Why is MN so horrible to SAHMs?

[Sweak]

I'm sure this will go down like a lead balloon, but it's been bothering me.

Every post I see written by a sahm, no matter what her issue is, has at least 5 posters telling her she must get a job Or implying she's lazy and even worse 'contributes nothing.'

Lots of posts under the guise of telling women they need to protect themselves financially are criticising this choice (not always but many). I would never dream of criticising a mother for working so why is it acceptable to criticise those who decide to stay at home to be with their children? (I claim zero benefits fyi in case that's a suggestion). I accept that a very very long period out of work will leave you vulnerable if you split due pension, but 5 years or so? The pre school years...I don't think so. Obviously being a sahp is only going to work if you have a decent partner who shares income.

And finally so many posters implying that by being a sahm you are making it basically impossible to be employable ever again unless you run the PTA!

Full disclosure...I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true! However due to MN my confidence about getting a job was so low.

Can't we just support each others choices in life even if they differ to our own?

@picknmix1984

Perhaps because there an awful lot of SAHMs that come on here mewing that they are in a precarious financial position and asking what they should do about it.

"Mewing"..?

Wow. Is that how we support each other - this is what the sisterhood looks like? Ok.

So if someone makes what seems like the best decision at the time for their family, and that decision turns out not to work out, they should have just lashed themselves to the desk like everyone else and as a result have lost their right to ask for advice?

I think they are attacked partially or wholly due to jealousy.

Oh FFS, this has been done to death and is getting tedious now. No, not always the case at all.

I make your COVID-19 vaccine, your immunotherapy and oncology medicines; thank Christ I don’t SAH. I get paid a high salary to do this, in Switzerland. My husband is also a Swiss-salaried ‘very big earner’ so I don’t ‘need’ to work; our house above Lake Geneva was bought on his salary alone, before I went back to work.

Give it a fucking rest with the ‘they’re all jealous’ comments. I personally feel that SAH long-term is a waste of my life - if you want to do it then crack on but don’t think the rest of us are jealous because we’re not, in the main.

“I make your COVID-19 vaccine, your immunotherapy and oncology medicines; thank Christ I don’t SAH. I get paid a high salary to do this, in Switzerland. My husband is also a Swiss-salaried ‘very big earner’ so I don’t ‘need’ to work; our house above Lake Geneva was bought on his salary alone, before I went back to work.“

Where does all your angst and vitriol come from then? Why do you need to feel “thank Christ I don’t SAH” - what’s it got to do with you and what are you actually trying to prove to yourself on here?

I’m not angry, but it’s mildly irritating this narrative that those if us who WOH the home are jealous of those of who SAH. Some might be but certainly not all; because staying at home is not what we want to do with our lives.

Women can and do contribute to the world in vital and important ways through their work, as I was pointing out. It’s not just DHs with ‘big jobs’ who do (and often actually don’t).

I could also ask you why you are so desperate to try and push the idea that all SAHMs have all fully considered the risks of SAH (those on this thread excepted), when MN proves the contrary. What exactly are you ‘trying to prove yourself on here’?

And nowhere have I been vitriolic, good grief, what an over-exaggeration 🙄

@Aria999

I am a sahm (5 years and counting) and mn has me firmly convinced I am totally unemployable....

But I am going to try anyway when covid eases up

Please don't let mn knock your confidence. The poster upthread took ten years out and now earns more than her husband (who I assume has no gap). And whilst my example has been dismissed due to my profession...the reality is there were other people who applied for the job (I met other candidates on interview day) and I still got the job, despite my employment gap. Of course everything will vary based on what you are applying for..but it's hardly shocking for to take time out to care for children. Try not to let mn knock your confidence

@FloconDeNeige

I’m not angry, but it’s mildly irritating this narrative that those if us who WOH the home are jealous of those of who SAH. Some might be but certainly not all; because staying at home is not what we want to do with our lives.

Women can and do contribute to the world in vital and important ways through their work, as I was pointing out. It’s not just DHs with ‘big jobs’ who do (and often actually don’t).

I could also ask you why you are so desperate to try and push the idea that all SAHMs have all fully considered the risks of SAH (those on this thread excepted), when MN proves the contrary. What exactly are you ‘trying to prove yourself on here’?

MN doesn't prove anything. By it's definition as a site that people post problems you will have more people complaining about their situation than in RL.

And @FloconDeNeige for what it's worth I don't think jealousy comes into it at all. I agree it's just a different way of doing things.

MN “proves” nothing, Flocon. You seem to need to believe the particular, narrow stereotype of SAHMs you have in your own head when, in reality, they are as diverse a group as anyone else.

@paloma10

MN “proves” nothing, Flocon. You seem to need to believe the particular, narrow stereotype of SAHMs you have in your own head when, in reality, they are as diverse a group as anyone else.

It does appear so as Flocon and others are so insistent we are all 'vulnerable' and couldn't possibility have thought carefully about the decision.

By trotting out this vulnerable argument (when it's inappropriate, fine if it's actually relevant) it implies sahms are capable of thinking things through. And reinforces the stereotype we aren't very bright.

I'm sure this is not your intention Flocon, but its the result

*aren't capable of thinking things through

@Sweak

And *@FloconDeNeige* for what it's worth I don't think jealousy comes into it at all. I agree it's just a different way of doing things.

However, there is a post just above Flocon's saying exactly that. I think she is right to point out her views on that.

You might not like parents sets about financial vulnerability. But the number of threads started by those who have been sleepwalking into highly vulnerable positions and are facing the horrible consequences shows there is still a need for advice to be spelt out. I put stead several years ago that I wouid keep posting that sort of view when such threads were a rarity. That day has yet to come

@meditrina it should only be "spelt" out when appropriate. I'm not saying you should never say it. My point is its literally on every sahm thread.

Paloma10 said herself upthread she posted something about her mil and a holiday and mentioned she's a sahm..lots of replies about her financial vulnerability. It's not appropriate to the issue posted about. It's quite clear to me shes not vulnerable.

Financial vulnerability is also an issue in wohm households.

Again my point is stop with the blanket statements!

Some people will always be financially vulnerable in all walks of life. A minority of the financially vulnerable will be SAHMs (by definition, as these women are a minority of the general population).

Sorry that should have read - A minority of the financially vulnerable will be SOME SAHMs

It's appropriate to this thread, as it's about what people say and when.

I will post about it readily, because it's important, but do not believe I do so n a blanket way.

I suspect confirmation bias at work. One or two threads which misfire do not represent the whole

@meditrina

It's appropriate to this thread, as it's about what people say and when.

I will post about it readily, because it's important, but do not believe I do so n a blanket way.

I suspect confirmation bias at work. One or two threads which misfire do not represent the whole

Yes it's appropriate to this thread. Please do post about it...when it's appropriate! I'm not saying never mention it.

I also think it's important that if a woman is in a vulnerable position we don't berate her for decisions already made, which I see a lot of.

As for confirmation bias...partially perhaps but don't deny there is a problem on here with how people talk down to SAHMs. Look at the poll results..it's basically 50/50.

Basically there's a lot of assuming that a sahm hasn't thought about that consequences of not working.

For example on this thread I was told I've harmed my promotion prospects (I already knew that...it's short term though..although I don't want promotion). I was told I have affected my pension pot. Well duh?! You can do things that negatively affect you in some ways as you may see other benefits as more important.

There's also a lot of assuming that a gap on the CV makes you unemployable. Apparently my example isn't good enough as my profession is in demand. Whilst this is true to a degree, simply saying this dismisses me. There were other candidates and I got the job. Despite my CV gap.
Yes, for other professions the impact may be more significant...but that woman would factor that into her decision making.

Two women on this thread have said they are concerned about their employability due to MN comments, both women are talking about a 4-5 year gap, not 30! Look at the impact of your words.

And ladies if you are worried look logically at your sector if that's what you intend to return to and consider if you need to take any actions. These blanket statements on MN are damaging

Sweak - yes, I could literally start a thread about the weather on MN, but as soon as there is even the faintest whiff of the fact I’m SAHM, cue pages of “the concerned”...

• You are financially vulnerable...
• Thanks, but I’m not really..,
• Yes, you are, compared to me...
• Er, no
• You LIVE OFF A MAN though..,,
• It’s not like that...
• Look at me, look at my job..,
• That’s nice
• Are you saying I don’t love my kids??? Are you? Are you?
• Er no, I don’t know you
• You need to get a job like me
• Thanks, but it’s none of your business
• Wait until he runs off with a younger model ... you’ll be finished
• Well, I’ve factored that in
• No you can’t have done. Look what happened to my neighbours’ cousin...
• Ok, but that doesn’t apply to me
• Well you’re not a proper SAHM then. YOU don’t understand. You should shut up. You’re not a real SAHM because I have decided the REAL ones are the ones who post on MN in dire straits. Thank god I’M not like them, phew.., Anyway, you are financially vulnerable (unlike me) you just don’t realise it
• Er, no I’m not and why do you care
• Basically you are no different to a prostitute
• ...
• Oh no, I’m not being offensive. Chip? Me? Nooo, I am here purely out of concern for the sisterhood, you understand ...

This is how it goes. EVERY TIME! This is why the OP’s thread resonated with me. At least this thread hasn’t sunk to the “no different to a prostitute” nonsense. This is some progress, I guess? On the last thread I was told that even though I didn’t see myself as a prostitute, my husband probably did. Yes this on MN - a site for MUMS And from a woman who thought she was the epitome of feminism because she had totally separate finances to her husband and when they go out for dinner, they pay separately including splitting the cost of whatever their own children have had between them! Also, if she buys some groceries for her husband, he will owe her money.

@Sweak I don't think it's a jealously thing I think it's a personality thing. There was a thread a while back about what do sahm do all day and posters listed what they did and not far in you got the "well I do all that and work ". For the people who like to be really busy they will thrive on that constantly on the go but me personally I like a far more calm life I don't need to list what I do all day because I do what needs doing then whatever I want to do and that suits our family. I can completely understand how a mum who works and is busy would find that boring and lazy because it's the complete opposite of her own life, I'd fine her life stressful and I'd be miserable.

Presumably @FloconDeNeige they’re suggesting you’re jealous of the benefits of being a SAHM rather than your bank balance or property .

Oh and I was also told I should have no right to vote

To the poster who is shouting from the rooftops about her fancy properties in lake Geneva, what are you trying to prove to yourself posting that all over Facebook? How bizarre. Never read such a narcissistic comment on mumsnet in my life, I suspect we should be grateful to you alone for a covid vaccine? Ahem because you work in Switzerland?

Jeez give me a break.

Mumsnet not facebook!

[quote Tittyfilarious]@Sweak I don't think it's a jealously thing I think it's a personality thing. There was a thread a while back about what do sahm do all day and posters listed what they did and not far in you got the "well I do all that and work ". For the people who like to be really busy they will thrive on that constantly on the go but me personally I like a far more calm life I don't need to list what I do all day because I do what needs doing then whatever I want to do and that suits our family. I can completely understand how a mum who works and is busy would find that boring and lazy because it's the complete opposite of her own life, I'd fine her life stressful and I'd be miserable.[/quote]
"well I I do all that and work ".

Yes that old chestnut. I'm not sure why these things need to be a competition as to who has life harder. It's just a different choice, as you describe in your post.