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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL one...

277 replies

anothermilone · 21/08/2021 22:04

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 21/08/2021 22:39

She sounds awful! Do not attend.

Nojobforoldmums · 21/08/2021 22:39

If your ILs celebrate your DD birthday the night before, how many will actually come to the party you are hosting? Don't do it.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 21/08/2021 22:41

She's horrible. Ignore and don't go.
Also make plans for Christmas in your own home.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 21/08/2021 22:42

I would not let my husband go off to celebrate my sons birthday without me. Maybe that's controlling or uptight or whatever but I just wouldn't, you don't plan a birthday party for someone else's kid that excludes them.

Tell her you and DH won't be able to make it because you're both busy getting ready for DDs birthday party the next day.

She's trying to beat you to it and it's just wierd and overbearing.

I hope you and your husband put her straight about walking in on you post birth. God I'd be fuming.

PhoboPhobia · 21/08/2021 22:48

Don’t go but don’t say it’s because you’ll be busy getting ready for the party. She’ll offer to take DD to give you time to do what you need to do.

I agree with all those saying just tell her none of you can make it and repeat if she kicks off.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 21/08/2021 22:48

Agree with other pp, and I wouldn't want DH giving in and going alone, or saying he'll take DD round while you prep for the party. Be clear that the night before the party won't work for you as a family. I also think it's time to break the Christmas habit. The longer it goes on, the harder it'll be.

violetbunny · 21/08/2021 22:49

Oh god, you've posted about this woman before haven't you?

She is doing this for attention. The best thing you can do is not to feed the beast, and ignore her. Don't let her create drama.

"Sorry we're not available then, we'll see you the next day as planned". And don't be drawn into any hysterics, if she tantrums then just ignore her like you would a tantrumming child.

dottypencilcase · 21/08/2021 22:50

Have you posted about her before? I remember the post about her gatecrashing your child's birth.

godmum56 · 21/08/2021 22:58

YAVVVNBU and christmas happens at your house whenever you want it! Sounds like you need to start retraining your DP

Lysianthus · 21/08/2021 23:00

Please stand firm. If necessary tell your husband, in case he is in any doubt, that Friday will not be happening and that you are all busy. And have a lovely day on Saturday.

buckeejit · 21/08/2021 23:01

Either say sorry you can't make it as will be busy organising or will just pop in for 10 mins if it's nearby. Yanbu!

Notaroadrunner · 21/08/2021 23:02

Nah. Tell her you and Dh will be too busy getting ready for dd's party to attend her gathering.

purplebatbear · 21/08/2021 23:20

Wow. She's a special one, isn't she?!

So this is very huge and loud grey rock of a NO!

No - you won't be attending as you have plans (you don't need to elaborate - you owe her nothing).

No - you will BOTH not be celebrating DD's birthday the night bevies (you need to ensure your DH understand this is a batshit naked power grab)

No - you will not be doing Christmas at her house as you have other plans.

End of! No discussions and do not engage with any tantrums she then brings on.

Loopylobes · 21/08/2021 23:26

Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there

Why wouldn't you both be busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning?

Tulips15 · 21/08/2021 23:27

Simple,
you and DD don't go to MIL's party.

Bluntly tell her you will be prepping for the next morning and you dont want DD to be tired for her actual party and maybe next time she should let you know in advance and arrange after the party you've set up

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2021 23:30

The party before will ruin your party, people will have lost conversation having only just seen each other, MIL will FB your DD to all her friends.

I assume BIL had no idea either?

Your DH is being totally unreasonable, because “This matters to you” and that should be your mantra -

“I’m upset because it takes away from our party” “I’m not going because I’ve spent time and money preparing to give DD a great day”
“I’m unhappy because I ordered the best cake…games…gifts”
“I would be unhappy if you attended because I need you near to help me” etc

Dont make it’s about MIL and out your DH in the middle tell him what you need.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2021 23:32

Failing that just accidentally post on group chat “but honey I thought we were practicing for baby number 2 …Grin

TripleSeptic · 21/08/2021 23:33

"aw, nice idea, unfortunately it's too short notice for us because we'll be getting ready for DDS birthday, but if pre-parties are a thing now, we'll be there at your Christmas one, since we're not spending Christmas Day together this year!" 👍👍 😂😂

Chloemol · 21/08/2021 23:52

YANBU. Just don’t go. And dint let your dh take your child if he goes

Butterbeer4All · 22/08/2021 00:02

@AngelPrint

People can only cross boundaries if you don’t stand firm. It’s up to you if you let her do what she wants but if you go along with it then it’s your own fault.

Simply tell her you’re all busy but will see her at DD’s party the next day.

This is excellent advice
sst1234 · 22/08/2021 00:07

Chill out. So there is an extra celebration the day before, is that a hardship? What is wrong with people, honestly. Complaining about a grandparent throwing a celebration for their grandchild.

SemperIdem · 22/08/2021 00:09

Reading this I am horrified but also recognise the flagrantly unchecked unacceptable in my own mother. My siblings partner needs to brace themselves. It’s challenging being the daughter of women like your MIL too.

Stand your ground now and stay firm. Once boundaries are breached, they’ll take a firm hold.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/08/2021 00:15

@sst1234 surely most grandparents would check with the parents of said grandchild whether they were available for a celebration at their house. They also wouldn’t plan it the night before the main party being held by the parents.

They also wouldn’t demand that they could only do Christmas with them and disregard the DIL’s family and what she might like to do for Christmas

HollyStripes · 22/08/2021 00:57

YANBU. I would just apologise and say youre busy and cant come, as you have a party to arrange. However maybe a little tea party or whatever the weekend after would be welcomed.

TurquoiseDragon · 22/08/2021 01:18

@LittleOwl153

Oh and whilst you are sorting this plan Christmas with your family - after all they are entitled to see you as much as she is and she has had the last however many years. Definitely wouldn't be putting up with this.
Yes, sort Xmas how you want this year.

Don't give in to this power trip of hers, and don't let your DH try to talk you out of it. He needs to be backing you up here, and sstaying home with both you and DD.