My husband has died 2

[peachgreen]

Just starting a new thread. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me so far. I honestly can't tell you how much it has helped. I've read and reread your posts in the middle of the night when I feel most alone and it has honestly and truly kept me alive at points. I'm so grateful.

Over the next two weeks I have what would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and Mike's 43rd birthday to get through. I'm dreading them. But I also want to mark them somehow. I think I might buy myself a watch to mark our anniversary, one featuring wood. I've also contacted a local jewellers - I'm going to get our wedding rings interlinked and made into a necklace so I can wear them always, no matter what happens in future.

This feeling of being married and yet not married, a wife and yet not a wife, is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I feel half a person, like my purpose for living has gone. I'm carrying on for my daughter and I am finding some joy in her - especially as she gets more like her Daddy every day - but mostly I spend my days in a sort of disbelieving, numb haze. I keep expecting him to just walk back in the door and give me a big cuddle and tell me how well I've done and now we can get back to normal.

I miss him so, so much.

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I checked in - @joystir59, for some reason I wasn't notified of your last post so I'm sorry to have missed it. I identify very much with what you said - that small thread keeps me moving forwards too, even though often I'm not entirely sure why.

I'm almost 11 months on now and the year mark is definitely creeping up on me. This time last year DH was getting ready to come home from hospital - our lives changed forever, but looking like we would be able to get back on track. When I think about it all it just seems so utterly unreal. Comprehending the reality of his death is still an impossibility, even almost a year on, and I feel exhausted by the fact that every day for 11 months it has consumed me. It's so draining!

Tonight was hard as Strictly was back and instead of watching it with him and getting excited about the festive season starting, I had to try and wrangle my daughter into bed and missed half of it while I did. But in general I guess I'm plodding along okay. No great changes other than I finally worked up the strength to clear out my house ready to rent out, so that's progress. It was awful though, truly gutting. But it's done.

There nothing I can say to make it better but you have many strangers who think of you and are willing you on and wishing you well.

Thinking of you today xxx

@peachgreen how are you doing?

How are you doing? I think of you often

Hello everyone. For some reason I don't get notifications of posts on this thread any more so I missed your kind messages. Thank you for thinking of me.

I am up and down. Life is moving forward slowly. Lyla is wonderful - bright and funny and brave and just the best thing in my life. She is starting to experience her own grief now, I think - she talks a lot about her Daddy and things they did together (some real memories, some fictional), and she will sometimes cry for him. But in general she's doing really, really well. I am doing not quite so well. I mean, I'm okay, I'm functioning - but that's about all. And it sort of feels like that's all I'm going to get, really - just functioning. But I'm plodding on regardless in the hope that something changes, things get better somehow. I'm just not sure how.

This year's big challenge is to learn to drive. I had never needed to before, either living in London or having Mike, but now I really need to. I've had about 8 lessons but they were before Mike died, so I need to pick it up again. I'm dreading it. But it has to be done.

Hi @peachgreen.

How are you?

Life is so difficult right now. Makes everything seem different. Wanted to just say a stranger is thinking of you and your little girl .