Why is MN so horrible to SAHMs?

[Sweak]

I'm sure this will go down like a lead balloon, but it's been bothering me.

Every post I see written by a sahm, no matter what her issue is, has at least 5 posters telling her she must get a job Or implying she's lazy and even worse 'contributes nothing.'

Lots of posts under the guise of telling women they need to protect themselves financially are criticising this choice (not always but many). I would never dream of criticising a mother for working so why is it acceptable to criticise those who decide to stay at home to be with their children? (I claim zero benefits fyi in case that's a suggestion). I accept that a very very long period out of work will leave you vulnerable if you split due pension, but 5 years or so? The pre school years...I don't think so. Obviously being a sahp is only going to work if you have a decent partner who shares income.

And finally so many posters implying that by being a sahm you are making it basically impossible to be employable ever again unless you run the PTA!

Full disclosure...I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true! However due to MN my confidence about getting a job was so low.

Can't we just support each others choices in life even if they differ to our own?

@TwoAndAnOnion I'm not saying being a sahm is suitable for everyone. But I've seen so many posts on here critiquing women of any background for this choice. I also appreciate for some women being a sahm isn't a choice...childcare costs are huge it often makes it not viable to work...although MN would tell me I should work for nothing! I've seen that several times. Actually advocating making a financial loss.

@UrsulaTee

As my teenager would say, you’re chatting shit

Aren't you a peach.

I don't think it's sahms that get it, it's people on benefits. I am married, but years ago I was a single mum to 3 kids and I left work to claim benefits because it was not financially viable for me to work. I was genuinely better off financially staying home and looking after my own kids than working full time on low wage. It's easy for people with well paid careers to sneer, but when you're earning £13,000 a year on 40 hours a week with 3 kids, it's not worth claiming childcare costs while you work. You may as well stay home and claim everything you're entitled to and look after your own kids until they're in school at least.

The 'financial loss' of childcare is quite short sighted though in some areas - keeping building a career will often have long term financial benefits. If i had stayed teaching I'd be on a really good salary (twice at least what I'm on now )by now even if most of it would have gone on childcare before kids started school

@DioneTheDiabolist

It's horrible to everyone.

This^^

I've seen the odd thread where SAHMs are horrible to WOHMs and vice versa. Everyone's horrible to everyone on here, on a bad day!

I'm a SAHM, so a non contributer, lazy etc. Not terribly bothered! shameless me!

@katienana

It's the little comments that imply for example that SAHMs are poor role models "I work so my dd sees that women should work" or "I would be horrified if dd wanted to be a SAHM." My boys are school age now and I'm in no hurry to go back to work.

But that’s not “being horrible” to SAHMs. It’s people having a different view and different priorities. And who cares anyway- if you are happy with your choices, that’s great.

You get the odd dickhead, but mainly I don’t think people here are anti-SAHM, just pro-women not becoming completely financially dependent on a man and leaving themselves vulnerable.

I agree with this. Just because a few posters are dicks doesn't mean that the whole of MN is horrible to SAHMs.

@UrsulaTee

As my teenager would say, you’re chatting shit

I thought this was funny!

I think the need to protect self can’t be stated enough. It’s not negative of sahm. So many women sleepwalk into financial ruin. Married, only a few years out and an in demand career eg teaching to go back to isn’t going to impact you badly. He dies or leaves you you can easily get another job/do agency supply work. Teaching pensions are high and retirement age high so a few years out isn’t a significant impact. But lots of jobs you need to keep registration up to date and/or need current experience a 5 year career gap means you can’t return to previous career or need to retrain. Lots of sahm are not married and don’t realise until too late that their housemate has no financial obligation to them in event of death or a separation.

The ones that get me are exhausted frazzled women with toddlers still waking in the night and unhelpful partners being advised to get a job!

maybe you're just reading it that way? I think it makes sense to have financial protection to yourself, to ensure you're ok if something happens.

Everyone is horrible. I've seen a few posts from Sahm with passive-aggressive comments to working mothers not prioritising their children and how cruel it is for a toddler to be left raised by strangers(nanny/nursery).
It is also frequent here that Sahm complains about an easy life their partner has with they office job and how they don't feel supported or/and financially controlled. Reality is quite a few of these partners don't want them to be sahm and don't want to be a sole breadwinner.

I think I see more threads when a SAHM is getting divorced or split up with DP and there’s a horrible realisation of what little money they will have and how hard it will be to get a job, or the fact they don’t own the property jointly.
Financial independence is a good thing and pointing this out isn’t being nasty, although you always will get some idiots who do this in the wrong way.

surely if things start to go wrong with your partner you just find a job?

Can you genuinely not see why that's easy to say for you as a teacher but won't be true for everyone?

@Lemonelderflower

The ones that get me are exhausted frazzled women with toddlers still waking in the night and unhelpful partners being advised to get a job!

Well yes, someone who has an unhelpful partner really is in need of a job, it gives you the freedom to leave. And there are many working women with babies and toddlers who wake in the night who work and do okay at it, I'm one of them.

I loved being an SAHM and if I won the lottery would do it in a second. However, getting back into the workforce after even a fairly short break wasn't that easy, but was absolutely a blessing when my ex became ill and when he moved out for good. I think a lot of women are very shortsighted about how hard it can be, and how reliable their partners are.

@thirtyrock39 I'm sorry to read you don't like your current job. Will you look for something else?

@DioneTheDiabolist

It's horrible to everyone.

Mumsnet hates itself

@PicaK

Nah. There are critical posts and supportive posts and occasionally enlightening posts about being a sahm

Take out the "sahm" from this and replace with any choice/experience/opinion and this is mumsnet.

It's just you notice more and are more sensitive to posts which are critical.

Congrats on your job.

I've definitely seen a few comments saying sahms are lazy but the issue is it covers such a broad spectrum. I've been a sahm for six years now (postpartum psychosis after the birth of dc1 followed by other mental health issues meant I wasn't fit to return). I'm about to graduate with another degree, I do various voluntary work including chairing a committee/applying & winning charity funding etc. My issues with returning to work are most likely to be related to my mental health. Someone else who took the same period off but without the studying/voluntary work may have different challenges.

Far more frequent are the threads with SAHMs falling over themselves to say how they couldnt possibly let strangers raise their children, why bother having children if you are going to return to work etc.

Saying you'd just get a job if things start to go wrong with your partner is fine if
1 You can just get a job easily
and
2 You are aware things are going wrong. So many stories of women who suddenly discovered an affair or who were surprised by their partner leaving.

@DioneTheDiabolist

It's horrible to everyone.

Yes, this!

Concern about “financial vulnerability” is one thing. However, when a SAHM states she is not financially vulnerable, the “concerned” need to just accept that. Just have the intelligence to recognise that the woman probably understands her situation better than they do.

Next there will be the inevitable - “but wait until he leaves you..,,” Again, the SAHM states that she has thought about this (quite a lot ), so thanks for the concern, but it is misplaced. At this point, she will be called “naive” and people refuse to accept she is not financially vulnerable. The most vociferous are usually the ones who have never been a SAHM and have barely met one. It’s as if they can’t possibly imagine a world beyond their own.

This goes on and on ad infinitum. If the SAHM eventually reveals she doesn't work because they have multi-millions, then she is told she doesn’t count because she’s not a real example of a SAHM. Also she is “stealth boasting” now and almost certainly a troll. The fact she knows many, many women who are in the same position as her doesn’t count as real experience because it doesn’t fit in with the “SAHM=financially vulnerable / not like us” narrative. The only SAHMs who count are those at “financial risk” and therefore in need of enlightenment. No other type of SAHM exists apparently. Never mind, first hand experience of those who live this life in the huge swathes of certain areas were SAHMs are more common than not. Never mind them because they are not real, according to AIBU.