Page 4 | Another MIL one...

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 22/08/2021 06:58

@DeathStare

This is the kind 9f thing that only usually happens in families where parents are separated - I'd point that out to your DH and tell him that if he takes your DD you'll be separated too.

I'm sorry yo use the MN proverbial but if he takes your DD you have a DH problem. Of course he can see what the issue is, hes just pretending he can't so he doesn't have to deal with it. His loyalty should be to you, not to his mother. If he wants to ho he can go, but DD stays at home.

All of this.

OP, do not let him take her there the night before her party. What on earth would the point be in next days celebration if you've done the same sort of thing the night before, cake, singing and gifts? It's just ridiculous. Your party, for your daughter, will just be this odd second party that no one will see the point in attending.

I would die on this hill. Frankly, I would have died on the hill when she burst into the recovery room.

Sunshineface123 · 22/08/2021 07:00

This whole MIL thing is so shocking, (horrendous after birth story aside) I can't believe she would've even ask you about this first?? Not sure how old your daughter is but I'd be saying she needs an early night before her party and also as PP have said you and your husband need to party prep the night before. These people have been awful to you (BIL included) you owe them nothing!

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 22/08/2021 07:01

Your dh should support you. He. An see his family at the party you have planned for your dd.

Your mil sounds horrendous. You've got to start saying no to her and her demands. Make Christmas your own from now on. You can see her on Boxing Day.

Justilou1 · 22/08/2021 07:03

Seriously, she’s thunder-stealing. I’d send the message about being far too busy with bday party preparations but looking forward to seeing everyone the next day.

Dontsayfuckorbugger · 22/08/2021 07:03

YANBU. just tell her your busy and won't be able to attend. That'll piss on her bonfire

HoppingPavlova · 22/08/2021 07:06

Just send something back on the family what’s app group saying sorry your family can’t make it but you’ll see them all the next morning at DD’s birthday, which she is very excited about.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 22/08/2021 07:08

As ever, you have a DH problem here.

Don't go, don't let your daughter go. Stand up to them.

Hannayeah · 22/08/2021 07:13

I would not allow small children go anywhere the night before a big party. It will leave them tired for day of the party.

Namechangedzzz · 22/08/2021 07:14

@anothermilone I think if dh wants to spend time with bil that is fair.

If it were me I would say absolutely not to DD going . Mostly I wouldn't want her tired and grumpy for her special day. Partly I would want the excitement of I.e. Seeing bil etc on her special day and partly because I would put money on mil doing a birthday cake for DD so whatever happens the next day would not be special

Original poster

anothermilone · 22/08/2021 07:20

I'm not going to try to prevent DH going, if he wants to see BIL et al 3 days on the trot then thats fine and his decision.
I'm not going, and I don't want DD going either. DH sees this as me being obstructive and making things difficult. He just absolutely does not see the issue with it at all.
Over the years I've questioned whether I am being sensitive about MIL and these type of things (of which there are many). As I am an only child with only DM around, I've wondered whether I just struggle with the larger family dynamic or what not.
You've all reassured me I don't! I don't know whether to fully have it out with DH about DD not going, which will just cause tension and stress for the rest of the week, or whether something will just come up on the day (I'm the one that would have to drop her off at MILs).

OP posts:

EffYouSeeKaye · 22/08/2021 07:21

@anothermilone

You sound as though you struggle with yours bil a bit, too.

Ive read back and realise it sounds that way, but I actually don't begrudge BIL at all - he lives his life however he chooses, visits when he wants, etc. That's absolutely fine as it's not him dictating things to us, it's always MIL but uses him as a reason to. He'd not do that, nor would he expect us to change plans or do anything to suit him.
It's just unfortunate that some of the issues I have with MIL tend to arise when BIL is around, but it's absolutely not his doing.

Oh well great then!

In future I would have Christmas at home, as you’ve said, and if bil doesn’t come up to see his mum for Christmas then plan a separate time to see him (or do that anyway).

On a side note, I’m much happier having Christmas at home while our dc are small. They want to play with their gifts and we get to plan the day, and timings of any guests, around what suits us - helpful when it’s often an early start!

Good luck next weekend. It sounds as though it’s time to address this ongoing issue once and for all now. I hope you manage to find a solution that suits your family and draws some boundaries you are going to need going forward. The crucial part of this is that you and your dh are together on this issue. I think you need a really good talk with him. Make it clear that time can be found for bil whenever he needs, but that his mum is habitually crossing a line and that you can’t continue to allow it because it is ultimately going to damage your relationship irreparably.

Caterinasballerinas · 22/08/2021 07:23

I’d say your DH can go if it’s an evening thing because your DD doesn’t want to be tired for her birthday if it really is about maximising time with his DB. I’d also have a tip to use MIL logic against her re:Christmas and just say, much like she did with her own children, now yours are old enough to understand it they will be having Christmas at home so they get the full day with their toys. Make out like MIL had it at home for her kids not as I likely suspect just for her! You’ll just have to be prepared for her to be a visitor some years that’s all.

EffYouSeeKaye · 22/08/2021 07:28

DH sees this as me being obstructive and making things difficult. He just absolutely does not see the issue with it at all.

This is by far your biggest problem. You must talk to him, explain how you feel and resolve it. If he can’t / won’t see the problem of her crashing through these boundaries then your marriage is going to wear thin and eventually break under that strain.

AngelPrint · 22/08/2021 07:30

It changes nothing OP.

And it sounds like your DH is a bit tied to the apron strings there too if he’ll put his mother before his wife.

Like I said before… boundaries can only be broken if you concede to it. Sadly it seems your DH won’t respect your boundaries either.

You may have to toughen up here or just accept being walked over. If you do then you only have yourself to blame.

Blueuggboots · 22/08/2021 07:35

Do NOT mention the party the next day.
Just say you've got other plans and won't be there.

Watermelon40 · 22/08/2021 07:43

I agree with everyone else and would find this very annoying too.

It sounds like your dh is a bit clueless about the situation or has his head firmly in the sand. He doesn’t realise that this is your mil trying to upstage your event and grab the attention/limelight for herself disguised as trying to have a nice celebration.

To keep the peace and ensure a nice atmosphere for your dd’s Party I would probably text mil and say that you will all pop in for an hour to her house the night before for a drink and piece of cake to celebrate your bil birthday. I would say that’s all you can spare as you will both be busy getting everything ready for the next day. I would say that it would probably be better to just make it about bil’s birthday as your dd will be celebrating hers the next day. Then all of you make a brief appearance to be polite.

It’s too easy for your dh to go along with dd while you’re at home doing all the jobs. It will look like you are the only one with a problem about it and that you’re not presenting a united front.

SunshineCake · 22/08/2021 07:45

You don't have to cram visits. You are giving into her again.

Whatliesbeneath707 · 22/08/2021 07:50

I have a MIL like this OP. You need to set your boundaries & have DH onboard too. My MIL invited family to my dd party one year - without my consent. It was a small venue with limited numbers too - I just told her there wasn’t enough room & they couldn’t come. Likewise, she has always tried to control Christmas by saying we would eat at her house - we don’t & never have. My MIL is someone who seems to have always got her way in the family & everyone goes along with her because she has a tantrum if they don’t. I’m a fairly quiet/reserved person & she absolutely hates the fact that she can’t manipulate us or that I don’t argue loudly with her about these things. I just do it all quietly but very firmly so she knows which way it’s going to go. It is hard at first but it has been well worth it over the years.

KatherineSiena · 22/08/2021 07:51

Well if you are the one who would have to drop DD over there then just don’t. You can easily say she’s tired and you want her to have an early night before the excitement of her own birthday party.

Your DH does sound either in thrall to his mother or is taking the path of least resistance with her to avoid confrontation. But I’m very curious as to his role in and reaction to the hospital intrusion. Did he not realise how appalling and inappropriate that was? If my MiL had done that my DH would have gone ballistic at her.

Greencharge · 22/08/2021 07:58

@Aquamarine1029

when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes

Ok, I literally stopped reading right then and there. That was such an egregious, never mind illegal, breach of trust that my relationship with her would have been over right there and then. She is a fucking lunatic and can never be trusted.

Anything she has done from that point forward you have allowed.

Quite. You keep reinforcing the message that she can walk all over you. Your DH could do with a backbone too.

tanstaafl · 22/08/2021 08:07

Didn’t see age of DD being mentioned …Is DDs birthday party a small family thing, or are there school pals coming around too?

If it’s the latter I could understand MIL wanting something family oriented at her house.

I don’t get the PALS comment ‘ a family member’. Do you mean PALS said she could lose her job if you continue?

CaveMum · 22/08/2021 08:09

I think you should say to your DH that he is welcome to go to his mother’s to see BIL, etc during the day but that you expect him to be at home with you in the late afternoon/evening getting things ready for the party the next day. She is his child too and he needs to step up and do his bit without leaving the burden on you.

Then you reply to the family group message saying thanks for the invite but neither of you will be there as you will be getting things ready for DDs party the next day and you’ll see them there.

JustJustWhy · 22/08/2021 08:10

@JesusIsAnyNameFree

I would die on this hill

This is absolutely what I came to say, and also to slightly alter all the "Tell her this, tell her that" responses to "Get DH to tell her".

You can't die on the hill alone. This sort of behaviour nearly destroyed my friend's marriage. The MIL issue was subtle enough for the DH not to see at first, through my friend absolutely did. MIL ended up getting other family members onside and drove a wedge between my friend and her DH as he really couldn't see it. It took until their children were TEENAGERS and reported back to her DH themselves that MIL was utterly unreasonable for the scales to finally fall from his eyes. By then the only option was to go NC. My friend has never truly got over the resentment of how she was treated over the years and that her DH did not defend her.

HoppingPavlova · 22/08/2021 08:13

He just absolutely does not see the issue with it at all.

Is he mentally defective in general or just in this regard?

DelphineMarineaux · 22/08/2021 08:17

@anothermilone

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

No, you're not being unreasonable. I honestly just wouldn't turn up with my child, MIL can have her party on her own. Since it's not about your kid specifically, she should have no excuse to get upset. And if she does, oh, well...she needs to learn that she can't pull stunts like this. Only way to do that is by not entertaining her ideas.