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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL one...

277 replies

anothermilone · 21/08/2021 22:04

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
Tirediam · 22/08/2021 09:23

YADNBU

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 22/08/2021 09:23

It sounds like you've been wishy washy and not sure in the past so you... You need to shore up.. This is your red line and its a no.

Your allowed to say no, your allowed to say no for your dd and that's it.
You need to be solid with your dh. You ultimately need to make him fear you more than Mil sadly.

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 22/08/2021 09:24

It also sounds a little sad how your dh is running around after bil who didn't think to tell you before a five hour drive that you couldn't stay.

That shows how much he cares.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/08/2021 09:28

I'm not going, and I don't want DD going either. DH sees this as me being obstructive and making things difficult.

OP, you would be mad to send DD off to another party the night before her own! She’ll be tired and her own will be an anticlimax. DH needs to wake up.

DeathStare · 22/08/2021 09:29

@anothermilone

I'm not going to try to prevent DH going, if he wants to see BIL et al 3 days on the trot then thats fine and his decision. I'm not going, and I don't want DD going either. DH sees this as me being obstructive and making things difficult. He just absolutely does not see the issue with it at all. Over the years I've questioned whether I am being sensitive about MIL and these type of things (of which there are many). As I am an only child with only DM around, I've wondered whether I just struggle with the larger family dynamic or what not. You've all reassured me I don't! I don't know whether to fully have it out with DH about DD not going, which will just cause tension and stress for the rest of the week, or whether something will just come up on the day (I'm the one that would have to drop her off at MILs).
This really worries me OP.

He just absolutely does not see the issue with it at all
You've explained it to him though OP? In a language he speaks? So he does see the issue. Hes just telling you he doesn't so it makes you feel insecure about whether you are seeing things that aren't there. It's a form of gas-lighting. He personally wouldn't be upset by it - fair enough. But what hes doing here is saying that if your feelings don't match his they are invalid and he will pretend as though he can't see them.

DH sees this as me being obstructive and making things difficult
Your DD has two parents - you and your DH. NOT your MIL. Your MIL is trying to take over aspects that one of the parents (you) doesn't want her to take over. You are NOT being obstructive - your MIL is. She is literally obstructing you being able to throw a proper party for your daughter that won't be like "oh this again". You aren't being difficult, MIL is - she is doing something for a child that one of the parents does not want to happen. That's pretty much the definition of difficult. And unless your DH really thinks that the two people parenting your daughter should be him and his mother he KNOWS that she is the one being difficult and obstructive.

Over the years I've questioned whether I am being sensitive about MIL
Why have you questioned this? The responses to this post and to previous posts show that most people do not think you are being sensitive - in fact most people would have put their foot down a long time ago. So who is it that is making you feel like you are being too sensitive? Your DH?

You don't have a MIL problem. You have a DH problem. There would be no problem at all if your DH was prepared to stand in solidarity with you and say no to his mother. But he doesn't. And not only that but he convinces you that your feelings are silly, that there is no problem that anyone else but you can see. He is manipulating you and riding roughshod over your feelings, because he would rather you were hurt and upset than his mother was.

starfishmummy · 22/08/2021 09:33

I actually don't begrudge BIL at all - he lives his life however he chooses, visits when he wants, etc. That's absolutely fine as it's not him dictating things to us, it's always MIL but uses him as a reason to.

This could be my mil!!

And while she has never thrown ds a pre birthday party, like yours is doing, there have been various "antics" from her over the years!!

ChargingBuck · 22/08/2021 09:36

@anothermilone

Just to also note that BIL being there is the same reason I feel guilt tripped into Christmas with them every year - DH says its the only time they all get to be together etc. BIL is a 3 hr journey away and only visits yearly at Christmas usually. I don't think his lack of seeing his family should be the reason Christmas / DDs birthday is dictated to me.
DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.

DH likes to come off as laid-back, but in reality he's choosing the easiest option for himself. Sitting on the fence means you have to suck up this impromptu evening, in the same way you suck up the enforced Christmas arrangements.

You need to explain to him that the fact he only sees BiL at Xmas is down to him & his brother, not you! - & it's no longer your job to put up with being railroaded every Xmas just because neither of them can be arsed to arrange to see each other at any other time of the year.

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 22/08/2021 09:43

And.

Don't worry about being obstructive and difficult!!

He sees you like that, you see Mil like that..

So what..

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 22/08/2021 09:47

Death stare good post.

Sometimes I feel the issue is.. Lets say this time.. Dh is annoyed he feels your being unfair and kick up a fuss.. Give him grief.. However.. Usually I imagine you cave, so nothing changes because you moan, winge then cave.

This is why it's critical and so much easier to draw the line and say no.. And don't cave and don't get into arguments just keep saying.. This is not what chose this doesn't work for me dd not going no.

NowEvenBetter · 22/08/2021 09:50

How many threads are you going to start about this woman before you and your husband actually bother to do something? What advice would you like this time, exactly?

Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 09:52

I've replied, 'DD and I will be getting things sorted for the party on Saturday, but look forward to seeing you all there', in the family WhatsApp group.

I'm fairness, I know if BIL wasn't here, DH wouldn't be going so I'm not too bothered about him going this time. I even asked DD what she'd rather, and she said she wants to help with balloons and party bags. So that's that.

OP posts:
DontBeAHaterDear · 22/08/2021 09:56

You’re too busy to go, your child has an exciting day ahead (her actual birthday) so is having a nice calm day the day before. So she won’t be going either.

I’d be annoyed too. It’s so blatantly controlling. The only way you can really deal with people like this is to refuse to play the game, just say no, you’re not going along with it.

Notonthestairs · 22/08/2021 09:56

I think that's a very fair message. SH can go and hang out with his brother and you can ensure that the birthday girl gets a bit of rest before her party.

Good luck with Christmas!

Notonthestairs · 22/08/2021 09:57

DH not SH!

MeridianB · 22/08/2021 09:57

Good for you. Hopefully she won’t start bleating on the family group chat. Enjoy the fun with DD. 🎈

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 22/08/2021 10:03

@NowEvenBetter

Have you been in this situation?

Because I've never encountered anything like how rudely my mill treated me and how negative she was towards her own son. It was shocking and rather like the boiled frog analysis.

We went to relate a few times about her.

It nealry broke up my marriage.

I posted and will as other issues crop up posted loads about them because they did loads to me.
This is why people name change.

I think your comment is awful really... If you've been in this situation surley you understand its a mental and emotional process to learn to start being assertive and putting yourself first?

If you don't know about these dynamic why post at all? I

Wheretoeattweenandteen · 22/08/2021 10:04

Good message op well done.

You will feel more in control with each small line you draw and just say to your self..

It's not good for me and that's good enough to cause a stink if necessary..

forrestgreen · 22/08/2021 10:12

Your dh 'doesn't see the problem' because it's easier to upset you rather than his dm.
You need to change this.
Tell him now what your arrangements for Xmas is, if he wants to see bil around Xmas day that's fine but you're not spoiling a day for it

Dashel · 22/08/2021 10:15

Good for you!

Please do get yourself in a position where you can walk away if you want to. I know you love your DH but you need to have the option and if you are at a point you say to him, it’s time you put your family first or we go, then maybe if he knows you are serious, then it might make him realise where his priorities are.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/08/2021 10:16

Good reply, it puts a stop to her power grab and it's telling mil that DH is going to see his DB and not celebrate DD's birthday.
Now start making plans for Christmas, her family does not trump yours.

Watermelon40 · 22/08/2021 10:22

@Notonthestairs

DH not SH!
I thought you’d put that on purpose to mean stupid instead of dear!
Notonthestairs · 22/08/2021 10:26

Watermelon - I don't think he's stupid - he's just more willing to piss off his wife than his mother. I guess that might be stupid in the long term but it's working for him currently!

NowEvenBetter · 22/08/2021 10:29

You’ve wasted your time chastising me Whereto , I couldn’t be less interested. As I typed already, I wondered what advice specifically OP wanted this time. So many threads about this I feel like I’m a member of her family at this point, FS.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/08/2021 10:31

Waiting for the reply, plus the tears! How long until she’ll ring you’re DH complaint she’s spent a fortune on cakes and decorations?

whynotwhatknot · 22/08/2021 10:32

Glad you messaged that but yo0ur dh is the problem really not seeing what his dm is doing

the hospital thing should have been the last straw