Why is MN so horrible to SAHMs?

[Sweak]

I'm sure this will go down like a lead balloon, but it's been bothering me.

Every post I see written by a sahm, no matter what her issue is, has at least 5 posters telling her she must get a job Or implying she's lazy and even worse 'contributes nothing.'

Lots of posts under the guise of telling women they need to protect themselves financially are criticising this choice (not always but many). I would never dream of criticising a mother for working so why is it acceptable to criticise those who decide to stay at home to be with their children? (I claim zero benefits fyi in case that's a suggestion). I accept that a very very long period out of work will leave you vulnerable if you split due pension, but 5 years or so? The pre school years...I don't think so. Obviously being a sahp is only going to work if you have a decent partner who shares income.

And finally so many posters implying that by being a sahm you are making it basically impossible to be employable ever again unless you run the PTA!

Full disclosure...I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true! However due to MN my confidence about getting a job was so low.

Can't we just support each others choices in life even if they differ to our own?

I appreciate it was easier for me to get a job given my profession is in demand.

I also appreciate given I have qualifications and work experience it's easier for me.

I'm not saying being a sahm is sensible for everyone. But ultimately you look at your own circumstances and work out what's sensible.

What I'm trying to say is that if you are financially able to make that choice why is it critiqued so much? Like the other day there was a working mum who wanted the sahd to do more cleaning..the response from some posters is he should get a job. I can't see why if they aren't claiming, both parties are happy and it works for their family..it's just pure judgement of people's life choices

It's the little comments that imply for example that SAHMs are poor role models "I work so my dd sees that women should work" or "I would be horrified if dd wanted to be a SAHM."
My boys are school age now and I'm in no hurry to go back to work.

I think this is your own insecurities/mum guilt more than people having a go.

Obviously some people are rude but the only time I’ve seen anyone tell a SAHP to get a job is when she is completely financially dependent on her DH and gets no money or they’re moaning that they don’t have any money even though their children are in school and the obvious answer would be to get a job.

Wah, wah, wah
Why does mumsnet hate sahm?
Why does mumsnet hate working parents?
Why does mumsnet hate breast feeding?
Why does mumsnet hate formulary feeding ?
And repeat weekly.
People have different options, some people are just arseholes.
Try posting on a section more tailored to the subject you will get more support generally. Aibu is for entertainment, the other boards get more well formed repiles &.advice

I am a part time SAHM. I think some workers are judgemental / jealous of SAHM and vise versa. I can see both sides. I absolutely don't think MN is particularly anti SAHMs. Or anti working parents. It's just anti.

I was a SAHM for a number of years and I realise that I was lucky.
I have seen posts that have been disparaging to SAHMs but I think some of it might be down to some deep seated jealousy as most women cannot afford to be able to do this.

Yes, women do need to be careful and I've seen many posts where women have left themselves vulnerable but it's a choice nonetheless.

For me it’s when they have school age children but say that the housework and ‘admin’ of running a household takes up ALL their time and they have NO spare time to themselves. I work full time and do the housework and the admin....

Honestly I don’t see horribleness I see real concern from some posters. I worry about women who are PG or have small dc considering being a SAHP. Being older doesn’t always equal wiser but I have seen how my sisters and friends relationships have ended up. Some of those couples seemed really right for each other at the start.

I ended up unwell and unable to work but I had almost 30 years of pension contributions after 25 years of FT and 5 years of PT work. DH and I seem solid but if it all went South I would be ok.

To be fair, it cuts both ways. Plenty of SAHM's on here criticise WOHM's for abandoning their children in the care of strangers aka a well regulated childcare facility

@puffitsgone I haven't really seen people saying life admin takes up so much time they can't work with school age kids. I only see women say they have no spare time if their child has a health problem, and I can see how that would be consuming.

To be honest you didn't need a full disclosure that you are a SAHM. It was obvious you are because you think "mumsnet" hates SAHM.

All that's happened is you gave spotted a negative comments about SAHM felt it personal. Then confirmation bias kicks in and they are all you notice.

There are negative comments about every type of mother and women who aren't mothers. Plenty of them. You probably don't notice the ones about full time working mums, or mums that work part time etc because it's not about you.

There are also plenty of positive comments too but once you feel defensive you'll only react to the negative ones.

Also possibly because people are defensive they make negative comments about mums who do things differently to them...

Oh look another "poor SAHMs" thread. It's a 2 sided debate, for every critical financial comment against a SAHM is another woman saying "staying at home is best for children". Get grip and stop playing the victim. It gets nasty on both sides, I suggest you get a thicker skin and own your own choices if you want to talk about them anonymously online.

@paloma10 uh what, I don’t need to save for my maternity leave. I get standard and enhanced pay. What exactly would I be saving for and why would me or my husband need to save for it?

@notanothertakeaway I agree. I'm always disappointed when I see sahms critique wohms too. Although I have to say I think there is more critique of sahm..although that could just be about numbers as most women work out the home now

I've always seen more negativity and passive aggressive/guilt inducing comments toward working parents rather than the other way around, to be honest. Lots of "oh but it's so much better for the children to be there when they are young" and "I wanted to make the best choice I could for my children" etc which makes me as a full time working mother feel pretty awful sometimes.
Some women have to work (to pay the bills!); some women choose not to work (if they can afford it). Each to their own situation.. and surely we're all just trying our best?

I’m not a SAHM mum full time as I work 2 days a week but I absolutely would be if we could afford to lose my wage completely.

I don’t like working, I like being at home. Does that make me lazy- maybe? I have a masters degree so I’m educated enough to work, but I prefer being at home. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

I don't recognise this.

There is often a sense of dismay when yet another woman describes being completely financially dependent on an unpleasant man. Women who have to ask for money to buy clothes for their children, as though the money is not her's because it's her husband's wage.

Hats off to SAHMs. I haven't the patience required. But I think there is a lack of recognition of how money must be seen in a marriage.

I don't think MN is horrible to SAHMs. It may be that there has been a bit of a shift, but when I was working full-time when my son was little, MN was horrible to working mums to the extent that I left MN for years. It was all a bit NCT earth motherish and you apparently only worked because you were too selfish to go without posh holidays and a big house. No such comments towards dads, naturally.

@Whatsthescoop agreed. I have seen countless posts against WOHM saying they abandoned their kids and shouldn’t have kids if they can’t look after them. Water off my back. Unless they want to pay my childcare fees they can mind their own business. Every is Uber sensitive when they feel they are criticised even if they aren’t critiqued more than anybody else.

@changeruset2748 how unpleasant are you? I was making a general observation and starting a chat and not expecting everyone to agree with me

I don't need to 'get a grip' and I don't view myself as a victim..if it bothered me that much I wouldn't come on here.

I'm starting a debate. If you can't be pleasant don't join in. My thin skin can't take it

There is often a sense of dismay when yet another woman describes being completely financially dependent on an unpleasant man. Women who have to ask for money to buy clothes for their children, as though the money is not her's because it's her husband's wage

This. There was a "joke" meme going round the other week for a cycling apparel company where you could order eg a cycling jersey and have something put in the package to say you had won it. Presumably to stop husbands moaning at their wives for buying a cycling jersey. I didn't think it was very funny.

I am in a grey area! I work 25 hours a week in a freelance job from home (I work for different companies and it requires a degree, post-grad etc) but I'm a sahm , I have a private pension and I also own a small Airbnb cabin type accommodation and dh works ft. It was a mixture of not wanting to leave our kids with other ppl until they were older than 2 years and could talk, I worked in creches pre-uni and hated all of them and the fact that we have absolutely no support network.
I find with 3 dcs and no family support it can be so tricky with childcare, even more so as they get older as they are all finished at different times in school, preschool here finishes at 11.30! There's very little, very expensive and over subscribed childcare where we are. It's not always a choice if you have multiple dcs and no family help, it's not always that simple. But we are really happy with our set up and have increased my hours yearly. I agree it's important for women to pay into their own pension or save into a separate account but I absolutely agree its not always coming from a place of concern on here..
I couldn't care less what others do , I don't love ft childcare for under 2's, I don't think it's good for dcs but I keep that to myself in public. It's funny as I've a neighbour who clearly thinks I don't work and every opportunity she gets she makes a comment on it (I can't be bothered to enlighten them tbh) ... how she could never do it, how bored she'd be, how her brain would rot etc. I just let her go on ,its pathetic. Reminds though of comments on here at times...

I think that most mumsnetters want to make sure women have got some level of financial security and it is really important.

I do think some mumsnetters are unrealistic about how many people have jobs rather than careers and that some jobs are easier to get back into than others.

@Sweak

I'm sure this will go down like a lead balloon, but it's been bothering me.

Every post I see written by a sahm, no matter what her issue is, has at least 5 posters telling her she must get a job Or implying she's lazy and even worse 'contributes nothing.'

Lots of posts under the guise of telling women they need to protect themselves financially are criticising this choice (not always but many). I would never dream of criticising a mother for working so why is it acceptable to criticise those who decide to stay at home to be with their children? (I claim zero benefits fyi in case that's a suggestion). I accept that a very very long period out of work will leave you vulnerable if you split due pension, but 5 years or so? The pre school years...I don't think so. Obviously being a sahp is only going to work if you have a decent partner who shares income.

And finally so many posters implying that by being a sahm you are making it basically impossible to be employable ever again unless you run the PTA!

Full disclosure...I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true! However due to MN my confidence about getting a job was so low.

Can't we just support each others choices in life even if they differ to our own?

Its really interesting because the posts about WOHM all say we are lazy are all written by SAHM. I havent seen any one else on MN say this. Most WO/AHM dont really have time to get involved with what other parents are doing. There are many many threads on here about women who are living with awful men and the reply to LTB is always " I cant, Im a SAHM" Nothing on this earth would make me leave my career voluntarily. Imho SAHM are extremely defensive of their right to SAH when most parents WOH and its the norm. Its a constructed position of SAHM bashing when in real life most people couldnt care less what other people do let alone go around supporting people you dont know!

I think if you can do it for a few years while they are young, then I would say that's fine, but with parents of school aged children it is different. I think it is important to have some financial security where possible (independence isn't always possible in this day and age, as a lot of people need two incomes to have a decent standard of living). I've seen happy marriages disintegrate through life's normal curve balls, and the SAHP has found themselves in a bit of a crisis all of a sudden when they have no income and have to navigate getting a job with not much employment history and reorganising their life. I'm in a position where I could drop some hours now due to DH payrise, but I'm not comfortable with that.

There are also a lot of SAHP's on here that moan about not having much of an identity or their partner expects them to do all the cleaning, cooking and childcare. Unfortunately a lot of the working partners (wrongfully) see it that if a parent is at home they should do all this as they are "kept". People suggest getting a job to rebalance the power a bit and to have a break away from domestic life. It works for quite a lot of people.

I personally couldn't ask my partner for money for clothing and things I like to buy for myself, so never really liked the idea, but if it works for other people then we should just let them get on with it and not judge. Being at home all day with kids for me is stressful, so it's not the easy option, but if they were at school all day I would love it initially, but would probably get bored quite quickly.

I work four days a week and so does my husband, so kids are in nursery three days per week. I don’t really care what anyone else does but it does irritate me when SAHMs assume that all working parents put children in childcare from dawn until dusk every day. There is a happy middle ground that I have been lucky to find where my career is progressing nicely and kids are still at home way more than nursery. Working doesn’t mean full time nursery and strangers ‘bringing up’ my children. So it annoys me when there is no understanding that work can’t be balanced with family life.

I also feel for the husband’s of some posters and can’t help but wonder how that sole wage earner might feel if he read the posts of his wife smugly asserting that she has no intention to work even though the children are now teenagers because she likes to spend time on her hobbies I’m sure he might also like that too given the option!

But ultimately I agree with PPs that the vast majority of people questioning the sense of being a SAHM come from a place of concern. Believe it or not, not all working parents are consumed with jealousy because we all desperately want to be at home. I could do from a financial point of view but have actively chosen not to. I understand that not all women want to work so please understand we all don’t want to be at home supported financially by someone else!