at all.

I hope everyone is holding up OK. Big hugs to anyone that needs it right now. Xx

@LucyintheSky21
I'm sorry it's been a particularly bad week for you. Holding it together for your son is probably contributing to that feeling.
It will get better. Eventually, the time between 'horrendous' weeks will get longer. It doesn't mean you love them less or you're forgetting, just that you are managing a level of acceptance.
As you may know, it's been two years ( this week) since I lost my mum. It's been tough the last couple of days but I know it will pass. I've just had a bubble bath, a glass of wine wine and lit a candle. It works for me.
I hope you feel better tomorrow. One day at a time...

@MissC07
I'm glad you found your way here 😊

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

@Saz345
Nice to see you.
It sounds like the counselling is the right idea for you. I've wondered about it myself. Perhaps it might help me move forward. At the moment I'm stuck. Is that what you felt?

@ImperfectAlf

Yes, stuck is a good way to describe it.

I think I had just kept going after it happened, because I had no option with 2 young children to look after. (My youngest was 9 weeks when she died)

I think because it was totally unexpected and sudden, I went into survival mode. I.e just doing what I had to do. Mum was in the process of being diagnosed with dementia, but it was sudden kidney failure that killed her. Those last few days were awful for her, and I had to make the decision to stop the interventions.

In the weeks/months afterwards I kept waiting for the sudden wave of emotion, or starting to feel better but it never really came. It was like I was in limbo or as you say, stuck.

Talking out loud is definitely helping, even though I didn't want to do it at first. Despite the fact that technically I now feel worse, it's kind of a relief that I'm feeling it - if that makes any sense at all? And it comes in waves, so it's not quite as overwhelming as I had feared.

Sorry I've missed quite a lot of posts, (i'll try and catch up later) so I'm not sure how long it's been for you - it will be 8 months for me at the end of the month.

How are you finding things? Xx

I'm very firmly in 'admin' & 'doing' mode, sorting mum's cremation & wake, probate, clearing & selling the house etc. So, right now, my mind is occupied - almost like I'm in work. One of my key strengths is organising. I'm bloody good at it. It's sleeping I'm having trouble with. Hard to drop off then waking up every 45 minutes or so.

Once all that is over...then I think it will hit me, and probably hard.

@Saz345

Hi Saz,

I was wondering where you had got to and how you are doing. It’s great to see you back on here. How are you finding things now? It’s 8 months for you at the end of this month and at the end of this month it’ll be 6 months for me, so we’re in the same sort of ‘stage’, if that’s the right way of putting it. I feel very stuck as well and like you, I feel like I’ve had to just ‘carry on’ life best I can because like you I have two children to carry on for. Mine aren’t babies but 7 and just tuned 10 so still young. Like you, it was really sudden and totally unexpected for me so I think a lot of it has been shock for me and disbelief. I know it’s still such early days but I feel the last couple of weeks so desperately sad and missing my Dad terribly. I still feel like he’s coming back. I’m sure that’s due to how it happened, I just cant accept that he’s gone. Is that how you feel? xx

I can't stand being in the shops at the moment. Mother's day stuff is bloody everywhere

My mum wasn't big on Mother's day (she was very much a "it doesn't matter what you do on that one day, I'm lucky to have my kids and grandkids everyday" kind of person) but she loved a card.

It's 18 months for me on Monday. My eldest is going away with school next week and it's exactly the kind of thing that really makes me miss mum. She'd be telling me all about when I went away for school trips - over 30 years ago and reassuring me that my eldest will have a ball. She'd really understand (I'm excited / nervous as DC is only 9!!) and she would know what to say.

I miss that with all my being, having someone who cares about me that much. Having someone who is in my corner even though no-one else in the world would even know I'm a but stressed and worried. She'd know. She always knew.

A bit stressed and worried

@Crunchymum

I know what you mean about Mother’s Day. I felt like that at Christmas when all the Christmas cards were in the shops. I felt like all the ‘Mum and Dad’ cards or ‘To Dad at Christmas’ cards were staring me in the face whenever I went into a shop. I have booked a table to take my mum out for a meal on Mother’s Day. None of us have been out anywhere to eat since what happened. I know I have my Mum for Mother’s Day this year and it’ll be so extremely painful for many of you on here, but I’m not looking forward to it either without my Dad. It might sound silly with having my Mum, but we would be going normally with my mum and dad for a meal and this is the first year without Dad. And then of course Father’s Day is only really around the corner. Such painful times.
My oldest son is away with school next week as well for the first time. It’s his first school residential for two nights and my Dad would have been so excited for him. My son would have been ringing up my Dad to tell him all about it before as after. Life is just so brutally cruel and unfair xx

Hi, I'm not sure if I can join..

My dad died 6 years ago, and I still struggle now, I'm also terrified that my mum is going to die too I'm waiting for counselling as I'm not coping with my fears.

It was pretty traumatic, they way he died and the way I found out.

Anyway if I could talk about that here, just to get it out, that might help, and hopefully I can help others too.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

Of course you can join. I lost my Dad 5 months ago, and just hate this life without him. Do you want to tell your story? We are all here xx

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint - you're very welcome here. There's no time limit on grief ❤️.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

Of course you can join! It's a lovely group and you're very welcome xx

@LucyintheSky21

Yes thats how I've been feeling too. Kind of like I've had a rest now, I'm ready to go and look after her again - but shes not there to look after anymore.

I think I've just reached the missing her stage. She was so unhappy and scared by the end that it was all I could think of when I thought about her. It still is a lot now, but there's other nicer things too that I'm starting to remember again.

I'm somewhere between being angry and feeling that the way it happened was unfair, and knowing there's no point in feeling this way because I cannot change anything.

But at least I'm feeling something, which I feel is progress.

How is your mum doing now? Has your sister sorted herself out yet? Xx

@Crunchymum

I know what you mean about mothers day. Mum didn't even celebrate it so its not like I'm missing doing something. I'm just just very aware that I don't have a mother anymore, and it hurts.

She was my only local family too, now its just me. Obviously I have dh and my girls, and his family are all local. But you're right it's not the same as having someone nearby that will always have your back. (In her own way)

@iklboo

I was exactly like you. It's so much easier to keep going and get lost in the organising and processes etc. I thought the same, that I'd lose it as soon as the funeral was done etc but I didn't.

There was an overwhelming feeling of 'now what' though. Once everyone has left and there's no more organising to do.

And then I even felt guilty that i didn't lose it!

It's only now that it's starting to sink in. Kind of.