Another MIL one...

(278 Posts)
anothermilone Sat 21-Aug-21 22:05:00

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

OP’s posts: |
Kindlethefourth Sat 21-Aug-21 22:07:50

YANBU. You, DD and DH have a long standing commitment to see friends that night don't you???!

NeverMetANiceOne Sat 21-Aug-21 22:07:55

Reply to apologise that you can't come because you, DH and DD are busy but have a lovely time.

Lindy2 Sat 21-Aug-21 22:09:01

I agree that's pretty odd.

Your DH should reply saying thanks for the invitation but you'll both be too busy getting things ready for DD's birthday party the next day.

LittleOwl153 Sat 21-Aug-21 22:10:10

Definitely don't go and don't let him take DD.
You need to get DH on side with this one.

OiPanda Sat 21-Aug-21 22:10:56

Unfortunately the 3 of you already have plans so can't make it, have a lovely time!

Brollypackedforscottishholiday Sat 21-Aug-21 22:11:25

Surely you will be at home blowing up balloons?. And mean it.
She is trying to get the glory of dd's day before you!!

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LatteLady Sat 21-Aug-21 22:12:09

Say, "What a lovely idea, but it's the night before DD's birthday, so we won't be able to make it." End of story.

LittleOwl153 Sat 21-Aug-21 22:12:37

Oh and whilst you are sorting this plan Christmas with your family - after all they are entitled to see you as much as she is and she has had the last however many years.
Definitely wouldn't be putting up with this.

AngelPrint Sat 21-Aug-21 22:12:53

People can only cross boundaries if you don’t stand firm. It’s up to you if you let her do what she wants but if you go along with it then it’s your own fault.

Simply tell her you’re all busy but will see her at DD’s party the next day.

Ellie56 Sat 21-Aug-21 22:14:32

hmm She sounds batshit.

Just don't go as you're too busy sorting stuff out for DD's birthday.

Spongeboob Sat 21-Aug-21 22:14:55

AngelPrint

People can only cross boundaries if you don’t stand firm. It’s up to you if you let her do what she wants but if you go along with it then it’s your own fault.

Simply tell her you’re all busy but will see her at DD’s party the next day.


This. Don't enable her. Grey rock. You're busy. She's obliterated boundaries previously. Don't let this carry on.

OiPanda Sat 21-Aug-21 22:15:14

Simply tell her you’re all busy but will see her at DD’s party the next day.

I'd say this, and in the family chat too (if they are all invited) so they know she's being weird

Cherrysoup Sat 21-Aug-21 22:15:25

YANBU and in your shoes, I just wouldn’t go, she’s clearly trying to gazump you!

Ellie56 Sat 21-Aug-21 22:15:45

And make sure you plan Christmas this year with your family.

Babyghirl Sat 21-Aug-21 22:16:03

@anothermilone
You will be busy thou yous have a table booked as a family to enjoy time together and then busy getting this ready for the nxt morning while dd has a bedtime and yous don't want to overstep that time as dd will be grumpy the nxt day with out her routine.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld Sat 21-Aug-21 22:16:13

Don't go. It was probably the last thing on your mind at the time but a formal complaint should have been made regarding inappropriate access to you after you'd given birth

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila Sat 21-Aug-21 22:16:36

I would not go or take DD. DH can go if he likes. MIL is being ridiculous.

Howshouldibehave Sat 21-Aug-21 22:16:59

AngelPrint

People can only cross boundaries if you don’t stand firm. It’s up to you if you let her do what she wants but if you go along with it then it’s your own fault.

Simply tell her you’re all busy but will see her at DD’s party the next day.

This.

I actually think this might make her think twice about making plans that involve you, without asking you first!

SarahAndQuack Sat 21-Aug-21 22:19:21

YY, for little ones the best part of a party is the anticipation - your DD will want to be getting all excited for her party, helping put together party bags, etc etc.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 21-Aug-21 22:19:29

when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes

Ok, I literally stopped reading right then and there. That was such an egregious, never mind illegal, breach of trust that my relationship with her would have been over right there and then. She is a fucking lunatic and can never be trusted.

Anything she has done from that point forward you have allowed.

Jubaju Sat 21-Aug-21 22:21:55

Just say you can’t make it 🤷🏼‍♀️
I wouldn’t let her dictate Christmas either

specialcase Sat 21-Aug-21 22:23:07

I mean I would think she’s trying to extend the celebrations if I’m honest. How does having two cakes make your birthday party any less???

I don’t see a problem here! Just someone wanting to celebrate more.

Also how many balloons are you blowing up by yourself that you can’t have a drink the day before??

The thing about the recovery room is not okay - but that’s a separate issue!!!

Pallisers Sat 21-Aug-21 22:31:13

I think I remember you posting about the recovery room thing. I thought she should have been sanctioned by the hospital tbh - what she did was plain wrong on every level.

She is clearly trying to preempt your party for your dd with her own party. If my lovely MIL did this (and she wouldn't because she is a very thoughtful lovely woman), I'd think she was a bit clueless but I'd go along with it because I'd know she would have not meant to hurt/diminish the party the next day - but YOUR mil. not a chance.

I'd reply "oh how nice for BIL. Sorry but we already have plans but see you the next day for dd's party"

Babdoc Sat 21-Aug-21 22:33:17

specialcase, you sweet, naive child! The MIL is pre-empting the birthday party the night before.
OP’s party will be downgraded to second place, after everyone has already celebrated at MIL’s house. It’s a naked power grab.
And her illegal behaviour at the hospital is not a separate situation, it’s part of a pattern of unacceptable behaviour, disrespect and boundary trampling.

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