Why is MN so horrible to SAHMs?

[Sweak]

I'm sure this will go down like a lead balloon, but it's been bothering me.

Every post I see written by a sahm, no matter what her issue is, has at least 5 posters telling her she must get a job Or implying she's lazy and even worse 'contributes nothing.'

Lots of posts under the guise of telling women they need to protect themselves financially are criticising this choice (not always but many). I would never dream of criticising a mother for working so why is it acceptable to criticise those who decide to stay at home to be with their children? (I claim zero benefits fyi in case that's a suggestion). I accept that a very very long period out of work will leave you vulnerable if you split due pension, but 5 years or so? The pre school years...I don't think so. Obviously being a sahp is only going to work if you have a decent partner who shares income.

And finally so many posters implying that by being a sahm you are making it basically impossible to be employable ever again unless you run the PTA!

Full disclosure...I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true! However due to MN my confidence about getting a job was so low.

Can't we just support each others choices in life even if they differ to our own?

Can't say I've ever seen anyone be horrible about SAHMs and protecting yourself financially isn't being critical, it's sensible and doesn't just apply to SAHMs

It's horrible to everyone.

It is always an emotive topic and tbh, both sides seem to give as good as they get. There is a terrifying naivety on the part of some SAHMs though who are completely unprotected. I'm sure I speak for us all when I say I hope very much that nothing bad happens, and indeed in many cases it doesn't...but things are always fine until they're not, and if you're asking about it, it would be remiss not to mention it.

Most MN posts which tell SAHMs to consider going back to work aren't criticising them for being lazy. They're trying to warn them not to leave themselves financially vulnerable if they split from their partner.

It's the little comments that imply for example that SAHMs are poor role models "I work so my dd sees that women should work" or "I would be horrified if dd wanted to be a SAHM."
My boys are school age now and I'm in no hurry to go back to work.

Nah. There are critical posts and supportive posts and occasionally enlightening posts about being a sahm

IMO MN responses are on a spectrum :

Married SAHM/ SAHD with preschool/ primary age children - pretty acceptable.

....

Unmarried SAHM, multiple children, no financial independence, not on mortgage/deeds... what were you thinking?!

FWIW I was a SAHM and firmly believe it is the very best thing for young children so good for you, and hope the new job goes well 💐

I've not seen people being horrible to satp, however I have seen people tell them they should consider going back to work when they come on to say they have money problems or that their partner doesn't give them any financial support. That's not being mean, it's common sense

You get the odd dickhead, but mainly I don’t think people here are anti-SAHM, just pro-women not becoming completely financially dependent on a man and leaving themselves vulnerable.

I think people on MN caution women that are SAHMs who have given up working and aren’t married. For a lot of posters this comes from a place of experience. There is a real lack of financial security for the SAHM and arguably her children in that kind of situation when unmarried.

Beyond that I don’t really see any SAHM bashing. I haven’t seen SAHMs referred to as lazy either. Perhaps if someone was a SAHM mum to much older children AND was complaining about there not being enough money to go round.

People will always have opinions though eg. I’m sure some posters are horrified by the idea of me returning to work full time when DC are 6 months old and being sent to full time nursery.

@Orangebug

Most MN posts which tell SAHMs to consider going back to work aren't criticising them for being lazy. They're trying to warn them not to leave themselves financially vulnerable if they split from their partner.

Yes. It's usually on threads where the husband is a bloody nightmare and the advice is so that she is not financially dependent on him.

I wish I could be a STAHM but we don’t have the income.

It's horrible to everyone.
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OP, I think it entirely depends on the thread and the board and the prevailing mood and the moon’s position in relation to Saturn and how much gin people have had. Some days everyone is on the SAHM’s side and gives the DHs hell; other days it’s poor DHs and get-a-job-you-lazy-wench roasting; and sometimes a random typo or regionalism leads to merry hell entirely unrelated to the matter at hand.

@katienana is spot on. It's those comments

And yes it would leave you vulnerable if you didn't work for ten years or so, so that needs careful consideration. But I'm sure people can evaluate their own circumstances to weigh up benefit Vs risk without strangers doing it for them.

I honestly can't see how having a few years out of the workplace really makes you hugely vulnerable....surely if things start to go wrong with your partner you just find a job? As I said in my op in my opinion MN overexaggerates the impact on your employability

There are many women on here with separate finances, so it’s not surprising they can’t grasp the concept of being a SAHM with a husband who is proud to financially provide for his family.

Many women who have to save for their own maternity leave as their husbands won’t support them in any shape or form.

Many women (understandably) bitter after divorces and this has clouded their lens on relationships in general.

Women who apply their own financial set up to the world in general and can’t fathom that some women don’t need to work and are not “financially vulnerable.”

@UrsulaTee care to elaborate on your mature post?

I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true!

You have a degree and a profession and a previous track record. Not everyone - certainly my age group - was brought up in an era where a degree was mandatory. Life had moved on after my career break - I had to considerably downscale to get back into the workplace. I dare say the same will be true for anyone 45+.

You also assume all mothers have any work experience to fall back on. Many don't, let alone a degree. If they have come from fractured backgrounds with no support, it is more than likely they will not have fulfilled any academic potential. How do you think a 30-year-old with no work experience, limited qualifications, and child care issues is going to rock up and waltz into the workplace?

If you really are a teacher, then you will know women like me and those I have described.

@burritofan and @paloma10 interesting responses and I agree with both points made

I think certain jobs will always be fairly easy to return to such as teaching - although I know some teaching jobs are very competitive at the moment so well done getting one
For me I loved being a sahm and did loads of voluntary work, on line learning etc alongside it but it has made it very hard career wise so I always just want to offer a bit of caution . Ironically I was a teacher pre kids but used my time as a sahm to start in another area. I probably could have easily gone back to teaching but I'd lost all my confidence after 6 years at home and so much had changed technology wise so the thought of being in a classroom was terrifying !
The time out of work meant my husbands job obviously was really important and he has progressed massively at work but that has meant that he is reluctant to now make changes eg - i have to beg him to take time off if kids are ill or to go in a bit later if I need to be in work early- and yes it does make him sound unreasonable but he was the sole earner for six years and now has masses of responsibility and his wage is three times mine so it still is the priority job . Also I could have gone back to teaching after mat leave which would have taken the pressure of him as the sole earner and meant our jobs were more equal
I now am in a job I hate 😭 because I wanted a job that fitted in around the kids and was less stressful than teaching so am nhs band 3 and recently changed roles hoping for more opportunity as there was no opportunity for progression in my old job but my new job is horribly stressful with still lack of progress
I don't regret being a sahm but I am not sure knowing what I do now if I would have taken so long and become so dependant on dh

I see very few posts implying the SAHM is lazy. What I see is a lot of is posters wanting them not to make themselves vulnerable. It also helps lurkers who are thinking of SAH because their DH makes more money and it ‘makes sense’. Not everyone thinks of the long term implications.

You clearly had strong qualifications and a career before you took 4 years out. Many others had no career or junior job and have unrealistic expectations of going back to work after 7 years out to almost the same level as their peers who never stopped working. People being realistic is not the same as them being horrible.

I’m a FT worker and have been criticised on and offline and I don’t give a shit.

There is another post running where the OP has been a SAHM for close to 20 years and is being quite rude to posters who are telling her the job market is tough ATM.

Possibly, it’s because I’ve seen things on threads like ‘paying bills, life admin’ when people ask what SAHM of school-age children do. One where the poster spoke about car insurance. I haven’t “paid a bill” manually for years, I renew my car insurance annually, it takes ten minutes. Or “organising GP/hospital appointments”, unless there’s a chronic/long-term condition, how often does a family of four go to the hospital?

A few years ago I was unemployed and was going out of my mind with boredom. I guess people wonder how they’d fill their days. I’d hate to spend all of my time with a baby/toddler so wouldn’t do it!

It's often conflated with something else. There was a thread once by a woman who had seen numerous CVs of SAHMs looking to return to work who were writing things like "CEO of my family". She had no issue whatsoever with women being SAHMs but she was advising them just to explain the career gap with "time out from the workplace to raise a family" or similar. The stuff she was seeing wasn't professional and in some cases could be seen as insulting to working mothers, which wouldn't endear the applicant to recruiters like her.

Of course, it became a flame war of people accusing her of hating SAHMs and whatnot, but it really wasn't.

@katienana

It's the little comments that imply for example that SAHMs are poor role models "I work so my dd sees that women should work" or "I would be horrified if dd wanted to be a SAHM." My boys are school age now and I'm in no hurry to go back to work.

Ha yes I saw an “I’d be horrified” comment too and I was utterly bemused. Of all the things in the world your daughter could do or become that would be the thing to horrify you ... ok.

I don't think anyone is talking about women who take a few years out of their profession when their children are young before they go back, as in your case OP. In fact, I would say that is a very normal thing to do - its what I did. The concern is when women lack skills and qualifications, or have been out of the workplace for a very long time so are effectively de-skilled, and then find themselves in a rocky situation if their DH starts being a dick. You can't ignore that is a tale as old as time on here.