Another MIL one...

[anothermilone]

Just for context and background, MIL and I get on, but there have been boundary issues throughout the whole of the relationship with DH - we are never allowed to celebrate Christmas day anywhere other than her house without a guilt show, when DD was born, she used her hospital ID (from a different unit altogether) to gain access to the recovery room whilst I was being stitched up and without my consent and totally against my wishes, she tends to make things about her and always wants things at her convenience, is very poor at compromising etc.

Anyway, although I'm pretty sure IANBU here, I would like some impartial perspective.

DD birthday is next weekend - I have arranged a get together in a local park, have ordered some food platters, outdoor games etc. Both sides of the family are coming plus friends, the usual.

MIL this afternoon has taken it upon herself to send a message in the Family WhatsApp group, inviting everyone to her house the night before DD birthday/party, to celebrate 'all August birthdays'.
Now the only 2 birthdays in August are BIL's - who is celebrating his on Monday, and DD who is celebrating hers THE VERY NEXT MORNING.

Am I mad to think it's totally inappropriate to decide to celebrate DD's birthday at her house a) 12 hours before her actual party that we've had planned for a month, and b) without even asking me or DH if that's okay? I cannot imagine a situation whereby I'd do that to anyone. I honestly think it's incredibly odd behaviour.

DH sees where I'm coming from but thinks it's harmless enough and what does it matter.
Chances are I'll be too busy getting things sorted for Saturday morning anyway, and so won't be there, and I don't want DD's birthday being celebrated (cake and presents etc) without me there, at MIL's, the night before her planned party.

AIBU?!

I would say, you have organised & paid for the party. You want Dd to enjoy it.
DH can go & see his brother, & you all meet up the next day. With Dd rested & on form.
She is not going,
You MIL is gazumping your party, she will probably do cake & presents the night before too. Totally ruining "your" party.
You have to make a stand at some point. Or this will go on forever.

If DH goes then I think it does look like you are being obstructive and petty. Either both don’t go or both go, unfortunately.

It’s a shame that DH didn’t hold the line at the outset but I think this is probably a done deal now.

So I had a lovely MIL, now sadly dead. For Ds's 1st birthday it fell on a weekday and he had a little party with his "friends". Living over 3 hours away from family and with MIL and DM working they were not going to be able to make his actual birthday party.

We visited both families (live in the same town) the weekend before. MIL made a cake, not a birthday cake because I was making that but a fairy cake with just one candle in. She understood how important his first birthday was and just wanted a little nod to it, not a steal your thunder type of person ever.

Your MIL sounds like a master manipulator with the whole extra party (when you combine that with the recovery room and no doubt a lot of other incidents) you and DD can be busy and Dh can go and be with BIL which I would understand.

You do not owe anyone an explanation, no we are busy party planning, you are just busy and unable to make the party. Done. I am glad you are planning your own Christmas too.

I definitely see the naked power grab angle and I have no doubt your dh knows exactly what’s going on but can’t be arsed to challenge her (I’ve fallen for that too many times - he knows...)

But is your dc missing out here on having a lovely family time and a bit of fuss?

I don’t think you should lie as pps have suggested re going for meal/other plans etc. It will come back to bite you on the arse, and make you look like the bad guys. Just be honest and say you will be busy with last minute preps for the party, and dont want to be tired for the next day. That’s all you need to say. Whether others go, when one of the party people won’t be there is up to them. Just focus on your party, and what they do the night before is up to them, and their guests.

Just tell her that you can’t go because you have been busy making preparations for your dd’s actual birthday party and want a rest the night before. She sounds like my mil - any opportunity to take control and make it all about her.

Depending on her age I would worry that the excitement and being out late the night before her birthday would make her tired and whingey on her birthday.

Or I would message MIL back: great to see everyone, but please save Ds’s birthday celebrations for the day.

And tell DH to be firm and direct with her: DD’s birthday is the next day, party arranged, don’t confuse and complicate, stay in your lane!

You need to firmly put your foot down about this one OP. My mil used to call all the shots and it got worse and worse over time. It left me upset on many occasions. Don’t let her spoil your dd’s birthday

Unfortunately, it does have to be both of you staying away.

If you don’t go and cite party preparations as the reason, the next bright idea will be for DH to take your DD over to granny’s house to get her out of your way while you’re busy.

I wouldn’t give any reason at all on Whatsapp - just a vague “other plans” will get the message across.
I would tell your DH privately why you and DD are not going. I agree with pp that he does know what’s going on, he might even be enjoying the drama.

If you want to establish boundaries better to be honest and say ‘yes we’ll come over for a bit but this is not about DD’s birthday. We want to save that for the day itself. So do not cause confusion and duplicate our celebration’. Better than passive aggressive avoidance which will indeed make you look churlish and as if you want to avoid BIL.

My kids often had 2 or 3 extra celebrations, with cake, at different relatives gatherings. It wasn’t an issue.

But then my MIL would never have intruded at the hospital like that which is a seriously dysfunctional level of control and intrusion.

YANBU OP. Could your DH be suffering from FOG?

www.loewensteincounseling.com/blog/2019/6/4/the-emotional-fog-fear-obligation-amp-guilt (Not a definitive link but gives you a quick overview)

I want to start my own traditions, we have 2 young children and I want to have Christmas here at my home with my children.
This year I'm doing that. This thread has confirmed it for me.

Yay!! Please do this!

Just say you want a quiet night in as a family before the big day. Honestly don’t give in and go round she will see it as a sign of weakness. Sorry if I sound overly invested in this Op but I had this so badly and I feel cross on your behalf because I remember how it felt.

I'd still say no, dh can go of course but you and dc stay at home. The problem with going the night before with dc, is that all the birthday pressies etc will likely be exchanged the night before your party. Leaving yours, potentially, a bit flat. To the outside it does appear as a massive attention grab from your MIL. I get she likes to have her family round, but why she didn't label it as a 'get together' rather than a 'birthday party' I don't know.

'What a great idea MIL, dh will be around but I'm afraid I've already made plans with dc, have a fabulous time and I'll see you tomorrow'

If MIL wants a get together-she could just do it at any time!

Is there anyone at her event who you care about who now won't come to yours?

If you & your kids don't go it's not a celebration for them, it's just a get together.

If your husband goes (alone) does that leave you with much extra work?

He might see your point, but he she's Mummy's more.

Is DD a baby (sorry if I missed it being mentioned)? Tell DH that he can go if he wants… but you and Dd won’t be. You don’t want her routine and sleep to be disrupted. You want to prepare for your ds’s birthday tomorrow and don’t want her to be tired.

You and your DH need to grow a backbone.

I remember your thread about her coming in after you had given birth. I don't remember what your DH thought about it, was he supportive to you?
He obviously accepts his mother calling the shots and being in charge of your lives and imo its time to put your foot down
Have Christmas at your own house, much nicer for the children. Have a boxing day or a different day with MIL

I would hold firm with my boundaries, and when she acts out, take the high ground.

Call her out. Tell her that she's acting entitled and manipulative. Then cut contact.

OP,
YANBU.

You sound utterly bullied by your MIL and your husband.

You say no and you are being difficult?

So you are not allowed to say no in your marriage?

You need to clarify that.

Your husband sounds like a controlling bully.
Ask him if that is how he wants to come across, because that is what he is.

He has zero respect for you right to say no and to mean it.

This woman is truly awful.

I would wonder why you would wish to remain married to a man who allows his mother to behave how she does.

The hospital story is just so shocking.

I think separate to your MIL, you need to reflect on your marriage.

As for Christmas, the cheek of her and your husband.

So selfish.

Packnup and go and visit your mother saying you need space to think.

That arse of a husband needs a dose of reality.

@LatteLady

Say, "What a lovely idea, but it's the night before DD's birthday, so we won't be able to make it." End of story.

I’d definitely say this.

The hospital thing is shocking. She definitely has issues invading your privacy like that.

Ideally op and her dh should be together but it's fine if op stays at home with dd.
If mils bright idea is to bring dd..

No.. Because she's resting for tomorrow.

That's it.

If your dh goes and won't stay with you I'd suggest relate relationships counciling he may make it more serious and listen to a third person talking about boundaries.

I think I would start making plans to leave in your shoes. Even if you don’t necessarily want to now, it will give you the option if you decide to in the future. You don’t even need to tell DH what you are up to, but maybe open a Premium Bonds Account (this is all online) and just buy them when you can afford it.

This is an ongoing problem that doesn’t sound like it’s ever going to improve and no matter what you decide to do about specific problems, unless you get get your DH on side, your MIL is always going to be a massive issue.

I remember her at the hospital. Did you ever report her?

I'm the one that would have to drop her off at MILs

Why, @anothermilone?

Op I've just read your posts.

Your dh doesn't have to see the issue with his dp he needs to see that it "matters" to you.

Mils card is marked.

Your poor dm

Dragged into what Mil wants I'm sure your dm would love to have an Xmas with you without Mil dictating.

Your dd stays with you

We have a similar dynamic with a family member who lives Far away always being used as the hook to get dh and more importantly our dc in