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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL one...

277 replies

anothermilone · 21/08/2021 22:04

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

OP posts:
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 22/08/2021 01:20

@sst1234

Chill out. So there is an extra celebration the day before, is that a hardship? What is wrong with people, honestly. Complaining about a grandparent throwing a celebration for their grandchild.
There's going to be a celebration 12 hours later. This is dear old MIL trying to steal OPs thunder and what do you want to bet some family members will back out the next morning as they have already celebrated the kid? I couldn't be fucking arsed with two parties for the same person two days in a row!

You have a MIL problem but you also have a DH problem. I am sure he wouldn't be okay if it was your mother doing this after he had set up a party for your child but as it's his mother, it's obviously fine. You need to put your foot down here.

Hummingbird1950 · 22/08/2021 01:25

@Lindy2

I agree that's pretty odd.

Your DH should reply saying thanks for the invitation but you'll both be too busy getting things ready for DD's birthday party the next day.

This! And reply it onto the family WhatsApp so it's public, just like her one-upmanship celebration invite is public. You don't want people thinking they'll celebrate DD birthday that eve and then not coming to the party at the park.
purplebatbear · 22/08/2021 01:28

@sst1234

Chill out. So there is an extra celebration the day before, is that a hardship? What is wrong with people, honestly. Complaining about a grandparent throwing a celebration for their grandchild.
It's the timing of the party that is wrong. It's clearly designed to steal thunder.
samwitwicky · 22/08/2021 01:29

Very easily remedied.

Don't go.

Catflapkitkat · 22/08/2021 02:25

@Tulips15

Simple, you and DD don't go to MIL's party.

Bluntly tell her you will be prepping for the next morning and you dont want DD to be tired for her actual party and maybe next time she should let you know in advance and arrange after the party you've set up

This
BettyAndFrank · 22/08/2021 03:06

She’s batshit don’t go!

custardbear · 22/08/2021 03:10

Thanks think you need your DH to fight this, but no, definitely not unreasonable

Guineapigbridge · 22/08/2021 03:22

I love how DH is utterly clueless about the power-grab that this clearly is. Men have no idea about the games women play with each other.

cabingirl · 22/08/2021 03:39

You have to be calm but firm - and public.

Get DH to reply to the family WhatsApp group saying you are so sorry but you, DH and DD will not be able to be at MIL house the night before DD's party but you can't wait to see anyone who wants to come to the party the next day.

Don't be drawn into discussions or explanations - you are busy the night before your DD's party and will see everyone who can be there the next day.

dailygrowl · 22/08/2021 03:43

Stand firm and decline politely, saying you have a party for DD. I too would not hesitate to stand firm about Christmas either- you do what you and your DH want, not what an MIL dictates. The incident about the recovery room is disgusting behaviour from her too. Am surprised she wasn’t sacked from her job for doing that - their department must have been desperately short staffed. Other hospitals would have done so.

lboogy · 22/08/2021 03:46

I'm stuck on this part

'when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, '

Needless to say I wouldn't have forgiven this and there's no way I'd enable her boundary stepping again

Lemonsandlemonade · 22/08/2021 05:25

After the ID stunt I would never ever trust her again. That would be our relationship done and dusted right ther e

Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 05:47

Thanks for all the responses, I've honestly been tossing and turning all night feeling so stressed out by it. Glad to know I'm not overreacting.
DH has informed me that other BIL, SIL and DN are coming up from theirs (another city) for the party and staying with PIL the night before so he feels that she's doing it as another opportunity to all just be together.
Does this change things? I still don't think it does because -
We will still all see each other the very next day, plus BIL/SIL/DN are coming round to ours the Sunday morning for breakfast before they leave (day after party).
Plus, PLUS - MIL could have been there for that too, if she wasn't going to another city the night of DDs birthday!!? Not for leisure or work - but to sort through her late mothers house... No reason she needed to leave the night of DDs birthday - which now means we have to cram visits in the night before. At her house.
It's just all so strange.
DDs birthday isn't important enough to not go away the night of, but IS important enough that we all still go round to hers the night before.
DH wants to go to spend as much time with BIL as possible (although we were already seeing them 2/3 days anyway).
I've said I'm not going, he wants to take DD.

Does this change things to anyone? I still think she IBU as I wouldn't care if it was the Queen visiting - DD birthday and party are the very next morning. Plus as PP said - the excitement of the party is the anticipation and DD seeing BIL etc at her party, not the night before.

As a side note - yes, I wrote about the recovery room at the time (ended up removing the post eventually as several newspapers got wind and ran with it). For those that remembered it - I contacted PALS to make a complaint, and they strongly advised against it as it was a family member?! Shocking really, and I wish I'd pursued it at the time, but new baby exhaustion and unsure whether I was being overly emotional stopped me. I should have pushed it.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 22/08/2021 05:53

He can go, but he doesn't get to take DD because it WiLL turn into a birthday party for your DD and there is no way that should happen 1) without you there and 2) because your DD is already having a party.

Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 05:54

Just to also note that BIL being there is the same reason I feel guilt tripped into Christmas with them every year - DH says its the only time they all get to be together etc.
BIL is a 3 hr journey away and only visits yearly at Christmas usually. I don't think his lack of seeing his family should be the reason Christmas / DDs birthday is dictated to me.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 22/08/2021 05:58

Do you ever travel to see BIL?

ClaryFairchild · 22/08/2021 06:00

Or have you been of the mentality that your BIL moved away so he should be the one to travel to see you...

Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 06:02

@ClaryFairchild

Do you ever travel to see BIL?
Yes, we visited earlier this year for DNs birthday - it took us 5 hours as we were in another part of the country on holiday, and we paid for a hotel for 2 nights. When we got there after the long trip we were then told by BIL that we weren't allowed in their house due to covid - despite the rules having been relaxed to 2 families indoors at the time. We wouldn't have made the trip if we'd known that at the time.
OP posts:
DeathStare · 22/08/2021 06:22

This is the kind 9f thing that only usually happens in families where parents are separated - I'd point that out to your DH and tell him that if he takes your DD you'll be separated too.

I'm sorry yo use the MN proverbial but if he takes your DD you have a DH problem. Of course he can see what the issue is, hes just pretending he can't so he doesn't have to deal with it. His loyalty should be to you, not to his mother. If he wants to ho he can go, but DD stays at home.

Coffeeand · 22/08/2021 06:33

Honestly I don’t see the issue with the celebration thing 🤷‍♂️
The rest of it is a bit much of course, but you know that and that’s what’s dictating some of these replies I would think.

KatherineSiena · 22/08/2021 06:44

What about your family OP? Do they ever get a look in at Christmas and other occasions? Whilst it’s lovely for your DH that he seems close to his brother that shouldn’t trump your feelings and wants to see your family nor indeed your own little family with DD.

As for your MiL she sounds something else, I don’t think think I’d ever forgive the intrusion at the hospital. I would stand your ground and not go to MiL’s for the pre-birthday. It is tricky as you can’t forbid him from taking your DD, but it might emphasise the point that you’re not happy about it and you’re not going to be a pushover whenever MiL clicks her fingers.

Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 06:48

@KatherineSiena

What about your family OP? Do they ever get a look in at Christmas and other occasions? Whilst it’s lovely for your DH that he seems close to his brother that shouldn’t trump your feelings and wants to see your family nor indeed your own little family with DD.

As for your MiL she sounds something else, I don’t think think I’d ever forgive the intrusion at the hospital. I would stand your ground and not go to MiL’s for the pre-birthday. It is tricky as you can’t forbid him from taking your DD, but it might emphasise the point that you’re not happy about it and you’re not going to be a pushover whenever MiL clicks her fingers.

My family is essentially just my DM and me, DM is incredibly laid back and easy going and so generally she comes to MILs on Christmas day too. Which is fine, but that's it - it's just fine. I want to start my own traditions, we have 2 young children and I want to have Christmas here at my home with my children. This year I'm doing that. This thread has confirmed it for me.
OP posts:
EffYouSeeKaye · 22/08/2021 06:53

You could compromise and go to enjoy some extra family time all together, if your dh feels he misses his brother such a lot, but reframe it as a get-together / celebration for BILs birthday but no birthday cake & presents for your dd to be included.

Or you could (I think reasonably, fwiw) stand firm against this odd behaviour and not go, nor let dd go, because you are busy with party prep and don’t want her overtired etc. No reason your dh can’t still pop along to see his brother. If he insists on taking your dd then you have a bigger issue to resolve between the two of you.

Scandalised about your birth story. She’s just ruined your relationship right there, hasn’t she? You sound as though you struggle with yours bil a bit, too. It is okay that your dh wants to see his brother. I do think it’s fair to either travel to them, or invite them to stay with you, if it isn’t their turn to spend Christmas with you that year.

KatherineSiena · 22/08/2021 06:54

Good for you, that sounds very sensible about Christmas. Families have to evolve and develop and you are perfectly entitled to establish your own traditions. As an older woman I know that I’ll probably be a little sad when my DC start their own traditions and not always come to me but it’s natural and I shall enjoy not cooking for the hoard 😃

Original poster
anothermilone · 22/08/2021 06:58

You sound as though you struggle with yours bil a bit, too.

Ive read back and realise it sounds that way, but I actually don't begrudge BIL at all - he lives his life however he chooses, visits when he wants, etc. That's absolutely fine as it's not him dictating things to us, it's always MIL but uses him as a reason to. He'd not do that, nor would he expect us to change plans or do anything to suit him.
It's just unfortunate that some of the issues I have with MIL tend to arise when BIL is around, but it's absolutely not his doing.

OP posts: