Another MIL one...

[anothermilone]

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

[EKGEMS]

@ivy4iona I bet you could make a killing with the fertilizer you're churning out

[Loopylobes]

Being a grandmother is supposed to be a wonderful experience try and make it so.

If you ride roughshod over other people's family arrangements, you can expect them to refuse to cooperate with you.

The OP is being kind and measured in her responses, whilst also putting some boundaries in place to preserve her own and her DD's quality of life. She's doing a great job.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Live and respect is a two way street. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to be trampled on and bullied by others.

[AngelPrint]

@ivy4iona

just remember girls one day you will be MIL's (if you're lucky) I hope you don't have to deal with the hate that is dealt out here. You have all the power don't abuse it. I am shocked at all the bullying NC threats. Get a grip. Being a grandmother is supposed to be a wonderful experience try and make it so. You have all the power rule kindly. Think of your children and stop being so possessive and greedy. If you love your husband you should love his mother, the more you threaten her the more threatening she will become. You are treading on all her dreams. Her life.

What an utter load of shite!

Respect is earned. You reap what you sow.

[AtticusHoysAnus]

@ivy4iona

What a load of tripe.

[Mix56]

@Justilou1

My mother’s family was very much like that and she hated it. Of course when I had my first, she was exactly the same. (Went insane, tbh.) Lots of lies, manipulating, screaming, etc. Didn’t turn up to open presents and have breakfast as agreed on DD1’s first Christmas, then screamed down the phone at me for being rude and not showing up to the big lunch she had organized to show “her baby” off to her friends. We had told her all along that we had other plans. My dad had never been told that “they” had agreed to come for breakfast, and yet he had been her excuse for not showing, etc. She ended up hurling DD’s presents and a lot of obscenities over the fence and upsetting my DH’s 94yo grandmother who was visiting for lunch. (Suspect she was drink driving at the time too.) She was even worse when I had twins two years later. We lived in a different city 1000km away and she would fly in and stay for weeks. Unbearable.

Holy Cow

[anothermilone]

@BluebellsGreenbells

I wouldn’t worry about the WhatsApp group - there’s probably another one anyway!

It’s ok to let people see your annoyed - however I suggest you are the happiest person at the party and your mantra is that no one is going to upset you on this special day. Be over nice! Be overly kind and attentive. They hate to ‘said’ things about you which are then proven wrong!!

She wants you to look like the bad guy.

Do do that!

This is great advice!

[BluebellsGreenbells]

I wouldn’t worry about the WhatsApp group - there’s probably another one anyway!

It’s ok to let people see your annoyed - however I suggest you are the happiest person at the party and your mantra is that no one is going to upset you on this special day. Be over nice! Be overly kind and attentive. They hate to ‘said’ things about you which are then proven wrong!!

She wants you to look like the bad guy.

Do do that!

[PersonaNonGarter]

We had an IL who left the family WhatsApp group and we allow thought it was lame.

You need to be a bit more resilient to this stuff OP. It’s annoying that they said that stuff but sod them, don’t let it make you livid. You can only control yourself - so just do that. Make decisions then act on them - job done. If DH undermines you … well that’s not an in law problem…

[sbhydrogen]

Send DH without DD so the birthday girl isn't there 😂

[Imstillmagicdamnit]

Heads up, "The Mirror" are running this on their website today 🤦🏻‍♀️

[maddy68]

I don't think that's unreasonable at all tbh. It's a get together. Why not? It's also not unreasonable to not attend if you don't want to. Just say it's your daughter's birthday party the following day and you don't want her over tired for the party

[billy1966]

OP,
I mean this kindly, but you write that your husband only sees the best in people and finds it hard to understand.

Is he dim?
Has he limited capacity?
Or is he just plain stupid?

Because if he's not, after all you have written about her shocking behaviour, particularly in the hospital, whst is so hard for him to understand? exactly?

I would suggest it suits HIM very well to play obtuse and confused.

It allows him to be a weak selfish man who puts what's easiest for HIM ahead of you.

Even when you are unbelievably vulnerable, having given birth.

Many women wouldn't have had another child with such a wimp that would allow his mother to barge into where his wife was.

I'm glad to see you beginning to stand up for yourself.

What must your mother think of the 'man' you married and his family goidness knows.

Just awful.

Stay strong and protect yourself as it really is only your mother who has your back.

Be wary of allowing her to be sidelined by his family when she is so good.

You might well regret it.

[Lindjam]

just remember girls one day you will be MIL's (if you're lucky) I hope you don't have to deal with the hate that is dealt out here. You have all the power don't abuse it. I am shocked at all the bullying NC threats. Get a grip

Girls??? yeah, @ivy4iona some of us are already MILS. I have a great relationship with DIL because I accept that she is the matriarch in her family. I have a very important role but it is supportive rather than dominant. As a result I get loads of invitations to visit, go out, go on holiday with them. Because I am not a controlling manipulative twat like many of the MILS described on here.

[anothermilone]

Anonanon1234

Honestly, I can totally understand why you'd see it that way, but it's never been about what suits us with childcare. We actually rearranged childcare with my DM to suit MIL with the day she could do. Thankfully I'm on mat leave at the moment so doesn't matter too much if plans change last minute, but when I was working she'd contact us last minute to tell us she couldn't do the day she'd said because she was having a last minute holiday/got a PT session/friends over. My DM had to pick up the extra day on numerous occasions.
I'm regards to no fun times, we have extended invites many times of coming over for breakfast, lunch, seeing DD at theirs etc. They always had an excuse, and on the occasions they DID come round they'd turn up an hour late as standard, so we just stopped asking them. We stopped relying on them for childcare, but they think they can click their fingers at a moments notice and we'll be there. We often have plans on advance because we have 2 young children and as you might know, due to covid if you want to do something (soft play, museums, cinema), you have to book in advance.
Then they're offended that we have other plans.

Also, just to touch on your theory that I would have been bothered if they'd not included DDs birthday - I absolutely would NOT be.

[neonjumper]

@ivy4iona

just remember girls one day you will be MIL's (if you're lucky) I hope you don't have to deal with the hate that is dealt out here. You have all the power don't abuse it. I am shocked at all the bullying NC threats. Get a grip. Being a grandmother is supposed to be a wonderful experience try and make it so. You have all the power rule kindly. Think of your children and stop being so possessive and greedy. If you love your husband you should love his mother, the more you threaten her the more threatening she will become. You are treading on all her dreams. Her life.

There is just so much wrong with this statement. Calling women 'girls' is just the tip of the iceberg!

[SunshineCake]

@123boysrule

I am a M.I.L. and would not ever dream of doing that....I dare not say a word to my D.I.L for fear of offending and would never turn up to visit without an invite first...we wait to be invited to see our Grand children,at Christmas we do not expect to be invited it is nice if we are......but sometimes we are on our own....your M.I.L. is definately out of order.......

Please don't carry on like this. You have to be able to speak freely and friendly. You know you aren't planning on offending so just be normal.

[Granjeanne]

Stand up to her NOW and say no! Otherwise you will have this problem for life! I would ask my other half to tell her that she has overstepped the mark on more than one occasion. Especially at the hospital. He needs to be clear that his first loyalty now should be to you and your child. I eventually had a great relationship with my MIL after a few awkward years at the beginning. We became very close after she was widowed and I gave her a lot of support. But there was at least one occasion in the early years when she made judgmental remarks about our marriage. I told her bluntly that times had changed and that my husband and I were partners. I was not subservient to him. I also said that my husband had known this from the beginning and had married me on that basis. Our Ruby anniversary is this weekend, so we must have done something right! My MIL sadly died three years ago. To some extent, my relationship with her had replaced the one I'd previously had with my own mother, after she became became a vegetable after a catastrophic stroke. Both mums are gone now. But my strong advice to you is to nip this in the bud now, before she gets the impression that her weird behaviour is in any way acceptable.

[Anonanon1234]

@anothermilone

Okay so the saga continues.
DH went out last night for BIL (the local one)'s birthday.
Apparently MIL and FIL were on at him about why I wasn't coming on Friday, and that they really miss DD - despite planning to go away the night of her birthday?!
And that they feel like I don't let them see her enough!! This is actually laughable as considering they are both retired they make zero effort to ever visit, haven't stuck to arranged childcare plans in the past and so now we just don't ask them to help with her as they've proven unreliable and we've been caught short with no help before.
I'm seething this morning, and have flounced out of the family WhatsApp (petty I know), as I felt I'd let rip in there out of sheer anger!
I don't want them there on Saturday now. I can't stop them and wouldn't try but I feel their presence is going to just put a total dampener on the day. I'm livid!!

I don't mean this to sound harsh atall, I am definitely not 'team MIL' however, from what you've written, it sounds like you're holding onto a lot of unnecessary anger towards MIL.

The way you put "they haven't stuck to arranged childcare plans in the past" makes you sound very entitled. Like you'll let them see her when it suits you, when there's a 'need' or a benefit to you, but not just that they can have her for their enjoyment?

It sounds to me like MIL is trying to be kind/sociable and you are very much looking for the manipulation/snidey side of it all. Maybe she just wanted to have a nice time with her family...and I can guarantee if she'd put "having a gathering to see BIL birthday" you'd have been angry she didn't consider your DD..or 'well, she didn't do a gathering for DH Birthday' ......as I said, I'm trying not to come across as harsh, but it really seems to me like [due to past issues with her lack of boundaries and overstepping] you are very much wired to look at the negative and bitter in anything she tries to do.

DH is absolutely welcome to go, doesn't mean you don't have to. And you can't really say he's not allowed to take DD...as she's his child too. It would be fair to agree a reasonable time to be back home, so she's not overly tired for the Saturday, though, but the way you said he is not taking DD made me eye-roll a little....it all feels a bit controlling and MIL vs YOU battle of wills...with DD and DH in the middle as emotional pawns.

She sounds like she can be unreasonable. But that's where you need to work on YOUR boundaries, but also sometimes swallow your pride and let some shit go, life is just too short

[bemusedmoose]

She is clearly just pissed at not running dds birthday so is getting in the day before. As for 'all August birthdays' I bet you it's a kids party only. As a family stand your ground and say you are too busy setting up for the next day, end of. She will blow up so just leave her to it. Her behaviour (especially the hospital thing!! She should have been reported for that) it way out of order.

[anothermilone]

@Cuddlyrottweiler

Why don't you invite travelling BIL and SIL to yours to help set the party up. That would actually be fun family bonding time. You could have a few drinks and a takeaway.

This had actually been my first thought when we knew they were coming, but decided against it as they're travelling down with their young child and I thought they'd be grateful of the rest before the day of the party. Instead we invited them for breakfast on the Sunday.
If I'd known MIL would have done this I absolutely would have suggested that before!

[Cuddlyrottweiler]

Why don't you invite travelling BIL and SIL to yours to help set the party up. That would actually be fun family bonding time. You could have a few drinks and a takeaway.

[Justilou1]

She can still text privately anyway. That’s how she’s likely to kick off if she goes nuts. She doesn’t want everyone else to see.

[EffYouSeeKaye]

@LookItsMeAgain

It's kind of a shame that you left the family WhatsApp group rather than just muting it because unless you get the admin to let you rejoin or add you back in, you won't know what they are saying about you or know how best to deal with them....actually perhaps you did the right thing by leaving the group rather than just muting it...they are not important and no longer have a hold over you.

Keep doing what you're doing because you're doing great!

Isn’t the op’s dh in this family WhatsApp group? He can still see what’s in it.

[anothermilone]

@LookItsMeAgain

It's kind of a shame that you left the family WhatsApp group rather than just muting it because unless you get the admin to let you rejoin or add you back in, you won't know what they are saying about you or know how best to deal with them....actually perhaps you did the right thing by leaving the group rather than just muting it...they are not important and no longer have a hold over you.

Keep doing what you're doing because you're doing great!

Thanks. That actually gives me a bit more strength to stand my ground, as little as it is to hear.
I did feel silly after leaving the group but also don't want to play happy families in it either, I've always very much towed the line, but no more!
I'm putting my own wants, needs, and feelings first from here and I honestly don't care at this point, who it bothers.