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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My husband has died 2

232 replies

peachgreen · 23/11/2020 12:40

Just starting a new thread. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me so far. I honestly can't tell you how much it has helped. I've read and reread your posts in the middle of the night when I feel most alone and it has honestly and truly kept me alive at points. I'm so grateful.

Over the next two weeks I have what would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and Mike's 43rd birthday to get through. I'm dreading them. But I also want to mark them somehow. I think I might buy myself a watch to mark our anniversary, one featuring wood. I've also contacted a local jewellers - I'm going to get our wedding rings interlinked and made into a necklace so I can wear them always, no matter what happens in future.

This feeling of being married and yet not married, a wife and yet not a wife, is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I feel half a person, like my purpose for living has gone. I'm carrying on for my daughter and I am finding some joy in her - especially as she gets more like her Daddy every day - but mostly I spend my days in a sort of disbelieving, numb haze. I keep expecting him to just walk back in the door and give me a big cuddle and tell me how well I've done and now we can get back to normal.

I miss him so, so much.

OP posts:
UpHereForDancing · 23/11/2020 12:45

Gosh I'm so, so sorry. I didn't see your earlier thread but I can't imagine what it must feel like.

One of my closest mum friends lost her husband at a similar age eight years ago, and it might help you to know that her and her children are in a good place now. Teenage DCs thriving at school with many friends.

Thinking of you Thanks

joystir59 · 23/11/2020 12:51

Hi Peach, you are being awesome! Thank you for your kind words at the end of the first thread. Your idea about having your wedding rings combined into a new piece of jewellery is very interesting. I am still wearing my wedding ring. I have Annita's wedding ring, which is identical, and the 'tree of life' necklace she always wore, in my bedside drawer. I have no idea what to do with them at the moment but have thought I'd like to wear them.

itsaldramarama · 23/11/2020 12:57

Hi peach
Sorry for your loss , I can relate so much , I lost my partner of 28 years 7 weeks ago and I think it's getting harder , I feel like you , expecting him to walk in the door or I think I must tell him something that's happened and then realise he isn't there , trying to be strong for my son who was 13 two days after watching his beloved dad die , it's so surreal isn't it
Hoping time is a healer as they say , I had his fingerprint put on a pendant which is a comfort as I often just sit and feel the indents
I want some jewellery made from the ashes but can't bring myself to open them just yet

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 23/11/2020 12:59

Peace I have no idea who you are of course, but you were in my dream last night, I think it was maybe this time next year and you were posting in a really calm and purposeful way, and said you were managing to feel happy and had lots of plans.

peachgreen · 23/11/2020 14:20

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel oh what a lovely thing to say, thank you so much. I very much hope that dream comes true. Also your username is lyrics from the last musical Mike and I ever saw together - another lovely coincidence.

@itsaldramarama I'm so sorry for your loss. I can definitely see how things will get harder before they get easier. I'm only on 4 weeks and I'm still feeling so numb and disbelieving. I think as it sinks in more it will become more painful. I'm trying to use as much of the strength I can muster during this numb period as possible to store up reserves for then. I was thinking of having some ashes made into jewellery too as I think it's a beautiful idea but also I know my Mike would have hated the idea so I don't think I will. He wanted our ashes combined and scattered together so for now they're at the funeral directors.

@joystir59 I'll post a picture once it's done so you can see if it's something you might consider. I just know that I won't want to always wear them on my ring finger - regardless of whether or not I ever meet anyone else, it feels somehow misleading - but also I know I want to wear them somehow forever and a necklace seems the best way to do that. Also having the two of them linked together forever feels meaningful to me as I will always, always love him.

@UpHereForDancing Thank you, it really does comfort me to know that others have managed to get past such a loss and go on to find some kind of happiness, especially children. I worry so much for my daughter as she was so close to her Daddy and I don't know how I could ever be enough of a parent to come even close to making up for losing him.

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petalpower · 23/11/2020 14:41

Still in my thoughts Peach. Flowers

SweetShopSurprise · 23/11/2020 16:53

Still thinking of you everyday Peach. I’m so proud of you, you’ve been an absolute trooper these last 4 weeks, really you have. Never forget that. I see a bright future for you. I hope you’re still getting lots of RL support

bearlyactive · 23/11/2020 17:07

I keep thinking of you every day peach. If Mike knew how strong you're being, he'd be so incredibly proud. And when she's older, Lyla will look back on this time and remember how strong her mummy was, how she resolutely marched on even though every atom of her being was screaming to give up.

LimeLemonOrange · 24/11/2020 00:10

Still thinking of you Peach. Thanks

FuckYouCorona · 24/11/2020 02:12

You're doing so well Peach Flowers Glad you've started up a new thread!

Pavlova31 · 24/11/2020 02:20

Thinking of you tonight Peach Flowers

forgetthehousework · 24/11/2020 11:34

Still in my thoughts and prayers Peach.
Also thinking of all of you who have also lost husbands and partners Flowers

peachgreen · 24/11/2020 14:20

Thank you all

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petalpower · 24/11/2020 15:17

You blog is so inspiring. You’re amazing Peach.

peachgreen · 24/11/2020 18:16

Struggling a lot this evening. Just so sick of being without him. I miss him so much. As I was walking back from the village I imagined opening my own front door and him being there with Lyla and it was just so lovely and I'm honestly broken that I won't get it again. God I want him back.

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LimeLemonOrange · 24/11/2020 19:10

I wish I had a magic wand and could magic him back for you Peach.

Well done for getting through another day today.

How many days since he died?

If it helps, tell us about him. What were his favourite foods? Did he like watching TV?

NoSquirrels · 24/11/2020 19:11

Oh peach. It is awful, that feeling of being sure you will see someone again, that they just went away for a while and now they're back right where you expect them - the longing for it. Even when our rational minds know the truth. Much love to you.

I think the idea of the jewellery is excellent. After her mother's death, my DGM had her mother's wedding ring, and her own wedding ring (she was widowed really quite young, though not as young as you are) made into a beautiful, classic Celtic intertwined circle. It's unique and meaningful. I think if her husband had worn a wedding ring she would have done something similar.

SandysMam · 24/11/2020 19:19

Just read your blog, if your husband could walk back through that door he certainly would say you have done SO well. The people you will help in the future don’t even know it yet. Thinking of you and sending love and strength Flowers

MrsPworkingmummy · 24/11/2020 19:44

Peach, you're an inspiration. I really hope your blog goes on to help others. You will be enough for Lyla. More than enough.

hashbrownsandwich · 24/11/2020 19:51

I've not read all your posts but you resonate with me because our husbands are the same age and we both have daughters with the same name.
I'm crap with words so won't say anything of any use. Just wanted to say you should be so, so proud of yourself because I'm sure your husband is x

EarringsandLipstick · 24/11/2020 20:05

Wanted to add my voice to those who've read your threads fully & thought of you often.

Thanks for sharing your loss with us, I'm sure the honesty & love with which you write has helped many ❤️

MrsPworkingmummy · 24/11/2020 20:06

I've just read your whole blog. It's wonderful and I'm sure will be a huge source of comfort to Lyla too. I loved the story of how you met... It was a real life fairytale.

Identitytheftisnotajoke · 24/11/2020 22:36

Your blog is wonderful. You write so beautifully and clearly. I had the conversation about wishes if one of us should die with my husband this morning. Thank you, it's comforting that he would know what I wanted if I were to die now, and I'm sure Mike felt the same. You are doing him so proud.

MissScarlettOhara · 24/11/2020 23:08

Your blog is brilliant, you are such a talented writer. Do keep it up, I will definitely be reading it. I can't wait to read more about you and Mike's story of meeting and falling in love.

Also, you are doing so so well. Like previous posters have said, Mike would be so proud.

Queenest · 25/11/2020 00:38

Still thinking of you Peach. I have just read your blog of how you and Mike met and it’s truly beautiful. I love that you are capturing your own love story on paper. It’s wonderful to read. x