My husband has died 2

[peachgreen]

Just starting a new thread. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me so far. I honestly can't tell you how much it has helped. I've read and reread your posts in the middle of the night when I feel most alone and it has honestly and truly kept me alive at points. I'm so grateful.

Over the next two weeks I have what would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and Mike's 43rd birthday to get through. I'm dreading them. But I also want to mark them somehow. I think I might buy myself a watch to mark our anniversary, one featuring wood. I've also contacted a local jewellers - I'm going to get our wedding rings interlinked and made into a necklace so I can wear them always, no matter what happens in future.

This feeling of being married and yet not married, a wife and yet not a wife, is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I feel half a person, like my purpose for living has gone. I'm carrying on for my daughter and I am finding some joy in her - especially as she gets more like her Daddy every day - but mostly I spend my days in a sort of disbelieving, numb haze. I keep expecting him to just walk back in the door and give me a big cuddle and tell me how well I've done and now we can get back to normal.

I miss him so, so much.

peachgreen. I have carefully followed your post from day one but have never posted on it before now.

I lost my husband of 53 years a year and two days ago. I know our situation is different, I nursed him for three years, the last six weeks I spent almost every moment with him.

I so understand how you feel about the dawning realisation that Mike will never come back.

Grief can bend your mind and perceptions horribly cruelly at times. First, I never thought my husband would ever die (I was17 and he 19) when we met, never thought about it. If it ever occurred to me I just dismissed the thought. In my grief I just though we would dissolve together.

I fully expected my husband to come back. I really am a sane and rational responsible person but every time I heard a car outside I thought he had come home. I would sit thinking he would call me by phone as he always did before he became too unwell.. A short trip to the shops always meant at least one call from him.

It was the first anniversary on Friday. Beforehand I worried how it would go and how I would feel. Of course in my mind I relived every moment of that awful day. I was surprised to find the anniversary a bit of an anti climax after all my preparations.

I was told the second year is harder because you realise, against all hope, that this very unique and much loved person is never ever coming back and you will never see them again.

To my amazement I woke up on Saturday, the day after the anniversary and I did feel different in some way. I still love my husband very much and you know the pain of missing someone so very special and important to you. He was truly my other half and soulmate of 53 years. I just feel amputated. But..... somehow I realise that his life span is over but mine still goes on and it is up to me to make the very most of the time a I have left, but in a very different direction to you but the theory of it is still the same. I have to go on alone, though I have sons and friends.

You and Lyla must make a new life, unsure and scary as this will be.. I sincerely hope you find happiness again and it will be up to you what path you take for yourself eventually. Lyla will grow up and she will find her path, let’s hope with someone who loves her and is as special to her as Mike was to you.

Everyone bereaved is told things do get better, that you learn to live with the grief and longing, you just deal with it better with time.

I still have tearful moments. Just the other day I saw a special brand of sausages in the supermarket and thought I would get them for my husband as he really liked them. I then realised I would never need to buy them again.

Near Valentine’s Day I was reduced to tears in a shop when I saw cards “To my darling husband”. These realisations happen out of the blue and they do knock you off balance for a few minutes but we must learn to live with them.

Life does not get better it gets different and we must plan for how we want to go on on the rest of our journey. You sound such a lovely caring person peachgreen and I do hope you will soon find happiness and contentment and for Lyla too, you make a great team. I know Mike is close by both of you and will be proud his girls are doing so well even though at times you don’t feel you are.

Thank you @dodiebantock. I am so, so sorry you lost your darling husband, and after such a long and happy marriage. It is the most unbearable pain and you are so kind to reach out to me.

It's funny, I didn't get notified of this response but I came looking for the thread tonight as I'm having a really hard time - probably the worst since the early days. To find your kind and caring message has really helped. Thank you.

I miss him so, so deeply. Right now I can't see a future without him. But I know that you're right. I need to build something for me and for Lyla.

While I was searching I found this old post I'd made about him. All so true, felt every day from the day I met him to the day he died.

Hope you're OK this morning peach. You're doing amazing even if you feel you aren't

Hello @peachgreen. Still thinking about you regularly and sending the warmest thoughts. So sorry to hear you are having an especially difficult time at the moment.

Thank you @wiseoldelf and @words. A tough day but I'm up and working, albeit not very efficiently. Feel very wiped after a long and lonely night of weeping.

There are some days when just getting out of bed is a major feat Peach.

Lying on the bed surrounded by clean laundry and just feeling utterly defeated. There's nobody in the world I like anywhere near as much as I liked Mike and it's just so hard to see a time where I don't feel completely lost and alone without him. I just miss my best pal tonight, I really do.

I'm so sorry for your loss peachgreen.

I don't know if you have heard of Nora McInerny? She has written a few books about the loss of her husband and she has done an incredibly powerful and poignant TED talk - We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it -
I hope it might help you in some small way.

Hang in there peachgreen. You're doing so incredibly well. Mike would be so proud of you.

Thank you everyone. @Mintyflesh yes I've watched her TED talk and bought her book (though I've not read it yet). It was very inspiring although there's a big part of me that feels happy endings for widows only happen to the hot ones!

I had my Covid jab yesterday and ended up in hospital with a bad reaction. It was so scary, I was convinced I was dying (I'm okay now). Missed him so much and it was so upsetting to be going through what he went through, if that makes sense. Tough day.

Hi peachgreen, I hope you're feeling much better now, that must have been very scary. Will you not be able to have the second jab now?

It sounds a bit like you had hit the next 'wall' of grief. It's still early days, although it probably feels never-ending to you.

6 months today (well, yesterday). Fuck.

Thank you all for being here. I didn't think I'd make it this far and you are a big part of why I did.

I still think of you a lot peach

How are you feeling?

I feel very weird. I think if I thought too much about how much I miss him and how much my life has changed for the worse in 6 months I would collapse. But I also feel like it's an achievement to have made it this far. I think he would be proud of me. I just wish I could see him again. It feels very unreal still that he's not coming back. And I feel very lonely.

Gosh peach, 6 months - you are doing amazingly well and it IS a massive achievement. I am sure Mike would be immensely proud of you; you've kept it together and you're still going.

How are you doing OP?

💐

How are you doing @peachgreen

Was thinking about you peach, how are you doing?

Hello all, sorry for the delayed response - for some reason I don't get notified of replies on this thread any more.

It will be 10 months in a fortnight and to be honest, things are pretty bad. My living situation is very uncertain and it looks like I'll soon be forced to make a final decision on what to do with the house Mike and I lived in and where Lyla and I should live now. I don't feel anywhere near ready to do so, if I'm honest, but circumstances are out of my control so it has to be done. My work, who have been pretty good thus far, are out of patience now I think and are hinting very heavily that I need to get back up to full capacity (in terms of project delivery - I've been working my normal hours for 6 months now). And the support from friends has tailed off - a combination of people naturally disappearing as the event gets further from their minds and their own circumstances becoming more pressing (i.e. my best local friend has just had a baby). So I'm feeling increasingly isolated and lonely. I tried dating a few months ago but very quickly realised I'm nowhere near ready so have shelved that for at least a year - all I want is Mike back and anything else makes me feel worse, which isn't fair on me or anyone else. I'm trying to focus on some hobbies and have been sea swimming and gone to a few sewing classes, but all of that seems very overwhelming the past few weeks and I very much feel right back where I was in terms of grief.

It's very hard to see a future for myself and I feel overwhelmed with anxiety about it. I feel devastated that I've ended up stuck in a life I would never have wanted - being a single mum (not that there's anything wrong with that but I find it incredibly challenging and would never have chosen to do it) and living far away from my own family and closest friends. I feel totally trapped by circumstances - I can't afford to leave NI and I also know it's the best place for Lyla to be, so couldn't move back to England even though I would like to for myself. So all in all, it's very tough.

And on top of that, of course, is the daily agony of Mike's absence. My self-esteem has taken such a huge battering without him here to love me - I feel unwanted and annoying, like nobody could ever care for me in that way again, like I have nothing to offer friends, let alone a romantic partner. I feel I'm spiralling into depression and I can't get the support I need - I can't afford private counselling, my GP is beyond unhelpful and I've already accessed the charitable services I'm entitled to. I'm at crisis point, really, but there's nowhere to turn to. I'm just so lost and I miss him so intensely. It feels as though there's nothing left for me beyond the responsibility of caring for my daughter. If she wasn't here I wouldn't be either, and I can't help secretly longing for that, in many ways.

We are all here for you to talk to. You've got a huge amount to process right now and like you say it feels like everyone around you has gone back to 'normal' while you feel anything but.

Can you speak to a different gp?

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. Unfortunately time marches on and life gets in the way for people however supportive they are.
Why is it best for your daughter to stay in NI if you would feel happier in England. If it makes you feel at all better then surely that's better for her too.
I know it's a big thing to even think about but there will be different support you can access, different GP, and not the constant bittersweet memories you're faced with daily.
Thinking of you both and sending love

Thank you @delishdelosh and @baggies.

You can't move GPs at the moment due to Covid but I do want to as soon as I can.

Lyla would definitely have a poorer quality of life in London - we would be much worse off financially, the schools aren't as good (schools in NI are outstanding), she wouldn't be as safe etc etc. And in all honesty my family support probably wouldn't be as practical and hands-on as it is here, even though I don't have LOADS over here. My mum is disabled and my dad is her full time carer so they're not really able to do much (no criticism at all, they're amazing and supportive). And my cousins, who I'm very close to, all have their own young children and busy lives.

I do totally get why others have moved on and I'm not at all angry with them - just finding it very hard to adjust to. I feel like things are worse now rather than better, but I don't have that cushion of support that I did back then.

I guess maybe you have to weigh up whether it's more important to have a better standard of living and outstanding school or the support of your parents and cousins. I'm not meaning this in judgement at all. They're all important aspects of your life and it's really very early days to be even contemplating big changes. Try and park it for now and try and live in the present.
Although you can't change your GP is there another one at your practice you can see?
Your mental health is critical to Your life improving. I'm sorry That I can't suggest anything really but as others have said on here talk, vent, cry and we will support you. You are not alone x

Thinking of you @peachgreen.

I'm so sorry to read your latest update and that you feel so trapped. I am especially angry on your behalf that your employers are putting the pressure on. It is still very early days. Can they not see this?

I think of you often. Your writing, here and elsewhere is very powerful, and I have found much wisdom to reflect on in your blog. I just wish with all my heart that your insights had not been learned in such tragic circumstances and at so very high a price.

@peachgreen
Hi there. I was around from your first very sad post here and followed your blog. It's just over a year since my wife died and I have just read your recent posts. I can so identify with how difficult life feels as time passed. I miss her so much and it seems fucking incredible that it's over a year since she died, and yet at some level I'm still completely in shock still processing the trauma of her illness and death. I find it very difficult to make decisions, I feel as if I'm going through the motions and find life exhausting, yet some small thread keeps me trying and moving albeit it slowly, forward. I'm an artist but really struggle to create- I'm severely lacking in energy and motivation, opportunities abound yet taking action require so much of me! I'm so tired. We were a team. I want my team mate back!