My husband has died 2

[peachgreen]

Just starting a new thread. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me so far. I honestly can't tell you how much it has helped. I've read and reread your posts in the middle of the night when I feel most alone and it has honestly and truly kept me alive at points. I'm so grateful.

Over the next two weeks I have what would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and Mike's 43rd birthday to get through. I'm dreading them. But I also want to mark them somehow. I think I might buy myself a watch to mark our anniversary, one featuring wood. I've also contacted a local jewellers - I'm going to get our wedding rings interlinked and made into a necklace so I can wear them always, no matter what happens in future.

This feeling of being married and yet not married, a wife and yet not a wife, is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I feel half a person, like my purpose for living has gone. I'm carrying on for my daughter and I am finding some joy in her - especially as she gets more like her Daddy every day - but mostly I spend my days in a sort of disbelieving, numb haze. I keep expecting him to just walk back in the door and give me a big cuddle and tell me how well I've done and now we can get back to normal.

I miss him so, so much.

Your photo is beautiful and it made me teary. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Peach I saw this thread about grief on Twitter and thought of you.

twitter.com/claremackint0sh/status/1336975663564251136?s=21

Thank you everyone and thank you for the link @catfearer.

Having another really tough weekend. Just fell while running around with Lyla at the park and as well as really hurting myself I just feel so useless as a parent. She would be so much better off with Mike. I feel so sorry for her being stuck with me. It's just set off so much self loathing which I hoped I had left behind a long time ago. I miss him so much, I just so desperately want a cuddle from him.

Oh @peachgreen I hope you're not hurt too badly? I know how it feels when you've hurt (and probably scared) yourself and just want someone else to be the adult for a minute. Sending you a big hug.

I'm sure Lyla enjoyed the trip to the park anyway, well done for getting outside with her, that's such a big achievement in itself. Not useless at all. Keep going, just one day at a time my love x

It's stupid how much falling over as an adult hurts! All my muscles are aching and my knee is already twice the size it should be. Nothing ibuprofen won't fix though I'm sure.

Thank you. I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today to be honest. It'll pass, tomorrow is another day.

@peachgreen, I have just caught up with all your latest blog posts. They’re so wonderfully written and I’ve just shed a few tears reading the Mike’s birthday’s one. Eurgh, feeling angry at the universe on your behalf again.

Also, please say you’ve reported the low life scum who’s still continuing to troll you. Unhinged doesn’t even cover it, disgusting.

Anyway, just to say I hope you recover from the fall soon (I have a horse and in the rare times I take a fall nowadays, my 33 year old body always feels it so much more, I ache like a bitch for ages after) and that you’re doing amazingly well and Lyla is so lucky to have you. Remember, she’ll soon grow up and be a comfort/ friend to you. Parenting a toddler single handedly will be tough, but people do manage and you will too. I hope you still have lots of IRL support.

Hi @peachgreen. Be kind to yourself. I understand where the self loathing is coming from,but you really need to try and be rational and look at all you have achieved. So you fell over. Yes, you might be embarrassed but it's something that happens to us all. You've got so much on your mind and it's an achievement in itself that you're putting one foot in front of the other. You took Lyla to the park - amazing. Don't feel bad about hating being a mothet/adult at times. It's overwhelming and takes its toll. I often think 'where are the grown ups' then realise its me. You are an inspiration and I look forward to your next blog

Missing him so, so much today. Just went through some old photos and videos and it hit me all over again how irreplaceable he is. He was so kind and loving and good, and he loved me so unconditionally. Can't imagine ever finding anything like that, or anyone like him, ever again.

Have followed your story right from when Mike was in hospital. Such a heartbreaking story. I can't imagine losing someone so special.

No words of wisdom- just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your DD. ❤️

Thank you Brigit. It has been impossibly hard and honestly at the moment it feels like it's just getting harder. But I'm hoping that's normal.

Still thinking of you and Lyla Peach. I think grief comes in waves so it’s not surprising that you feel the way you do. Take care.

You're still in my prayers.

Thank you both.

Really finding this week so, so tough. I can't believe my beautiful boy is gone. He was just so utterly perfect for me and now here I am at 36 and I have to either be alone for the rest of my life or deal with the hideous dating scene. I'd been talking to a widower last week - totally platonically, just as a support - and then he went on a date a few days ago and completely ghosted me. That's men, isn't it? I thought we were talking as friends because we had both been through the same thing but actually he was just looking for someone to shag and once he found someone - the week after his wife's funeral - he wasn't interested in even being a friend. And that's me just trying to find a FRIEND. I'm just so angry that my wonderful, kind, loyal, loving Mike is gone and there are so many scumbags out there. I'm just so gutted that I'm going to have to go through life without him, without a soulmate, with a partner and Lyla has to go through life without a Daddy. I'm just so, so sad.

No words(I am rubbish at that!)
But thinking of you Peach.

I'm sorry he ghosted you like that. I suppose he's dealing with his grief in his own way, however strange that may feel to us.

I still think about you often. I keep coming back to check the thread.

I genuinely a believer in when somebody go, they come back to be with us somehow. I'm sure Mike is all around you. He's watching you and with you. Keep going, you're doing great.

How is Lyla? Is she excited for Santa? Xx

Sorry you were ghosted. People deal with grief in very strange ways and it’s a reflection on him not you.

Sorry everyone. Posted last night after an ill advised glass of Bailey's. It's totally fine and honestly if he's found some kind of happiness then good for him.

My 2021 resolution is to figure out how to be happy on my own, without a romantic partner. I haven't done it since I was 16 so it seems incomprehensible but I know that I need to learn because a) it will be a long time before I feel anywhere near ready to open up to someone else because right now all I want is Mike back and that can't happen and b) even if I did meet someone I have to take things slow because of Lyla. So I'm just working on accepting that I'm going to be on my own for a while and learning how to make that life fulfilling and happy. I honestly have no idea how to do that but at least I've started thinking about it.

The run up to Christmas is very hard. Missing him totally and completely. Life feels very very sad without him. He was such a beautiful man and it's so unfair that he's not here any more.

Still following your news Peach. Just focus on Mike and all the memories.

You'll do it, Peach. Right now, you're hurting. My granddad recently lost my nana after 60 years together and he said to me last night, the hurt will eventually get lesser and lesser, and it won't hurt when I open my eyes each day, but the memories will never get lesser and lesser, they'll be with me forever.

I really hope that's how it works for you. Letting go of the pain eventually, in your own time, doesn't mean you're letting go of Mike of your memories. I hope as you go in to 2021, it gets more bearable for you.

Lots of love to you and Lyla xx

Hey @peachgreen, just checking in. I'm thinking of you and Lyla often. I'm sorry you're having a particularly shit couple of days. Are you still receiving support from the mental health/bereavement team? What are your plans for Christmas Day? Xx

Hoping you're ok, @peachgreen, and getting any support you need.

I'm finding it hard, as Charlie and I always had lovely, quiet Christmases together, just the two of us. But I will be with some of his family on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, and I feel very privileged - almost as though they've adopted me. And very lucky.

I hope you manage to find solace of some sort.

Resurfacing after a few weeks to offer an unMumsnetty hug for what will be one of the most difficult Christmases of your life [hugs]

Hi Peach x Thinking of you xx Let us know how you are.

Hi all. Sorry I've not posted for a while. You're all so kind to keep checking up on me.

Christmas Eve was Mike and I's favourite day of the year so it's been pretty tough today. I've kept it together for Lyla thanks to help from his family - we did carrots for Rudolph and mince pies and whatnot. But now she's on bed and I'm just really, really longing for him. This would be the time that we'd have wine and watch It's A Wonderful Life and cry and cuddle and tell each other how lucky we were and how blessed and how much we loved each other. Honestly, the thought that I'll never see him again is making me want to scream. I just don't know how I'm still going. The loss is so enormous. I miss him so, so much.

And the worst thing is he's the only person I want to talk to about it. The only person who could comfort me in this grief.