For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hi all. Hope you don’t mind a newbie. I lost my Dad earlier this month. It’s still very raw and I’m struggling through the aftermath at the moment and dealing with grief, the estate, family drama, work and normal life. His cremation was today, no one was present in line with his wishes and we will scatter his ashes in April. So sorry for all of your losses - I’ve always had a lot of sympathy for those who had lost their parents but never knew how hard it truly was until now

@Whisperinastorm

Hello and welcome. ‘Welcome’ is perhaps the wrong word to use, but I hope you’ll find some support by joining us all on here on this truly awful road we find ourselves.
I’m truly sorry for your loss. I too lost my Dad, at the end of September in the most unexpected and sudden way and it’s still so raw and such a shock that I just can’t believe it’s happened.
Like you, I have always felt bad for people who have lost their mum and Dad, but have never really known or understood the pain and the sheer heartache until now that it’s happened to me.
Would you like to tell us a bit about your Dad? Again, so sorry that you’re yet another person who finds themselves on here x

Not sure where to start. My Dad was one of the friendliest people you could meet, life and soul of most parties. He started off as a professional sports man, became a businessman and ended up as a handyman. He lived a great life. He was married three times - lots of complicated family “fun” right now. He’s probably chuckling away about the mess he’s left there… He died suddenly, cardiac arrest whilst playing tennis… 3 days before my 40th.

Thank you @LucyintheSky21. I cut down from five to four days a week which is all we can really afford but I don’t feel like it’s made much difference. I bring so much work home because I can’t fit it into four days (I genuinely have no way of cutting my workload). I took three months off when dad first died so we’ve already been at a loss financially. Tomorrow is my day off luckily so least I can focus on my family. Everything is just such a mess and dad always had a way of making everything better, what I would do to hear his voice 😭. I bet you can’t wait to hold your DS, again though so bitter sweet I know. I hope you are surrounded in his love tomorrow and that he had a brilliant time.
@Whisperinastorm I’m so sorry. Your dad sounds lovely. Coincidentally, a few of us seem to have lost our dads within a few months of our fortieths, it changes everything about everything doesn’t it.
Are you close to your family? Will you have help with arranging things?

@Whisperinastorm

Reading how and what happened to your Dad brings it back for me.
Your Dad sounds like a really lovely guy. A man that could turn his hand to many things, my Dad was like that. He could do so many things.
There’s similarities in your story and mine. My Dad died on the 24th September, 6 months ago today. Where those 6 months have gone, I don’t know. I am also 40. My Dad had a heart attack from nowhere, followed by a cardiac arrest like your Dad. And he died two days after my 40th bday. I won’t ever celebrate my birthday again. I’ve said this so many times to people and I don’t think people believe me, but I won’t celebrate as I will always know that just two days after what was meant to be a big and special birthday, I lost my amazing Dad. A fit and healthy man who was never poorly. So why on earth did it happen?
Do you feel like you’re in shock?

@Motheranddaughtertotwo and @LucyintheSky21 I’m so sorry for your losses and for anything I bring back to the surface x.

It does change everything and I can’t imagine celebrating my birthday again. So many people have handed me two cards together… happy 40th, sorry about your Dad. I get that it’s awkward for people but I just wanted it cancelled. I’m in shock. Can’t believe he’s gone, I want to talk to him so badly. Amidst the shock I’m dealing with the fact he had no will, was separated (for around 18 months) from wife three and not divorced and the complexities that brings. What I really want to do is hide away from the world with a cat of wine.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Thank you, I am looking forward to seeing my son but we seem to find sadness in every situation. Mother’s Day on Sunday and we’re going out for a meal the five of us, when it should be the six of us. Things like that. What has made me feel so sad today is how it’s got to six months, I just feel like I’m still back there in September. I haven’t moved on from that night he was rushed into hospital. I’m trapped there, and yet everyone else in the world seems to be looking forward to doing nice things in the warm weather…apart from me and my family who are pining every day for a man we need so badly to come back and join us. I’m finding it unbearable seeing my mum and hearing her loneliness. Like you, what I would give to hear my Dad’s voice, for him just to answer the phone when I ring their house. I’m too scared to think I won’t see him again, I don’t know if that sounds crazy or not but in my head he’s just not gone. It’s like I still really can’t believe any of it. How can he not be here?
But I’m so glad you have your day off tomorrow and I hope it’s a brighter day for you. I know none of our days are bright at the moment but I hope you feel better than you have done today. I have a quiet day planned tomorrow, I was going to choose some Easter eggs for the boys but even that job makes me feel sad because my Dad loved chocolate and I always got him one of those large Cadbury’s Roses eggs. I feel like I still want to buy him it. I just would never have believed anyone if they had told me a year before that this was going to happen.
Everything here is a mess too, and like you, my Dad was the one who made everything right. He fixed everything. He was the glue of our family. My sister has disappeared and hurt me so much, I’ve had to step up in a huge way for my mum to almost compensate for my sister being so shit. I have to try and be upbeat ish for my mum as I know how depressed she is without my Dad. It’s so hard isn’t it? Every day you sort of think, tomorrow is another day but then another day comes and you feel no different. I wish I knew the answers xx

@Whisperinastorm - my Dad was married to my mum, they were married for 47 years so this is slightly different. But my Dad didn’t have a will in place either, neither did my mum and that’s a mess even though mum and dad were happily married and together. My poor mum along with all her grief and pain has had to go down the probate route, so I’ve been helping deal with the solicitor to sort that out as mum isn’t up to any of it, but he’s been told that it simply has to be done. It’s messy and painful and just not what anyone needs on top of trying to come to terms with the shock of what’s actually happened.
Like you, and many on here, I’m still in total shock disbelief and denial. Six months it’s been and I’m still in shock. I’ve read and heard it can take a long time for that to pass.

Thank you @LucyintheSky21 I'm missing the thread but I just don't have the headspace like I used to the children take up all of my time and energy as they should. I'm on a list for counselling again. I'll try to come back more regularly in time x

@LucyintheSky21 exactly that, it’s like being trapped and reliving the same horrible day every day. A year on and I can’t accept it. Mum and I are going to spend the day together arranging her admin (we are too still arranging her will, dad didn’t have one as well as all her bills which she doesn’t have the headspace to deal with) and then tidying up dads grave. I then need to work a good five hours tonight so I can not work over the weekend.
Easter is another one they’ll be missing from. My dad would always buy my kids the biggest, fanciest eggs and watch them with such delight. I honestly don’t know how we’ll find the joy in anything again.

@mrssunshinexxx

I completely understand, and it would be great to see you back on here more. Xxx You do what’s right for you and everyone on here is here for you and waiting for you whenever you do come on. Again, I’m really sorry things are the way they are with you and your Dad. I’ll be thinking of you on Sunday. And I hope the counselling helps when it starts xx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Honestly, I know our situations with our Dad’s are very similar but how you are with your mum as well…you could be me. Our lives are so similar. How are you feeling this morning? I’ve just hit back from Tesco’s, I decided to go after taking my youngest to school to get Easter eggs. Really for the walk there and back more than anything. Same as you, my Dad loves to see the kids either their big chocolate eggs and he’d always say something like ‘do they really need that many?’and it was always the first egg I’d buy when Easter egg shopping, I’d always choose my Dad a nice big egg. Usually the Roses one. I spotted it today and it makes me feel so unbelievably sad that he’s not even here to eat an Easter egg. He really did love chocolate. I just can’t make any sense of any of this. I can feel it and see it when I’m about, that people are excited about the summer-like warm weather and i don’t feel excited about anything anymore. I just miss my Dad and want to see him in the garden when I go to my mum’s house. Now I have to go to the cemetery once a week to sit and feel like I’m close to him to talk to him. How is that fair or right?
I hope it goes well today sorting out your mum’s admin. We’ve had a nightmare (still are) as Dad had no will in place and we’ve had to go probate route, which I’ve helped mum with but we have no idea how long it’ll take or what the outcome will be. My mum will then at some point have to do a Will herself as neither my mum or dad had ever got round to doing it as they didn’t think anything was imminent. Like you, I’ve to help my mum with it all and we need to get her finances sorted out too. We’ve also been doing the garden on a weekend for my mum. I might have said before, but they have quite a lot of garden. It’s sort of all around the house rather than mine which is just a front and back garden. So it needs doing as my Dad did it all and always had their garden looking great. It’s me and my DH and my two boys who will do it. The boys get stuck in. It’s just sad that my sister has gone awol as she could have come up to help my mum with ether the legal and probate stuff or the garden or even just to see my mum, but no she’s not seen my mum since end of September. So it’s all on us, and I don’t at al mean that in the way it may sound. I would never mind giving my mum all my time and help. I just think that when she has two daughters, we should both be pulling together.
When you mentioned about your Dad’s grave, are you waiting for a stone to go down as well? Sorry if I’ve got that wrong. Let me know how you get on today and how your mum is. I wish I could do something more to lift my mum, but as you say, none of us are finding any joy in anything xx

It's my cousin's funeral today. It's going to be very hard & emotional. DH is coming with me so we'll both be there for Auntie while the coffin is being taken in etc.

My folks' house is on the market now. Twelve viewings booked so far, which sounds promising. I just wish I wasn't having to do this and have my lovely mum & dad back. Mothers Day will be a mixed bag, but I know MIL will give me a big hug. She's always been like a second mum to me and I love her very much. But she's not my mum.

Hey mrssunshinexxx I've been looking out for you. Sorry to hear things are tough but I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job with your girls.

I know Sunday will be hard and I believe it will be your mum's anniversary soon too.

Sending you lots of love and strength. Hope you are able to pop back on when you feel up to it

For anyone else who will struggle on Sunday, I send my wholehearted love to you.

@LucyintheSky21 the similarities really are so many. You’re right, it’s not fair or right, it’s just so so cruel. Yes, I’ve started arranging the grave too and again, I can’t believe how long winded everything is. So much choice, so much to consider and I’m trying to make sure it’s what mum wants but then I get frustrated with her because she has no idea what she wants. Dad used to have these conversations with me when relatives died and I always told him I didn’t want to hear it because “he wasn’t allowed to die until I was old and both of my children were married”. I should have let him tell me. But I did tidy his grave and make it look beautiful. We’re in the process of doing mums will and it all comes down to “how dad would have wanted things”.
Did you son get back ok? How did you get on for the rest of the day? That’s lovely that your boys are so involved with your mum. Having that support means you can do it without your sister, that’s what I keep telling myself; my husband and kids do much more and are much more help that my sister could ever be.

@iklboo sorry you’ve had a hard day. I know what you mean about MIL, wonderful as they might be you want your one. Sending strength.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

How did you manage at your Dad’s grave? It sounds such a strange question. I’ve been going on my own every Monday while the kids are at school so I’ll be there again on Monday.
My mum even sounds like yours. Everything with my mum since what happened is the same, ‘it’s what your Dad would have wanted’. We had the funeral obviously and my Dad was buried, and you have to leave it a while don’t you before you can lay a stone. Anyway, mum and I did meet with the undertaker. He came to our house before Christmas and like you said, there was so much choice. Colour of stone, colour of writing, laid down or standing up etc. Anyway, mum wasn’t really in the right head space for making any of the choices, neither was I but as my sister hasn’t been to see my mum for months and barely even rings her, we had to do it just the two of us. We haven’t done the wording yet but chose that we’d like it to be standing up of that makes sense and having it made so that my mum can be next to him with a joining stone etc. We were meant to call the undertaker in mid January to discuss the wording but mum still hasn’t made the call. I know having a stone laid and having it right is important but in the summer my mum also wants us to have another ceremony type thing where all family and dad’s friends who came to the funeral gather around to see the stone and a few words said etc, and then another after bit like after the funeral. I really can’t bare the thought of this again. It feels like I will have to re-live the funeral all over again but my mum says ‘it’s what your Dad would have wanted’. Not going to be overly comfortable with my sister either, who blames me because she moved away and my family saw more of my Dad than hers. It’s bonkers.
How did you get on with your mum sorting out her paper work etc?
My son had a good time on residential, he had lots to tell me about bats and a campfire they had and a night walk etc but he wasn’t as enthusiastic as I expected him to be when he came back. He was a bit sad when he got home saying he really wanted to tell my Dad all that he’s done. I told him that my Dad will have seen him and been with him.
What have you got planned for the weekend? My youngest has a swimming lesson, in a few minutes we will be setting off and then we will spend the day with my mum. I’ve booked a meal for tomorrow, the first ever meal for Mother’s Day without my Dad. I just wanted to do something nice for my mum but as it’s come round, I feel really deflated and not sure about going without my Dad. It feels wrong. Will you be doing something nice with your mum tomorrow? xx

Yesterday was very hard. It was a beautiful service for my cousin and hundreds of people came. The chapel was packed, people were outside listening to it and it was on a webcast as well. He was a very much loved man. His brother really struggled with the speech and totally broke down when we went to the coffin. I've never seen him cry before. It's hit him so hard. I gave his (eldest cousin) son a hug and I thought he was never going to let go, poor lad.

Auntie was ok really. Lots of people came to speak to her and share stories about him. An ex Manchester City player - and cousin's first football hero - came and read a poem, which was lovely.

Apart from family, DH knew more people there than me - he's taught quite a few of my uncle's side of the family to drive. And one of my best friends in the 80s-90s worked with him. Small world.

Cousin's wife really annoyed everyone. We got to the wake venue and she sat with her coven sisters, cousin was talking to people giving condolences. She shouted 'Oi! Stop the chatting & get to the bar'. She got so many daggers.

@iklboo

Yesterday must have been hard for you, so soon after your mum’s as well. But it sounds like it went ok, as ok as they can go, I mean. It sounds like a lot of people loved your cousin and thought a lot of him, which is always nice it’s a good turn out. They are never nice but I imagine they could go better or worse if you know what I mean. I hated ever second of my Dad’s funeral. I was still in shock and just couldn’t believe we were there. It was nice though that so many people came because my Dad had a lot of fiends. You feel a bit like you’re on show though and people watching you to see how you’re doing. I know people mean well and only care but it’s just how I felt.
How are you feeling today? I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow x

@LucyintheSky21 - thank you. We've still got mum's wake to come. We had a direct cremation so the wake will be on Easter Sunday. That, we hope, will be a celebration though and so less 'raw' if that makes sense? I want it to be a day if telling funny stories about the things she did. No black clothes, no flowers. Just a lot of love.

@iklboo

That sounds lovely. And so brave too x

@LucyintheSky21 in my religion/culture we have “memorials” every three months for the first year, church service, cemetery then back to mums house and I must admit I have found it difficult but also really comforting. It’s the only time we all get together at the moment.
Your sister really does sound batshit like mine. I got blamed for having a son and daughter before she’d had kids. Apparently it was inevitable that I’d be closer to our parents after giving them their first grandson and daughter. Like I had any control over the sexes of my babies.

I’m glad your son came back happy, so sad how much you are all feeling the loss though. I tell my kids the same thing, he can still see us.

I’m so emotionally drained that I want to sleep but I really need to get some work done. My house looks like I’ve been broken into after spending yesterday cooking/ prepping food for the memorial. Luckily my cousin has taken my youngest and my oldest is with her friends so I can spend most of the day crying. I feel so angry and deflated today.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Ah, I can see that it could be comforting and a nice thing to do every three months for the first year. It’s a nice way to all come together and a bit more special I guess than just doing it the once. My mum says that when someone is buried, often do have a ‘stone setting’ when it goes down and that everyone comes together. We didn’t do it for my Nan when she died, that will be 5 years in May. I just feel it will be like having the funeral all over again, but I do understand why my mum wants to do it.
Have you managed to have a sleep at all today? xx

I get what you mean, it is hard doing it all again each time.
No, I didn’t manage to sleep but I did get a lot of work done. How have you got on today?

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

It’s been another difficult day really, we’ve spent the whole day at my mum and dad’s house doing the garden. There’s so much of it and my Dad loved his garden. I can’t believe how much he actually did. He was proud of his garden and kept it lovely, so between me and my husband and the our boys we’ve been cutting the grass, trimming hedges etc. we didn’t stop until 7pm when we ordered pizza’s. It’s just heartbreaking that we’re now doing my Dad’s garden. and it’s for him that we are doing it, but it should be him doing it. You know what I mean. I just can’t believe he’s not here. I imagine it’s totally the same for you xx

Good evening everyone,

I just wanted to say that I have thought about everyone on here today who I know will have found the whole day a struggle to get through.

@mrssunshinexxx and @iklboo - I know today will have been tough, and very painful. I’m already not looking forward to Father’s Day.
Sending everyone a hand hold. I hope everyone is ok.
@Motheranddaughtertotwo - How’s your day been, did you spend the day with your mum? How is she? xx