My husband has died 2

[peachgreen]

Just starting a new thread. Thank you so much for all the support you have given me so far. I honestly can't tell you how much it has helped. I've read and reread your posts in the middle of the night when I feel most alone and it has honestly and truly kept me alive at points. I'm so grateful.

Over the next two weeks I have what would have been our fifth wedding anniversary and Mike's 43rd birthday to get through. I'm dreading them. But I also want to mark them somehow. I think I might buy myself a watch to mark our anniversary, one featuring wood. I've also contacted a local jewellers - I'm going to get our wedding rings interlinked and made into a necklace so I can wear them always, no matter what happens in future.

This feeling of being married and yet not married, a wife and yet not a wife, is the strangest thing I've ever experienced. I feel half a person, like my purpose for living has gone. I'm carrying on for my daughter and I am finding some joy in her - especially as she gets more like her Daddy every day - but mostly I spend my days in a sort of disbelieving, numb haze. I keep expecting him to just walk back in the door and give me a big cuddle and tell me how well I've done and now we can get back to normal.

I miss him so, so much.

Thanks all. I just wasn't expecting to be confronted with something so horrendous so soon after losing Mike. All I want is him here to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be okay. Feeling very alone although my friends are being great.

The prospect of a life alone is stretching ahead of me and feels very frightening.

I can't stop thinking about his face when I found him. I feel like I'm going mad. Why the fuck didn't I check him sooner? What if I could have saved him? My life is ruined because I was putting the fucking shopping away.

@peachgreen, unfortunately it probably wouldn't have made a difference if you had checked him sooner. 😥
I'm sorry you're having flashbacks - this is very common and will pass in time. It's just an awful thing to endure.

How is your little girl doing? Are you getting much support, the two of you?

Sending you hugs Peach xx

Are you getting support in the form of counselling? Is your GP being a support? Cruse? It is such a difficult time for you, please take up all offers of help, it will slowly get easier x

@peachgreen, the "what ifs" are a nightmare. My "what if" is if I'd got Charlie to go to the doctor when he first had the symptoms that he (and I) thought was indigestion or a hiatus hernia, they might have done an ECG and picked up his heart problems.

But I didn't, so they didn't, and I know that getting him anywhere near a doctor was like trying to move a mountain. The frequency of those thoughts is much reduced now.

It's very unlikely that you could have done anything that would have changed the outcome, I'm afraid. But it's entirely natural to have those thoughts.

@LakieLady I'm so sorry about Charlie. I have those thoughts too - he called the GP 3 times and every time they prescribed him something new - for asthma or reflux or a chest infection - despite his family history of cardiomyopathy. But it really helps to hear you and @Horsemad reassuring me that likely there was nothing that could have been done. The paramedics and Mike's cardio nurse said the same. They said when someone:s heart goes into an unshockable rhythm even a full crash team standing by on alert are unlikely to be able to save them. But sometimes it's just so hard to remember when he was so full of life.

@Turtletotem I'm having phone counselling from Cruse and the lady I'm speaking to is lovely although she was very clear that at this early stage of grief really all they can offer is a listening service and a reassurance that the way I'm feeling and thinking is normal. I will access proper bereavement counseling later on, probably when we can (hopefully) see people face to face again.

Lyla is doing really well. She has the odd moment where she gets upset and cries for Daddy but it's hard to know if it's genuinely because she misses him or because she knows it always gets a reaction. But either way I'd rather play it safe and be there regardless, even if I do think she's just delaying bedtime! She talks about him most days and sometimes talks to him in heaven which is lovely. She is a bit clingy with me - well, not clingy, but she likes to know where I am - if I'm out the room she'll come and check on me every 15 minutes or so and when I'm not around she asks where I am and when I'm coming back. So there is a bit of separation anxiety there. But nothing dramatic, she still happily goes off with the childminder etc.

Thank you everyone for sticking with me on this thread. It helps so much.

I am glad you are getting some support,
I think you are doing great, one step at a time for you and your little one x

I just feel so angry this morning that my chance of a happy family life has disappeared. It feels so, so unfair. I love him so intensely and I was so good at it - I treated him so well, I never cheated or even thought about it, I was kind and caring and loving - I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know what for. It's all so surreal.

Angry is normal Peach, sometimes angry at yourself, sometimes angry at the world, sometimes angry at other people just because they are happy when you're not, and sometimes angry at the person who has died for leaving you.
It's allowed, you've got so much to be angry about.
Go outside and scream. The world is just not fair.

Peach I haven’t checked in in a while, life has gotten a bit mad. Just want to say that I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, I’m hoping and praying for you that it’s nothing serious.

You’re doing so well, I can’t imagine how tough life feels for you right now, but you’re soldiering on and by the sounds of it being an amazing mum to Lyla. Mike is so proud of you I’m sure.

I’m not surprised you have the anger, I’m sure it’s entirely normal and I’ve often felt like that on your behalf and I don’t even know you. Life is just an utter, utter bitch at times, so cruel and so unfair. However lie can also be wonderful and I truly believe you have some wonderful times ahead in your future.

Keep on soldiering on.

Peach, hoping you are ok and still checking in. I am so sorry to hear about your brother, but with advancement in medicine, there is so much out there now.

Hi all. Sorry I've not updated for a while. My brother has unfortunately officially been diagnosed with bowel cancer so it's been a really rough few weeks. So far all we know is that it isn't Stage IV which is good, but we have to wait for further tests to see if it's spread to his lymph nodes and if he needs chemo. He's only 32. I just can't really believe two such horrendous things can happen so close together. He's in England so I obviously can't see him right now which has been really hard. We're also in a very strict lockdown so I'm not able to see any friends or any of Mike's family either so honestly, it's just been a pretty horrendous time. I'm finding it really very hard being here without Mike and although I'm not actively suicidal or making plans, I really wouldn't mind if I just went to sleep and didn't wake up. I'm trying so hard and if you knew me in real life I don't think you would realise how much I'm struggling which I guess is part of the whole process, faking it until you make it or whatever. But God, it's exhausting. I'm fighting off tears all the time and I just can't see if getting any better. Life without Mike feels very, very bleak.

Oh Peach. Bloody hell. So sorry about your brother, cancer is an absolute bastard. Can you give yourself the day off from faking it and just give in to being exhausted and cry? Maybe you'd be better able to cope if you could just have one child-free day where you don't have to 'perform'. That was the thing I found hardest with little kids, always having to act like a CBeebies presenter, and I didn't have anything difficult to deal with.

Oh @peachgreen, I don’t even know what to say

You’re a bloody trooper if ever there was one!

I’m keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Please continue to lean on people IRL, you need to and you say people would think you’re fine if they saw you IRL, but people aren’t stupid, they’ll know you’re not okay after all the shit you’ve had to endure these last few months, they’ll be fully supportive in lending an ear I’m sure!

Sorry to hear the update on your brother @peachgreen.

Peach - are you totally alone? Are you able to see Mike's family? Sending love xxx

She said she can't see her late DH family.

I'm so sorry Peach. I don't post much but I do think of you and your dd.

Hi all. Thank you for the lovely posts - they really do help so much. I feel much less alone with this thread to come to. The good news is that there's no sign of DB's cancer having spread - he'll have surgery and then a round of preventative chemo but the consultant is very positive that everything will be fine, so I'm just holding on to that. We found out today and I feel absolutely exhausted tonight - I think all the nervous energy that's been keeping me going has just flooded out of my body and I'm a bit of a wreck. Unfortunately I now need to focus on getting my house ready for letting out which will involve getting some building work done as well as some cosmetics, and some more furniture removed and stored or disposed of. All complicated by the fact that I can't bear to go back in there...

@Marmunia1975 I'm not alone, thank God, as I have been staying with Mike's best friend and his wife who moved to our village just weeks before Mike got ill. They have a daughter the same age as mine and an older son. They have been an absolute Godsend - they have a big house so we all have our own space but they have also been wonderful company and helped where they can with Lyla when things have been too tough for me (only a few occasions thankfully). I can't see Mike's during lockdown unfortunately because they're too far away, I couldn't justify the travelling (it's about an hour and a half) and that is really tough. I miss them so much and they were the ones who were able to give me some real child-free time to grieve, which was very helpful. Hopefully the restrictions will ease a bit soon.

Last night I had a big sobbing session in the shower which definitely made today a little bit easier. I'm trying to remember that every cry is one closer to some kind of healing. But it's very tough.

It maybe doesn't feel like it but you are doing so well @peachgreen, keep going.

Thank you @Horsemad. I know I'm doing all the right things. It just all feels so hard and pointless. I miss Mike so very much. Today has been hard as it feels the world has turned a bit of a corner - but without him in it. Very empty for me.

Hello @peachgreen. Starting off with a huge squeezy hug.

That's good news re your brother. My mum had bowel cancer 18 months ago and is now confirmed cancer free. It's a pretty straightforward op, especially if it's confined to one place. My mum was out in 3 days and she's old. So that's something to hold onto. Totally shit that it's on top of everything else though.

You sound much better in the tone of your posts, probably fuelled by the shower-crying (shower crying is the best of all). Inching forward day by day.

Re the house preparations, you could explain to the trades people your situation and ask them to help in a way that means you don't have to go back. I've found the man with a van people are very lovely and helpful too - they are used to going and picking things up unaccompanied as they do a lot of eBay collections and deliveries. Maybe one of your lovely friends could be at the storage place to make sure it all gets packed in neatly and sensibly ?

Are there any respite / volunteer services or pre school that would help with Lyla? Just to give you a few hours here and there?

I'm just in awe of how you are coping, such an inspiration xx

Thank you @lightlypoached I was doing a bit better but cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a long time. But feel a little better this morning. Just plodding on really in the hope that things get better.

I'm very lucky re: the house - I think my BIL and SIL will help me pack up the remaining stuff (not that there is much) and I have a friend with a van who will bring it all down for me. And then BIL's brother has agreed to do the necessary work (not for free, I'm paying him, but it's so good to know it's someone I know and trust). So hopefully I shouldn't have to go into the house at all until I'm ready.

I'm also lucky with childcare - we've managed to get an at home childminder for only a little bit more than I was paying for Lyla's nursery so that makes life a lot easier for now. The responsibility of being a solo parent is quite crushing - I'm not a natural parent and I never, ever thought I'd be doing it alone - but she is so good and very easy most of the time so I'm very lucky.

In general I've been incredibly blessed, I have wonderful people around me and even though lockdown has made healing much harder everyone has been doing all they can to help me within the guidelines. But I just miss him so, so much and can't bear how the world is just moving on without him. But I know it has to happen.

Peach, your latest blog is so sad but so lovely.

Thanks @IncludeWomenInTheSequel. It's just all so staggeringly awful. It seems to be getting worse, not better.